This has possibly been discussed many, many times, so apologies if I am going over old ground. Lately I am very much struggling with what feels like very quick phase dysphoria fluctuation. This seems to cycle sometimes as quickly as within hours, and goes from "I really must come out and head toward transition" to "perhaps I can just continue on in the closet as I have for so, so long". I don't know what this means, I can go from depressed and angry to essentially bearable within hours. Has anyone else felt this, and have any insights.

I visited a counsellor to discuss my dysphoria this earlier this week, and she feels it is genuinely at a genetic level (and I know it is, I have strongly identified as feminine since I was very young, just never outwardly showed it - it just wasn't acceptable) however I just don't understand the on and off nature of this dysphoria lately??

Sorry, I know this isn't very eloquently written however I am struggling to express this in words....which is unusual for me.

Hi Sarah, hugs

This is a  support site and we all have bin through what you expressed (and did so very well). We are family and are here to help each other through a difficult birth defect.

A gender therapist is the best place to help sort out your thoughts and what you want to do. Dysphoria only gets worse in time. When I was pre HRT (and now) I find exercise helps, eating healthy and a healthy life style helps. Staying sober and clean helps. If it is the right thing for you HRT helps greatly. Also, expressing how you feel in a safe place helps.

I'm having the same roller coaster right now. And I even go as far as "Is this really what I want?"  But I'm 99% sure this is what I want. I unfortunately don't have any advice to give

I know my own dysphoria ebbs and flows just as anything else in life. There are times when it seems always buzzing in the background. Other times it's like "What dysphoria?". Stress is certainly a big trigger for it. Pile on the pressure (which, btw, was a way I used to help bury the thoughts) and eventually it not just bubbles to the top, it erupts. You just want to run away from your current life and into another one. Which sounds like a plan untill you take it to the next step of realizing most of those pressures will still be there plus a few more. Fortunately for me that step never came up until the possibility of actually transitioning for real actually became for real for me.

Ebb and lows here too though lately flowing much more.   I know when I was young had fully decided I was a girl and dreamed of changing then I think buried the feelings for so long they really ebbed.  Now I find that the feelings are crashing out with very few places to go,

my dysphoria has gotten easier to deal with since I've admitted to myself that I need to transition and will do anything to do so

Oh that dysphoria demon. It must be the hardest part of being transgender. We have all cried so many tears and hidden ourselves away because of it. We all understand Sarah what it can do to you. Dysphoria is such a blot on the beauty of transgender.
Personally, I found that my dysphoria started to ease once I accepted that I am a woman and also accepted what I could and could not change. Acceptance brought me some peace where I can live a meaningful life, albeit presenting as a man. It is never far away though and does revisit me frequently - especially when I'm under stress. I am learning to live with it.
I hope this helps.

I'm still having trouble figuring out what dysphoria is and whether I can even consider my feelings dysphoria. They just don't seem nearly as strong as some of the people here feel about their bodies.

But I do completely get this roller coaster thing, I wake up one morning feeling like I'm completely ready to start transitioning, later in the day I might start wondering whether I'm just exaggerating and overreacting and that I can probably continue living the way I am normally. Later I might be thinking about wanting to get on testosterone ASAP. Sometimes I wonder whether I'm trying to "make" myself trans, and then I tell myself that that makes no sense. And the circle goes on. I feel over the moon when I'm feeling like I want to transition, when I'm feeling like a guy, and then other times (right now) I'm just feeling neutral about everything.

I just want myself to settle down on something because although my feelings are tending towards FtM more by the day, how I feel about everything is constantly changing and it's pretty annoying. I've been keeping a journal for mainly this reason I think, so the way I feel at a certain time won't overshadow what I felt earlier in the day or week.

I have to say though, I've been feeling much better in a general sense since I started figuring all this out. I'm optimistic that things will eventually fall in place.

Is anyone ever 100% glad they were tagged to be transgender?

I think the number of people on planet earth who were overjoyed at realizing they were TG is exactly zero.

So even those that are 100% sure they are going the proper direction of transition started  by not wanting to be TG. 

Everyone doubts, everyone has some level  of dysphoria at certain times.  Yet at other times life seems to be fine.

