I've been lurking for a few days, doing a lot of thinking. It sounds like I share
some of the same experiences with a lot of you that waited until an older age
to start their transition. That makes me feel so much less like a freak.

Did you girls that transitioned late feel some force or feeling of destiny to transition?

Throughout my life my thoughts have been pushed deep inside and while I always
knew they were there I never acted on them for many of the same reasons that have
been discussed.

The last few months has been like a flood that has just hit me and it feels like I really
need to do this. As far as I know nothing triggered it, no life changes, etc. It just
somehow came out. And thinking about the possibility that I could still transition makes
me incredibly happy.

Has anyone else experienced this?

People transition at all different ages for so many different reasons.  You transition when you are ready or are able to.  Don't worry about when, it isn't important, what is important is that you are true to yourself.

Sarah L.

What do you consider late? Past 30 or 40 or 50?

I waited so long (39 y.o.) because I thought I could cope and fight it off. The older I got, the worse the need to be female rose until eventually it effected my daily life to such an extent I had to do something. I was so cosumed and so wrought up with the thought of being a woman I could not concentrate on anything else. There was a constant 24x7 drumming in my mind that overwhelmed me to the point where not only could it not be pushed back, it made its presence noticeable in my daily movements. So many times I just acted like a woman unable to control or put up a front to hide it. I lost the ability to disguise who I was and the ability to control or fight it off. After more than a year of 4-5 hours of wrestless sleep each night and some nights with no sleep, it wore me down. I either needed to blow out my brains or deal with this in the best way I could and hope I can transition successfully without to many casualties in my personal life. Since starting HRT, I have slept better and have calmed down quite a bit and am able to act "normal" to a point. I'm able to concentrate on work and I'm able to get alond with my daily life. Funny how at this point I couldnt care either way wich way I went.....yet the side effects of the HRT regimine I'm on are already pronounced. I went on HRT out of necessity, and will transition because of that. I do not WANT to do this, I have no choice.

Let me start by saying this is a varying subject as everyone starts at different times for different reasons (is there an echo in the room??!!lol)
    For me starting at age 38 came down to one thing - I am a survivor (was raped in my 20's) which caused me to push it so far down that even after counselling my mind allowed me to forget who I am and live - however, I always knew something was different about me but couldn't put a finger on it. So many things weren't right for me. Now I understand each and every one of them. My trigger was Jerry Springer, believe it or not. He had a show with wives on who crossdress their husbands to make their intimate times better. Another story there too long to discuss here. I mentioned it to the wife and one night wore a pair of nylons to bed to see if I would be softer and more attentive by bringing out my 'fem' side. However, the more I wore them the harder things became for me in that it just felt natural to put them on and I felt not just feminine but felt I was woman. I stopped wearing them for a bit but the feeling still grew stronger. I talked to my wife and cried like a baby in her arms for I feared I would lose her. However, the next morn we reseached and researched and talked til we were blue in the face. That was 1-1 1/2 yrs ago (round time my pic was taken I use in here). I am now full time and enjoying every minute of life.
                               Kim   

I'm very new here as this is my 3rd post but I'm going through urges right now.  I'm 43 by the way. Talking to my wife has helped some but right now, I'm unable to concentrate here at work and I can't sleep at night at home.  For some reason though, when we camp in our camper at the state park, I sleep great.

After camping this weekend and talking to my wife a lenght about what my next step should be (I want her support), I/we decided I should start councling but as my luck would have it, the number to the nearest gender therapist is disconnected so I'm not sure were to go from here.  I know not having a plan is going to consume my thoughts even more.

Andi

Quote from: maybe_amanda on October 15, 2007, 11:56:30 AM
Did you girls that transitioned late feel some force or feeling of destiny to transition?

Ya.  After riding to the hospital in an ambulance I realized that if I didn't transition, I would die a male.

