hi im new here, im a 19 year old and to be honest this is all relativity new to me. so i guess i should let you ladies and gents get to know me a bit im a hardcore gamer, i got a handful of good friends, divorced parents, not the best life but cant complain, im signed up for college, looking forward to a promising engineering career, oh and i think i may be transgender  . anyways i cant stop thinking about how i feel, it all started back when i was young like 8 or 9, i had lived with my dad since i was 5, he had just got a new girlfriend and she moved in. well when i was home alone i would dress up in her clothes and pretend to be a girl. well after a couple months my dad caught me, he was overall pretty understanding for walking in on his son dressed up in his girlfriends clothes well he told me i was just going through a phase and he explained i was just curious and would grow out of it. i of course being a good son tried to be the little man my dad wanted me to be. later in my life i began discovering myself (Yep imma gonna talk about puberty) and this was back in 07 well i still would dress up when my dad and his new wife would go out i was of course ashamed and hiding where i could and figured i just hadnt grown out of the phase yet. i would occasionally would wear womens clothes to school like the occasional shirt or undergarment. well i remember always wanting to be a girl until finally i accepted it wasnt possible and tried to be the best boy i could be and this went on through highschool til i met this random gay guy, now im not gay but i was a tad curious, i never met him but we texted all the time. but the weird thing was is he treated me more like the traditional guy would treat a girl. calling me beautiful giving me pet names and i loved it, and i began to think well maybe im gay, but figured it was actually just the confidence boost i got from all the complements. well he wanted me and i didnt want him so we went our seperate ways. i have always put up a strong manly front  and dont get me wrong there are a lot of manly things i enjoy but i also like chick flics, sharing my feeling, cuddling, i cry when i watch marley and me (i know who doesnt ) i like having female avatars in games. i know none of those things mean anything genderwise cause im sure plenty of men enjoy those thing, well recently i started listening to mtf hypnosis and having fantasies of being a girl, at first i figured it was sexual frustration or just a kinky fetish cause i would also watch female pov pron videos(i know im weird  ) but i find my self longing to be a female to get my nails done go out on romantic dates where i dont have to plan everything lol, to be a beautiful woman and indulge in womanhood. but ive been hiding these feelings for so long and im scared to tell anyone hence why im here. the only one i was brave enough to tell was my friend david and i actually just told him tonight, to my surprise he told me he actually felt similar but at that point i actually began crying because until then i though maybe this stuff was all a dream or a phase, i actually expected him to laugh and say haha now whats the punch line, but he excepted me and i think at that point i knew it wasnt a dream or a phase but i dont know what to do im scared i feel helpless so i figured id get online, and that when i found this place. so thats my story and if you made it this far thank you for staying cause i dont know weither i should hide it, express it,or try something like transitioning . heck i dont even know, maybe im just a confused teen. but im hoping for some support or advice or even a slap in the face i just wanted know what is up with me . thank you

Self discovery is probably one of the most beautiful things in life...

Welcome to Susans!

Hi Chieftan 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Here's some quick links to help you along

Please be sure to review

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Hugs

V M

Chieftain

Welcome to Susans.  Your narrative is very similar to that of many of us.  Don't stress or sweat over this.  Find a good therapist and do the work.  Whether you are trans or not, the  search for self and the acceptance and authentic expression of your core is a lifelong journey which is enriching and immensely satisfying.

I wish you well.   Remember one step at a time will usually be enough.  This really is one of those situations when the journey is arguably more important than the destination.

Be well and safe travels

Aisla

Hi Chieftain, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm up near Boston. I don't want you to panic, but most of the people who see this......may be transgender!  You're among friends here, relax and enjoy the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: chieftain on November 21, 2014, 02:42:21 AM
oh and i think i may be transgender  .

I love that part. "Oh I think I'm transgender." Just out of the blue. Priceless chieftain. OMG even a little cute. I know hon it is hard. But the hardest one to come out to is ourselves. Everyone else can either guess, talk crap or figure it out on their own. I still love it though the way you added it.

