I'm assuming this would be the ideal place to ask for help concerning this situation. But I am not sure. What I do know is that I am desperate and I am hoping someone here can successfully give me some insight as to what I can do. What needs to be done.


Okay. I am a heterosexual male. I have never identified as anything other than such. At times when I was growing up, I would have some thoughts about men such as "he's cute" or "he has a really nice smile", but I've always dated females and identified as heterosexual. I grew up in a very... black and white family in terms of you were either straight or gay--nothing in between. My girlfriend is bisexual. She first came out as gender fluid a few months ago. She expressed feeling dysphoria, feeling more masculine some days and feminine other days, and some days very, very neutral. I didn't care. I loved her regardless, and frankly, found myself very intrigued by her gender fluidity--going out of my way to research, learn about it and study it.

Fast forward to last Saturday night. I was at work. I received a text saying she wanted to talk to me about something. Generally, those texts should set off a warning. They're always followed by something bad. However, it was her telling me that she discovered that she was transgender--nothing bad. Earlier in the week (she works at the mall) she went into Express before her shift started and found two casual male dress shirts. The attendant was very nice and let her go into the dressing room and try them on. She said she began to feel funny, looking at herself in the mirror. She broke down and started crying, and in that moment realized she was transgender--that she knew that she should have been more a male, not a female. She didn't tell me until days later through text. I understand why, too. People aren't receptive to trans people. Most are downright horrid towards them. Despite my family being relatively closed-minded, I have always been very accepting and supportive of all cultures. Especially the LGBTQ community. Carrying one, in her text mentioned how embarrassed she was and I reassured him that I did not care. I wanted him to be everything he could be in life--to pursue what he truly wanted, and to be everything he could aspire to be. The only snag in the conversation was when he asked if I could be with him once he went through the transition. I was honest and said I didn't think I could because I have never identified an anything other than heterosexual and I'm genetically predisposed, just like a gay man isn't attracted to a woman, a lesbian to a man, and so on and so forth. This upset him greatly, to a magnitude I never anticipated.

I got home that morning at around 2 AM, Sunday. I came in, showered and came to bed. He was lying in bed listening to music. I snuggled up to him and asked him to please let us continue to pursue the conversation. I told him I wanted to be with him, that I didn't care if he were a male. That, also, I am very conflicted because I don't know if I can because I'm not attracted to men, but I was try my hardest, as hard as I could to be there for him in every way. At that point he started crying and admitted he overdosed on 17 klonopin in an attempt to kill himself. As you can imagine, I immediately called 911 and got him to the hospital, where they fed him charcoal and hospitalized him until MOnday, before transferring him to a psychiatric ward. The doctor said he wold have died in his sleep had he not told me.

I am literally beside myself in pain, anguish, self loathing, utter destitution because I love him tremendously. He says I do not because I can't be with him when he transitions. At the same time, I am constantly flip flopping between yes I can and no I can't to the point it is driving me crazy. I blame myself for the suicide attempt, I hate myself because I feel like I am causing nothing more than stress, grief and anguish, and I am on the verge of going crazy. It's only been a few days and he's making demands such as wanting a child before transitioning because he wants to be a midwife and experience chlidbirth and breastfeeding, and I was given a three year time frame. I have never really wanted children and I feel like I am being given an ultimatum and guilted into things. Am I? We've been together for two years. Next month will mark the second year. He says I don't love him unconditionally if I can't be with him as a male. That I am mean and selfish--cruel for the things I said about not knowing. And he ha threatened to break up with me if I can't give him a child. That there needs to be a compromise. We have children, I accept his transitioning. Both to which I am so unsure.

I didn't know who I could reach out to because I don't know any trans people. I am sincerely hoping someone can give me insight and help steer me in the right direction. Thank you all.

First off hugs to you for at least no running away.

Second find a gender therapist for his and your help.

It is the foundation needed for a true relationship to survive.

Glad he did not walk all the way threw the door way. The reason will come clear to him st some point.


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Safe passage on your path that also is his, popcorn?