Lori: I don't know what the cutoff is but it seems that we have the girls that transition by 25-30 and then those of us that it
seems to hit late thirties and early forties (where I am). I don't want to generalize at all but for the sake of this discussion
I think 35 or later could be considered late???

QuoteI always knew something was different about me but couldn't put a finger on it. So many things weren't right for me.

I can relate to many of the things, the sleeplessness, the consuming thoughts. And I'm just starting to understand those things and how it's shaped my entire life.

Posted on: October 15, 2007, 03:48:26 PM

---

I found this and thought I would share it.

QuoteThe age of desperation and action commonly begins in early adulthood, when the transsexual is finally confronted with the inevitability of their misery being permanent, or as soon as a degree of independence from family is achieved that would permit transition to the proper sex. This expression of transsexuality is sometimes called 'Early Onset Transsexualism'.

Sometimes the suffering transsexual is totally hopeless, without enough information or understanding, or trapped by choices and is also unable to face suicide. The result is a massive purge and redoubled effort to conform, and the transsexual enters a stage of denial and repression that can last years...even decades. At some point, generally as the transsexual approaches middle life and the spectre of eventual mortality becomes real, as balding sets in and youth is lost, the repression abruptly ends and a mad scramble to make up for lost time and life ensues. Families are disrupted and all the carefully built up facade of normality is commonly thrown into chaos, as the aging transsexual rallies against cruel time and the misery of decades of lost years. The solutions are essentially the same as for the 'Early Onset' transsexual, only later in life, and with consequently far more complications. This expression of transsexuality is sometimes referred to as 'Late Onset Transsexualism'.

I have purged three times in my life. I'm tired of running as well, and time certainly pushes when you realise that you are running out.

do sort of young people have a say in this thread?  I think we all share something in common

Anyone here who is over 40 or so didn't have a realistic option to transition when they were young. When I was young, transsexuals, by and large, did not exist. In the late 70s, I dated a rather famous and beautiful transwoman. She never disclosed and I found out when we became intimate. Well, actually I knew, I just didn't want to admit it. (Guys lie about knowing, believe me, they usually know.)

I did not think transition was possible, for some reason, I thought I might not "qualify" and even if I did, I never heard of transitioning on the job. Most of the girls back then financed their transition by working in the trade. And I did not think that I could do that even if I found it morally acceptable. (I didn't think I would be attractive enough) Little did I know that twenty years later I would transition and be attractive enough make good money turning tricks. Life is like a box of chocolates indeed.

Posted on: October 16, 2007, 12:06:58 AM

---

QuoteLori: I don't know what the cutoff is but it seems that we have the girls that transition by 25-30 and then those of us that it
seems to hit late thirties and early forties (where I am). I don't want to generalize at all but for the sake of this discussion
I think 35 or later could be considered late???

In a way, 35 may be later than say 55. The 55 YO did not have a realistic option to transition when young. The 35 year old did.

I doubt that thirty years from now that you will be seeing many people transitioning past forty.

Ooooooops forgot about the age. I was 55 when I started transitioning.

Hi Lisbeth

"Hee, hee, hee hee!"

QuoteYa.  After riding to the hospital in an ambulance I realized that if I didn't transition, I would die a male.

I couldn't think of a better reason to do the transitioning.

Me like everyone else, well, a lot of others here in this message board, my whole life, my mind was all consuming with the obsession to be a girl. Geeeee that sounds weird now after living as a woman for the last 7 years.

While I was living by myself before transitioning I was pretty good at role playing, like in a theatre, although in this case my living room was the theatre I play acted out my scenes. I could be a lady in a gown dancing with here debonair rich gentleman friend. Or climb down the hill behind the apartment building to play desert Princess in an old abandoned sand pit.

Or walk down  the trail through the woods down to the beach and dance around on the sand like a fairy princes. Ah but it was fun. I maybe getting into theatrics play acting the medieval scene in the spring, I am really looking forward to it.   

