for those of you who don't know me, I'm Sam. I'm 25, in grad school, I have twin boys who are 5.
I've struggled with gender identity since I was 4. I've recently turned a huge corner in my life and have accepted who I really am.
I came out to my best friend, brother, and mom when I was 16. My best friend was supportive, my brother and my mom didn't take it seriously. I suppressed everything for a long time (ended up getting pregnant at 19, had my boys at 20) I've been really struggling the past few years but this fall has been a huge change for me. I came back out to my best friend, who knows I've been struggling with trying to suppress everything. I came out to my mom and my brother again.
My mom gets angry about it and doesn't really take it seriously. She won't have a conversation with me about it without getting angry because I think it scares and upsets her which I understand. I kind of feel like she won't ever really support it but she won't stop talking to me.
My brother is a right winged block head who has to be right about everything. I love him very much of course but I asked him "will you support me" and he straight away said "no because it goes against my beliefs" and it hurts so much. I understand he has his set of beliefs but what hurts is that he won't take time to reflect on it. Granted, I just spoke to him about it like two days ago so he might grow over time but it really scares me that he won't even try to open his mind at all. it scares me so much that I will lose him and his kids. (ryan 7, keke 4, and cece 2, they are a huge part of my life and I love them like my own)
After leaving my moms house tonight just having had a heated discussion about gay rights with my brother I was beginning to feel very alone and scared that no one will support me, so I sent my best friend a text and asked if she will support me and she said she doesn't know because it's confusing to her (understandable) but she said that she thinks its more than just being transgendered and I have a lot to work out (she doesn't understand how much I HAVE worked out with myself lately) she said it isn't her place to say what is right and what isn't and it scared me so much to hear her say that because I just wanted her to say i support you and I'll always be here but she didn't say that right away and that hurts. but I explained to her that it's different this time and I have a plan that if I go through with it it will be over a period of several years because I don't want to make any rash decisions impulsively, it has to be done right and carefully. I told her that I won't rush into anything because I want to be rational about it but I'm pretty sure I will end up going through with it. She said she supports me being happy and she will always be my best friend. so that was good news that she said that but then I sent her a long text about how its important that I have her support and I care what she thinks and she's my best friend and I don't want her to not want to be my best friend anymore and such and such, but she never replied and it just all scares me and I feel so incredibly alone right now.
It made me so grateful to have my kids because I feel like they'll be the only ones that will love me unconditionally through this. I haven't attempted talking to them about it yet, that will he handled later with their therapists (they lost my dad 18 months ago who they were close with, and their biological dad started coming around but quit so they are in therapy to help them deal with that stuff plus mood disorders run in our family so I want them to have coping skills)
Kind words and thoughts are appreciated tonight. also, if anyone knows of any good resources like webpages that might help me help my friends and family deal that would be great, thanks everyone.