Izzy

Graveorchid,

(((HUG)))Sweetie I feel your pain, but the biggest thing I have to say right off the bat is never let yourself get pressured into doing something you're not sure you're ready to do, making the demands that he is demanding of you is extremely unfair, especially considering your state of mind right now. You are confused, you are scared and you feel guilty. In short, you are not in the right frame of mind right now to make these kinds of decisions. I would strongly suggest you seeing a therapist also so that you can work through your feelings and emotions on the subject. Yes it is true that there is a lot of hate and discrimination against the transgender community, but that doesn't mean that he isn't a valuable person. It doesn't mean he's not worth it. I know you're not saying that I'm just trying to point out the obvious. I also want to point out sweetie how wonderful it is that you're using the proper pronouns for what he is feeling. I really have to commend you for that. I know things are hard, you need to take some time and sort out how you are feeling is that the person that you're attracted to or was it his femininity. These are only questions, you can answer. I'm sorry I don't have a better answer for you, but I wish the two of you the best of luck on your journey and made the Angels always look upon you and help guide you on your path.

Much love,

Melissa Ann

Ditto Melissa Ann. GraveOrchid, IMHO, you are being amazing! Bottom line - don't agree to anything with which you are not entirely comfortable. You have, I think, been incredibly patient, sensitive, etc. He needs to be as patient and sensitive. There are lots of issues that he will need to address. I think you're to be commended for not immediately freaking out. Get thee to a therapist! Hugs!

You will both benefit a great deal from therapy, individually and as a couple. What he is going through is very, very hard and scary and can cause even fairly stable people to kind of lose their ->-bleeped-<-, but you have correctly recognized that 1) a lot of this is his baggage that he will have to deal with himself, and 2) you are entitled to be stunned, afraid, unsure, and grieving.

His suicide attempt is not your fault. It is not your fault. It is not your fault. It is NOT your fault.

He is feeling terrified, rejected, alone, and unlovable right now. That's part of coming out for many people, and it's really tough, and it's understandable that he really wants--and feels like he NEEDS--a promise that you will be there and will love him in exactly the same way you always have. It's understandable that he is feeling anguish about the loss of the family he thought he'd have with you, and is desperate to preserve that dream somehow. But forcing you to commit to things you don't want is not the answer. He needs therapy, and he needs to be okay with himself. No matter how tightly he holds you, the things that are hurting and terrifying him are still going to be there, and he will have to deal with them. And in order to have a healthy, happy, loving relationship based on your full and free consent (as it should be), he is going to have to deal with all of that. That work is his own, and he is the one who has to do it.

It is not true that your love is a lie if you can't love him exactly the way he wants. Some people really are exclusively homosexual or heterosexual. If that's who you are, you can't will yourself out of your sexual orientation. I was in a relationship with a man for a long time, and believe me, I tried to will myself into it. It did not work. I cared for him a great deal--nothing about my love was false, but it was not the love of a heterosexual woman for a man. And ultimately, I had to admit that I could not make it work. I gave him what I had to give, but it wasn't what either of us wanted. You are not a liar or a traitor or heartless or cruel if you can't do it. You would not, in the end, be doing him any favors by staying in the relationship and spending each day trying your very best and hardest to muster up the gay love you wish you felt. You can still love him even if you're not in love with him--as a friend, as a brother, as a wonderful person you care about very much. Of course, it's possible that your sexual orientation is flexible enough to include a man, but you've never really given it much thought. That is something you can work through with a therapist, and think about over time, but don't feel you have to have all the answers right this minute.

You're right that it sounds like you're receiving ultimatums and guilt trips. Those are based on his very understandable fear and pain, but you are entitled to say "no" if what he's suggesting is not what you want. The responsibility that you had toward him was to be honest, to respect his identity, and to treat him kindly. It sounds like you have done that. If your relationship is going to survive, you need therapy, time to adjust and work through your fear and loss, and enough emotional space to make a decision that's actually yours. 

My heart goes out to you. This is going to be a really, really tough time for you both, no matter what happens. If you decide to stay, I strongly encourage you to check out support groups for non-trans partners of trans people. It's great if you can find a group in your area you can actually meet with and talk to, but there are online support groups as well. Best of luck.

First I wanted to say welcome and I'm very sorry you're in the situation you are in.

