Well, it's my first post here, but - I'll take a different tack from most.
First, you've got some MAJOR advantages: Young and in Uni.
A few steps to consider which will make YOU happier with YOU, regardless of anything else:
- First, going to be counter-intuitive: CLEAN UP! PICK YOURSELF UP BY YOUR TITS AND SHAKE YOURSELF OUT!
I know it's a heartless thing to say, but it's KEY you start with the internal game first. NO ONE ELSE MATTERS, only YOU, in this stage. You need to apply some tough love to yourself. Don't like what you see in the mirror? YOU must change it - no one else can. I'd suggest you use things as a diversion and distraction, but they'll also pay long-term dividends. There are three sub-categories to consider:
1. Exercise. I love the gym, I lift like a man (I'd be MTF TG, BTW). I like being strong, I like being fast. If I go towards transition, I'll lose most of that, but I can still be a strong-@$$ woman, ya know? Long as I don't look like Nicole Bass, say. :-P
There are other versions, though. Yoga and Bellydance would be two GREAT options. Vinyasa (flow) or Hot yoga, for example - if you have any body fat, it'll get torched. You don't want a belly, because that means you're male. :-( Bellydance will feminise your mind and body, too. There are DVDs, you should be able to work it around a roommate schedule if necessary.
In the same vein, clean up your diet as much as possible. Eat a Paleo-based woman diet: High Protein, low carb, cut out the starchy vegetables. IE, avoid potatoes, yams, carrots, most fruits, ESP fruit juices - they all boil down to sugars. So do refined carbs - IE, pasta, bread. FURTHER, they act like opiates in the system, WRT addiction. Avoid the garbage, eat real (unrefined) foods. Compromise would be things like tuna, which you'll get processed (canned). Once you burn through the "carb flu," you'll have a clearer head and feel better. Also, be able to lose weight (fat) if you want. Side not,e don't EVER aim to burn off muscle; just target fat burning. Two or three sessions a day for short-term activity is better than one long, grueling session. 2-3 15-20 minute HIIT sessions > 1 4-hour Steady-State Aerobics session. Strength training at least 1/week, too - don't want to be a flabby girl, right? Just don't want to be a mucclehead either. Muscle is more active than fat, so you'll get skinnier keepign muscle, it's a big deal. Also avoids osteoporosis.
2. Underdress or even crossdress in innocuous ways. Boyish girl clothes, if you will. Wear a Genie Bra or sports bra, maybe even use enhancers to make YOU feel better. The key here, though, is: GTFO OF THE SAME GRUNGY CLOTHES! That's how a GUY acts! You need to CARE about your appearance. Others will pick up on your depression and negative energies - don't let them SEE IT from your clothes. ;-)
Look into mens shirts for button-downs. (women's will button on the "wrong" side, which might be OK for you - but others will notice, be aware.) Women's pants will be "close enough" that most people won't notice.
Choose fitted shirts when possible, women's T's and such when androgynous. (This is all predicated on not being "out". If you come out, it won't likely matter.) Choose things that are robust - IE, stay away from hose, no matter HOW MUCH you want them; they're a lousy and costly investment, as they run frequently even with good handling. tights, Eh... YMMV. (Your mileage may vary.) If you're muscular (As I am in the legs - soccer Calves, as a GF called them), then it's not likely worth it. But for lounging around, you could do stretch pants, like leggings (Jeggings, IIRC, would work.)
3. Subtle things that will ease your mind are essential here. Example, shaving your legs. Not exactly time for shorts here! ;-) It's EFFING cold up in Boston, and there are MUCH colder places - even Texas, right now.
Start teaching yourself makeup while no one is around. Work on plucking your eyebrows into a good (androgynous if not out) shape. Get a pedicure - you can go in Guy mode, it's no big thing any more. you can even go for a manicure - just ask for a men's manicure, it'll probably ease things. Massages also help - release stress. Just keep the budget in mind, of course.
You're likely at a point similar to me, the "I hate myself," or, "(Q) Are you suicidal? (A) Does the day end in 'Y'?" state. Difference is, you're about 20 years younger. :-( (Little Green Devil hates you. IE, Envy.)
Anyway - those you can do on your own, and make yourself over in a "feminine" self. Low cost, low impact.
- Counselling: Others mentioned this; you can look into online via skype as well, and look into paying cash if you have an income stream. I am in MA, where T* is protected by law. I STILL want to go pay cash out of pocket - I have my concerns about my government, and since we're still classified as "mentally ill" in the DSM V, I'm not anxious to have any record. Just because you're paranoid...
