The voices told me...

I had a "fascination" with beautiful women from the time I was very little (4 or 5)...I was just so enamored by them and how they talked, how they walked, what they wore...  And, I always got butterflies in my stomach whenever I read or saw in TV/movies anything transformative (when one person transforms or becomes someone else), whether it be a superhero, in a sci-fi movie, someone wearing a disguise, whatever.  I used have a Play-Doh set where you could mold different figures, and I would aimlessly transform them from male to female and back again.  However, my weird feelings were vague at the time, and while I wasn't into sports or trucks, I never played with dolls (well, I played with a lot of action figures...) or wanted to wear dresses, either.  I think the "epiphany" happened when I was around 10 and saw the movie "Annie", and everything finally came together and I realized that I wanted to be her.  From then on out, it was all I could think about.  Of course, like most things in my life, it didn't quite work out the way I intended...   

As early as 4, maybe 5yo, I was wearing my mom's big winter boots with the rabbit fur linings.  Soon I found her pantyhose and raided her wardrobe and makeup often.  By the time puberty hit at the age of 12-13, a dark cloud above entered into my life.  Age of 25 God cured my crossdressing.  Yay!  I knew I was blessed by that no doubt! Yet the GD went underground and went away.  The last few years it came on heavy and this past few months had my fork-in-the-road moment.   

When I was younger, even these days, I'm in awe of great makeup, excellent hairstyles, fashion, shoes, boots, purses, jewelry, etc. 

Suspected that possibility since I was a kid. 

Didn't know absolutely 100% for sure that I was transsexual material until I took HRT and felt awesome.

I knew I was "different" when I was 4 years old. I learned to utterly fear & hide that difference when I was 5 and an adult threatened to murder me, cut me into tiny pieces so I would never be found for playing house with his daughter. That scar cut deeeeeeeeeep for many years. Then around 13 I learned what transgender was from a woman's magazine and suddenly my whole world came crashing down as I finally knew why I felt the way I did and then at the same time I was so scared to even admit I was trans because the person's life in the magazine became so bad in the USA that they had to leave the country to transition. So I spent the next 16 years trying my hardest to be someone I wasn't until I almost gave up and checked out of this world but luckily I survived and have had a very successful work & social transition. Only my immediate family is still struggling with me being trans and making things very difficult sadly.

Dressed in female clothes at every opportunity. My mom caught me a few times. Earliest was 4 when I tried on her pantyhose. Latest before I came out was a few months ago.

Dressed with the help of some of my relatives (cousins/aunts) they said I looked good as a girl. I was over the moon.

Frequently viewed myself in the female context in life.

Posed like a girl in family pics.

Was extremely miserable during puberty.

Viewed cis girls with envy.

Viewed transsexuals with awe. When I first heard the words "sex change" I was extremely intrigued. But I never thought I would do it myself. Societal shaming was strong.

Fast forward to my adult life. Self medicated HRT for a couple months. The world completely lit up and I felt peace for the first time in my life. I don't condone self medication but it was an awakening.

There is a lot more but it wasn't just one event. What made it click though was finally getting enough E in my system to feel what it is like and I loved it.

Putting it all together took way too long for me and I really should have known earlier as i was out as queer/bi most of my adult life.  Similar to to so many of us I was only sure of one thing and that was who I looked like was not who I am.  I felt completely alone, weird and alienated.  No one I knew felt like I did.  Later I met trans people but they were content to be mostly closeted crossdressers or totally binary with no middle ground.

Two years ago I attended a diversity presentation about transgender people with the person presenting as non or agender.  The rest came very quickly and with real certainty that the only clear path for me was to be myself.

I didn't. And still don't.

All I know is that I'm me. And the me that I feel isn't the me that I see. That's all I know. And... well, that's enough.

For me all the clues were there for as long as I could remember. After years of trying to ignore/overcome my feelings I decided to start researching what was wrong with me. After finding many accounts of transgender people who's experiences seemed very similar to mine I concluded that I was likely trans.

After my last few weeks of gender therapy with a good therapist who seems to ask all the right questions, and a lot of introspection I'm 99% sure that I'm transgender. I doubt I'll ever be 100% sure, but labels don't really matter, all that matters is that I do what I need to do make myself happy

Found an easier answer! I didn't knew I was trans until people started calling my identity that. Yup.. that sums it up o.o.

talking to a long time friend (that originally thaught i was a girl online) about how much i hated being a guy and how i was wishing i were actually a girl and how long id been thinking like that, and she sent me a link to wikipedia on transgender.