But seriously though welcome. Ughh, if you think you may be transgender then you may very well indeed be. A gender therapist can do wonders. But it all come down to you and who you are. But from what you described though, the female avatars, the little pet names and being treated femme by a boyfriend. You probably already know the answer. As for porn, some of us are bi. I don't watch porn that much but I love reading some of the more racey books. You are not weird, but even that I ain't a bad thing.

Support: You are here and your story mirrors other's. Advice: Find a gender therapist. A slap in the face: Sorry I hate violence. How about a hug instead? *Hug*

Hey thanks fore all the replies they are really helping me understand. And tbh I know in my heart what I want I'm just scared I'm to old or to manly I'm 6ft I have large hands and size 12 1/2 m shoes and I'd love to transition I'm just worried about all the stuff i shouldn't be worried about cause there are so many beautiful women who have gone though all this .but I think I'm trying to justify sacrificing my true self to keep my family happy. I'm sure most of them would except me like my dad but my mom caught me shaving my legs she laughed, while she excepted it because I'm a runner she says it's unnatural

Also my best friend is being so understanding he agrees I should see a gender councillor and said he would stand by my decision I live in Charlotte NC where  would I find this kind of advisement? Also I've never use a forum (I know I know where have I been the last 20 years) so if I'm posting wrong I'll try and fix it after work

Chieftain

Don't worry there are many of us who are your size

Quote from: chieftain on November 21, 2014, 07:53:26 PM
Also my best friend is being so understanding he agrees I should see a gender councillor and said he would stand by my decision I live in Charlotte NC where  would I find this kind of advisement? Also I've never use a forum (I know I know where have I been the last 20 years) so if I'm posting wrong I'll try and fix it after work

I was kind of late to the whole computer deal myself. You're doing fine though.

Don't let size stop you. I'm bi and dated a ciswoman that towered over me. Actually her shoes were too big for me. We checked. So don't let height or size be a deciding factor.

Hi Chieftain, welcome to Susan's - hope you find the answers you are looking for!

im so worried that maybe this is a phase i keep fading in and out with doubt 1 sec im sure the next i think of what the future will hold i know id be more happy as a woman but what if i regret it later i hate that i cant make up my mind and all the gender therapist cost so much and im just 19 i wish i could find some one just to talk to to help me understand these feelings everytime i think of staying where i am i feel so sad, but when i think of the change i think of the hard time ahead with family and hard ships and if this is a phase (i serious doubt it is) i dont want to wait and regret not doing it sooner. i feel so helpless. you all have already helped so much i just dont know when ill be absolutely sure and it is causing so much emotional stress i am even finding it hard to work i just dont understand why these feelings come and go like ill be fine for months and then i would go see a play or some thing and i would see a the boys and girls getting ready and i would see my best friend wearing make up and i would think i would love to be allowed to do that and i would go back to thinking well you cant cause you are a boy you cant be who you are. but on the otherside i feel like i dont fit in with the manly men granted i love video games, action movies, playing bass and alot of manly stuff like rock climbing hiking going places ive never been. but i cant decide what is the better decision for my life, future, happiness, family, friends, and i would love to have kids some day i know i can adopt and medical science has come alongway. i just wish someone could tell me am i a boy are a girl,i want to be a girl but im afraid of giving up my life as a guy ive been this way for 19 years i may be unhappy but its all i know and how can i be absolutely sure the grass is greener. and i know that if i push this down again its only a matter of time before this will come back.

Hi Chieftain and welcome to Susan's. I'm happy that you found the site. You're among friends so feel free to ask any questions that you may have. Enjoy your here with us.

Quote from: chieftain on November 22, 2014, 12:10:56 PM
im so worried that maybe this is a phase i keep fading in and out with doubt 1 sec im sure the next i think of what the future will hold i know id be more happy as a woman but what if i regret it later i hate that i cant make up my mind and all the gender therapist cost so much and im just 19 i wish i could find some one just to talk to to help me understand these feelings everytime i think of staying where i am i feel so sad, but when i think of the change i think of the hard time ahead with family and hard ships and if this is a phase (i serious doubt it is) i dont want to wait and regret not doing it sooner. i feel so helpless. you all have already helped so much i just dont know when ill be absolutely sure and it is causing so much emotional stress i am even finding it hard to work i just dont understand why these feelings come and go .....   i just wish someone could tell me am i a boy are a girl,i want to be a girl but im afraid of giving up my life as a guy ive been this way for 19 years i may be unhappy but its all i know and how can i be absolutely sure the grass is greener. and i know that if i push this down again its only a matter of time before this will come back.