For the first two years of my living full time as Cindy, I had a friends 3 children in my care, what a way to start full time huh, but there was no problem I love children,. Come to think about it now I wanted to be me, there was no resisting it in the end, again I WANTED to.

Cindy

Quote from: Lisbeth on October 15, 2007, 03:40:48 PM
Ya.  After riding to the hospital in an ambulance I realized that if I didn't transition, I would die a male.

Yep, same realization for me too. The fear of dying as a male, having never lived a single day as a female, eventually overpowered my fears of transitioning - fears in which I was absolutely convinced transition meant a life of scorn, abuse and ridicule.

But if got the point I DIDN'T CARE ANYMORE.

~Kate~

QuoteDid you girls that transitioned late feel some force or feeling of destiny to transition?

Throughout my life my thoughts have been pushed deep inside and while I always
knew they were there I never acted on them for many of the same reasons that have
been discussed.

The last few months has been like a flood that has just hit me and it feels like I really
need to do this. As far as I know nothing triggered it, no life changes, etc. It just
somehow came out. And thinking about the possibility that I could still transition makes
me incredibly happy.

Has anyone else experienced this?

To quote Popeye the Sailor, "That's all I can stands, I can't stands no more!"  That's hitting "critical mass."  That was me.
I was 5 when I found myself dressing in my older sister's hand-me-downs instead of my older brother's.  I was 9 and in Catholic school when I knew that I should have been the girl who was in line ahead of me instead of who I was.  I prayed at night to wake-up as a girl.  I touched my dream by wearing my sister's things when I was home alone.  I graduated high school knowing that at best my life was a sham.

Time passed.  I was too afraid to try to "pass."

I came home from the military, lived in the boonies where gays were fair game and lesbians the subject of insults from the local "men."  I still knew that I was not in the right body but I have already bought into the "system" and married and all that other stuff.

Fast forward to 1995.  I bought a computer and read everything that I could about transsexuality.  After seven years of looking and lurking, the walls went down one night and I spilled my guts in a chat room.  I went on for 2.5 hours.  I was never the same again.

I adopted a name and never looked back.

I was ready when the time was right for me.  No person, thing, or institution could hold me back.  I was 51 when I began this wondrous journey that a close lady friend of mine refers to as my "time of wonderment."

I did it then because I could and no one could stand in my path.

To Lisbeth:  I wish I was able to say it in as few words as you.  Be well and happy.  You are one good friend to these Forums.

Wing Walker
Flying High on Life

This is a great post!!! Everyone that has replied has echoed exactly how I've been feeling. Amanda- it hit me in Sept. 2007 "...like a flood...". I didn't think I'd even start counseling for a long while, but it nagged at me so much that I jumped right in, and the first session was fantastic!!!

It's consumed me so much that, honestly, I haven't given a lot of thought as to how or in what way rather family or friends will react, I need to do this. I surpressed it for so long, and it got easier when I gained so much weight I thought "well there, you see, you could never go there". Then of course my constant worrying over age. I'm now 38, and posts and replys like these keep me going as well as my counselor.

I can't say exactly what triggered everything finally. I just came home from a great vacation, had been dealing with some pretty severe depression then. One night last month, I was online and something told me to come back to this web site (susan's). I had been here once before approx. 1 or 2 years ago, just observing, I didn't "sign in" or have an introduction. I just came here, and I guess maybe...that was the trigger? dunno. Just so damn glad I did.

Hi Morticia

20 years ago they didn't have the Internet and things that were considered the unspeakable like words that began with *trans* anything. Yes it would have been a lot more difficult to transition back then there was only very few places that specialised with trnaexuality back then. Not to mention those that did wish to transition had various different reasons that held them back.

Family was the major #1 problem to deal with, their jobs #2, sell the house? Don't sell the house? wrong time of the month, year, have to pay the car off, any number of reasons right down to their toe nails.  Heck I know some who didn't start transitioning until their mid fifties, my Soul mate and I fit that category, well as far as the age goes anyway.