Anyway - the idea here is more of a "life coach" than straight up T*-counseling. Talking about what is bothering you, how to make yourself a better person, how to feel more "you", and to make sure you're going in the right direction. You don't want to go towards transition if you're going to hate yourself afterwards; that's just changing prisons. So a TG-focused "life coach" might be helpful, to sort out the "Who Am I" and the medical hoops you have to jump through....
More lasting options, depending on budget:
- Electrolysis, IPL, Laser beard reduction: Try Groupon or eBates, you might get deals. Electrolysis is esentail for gray or white hair, you likely don't ened to be concerned. Try for IPL or laser, you can even look into "home" versions and DIY (Do It yourself.) Costly investment, but versus the costs of the others for professional results? Could be worth it. YMMV - if misused, you can also scar your face or body, for example. But if you change your mind, no permanent changes to any "male" features, you just don't have a beard. So what? Unless (Like me) you hide behind a moustache or goatee...?
Long-term, potentially life-altering changes - APPROACH WITH CAUTION!
- Herbal breast enlargement - YMMV, outside of scope, might give you "DDs in a month", or "AAA in 5 years!" Depends on your DNA. I'd suggest you take up spearmint tea - it's an anti-androgen. Also, Saw Palmetto, part of many men's supplments, which will block DHT formation. If you're going down this path long-term, there will be major effects. You may become impotent and sterile. If that's OK, and you don't want kids, proceed at your own risk. I'm omitting other options for feminization as "off topic," but google is your friend. ;-) Supposedly can produce major feminisation, though, if you're one of the "gifted." As noted, some women get nothing after years of doing it "all correct," others get everything from no real work.
- online pharmacies: This is THE big step, of course - no coming back afterwards. You should plan for a clear face first, and you should do pharma-grade under supervision of an Endo. I don't give a <censored> myself, I have gone without - but then, I'm "stuck" in the middle now. I WAS robust and healthy at 18-25... ;-) didn't worry. Now I have some other concerns: spider veins along my ribs, for example. Can be cause from high Estrogen, I've read; also comes from high-sugar diet, which I've eaten. (Hence, Paleo as much as possible.)
I'd suggest you consider long-term issues like children first and foremost. If that's not an issue, you can push forward on whatever works. Baby steps add up! But first thing's first, while considering children et al for long term - do the simple things that'll help, like Spearmint Tea, Electrolysis, and dressing girl-androgynous (Jeans and t-shirt, but wear girl's underwear - that's essential! Bras, for example, are a big part of a woman's life... ;-) Just don't SHOW to show the world. Hence, the frumpy Genie Bra and sports bra and such.) Once you care about yourself - BEST produced by going in the direction you want (NEED) to go - everything else will fall into place.
An old story that puts things together, for an already too-long post:
Teacher put a box on the desk in front of the classroom.
filled it with rocks.
He asked the class, "Is the box full now?" They answered, "Yes."
He took a bag of pebbles, shook them in, and they filled spaces between the larger rocks.
Asked again, "Is the box full?" Again, everyone says "Yes."
He takes out a bag of sand, empties it into the spaces between rocks and pebbles....
Asks again, "Is it full yet?" Everyone is confused, they can see the box is packed tight.... But a few answer, "No" this time...
And the prof takes a pitcher of water, and fills the box again.... All the water goes in the spaces still remaining...
At this point, he asks if he could fit the rocks in, had he started with the sand? Of course, everyone says, "No."
The elsson, the Professor said, is to place the big, key things in life FIRST. Of course you can't add the rocks after the pebbles and sand are in the box; they won't fit. But with the rocks placed first, all the smaller things fit into place - one after the other. I took care of the big things first, so I could fit everything into the box - which represents my life. You need to follow this strategy in life: Get to the BIG things first. the little things only get tossed in at the last moment. they'll fit in somewhere - but if the important things aren't addressed first, you'll never get them placed in your life...
You've got a good time to get started, especially if you use anti-androgens NOW, before your skeleton is completely calcified. change your mind later? So you have a slighter, less "Macho" stature. Most men won't care, and women are attracted to all sorts of men. But if you don't address it ASAP, you might end up like me - 50" around the chest, some muscle, some fat - but at your thinnest, 40".... And broad enough to stick your shoulders in a 26" door frame. Can't just walk through, need to roll the shoulders... :-(
So, big decisions, baby steps, and you'll look back in a month or three, and say, "MAN, was I PATHETIC!" ;-)
BTW, a journal and photos can help with this - objective proof. :-)
Got nothing to lose by just delaying a few things (testosterone poisoning) - so go for it, and take the steps you can NOW. Worst case, you might decide you don't like it, and stay male... Best case, you find out where you want to go, how to get there, and realize the biggest details were already planned (and funded)! You'll be halfway down the road before you know it, and have an actual social life to boot!
:-) Good luck! Keep us posted, of course! :-)