Chieftain

Remember that you have to do the work.  You already feel that you may be trans, this won't go away.  Take your time.  You can stop, start, retrace your steps etc.  it is your journey and only you can take it.  For a long time I tried everything that I could to ignore my dysphoria.  Then finding and accepting that I was trans changed my life.  The next twist came when I realised that I was not MTF but that I was non binary.

In some ways you need to give voice to your inner self and look your very core in the eye.  When you can do this, you will know, you will know who you are.  Forget the labels and stop looking for others to assign you a role.  You are the author, and a truly self authored and authentic life awaits you.    Just take that first step.  Do you really  have any other choice?

Safe travels

Aisla

that is beautiful im sure you are right Aisla and i suppose i should just do what makes me happy so im gonna give it a go try some things ive always wanted to try and see if i feel happier then i guess i will be a little more sure that i am making the right choice and nothing is pinned down i suppose til i do something that is permanent and even so i suppose i can be a tom boy lol.

Quote from: chieftain on November 22, 2014, 12:10:56 PM
im so worried that maybe this is a phase i keep fading in and out with doubt 1 sec im sure the next i think of what the future will hold i know id be more happy as a woman but what if i regret it later i hate that i cant make up my mind and all the gender therapist cost so much and im just 19 i wish i could find some one just to talk to to help me understand these feelings everytime i think of staying where i am i feel so sad, but when i think of the change i think of the hard time ahead with family and hard ships and if this is a phase (i serious doubt it is) i dont want to wait and regret not doing it sooner. i feel so helpless. you all have already helped so much i just dont know when ill be absolutely sure and it is causing so much emotional stress i am even finding it hard to work i just dont understand why these feelings come and go like ill be fine for months and then i would go see a play or some thing and i would see a the boys and girls getting ready and i would see my best friend wearing make up and i would think i would love to be allowed to do that and i would go back to thinking well you cant cause you are a boy you cant be who you are. but on the otherside i feel like i dont fit in with the manly men granted i love video games, action movies, playing bass and alot of manly stuff like rock climbing hiking going places ive never been. but i cant decide what is the better decision for my life, future, happiness, family, friends, and i would love to have kids some day i know i can adopt and medical science has come alongway. i just wish someone could tell me am i a boy are a girl,i want to be a girl but im afraid of giving up my life as a guy ive been this way for 19 years i may be unhappy but its all i know and how can i be absolutely sure the grass is greener. and i know that if i push this down again its only a matter of time before this will come back.

Oh chieftain. Passing phase? That kind of makes me smile a little. I phase? Maybe. Passing? Not so sure.

Only you can define yourself as male, female or something in between. That is all on you. I wish I could tell you one way or the other but I can't and probably wouldn't because it is something that you need to work out.

You deserve to be happy. If you are unhappy, change it and make yourself happy.

I will tell you one thing though. You keep pushing it down it will be back. It never goes away. There are things you can do to be more comfortable with yourself. But to me it has never went away.

Again advice: Seek a gender therapist to help you explore these feeling and longings.

Well guys and gals I know this sounds like a long shot but I've decided to devote my life to realizing my dream of a perfect transition I'm going into bio mechanical engineering I will make it so everyone who feels like me can be the way they ought to be, keep a look out for me hopefully it doesn't take for ever but some day I hope I can make this a perfect world for all of us I'll keep everyone posted on my progress itll be alittle while but I hope you have the patience cause nothings gonna stand in my way. men can be men , and women can be  women it's our choice not societies. You may not be able to choose the way your born but I'll make sure you can choose the way you live. wish me luck I may be trapped in a mans body ,but someday I will be a women and hopefully have some little ones that can grow up in a world free of misinformed bigots. Thank you all for helping me find my calling.