There weren't any facilities there where lived and I knew I needed a therapist to get the hormones. There weren't any in the immediate area that were available. Luckily my shrink found me an endocrinologist in the city of Toronto about 200 miles away. I seen this endo all of three times when she informed me she was leaving to pursue another vocation. I had her transfer the prescriptions for hormones to my JP in my home town. So here I have a shrink  with only minimal knowledge of Gender Dysphoria and a JP who only wrote out the scripts for the hormones and androgen blocker as requested by the endocrinologist.

And here I was filling out all the forms and sending money orders for my my change of ID.I did it all by my little old self, practically all of the whole damned shebang right into full time. Hmmmmm reminds me of my youngest daughter when she was getting on the buss to go back to university in Toronto, she leaned over and said to me with such pride, "I did it all by myself dad. There was no one there when I needed them." She is now a child psychologist living somewhere in Toronto. So like my daughter I can look back and say, with much pride and determination, "yes!" "I did it!" and I did it by myself. I think my stomach was in my throat in the beginning, but now I wear it proudly like a pendant on my chest. I was 55 years old when I began now 7 years later full time and four years since SRS. Once the cogs locked into place the rest of the machinery ran smoothly and effectively.

Cindy

hi ...   morticia  . yes i would go along with that very much so .  you are just over me yes at 60 there are a few of us now coming out  .& thats neat it was much the same for us .funny so far away .yet the same in so many ways . family o yes.    o yes we are in new zealand & harder for us very little to go on .  no info & hormones.    i like what you said about your daughter .neat .& the cogs o yes .  thats what it felt like for me . when every thing was locked in .  it all worked & heres the point . not be fore .  no way ..it just would not go   .thank you for your letter thats great .....noeleena ...   

Quote from: Kate on October 16, 2007, 12:58:00 AM

Quote from: Lisbeth on October 15, 2007, 03:40:48 PM
Ya.  After riding to the hospital in an ambulance I realized that if I didn't transition, I would die a male.

Yep, same realization for me too. The fear of dying as a male, having never lived a single day as a female, eventually overpowered my fears of transitioning - fears in which I was absolutely convinced transition meant a life of scorn, abuse and ridicule.

But if got the point I DIDN'T CARE ANYMORE.

~Kate~

And now my greatest fear is getting Alzheimer's and forgetting that I transitioned.

shanetastic: I did not mean to exclude anyone, and I welcome any comments. I'm trying to deal with my feelings and being late (early forties) I thought I could relate better to those that also waited. But please feel free to comment I value everyones comments.

QuoteLife is miserable when you have to look in the mirror and see a strange man there looking back at you.

I feel that so much. I've never like having pictures taken I think for the same reason. My face and body seem so yucky to me when I see
it in print. I never realized why until recently when I started delving into why things are like they are.

QuoteI have NOTHING in common with men.  I can not relate to them on any level.

It's funny how you go through life making decisions and don't realize why you make them. I've never had close male friends and I think this could be the reason. Even if they have the same interests they come at the subject from a totally different angle.

It is sooooooo great to have everyone here with the same experiences and be able to work through what I've been feeling all these years. Thanks so much everyone, it's making me feel closer to taking the "maybe" off my name.

Sometimes, when life slows down, what's important to us that's been pushed aside.
Other times, many of us can have manic stages.  Just be careful, they can last for months and get yuo into situations you'd rather not be in if you don't make sure yuo're doing what's right.

Around here, the young people call Early transitioners "Primary transsexuals" and late transitioners "Secondary transsexuals" and I am not sure why. Anyway my late transition was due to similiar circumstances as Morticia. I would have never spoken to my parents about it as a youngster. And the other kids would have beaten me to death. Literally. I caught enough hell as it was without exposing myself.  I buried it deep inside as long as I could stand it. Finally, about 5 years ago, when my life was in a shambles, I said, "What the hell, I've nothing to lose now, and I have the support and resources, so here I go!"