I try to look at the positive aspects of transition and it's blessings so far,  it's too easy to dwell on the things I don't like because there's a long list of them 

Thank you everyone for your replies.....it seems my highs and lows are not mine alone.

Wow Darkblade, your thoughts and feelings are amazingly parallel to how I feel....except my feelings are M to F. I am on an upward cycle at present with low feelings of dysphoria (have been most of this week) so I am enjoying the peace.

I completely understand your feelings of thinking you are "making" yourself trans.....I guess we are not meant to understand it, we are just meant to roll with it.

Thanks again everyone, your support makes my darker days much brighter....

absolutely yes. I have times I'm feeling totally fine, even wondering if anything really needs to change... I've started to realise though, that comes when I'm just being me. Then I'll catch myself giggling with that chipmunk laugh that I hate, or notice my chest when I'm chilling at night after my binder's off, or the dreaded period comes... and I'm reminded of why I'm going through this. All those outward things that just don't show the world who I really am. Anything can trigger it, and the more I accept and the more people I tell, the more I start to notice the discrepancies and the lows get lower... but the highs when they come are higher. I catch my reflection on a day when I feel like I've nailed getting past the androgenous line and into maaaaybe almost passing. Or maybe I'm sitting with my thoughts and instead of my body I can tune to my mind, my acceptance... and feel whole. And those ever-higher highs tell me I'm on the right path.

Quote from: PucksWaywardSon on November 29, 2014, 04:57:49 AM
absolutely yes. I have times I'm feeling totally fine, even wondering if anything really needs to change... I've started to realise though, that comes when I'm just being me. Then I'll catch myself giggling with that chipmunk laugh that I hate, or notice my chest when I'm chilling at night after my binder's off, or the dreaded period comes... and I'm reminded of why I'm going through this. All those outward things that just don't show the world who I really am. Anything can trigger it, and the more I accept and the more people I tell, the more I start to notice the discrepancies and the lows get lower... but the highs when they come are higher. I catch my reflection on a day when I feel like I've nailed getting past the androgenous line and into maaaaybe almost passing. Or maybe I'm sitting with my thoughts and instead of my body I can tune to my mind, my acceptance... and feel whole. And those ever-higher highs tell me I'm on the right path.

I guess I feel exactly the same way. When I question myself or why I'm trying to do this, when I feel like I'm just overreacting and I can probably continue to live like this, I remind myself of why I got thinking about this in the first place. About how although I'm feeling fine right now, it's probably because I block out most of my feelings anyways. I think about how I've never felt happier wearing something than I've been dressed as a guy, about how alien I feel in a dress. The lows make me believe that it's real, because I rarely ever feel this low, and never this often. The highs make me feel like this is the right path for me. This doesn't mean I don't question why I'm even thinking about this sometimes, doesn't mean I don't wonder whether I'm out of my mind at times, but the emotions I've been feeling can't be fake. I trust my emotional reactions, they're how I know this isn't just a product of my imagination.

All sounds totally natural to me. I've certainly been told by my shrink and the handful of transfolk I know in person that it'd be more of a red flag if I *wasn't* still asking those questions. My shrink's described gender transition as the biggest thing he knows of to help people through, and particuarly for people coming to the realisation later in life, or without positive support from friends and family, those little "are you SURE?!" voices come from a very real place of wanting to protect yourself from whatever the worst-case scenario is. Eventually the balance point is found where the worst case scenario is NOT going through with it... and that is when it becomes need-not-want... Partly this comes from what I've heard/read but increasingly it's because that point is starting to come into focus for me. Obviously how long that point takes to reach varies for everyone and again, the support I've had from those who've been through it themselves tell me this is natural, and often it doesn't entirely go away. That's good though, it means you're still looking after yourself and taking in the whole picture.

I mean, it still SUCKS. But there's reason and logic, and nothing wrong.

I exactly know what you mean.

Never heard a good explanation, but I think it is the mind trying to cope with what is happening. After all it is a kind of shock to the system, to finally realize that you are trans or was supposed to be the other gender you thought or others thought you were. It also seems to go through the same stages of grief: Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance. The bargaining is what I did in the beginning: It fluctuated very much, and then I went into depression. I am now in the acceptance stage.