So, my mom apparently found this place. I wasn't hoping she'd find it in some roundabout "coming out without actually coming out" way. I had left the page open on my phone and she got ahold of it and saw my "searches" for testosterone. She asked me and I told her I was looking into therapy to figure myself out. I guess I should've just flat out said "Yes, I'm going to look into becoming a man." because she was very much upset. Like I kicked her kitten kind of upset except no yelling/violence. She refused to talk to me or even look at me. I didn't/haven't broached the issue again because I'm letting her process it but I know it's REALLY bothering her. I feel a lot of guilt especially since she found out this way. She and my grandmother are the only members of my family that I'm still connected to and it's hurting me that I might lose that. That's not to say I'll back down for their/her sake but it hurts.

I also think she blames my wife and that she is the reason for me wanting to transition. She hasn't outright said this but I know her and she'd be quick to place "blame" on someone else. Given the fact she's not completely fond of my wife, she seems the most likely target for her displeasure. This might actually be the final nail in the coffin for my relationship with my mother but I guess it's just as well. I and my wife don't need those kind of people in our lives but I will need time to grieve that fact. I'm not sure what exactly to do really. I've backed off and I'm giving her space but it really sucks.

So what now? Did you guys/girls ever repair or salvage a relationship with someone that didn't respond positively but not very negatively either? Just kinda disappointed?

Hugs Wolfduality.

Your Mom is in shock and it may take time for her to process the information.  You have had an emotional shock too so let some time help settle things a bit. It may help if you were able to get her some literature. Also, when the time is right explaining the pain you have endured and that it is a birth defect, beyond anyone control or blame, however, it is correctable.

Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on November 30, 2014, 11:00:24 AM
Hugs Wolfduality.

Your Mom is in shock and it may take time for her to process the information.  You have had an emotional shock too so let some time help settle things a bit. It may help if you were able to get her some literature. Also, when the time is right explaining the pain you have endured and that it is a birth defect, beyond anyone control or blame, however, it is correctable.

She's been semi-aware that I'm unsure of my gender (I've kept her in the dark for good reason) but the fact she saw that I was looking into testosterone must've been the wake up that I'm considering something very seriously. A little BG: my mom had two kids but always wanted more. She ended up having a hysterectomy very young ending her "baby-making career". The two kids are my brother and I. (Meaning she got her boy and "girl".) So the fact she's losing her ONLY daughter is upsetting her immensely but I was never the girly-girl she wished me to be. I would think the fact she has two grandchildren through me would pacify her somewhat but I was wrong. I know she's going through a lot but it hurts the look of disgust she gave me when she asked me why I wanted to be a man.

I will still consider literature but I'm not sure how willing she'll be even a few years down the road.

Nails and coffins is a bit of an early conclusion. You never know, she might accept it well after a while. Being semi-aware something is up is very different from knowing what is.

Quote from: Seras on November 30, 2014, 12:58:31 PM
Nails and coffins is a bit of an early conclusion. You never know, she might accept it well after a while. Being semi-aware something is up is very different from knowing what is.

Dramatic? Maybe so but she's been very against anything that breaks her idea of "normal". She's made it clear she doesn't like: non-Christians, gay/lesbian people that openly date/talk about it, crossdressers, or "weird" people. She never says this to these people in front of them but in the privacy of her close family/friends, she's vocal of her disapproval. When DW came out to her, it wasn't pleasent. She urged divorce because "think of the kids!" and "what will people think?!" It may be different since it's me (her flesh and blood) but I'm not holding my breath.

That sucks that it's going like that for you. I really hate when people pull the old "what will other people think?" card. That is one of the most toxic ideas to ever enter people's minds. What other people think doesn't matter one bit. You do what makes you happy.

She is your mother, of course she is upset you are looking into transitioning without even telling her. That isn't just realizing you are serious but also that you are making plans without her knowing.

People say a lot in a private circle but when someone really close to them becomes a 'problem', often a conclusion or opinion changes. You are still her child. If I had to place myself in her shoes I would be upset as well, if I would read you put it out here you don't need such person in your life without even knowing her opinion and to not trust her enough to look up how to get testosterone behind her back. I understand where you are coming from, but understand her as well.

Big hug! Obviously, she is going to need time to process it. You may have saved yourself the whole hand-wringing-how-do-I-come-out part if you want to look at the bright side.

Hugs, Devlyn

I can relate when it comes to your mothers idea of "normal" as all of my family has the same standard.  They have always tried to make me fit their "standard". Rather than caring about my own opinion, and they have a whole community to back up their own standard.

As I live in a rural Bible Belt area (Tennessee) I can't be open to anyone hardly (even at my school.)
But if you need someone to vent towards about it feel free to send it my way. Lol (some reason people say I'm easy to vent towards.) lol

But all in all I hope your mother comes around.

