Some background (and I'm sorry it's so long, it just feels good to actually address all of this):
I'm designated female at birth. As a kid I often used to wish that I would wake up as a boy. In my daydreams, I was always a boy; on the internet (Neopets back then
) I always posed as a boy. I went through a few different names for my boy self. The first one was Blake, which I now think is very silly. I thought it was super cool as a kid. The second one was Ronnie. The third one, and my longest lasting, was Trainer, which now holds a special place in my heart but is not something I would ever seriously call myself.
The thing is, I always wished that I was *born* a boy, but I never thought it was an option to become one. I thought I was just dealt a bad hand and I had to live with it. So the boy identity stayed in my head and online, and in real life I was female.
I cut my hair very short in fifth grade, and I loved when people mistook me for a boy. That didn't happen often, though, because a lot of my clothes were clearly feminine. In 7th and 8th grade I began to realize that I was pretty unpopular and not well-liked, so I grew out my hair and got blonde highlights, started wearing girly clothes, and tried hard to fit in. I didn't hate being feminine; it was fun back then! However, it wasn't long after that when I became very depressed.
Freshman year of HS and I was wearing mostly black, lots of big, baggy band-t's, and styling my hair in all sorts of gothy freaky ways. I was extremely depressed and I had no friends; I knew that my appearance drove people away, but that was partially why I kept it up. I didn't know what was wrong with me, only that I was unhappy.
Sophomore year I cut my hair off. I felt significantly better and more confident. I kept it up with the baggy band-t's, and my mom began to get really upset at me. She would tell me I looked like a slob, a lesbian, a boy. I remember a few instances where she asked me in an accusatory tone if I wanted "to be a man", and I would cry and insist that I didn't, that I wasn't transgender, that I knew what it was but it didn't apply to me. I was pretty confused and unhappy.
Fast forward to the summer before college. I got on some anti-anxiety meds that made me feel a lot better, and I was ready to start fresh and make some friends. I didn't think I would make any friends if I kept dressing the way I was in high school (plus I didn't like a lot of the bands on my shirts anymore), so I went out and bought new clothes. Girl clothes that would help me to fit in and make friends. I cut some straight bangs across my forehead. I think I looked pretty cute and feminine. I did make friends, and I love them all so much.
Now I'm a sophomore in college. Toward the end of last year I tried to avoid wearing my girl clothes, and I wore them off and on over the summer. Whenever I'm in them, I feel awkward and wrong. I hate my boobs, and I started binding this year only to realize that it makes me feel much more emotionally comfortable. I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately (as well as internet searching) and I'm coming to the conclusion that I might not be a girl after all. That might've been my problem this entire time. I'm planning to go thrifting soon to build a more male wardrobe.
That's my story thus far. My parents are kind of conservative and I don't know if they would believe/understand this, or take it seriously. My mom thinks that my college is crazy and that it's a bad influence in terms of encouraging people to question their genders and sexual orientations, so I have a feeling she may blame it on my school and my 'liberal friends'.
That's where I am now, and I don't pass at all. You're awesome if you got through this entire thing.