When I was 14 one of the older boys at school rode past on his BSA motorbike with his girlfriend on the back.My friend wanted to be the boy on the bike,I wanted to be the girl

Only yesterday did I realize that I'm pretty comfortable identifying as trans, though I'm not sure I'd be so quick to label myself as FtM, giving it some more time. I'm just going to go along with what feels right, and that seems to be changing by the hour these days. Sometimes I think I should still think some more before "deciding" that I'm trans, but it just makes me so happy when I think of myself this way that I sometimes feel it must be real.

I suppose the realization hit me about two months ago, it's just taken this long for me to be able to articulate it and then come to terms with it and accept it. I was having an argument with my mom about how I refuse to dress in a feminine way, and while she was going on and on, my brain was thinking "this isn't me, now I know why I don't care about how I dress, it's because this isn't me." And that's how it all started. Since then it's been a lot of thinking, going over memories and seeing everything just fall into place and make much more sense in light of this revelation.

Still trying to figure things out, but if I'm absolutely sure of one thing at least, it's that I hate being called a woman and that I can never call myself one or think of myself as a woman. I suppose that makes me trans.

A handful of female friends dressing me up as a girl and teaching me how to keep my vagina clean, pretty much sealed the deal.

I should also add that half of my sexual fantasies either IRL or with porn were me as the girl on the receiving end. I actually felt better about that than I did about me being on the "giving" end.

I have always struggled with being a girl, starting right as a child.  However, it wasn't until recently that the light bulb went off - that maybe there is a reason that I feel the way that I do.   When I found this forum - I realized how many people there were that felt just like I did.   When I sleep at night, In my dreams for as long as I can remember I am male - even as a child I always dreamed I was a boy.  As an adult, I identify sexually with the male role as opposed to the female role, and I am attracted to men.


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It was a long process, and it went in stages. I remember discovering that I really liked girl things and could care less about most boy things when my sister and I started receiving different/gendered presents. As soon as I entered primary school, I remember easily getting girl friends, while finding boys in general to be scary, boring and often stupid. I didn't refuse to play with boys, but I never did so on my own initiative. I also remember what I now recognize as genital dysphoria from the moment I realized genitals were different.

I didn't however identify as a girl as a child, simply because I was told in school and elsewhere that girls have girl parts and boys have boy parts. I always took instruction literally, so hence I was a boy. I just hated being one, and increasingly so. I finally realized what I am when I read an article about transitioning in my early/mid teens, but I also realized from how people spoke about it that I should keep my wish to myself, and I repressed it, badly enough that I was not consciously aware of it for more than one and a half decade. I did everything to become more masculine, up to a point where my high school classmates nicknamed me G.I. Jane. I wish I had taken the hint back then...

It all started coming back around three years ago, when I found myself reading about trans* increasingly often, while gradually becoming more dysphoric, because of increased body- and facial hair and other changes. I still however managed to convince myself that it was only that I didn't like growing older, and things like that. It ended with complete collapse around a year ago, which forced the final realization. Since then, I've also had many memories coming back, and life makes a lot more sense.

I never knew that I was transgender until after I came out as a cross dresser. Aside from always feeling that I was different, I never had an inkling. Then one day at age 56, I got the urge to try on my spouse's skirt. That set the wheels into motion which I couldn't stop. A short time after coming out as a CD, I felt that my feelings ran deeper than clothing. After further research I saw the word 'transgender'. Right then it clicked for me.

I "knew" when little that I wanted to be more like the girls than the boys.  As a young teen I knew I wanted to be a girl.  But then figured it was a phase or I was strange so buried it all.  So I know now because the feelings refuse to "go away" and now they are stronger than ever.   When I look in the mirror I see Sarah....

I didn't even know the meaning of teh word (or the word!) for quite some time.
AOL's "The Gazebo" was the first place I really learned anything....

For me, it was odd little quirks. LOTS of odd quirks.
For example, at the pool, about...  7, 8 maybe? I envied the girls their sleek forms. I was embarassed by my body - notably, that certain parts "stuck out" in a wet swim suit.
In grade school, I carried my books up against my chest, like a girl. Just imprinted on it. No boobs to protect, but... 
Liked nail polish, too.

