Hi, I asked my therapist some questions about hormones but it would be good to get some answers from people with experience on here?
I hope no one takes offence to the use of the word 'freak'. I certainly don't think any transgender person is a freak I'm just not the kind of person who can not care about what people think of me. I just used it to convey to the therapist how potentially bad I could feel:
There's probably a whole lot I'd ideally like to talk about before reaching this point but for the sake of time I need to jump ahead a bit and ask a few things. Despite still having doubts, ultimately I think that I am transgender. I think because of those doubts and because I've focussed more on trying to explain it, when I've seen you I've probably downplayed the actual feeling, or at least how strongly I feel it-that I want to be female. I'm embarrassed to say it because I don't look feminine in any way or outwardly appear that way but it's true. I want to be a girl so badly. I want to look like a girl physically and I want to be able to have the life of a girl. I want it more than anything and when I think that it could be possible it is literally like imagining a dream come true. I guess a lot of where my thinking goes is because I don't really think that it is possible. Because of that I put it down as this stupid fantasy in my head, but I think I'm realising that doesn't mean that it is not gender dysphoria. It is really hard to want something that can't happen this much.
I know this is a bit of a jump but again given I'm not sure how many more appointments I'll be able to have I would like to ask a few questions about hormones anyway.
Unfortunately for me I'd look like a bit of a freak on them and wouldn't have much chance of looking female. However, I've heard lot of people say that fairly early on in taking them they experience a calmness, confidence and clarity coming over them; like they experience something shifting into place mentally that feels 'right'. If all the things I mentioned previously-the suffocating feeling of being trapped in my head, the chronic insecurity and anxiety in social situations, the general fear I feel about everyday life and also the future- if those things were gone or eased by hormones then looking like a freak might actually be worth putting up with. But given that I still have some doubt about the fact that I'm transgender it seems like that would be a massive gamble to take. What I would like to ask is: Is it unrealistic to think that I could take hormones, and before experiencing irreversible physical effects, experience, or not experience as the case may be, mental changes that would let me know whether it was the right thing for me?
Despite the fact that I can't say for certain I am transgender, I also feel this complete terror and panic that I need to be doing something right now. I am at an age where I feel the physical things that can't be changed by hormones are progressing rapidly and irreversibly. I mean like I say I think for me that actually happened a long time ago but obviously the sooner the better if that is the route I decide to take. I have a feeling it might be unrealistic, and from what I've read it doesn't seem likely, but given that I'd ideally like to take as long as I need to figure this out, are there specific hormones you can take in the meantime which don't bring on drastic changes but halt masculinisation and things like hair loss? It's almost a second by second feeling of panic with that stuff because my hair for example falls out more every day.
The right option for me might not be transition. I mean I think I'd look like a freak and I can still feel happy sometimes as I am now if I try hard. But the thing is I'm completely terrified of where I could be in 5, 10 or 20 years. People seem to say gender dysphoria never goes away and only gets worse in time. When I see older transgender people who just look like old men in dresses it makes me feel awful. There is no way I want to end up like that. I mean I don't think hormones would work for me but it would be way better to look like the freak I'd look like now rather than the freak I'd look like in 20-30 years. A lot of people say the catalyst for them to transition is that it was either that or suicide. I've felt like since I was 18 I've only been on a downward journey that is irreversible. That doesn't mean I haven't been able to be happy sometimes or even a lot of the time but always knowing things were only going one way. I very much still feel that way. I don't feel suicidal but I do think about it as an idea. There was one night where I was thinking through things and for the first time I thought, 'I'm probably going to have to kill myself'. It was only that one time and I certainly didn't make any plans to do anything or have the intention of doing so in the near future, I just had the thought that it could be a solution to the way I feel. I sort of came over all calm and content which scares me a lot. So again what I'm saying is, even though taking into account how I feel right now only I'd probably still say that hormones wouldn't be the right option for me, I'm terrified of getting to that point in 10 or 20 years and either killing myself, which would obviously be bad, or of looking even worse than I think I'd look now.