Quote from: Kirey on November 30, 2014, 02:39:48 PM
She is your mother, of course she is upset you are looking into transitioning without even telling her. That isn't just realizing you are serious but also that you are making plans without her knowing.

People say a lot in a private circle but when someone really close to them becomes a 'problem', often a conclusion or opinion changes. You are still her child. If I had to place myself in her shoes I would be upset as well, if I would read you put it out here you don't need such person in your life without even knowing her opinion and to not trust her enough to look up how to get testosterone behind her back. I understand where you are coming from, but understand her as well.

Though I can see your point overall, I'm 22 so not exactly a fledgling that must tell my parents when things happen. I wanted to wait until I talked to a therapist and work through my issues so I could tell her with certainty. I didn't want to be stuck going "kinda/sorta/maybe/possibly" all through "THE talk" and give her the wrong impression. I know that I did that with this accidental outing but it was more on her terms than mine so I just floundered from being put on the spot.

I've taken cues from her though and haven't brought it up again. I'm not going to stonewall her should she ask but I will do things to my comfort level. I'm just as "unsettled" right now from this and I'm kinda upset with her looking at my stuff even if my phone was right there.

I recently got outted to one of my friends. It really sucks when you lose control of whether or not certain people know. I also come from a family that is very vocal about their belief that anything that isn't straight is bad, so I get why you didn't want to come out to her.

You never know how people are going to react down the road. what people from my support group have told me is that sometimes people that have the worst initial reaction end up being the most supportive down the road and vice versa. everyone around you needs time to understand that you are for real, that it doesn't change who you are, and that you are transitioning because you need it.

moms just in shock if she loves you which im sure she does shell come around when i came out my mom kicked me out months later she texts me saying she loves me. parents usually always come around

This is why I'm glad I live alone.

I feel for your situation Wolf, and echo their sentiments, family is a tricky thing. They've known you all your life as one gender, and for you to step outside of that ruins their perfect little world. Not your fault in the least, but it's gonna take time before they will see you as who YOU identify to be. Some things will take years, others will take days or weeks, and some things may not be fully understood ever by some people.

Blessings and well wishes as you walk your path.

Quote from: wolfduality on November 30, 2014, 04:40:00 PM
I wanted to wait until I talked to a therapist and work through my issues so I could tell her with certainty. I didn't want to be stuck going "kinda/sorta/maybe/possibly" all through "THE talk" and give her the wrong impression. I know that I did that with this accidental outing but it was more on her terms than mine so I just floundered from being put on the spot.

I've taken cues from her though and haven't brought it up again. I'm not going to stonewall her should she ask but I will do things to my comfort level. I'm just as "unsettled" right now from this and I'm kinda upset with her looking at my stuff even if my phone was right there.

Maybe you don't realise is that this could be a blessing in disguise. I had to wonder for YEARS how I'd break the ice to my mother, so you can mark that box off now.

My advice:
1-In my experience do NOT presume to know how people will respond. Sure, you might be able to take a stab at their initial reaction, before they really process it all, but people are complex and your Mum's had an entire life of experiences without you. Right now she is thinking, and probably grieving some of her pre-conceived notions for your life. That's HARD!  People have surprised me so many times. You should give her the benefit of the doubt here.

2- Ok good you're 22, so be an adult and go talk to her. If she says not now, then say okay you understand and that you will try later. If she can't be an adult, don't yell just tell her you will talk once she can be civil.

Just be honest, and be patient with her. Give her that time to evolve!

Quote from: MiaOhMya! on November 30, 2014, 06:17:58 PM
Maybe you don't realise is that this could be a blessing in disguise. I had to wonder for YEARS how I'd break the ice to my mother, so you can mark that box off now.

My advice:
1-In my experience do NOT presume to know how people will respond. Sure, you might be able to take a stab at their initial reaction, before they really process it all, but people are complex and your Mum's had an entire life of experiences without you. Right now she is thinking, and probably grieving some of her pre-conceived notions for your life. That's HARD!  People have surprised me so many times. You should give her the benefit of the doubt here.

2- Ok good you're 22, so be an adult and go talk to her. If she says not now, then say okay you understand and that you will try later. If she can't be an adult, don't yell just tell her you will talk once she can be civil.

Just be honest, and be patient with her. Give her that time to evolve!

I'm hoping everyone is right though and that she's just processing it right now. She's still my mom and I love her like I can but I do fear, given her subtle commentary to DW, she will blame DW. Even if she accepts this for what it is, would it be genuine if she assumes I'm changing just to continue to be with my wife? Again I know this is very much "putting the cart before the horse" but it's not far fetched. I just need to take a deep breath though and just quit getting so anxious.

I'm giving her a day though to process things before approaching it again. If she's not in the mood, I'll wait again.