In the past couple months, i took many steps toward transitioning. i came out to myself and a few others, purchased some women's clothing and makeup (foundation and concealer, which i barely know how to use), went to a pflag meeting and trans support group meeting, cross-dressed in ordinary public twice (not including the gay bar i visit). I'm still feeling very stuck though, I don't feel like i have the opportunity to talk to other trans women in person very often (the support groups don't have that many meetings), i don't have someone to teach me female mannerisms and how to makeup in a tasteful way, i don't have a gender therapist yet, my facial hair and male body hair fills me with absolute disgust but i haven't been able to anything yet to get it removed, the hair on my head is still way too short and male-ish, i still weigh far too much (160 at 5'10), my male voice also makes me very dysphoric, i'm still extremely frightened to come out to my family but can't stand living in the closet either, had my first cutting incident, and the thought of hormones, ffs, breast implants, and srs seems like an almost impossible dream. i'm not sure where to go from here.

Hi Rachel,

Yes, it is a long way to go. and the mots terrible thing is that you don't have anyone who can talk to in person.

I have been facing the same problem. When I saw a trans on the street, sometime I want to introduce myself and ask her for friendship but it looks weir. Anyway, internet is a great source of information. I use youtube, and google search until I found this forum.

youtube is a great channel. it is only that you have to be patient waiting for people talking. I found many videos very educational.

What important is that you need to practice all the manners such as voice and gesture. I am keeping on practicing these days.

Hugs,

Today was kind interesting for me. this morning did not start very well for me, I felt awful about my appearance from the moment i had to look in the mirror and didn't even have time to shave twice and put on makeup to cover up my horrible 5 o'clock shadow. I put on a mix male and female clothing (tight fitting women's jeans, a low cut tight-fitting t-shirt which I wore under a male button-up shirt with male shoes) and felt a little better but still felt disgusted by voice and facial hair and over all maleness. I went shopping for a couple accessories at a craft store, at check-out I think there was  another trans woman i line (i'm not sure and i am aware that clocking is horribly rude, but sometimes i feel desperate to see if any one is like me and don't do it because i want to judge anyone) we ended up quickly making eye contact and smiling at each other and then looking away. If she was trans, I think she was smart enough to know that I was wearing some articles of women's clothing and that if someone with a male body is shopping there alone and actually shows interest in stereotypical feminine things, that there is more than a remote chance they are either gay or are not really male. Also, I avoided using men's restrooms which was a good thing because I feel weird or panicky when I have to use a men's room, but it can be really difficult to find gender-neutral bathrooms in Fort Wayne. BTW, it wasn't all bad, I got supplies to put together clip-on chamsa earrings (maybe a little immature, but i'm not quite ready to pierce quite yet), and a butterfly clip for scarves. Another good thing was that even if i had a nasty episode of gender dysphoria today, I was still able to stay out of the "black hole"

Thank you for sharing Rachel.

Your story is similar to me. Last night, I went out at night after spend 2 hours on make up and clothes, was nervous to be looked like a man in a dress.
I only go to a gas station just to show off to the cashier. We had eye-contact and a little smile. When people do that, there are 2 reasons. 1. She at first thought that I am a woman, and after seeing my face, she realized that I am TG (I almost win in this case). 2. She think that I look funny but just smiled instead of laughing (I lose in this case).

Anyway, I am learning to just don't care.

Hugs.
Jemina