I read your post several times to try and get my thoughts in order. With that said, I would like to offer my advice and I ask that you bear with me. The most important thing I want to say is this: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I think that needs to be said at the get go. I'll repeat it as many times as it takes. This is not your fault.

Now, your partner needs to get help. There is a lot going on and I'm willing to bet that he isn't fully aware of all the things bothering him. He needs to get into therapy and find someone who can help him sort out his feelings. Things like attempting suicide are red flags and calls for help and as much as you want to be there, these kinds of issues require professional help.

I will honestly say that I think you've done everything right here. The bottom line is this; it's okay if you aren't okay with your girlfriend becoming your boyfriend. You are not obligated to be okay with being in a relationship with a man. Your partner may be having identity conflicts but that is HIS battle, and by trying to be supportive you have already done more than many in your situation would do and have done. Your identity and his are separate.

The terms that have been placed on your relationship bother me a bit. To me it sounds like a red flag. He can't expect you to give up who you are entirely. Asking you to give up your own goals, have children when you don't want them, be seen as gay when you are not... This isn't like being asked to shave every other day or put on a different shirt. This isn't even like starting a new job or moving to a new apartment. These are drastic, life altering choices that require a heck of a lot longer than a few days and will affect you potentially for the rest of your life. In the case of children it would affect you for your entire life. Your partner wants unconditional support, and that's normal I'd say. But at the same time is putting conditions on the relationship that require you to make large sacrifices for his happiness. That is not a healthy attitude. In asking for his own happiness he is asking you to be willing to lose your own, and I don't see that as reasonable.

If you can only be his friend, that is what you can be. I can tell from what you've written that you love this person. However, love cannot be selfish and one sided.

From the trans side, I can offer my own experiences only. I knew for sure when I was 19. I lived with my boyfriend and he was supportive. I closeted myself for another 4 years out of fear. When I finally began transition, it was my boyfriend who pushed me. I tell you this because I think it's very important to know. Hiding something like transgender identity is taxing and painful. In the process of trying to be a woman I hurt my partner for years. It was never intended and it wasn't even something I knew I was doing. I was so miserable that it flowed out like a toxic cloud.

Three years later we are still together. We are married and happily so. I adore my husband and I know he loves me to the moon and back. But, it has been hard for him. It's difficult for us sometimes because we often forget in the rush of things how this affects those we love. I can't understand how hard it was for him to make adjustments, but I am beyond appreciative for what he has struggled with. There was a time when we didn't know if we would stay together and it was hard for me. We met in high school, and it would have been a large part my life gone if he had left me. But, I would have understood. I love him too much then and now to make him give up the things about him that I loved.

I can only say I hope that you two are able to talk and be friends and work through this together whatever that may mean for your relationship. However, please don't lose your own identity and life in the process. It is not your job to lose who you are for anyone else.

I hope you take Ayden's words to heart. He gave you some excellent advice I think.

I would also like to reiterate, Your partners suicide attempt is not your fault.

GaveOrchid. I love that name BTW. Yeah a little dark here. But you are who you are and like therewolf said, this is in no way your fault whatsoever. We are attracted to who we are attracted to and Kudos to you for being there for him. You can still be friends for sure. But who we are attracted to in the way of male or female, we are just as helpless to as if we are trans or cis, hetero or gay or bi. If you can't be a lover you can still be a friend. It in no way means you are selfish or anything negative at all. Sometime a really good friend is better than a lover anyway. I don't know if this helps or not but you are you just like he is him. and being who you are is just as important as him being who he is. Does that make sense?

GraveOrchid,

just wanted to say that I'm sorry for what you and your partner are going through.

I'm going through something similar with my husband at the moment (I'm ftm), and it is an incredibly painful experience for both of us. We are taking things very slowly -- and hopefully, the outcome will be a continued relationship where both of us may have to compromise, but where both of us can be happy. But neither of us will sacrifice their happiness or well-being for the other. It is extremely painful and scary to accept this, but there is no other way.

I agree with MelissaAnn 100%. Do not do anything you don't want to do. Don't get pressured into doing something you are unsure of. And thank you for being so honest and for accepting the trans* community.