I liked and like form-fitting clothes (not that I can wear them at this time - third time I need to lose the weight. Being a computer geek sucks.) Of course, a guy who wears tight clothes (even if he grew up in the 80s) is gay. (BS, of course, but anyway...) 
But girls? Most of the wardrobe is meant to accentuate their figure. Show more here, exaggerate there, make mountains out of molehills, emphasize the cleavage, the hips, hide the shoulders (anyone else remember shoulder pads? ;-)  ), draw attention to "the goods."
Man advertises by the cost of his suit - but no one really can eyeball the difference between well-fitted "off the rack" and hand-taiored Parisian suits.
Even _I_ can tell the difference between Walmart, K-Mart, JCPennys, Macys, and Gucci or Chanel or Kors or Yves St. Laurent.
IN ORDER, mind, and I'm genetic male, and don't really pay attention to style! it all goes to how well "put together" she is. Whereas....  A suit is a suit is a suit, unless it's a sub-par OTR without any tailoring. (In which case, you look like a low-grade detective in a cop flick, or a Secret Service "tool".) 

IE, you can tell "walmart" from Brooks Brothers or Men's Wearhouse. but harder to distinguish between Mens' Wearhouse and Brooks Brothers. 

Back on topic:
I never cared about "girls" the same way the other guys seemed to.
More nurturing, a lot less dominating.
Wanting to be cultured, softer, genteel - never cared for the rough-and-tumble of the boys. King of the hill? OK. rugby/football? No thanks. Even king of the hill was an infrequent thing...

Wanted to look like the girls, get close to them, and then "get closer", sure - but it wasn't a "Bend her over" sort of thing, pardon the bluntness. More of a seduction, lots of emotion, cuddling, touching.

Puberty came a little late but hit like a <CENSORED> hammer on an anvil, repeatedly. Still wanted women, disliked how my body was developing - hair in places I didn't want, for example - but weird blending, too. I liked having a goatee - maybe to hide who I am? Others have commented on the same....   young guys in "command" positions frequently grow facial hair as a mask, but also as "authority" mask. So, it hides facial expressions and tics a bit, but also makes them look older and more capable. Probably rooted in barabarian times (Romans shaved, for example. Barbarians did not...)
I didn't want hair on my legs, though...  Nor arms.
Didn't want the mass - though I LOVED the strength. (As an aside: I was the one they picked on in grade school. They = EVERYONE. Came out without a testicle...  God I hated Catholic Parochial School. And "without" means ruptured, actual condition unknown. but it's "unwound" if you'll forgive the descriptiveness....)

I could talk with the girls without any issues. Was always called Mature for my age. (then I found that "being mature" meant being everyone's draught horse/mule/sherpa.)

I could compartmentalize my brain - something women are "famous" for, as in multi-tasking. Able to run three conversations at once with different people. Not miss a beat.

Wanted boobs since.... Well, I HAD boobs since. (no typo)  I was chesty as a pre-pubescent boy, had girlish "tits" - but no tissue at the time, just fat. It must've been aparrent to all, though (I wasn't skinny since...  3rd grade?) - I came in in a V-neck undershirt one day and the boys said I was wearing a bra.  Had to prove I wasnt.

If they only knew I had already been wearing bras for years! Just - I already knew (Irish-Italian Roman Catholic indoctrination) it was "wrong." So I learned to suppress things early on, and learned to hide who and what I was.  so successfull that now I don't even know who I am! 

But hopefully I'll figure that out soon. At 39, I'm not about to let this fester any more. Holding the body in rigid postures? Proving myself every day? What's the point? No fun, no relaxation, just an endless task list of "NEXT!"...  EFF THAT.

I won't mess upt he board with a rant, but: It's worth it to check out the PUA sites as well, especially Roissy in D.C. (IIRC, now it's citizen renegade, but Roissy will still get you th blog.) Just check out the rules...    And to note (as a final "reason") - I'VE SEEN AND DONE THIS. I KNOW how it works from trial and error - and from being on the (unintended) RECEIVING side. Just as an OBSERVER. I KNEW the guys talking were FULL OF IT, as they chatted up our other co-worker.... I worked with all of them, SAME DEPARTMENT. for 6 years at that time.
BUT IT WAS HAVING THE DESIRED EFFECT ON ME - And I'm not attracted to men! 

So...  :-P 
Yeah, maybe I need to get into therapy and start peeling the mask away.  Or maybe just make a decision, and force things that don't QUITE fit to conform, until I can sort it all out.