I used to be here a while ago and left for personal reasons, but I'm back now, just created a new account. Apologise if that is against the rules. I'm Trez, by the way. A lot has changed since I was here, but nothing has really gotten better. I decided to talk to my doctor about the issues I had and she changed the type of T I am on, but unfortunately it has made things worse dysphoria wise. Oh well, that's just life ain't it? I changed from Primoteston to Reandron, and despise it, might talk to my doctor about going back on Primoteston next appointment and just take it differently, because it did more for me than this one does. Been on it for around 8 months and have seen virtually no changes at all,  which is downright depressing, and it only just gets my level in the male range, whereas Primoteston got it at the high end of the male range. I have a heap of problems because of it, anyways I'll stop being negative. Guess that's what being treated like a lab rat does to you, and being rejected by 5 surgeons isn't nice either. I really wish there was a more permanent treatment that didn't mean being reliant on having a doctor willing to pr...escribe to me for the rest of my life....... Been researching a lot about that whole switching off the gene that stops male features from developing in mice, ridiculously hoping the same may be able to be done for those of us that feel the same way as myself. For those that don't remember, I live on the Gold Coast so yeah

Hey Trez Welcome back! Sorry things have not got'n better for you and that your dysphoria has got'n worse. As for as changes....I know how depressing it is to be on T for that long and not see any changes. I virtually had no changes either at 8 months on T. I'm almost 4 years on T and I'm still not happy with my changes. I thought I would look a lot my masculine, but in my opinion, I don't.

I'm sorry about the problems your having and  I'm sorry you've been rejected by 5 surgeons, that really sucks.  I hope your able to fine one, and I hope things get better for you.

I should have been more clear, I apologise.  I've been on T since September 27th last year, just for around 8 months I've been on Reandron. Even my doctor, being as uneducated as she is said, last time I went into her that she finally feels like she is treating a male rather than an androgynous person. I was abruptly honest with her about my feelings towards such a comment and she said, like she pretty much does to everything I say, don't be so negative and dramatic, it is unattractive. What I said was that I have been dealing with dysphoria that has been getting progressively worse, ever since she started me on T, because she treated the mental illnesses I have as a threat to her and started me on some ridiculously low dose, obviously not allowed to say what but it was ridiculous, and screwed around with it by increasing it in tiny amounts whenever she saw fit, not even based on my bloodwork results and subjective experiences, and making inappropriate comments in between towards my subjective experiences, claiming that it is/was my mental illnesses that was talking and not my dysphoria and that she doesn't understand me at all. I explained to her on various occasions and did again last appointment, that the only thing T is actually doing is maintaining my social presentation and nothing more, which is of course important to me and part of managing my dysphoria, but nowhere near as much as managing my every day, needing to look at myself in the mirror type of dysphoria,  you know the kind we have on a directly personal level that at times can be absolutely debilitating,  that kind is getting worse and worse, and now even my presentation is starting to fail, as many people that see me have taken note of the lack of changes I have had, that have progressively decreased as each shot goes by, and have told me Trez that T doesn't seem to be working for you anymore. That couldn't be any more true, it isn't helping me deal with the above dysphoria at all, it is starting to fail me on my presentation as male, and my mental state is rapidly declining as a result, and that is without being told I don't need chest surgery because my chest is so tiny, and it would be dumb to get a hysterectomy because I have no medical necessity to get one besides for my own mental state and as part of the process to correct my marker on my birth certificate, which is the only thing left to be corrected. The very fact that it isn't has lead me to being publicly harrassed and punched in the face by police officers twice, for doing nothing but walking around my neighbourhood, as every time they pull me aside and ask to see ID, fair enough, they are an authority and have the right to do so, they are smart and say that the secondary ID I have and show them isn't sufficient and ask to see primary ID, which for me, mt birth certificate is the only primary ID I have. When they see that all my other ID has been legally corrected, my name has been legally changed,  but my birth certificate has not, they accuse me of identity fraud and harrass me, last time I got shoved against a brick wall and took a rather decent punch to the nose, so decent in fact that my nose bled. I was probably too generous and stupid enough to let myself be smacked in the face on another occassion before I took any action. I went to my local police station with my birth certificate and the letter that my doctor and treating psych at the time wrote on my behalf in order to get my marker corrected on all other documents, stating that I am transsexual and am undergoing the standard treatment for being such, which at this stage is testosterone replacement therapy, my name, age and all the rest necessary,  and explained the situation to the receptionist. She abruptly laughed at me, and said oh I can no longer count how many times this has occurred recently. I told her about the fact that I had been abused on multiple occasions,  which she automatically shoved off, stating it is simply a risk I must take for being the kind of person I am. I asked how do I get my identity in the clear with the police in order to not get abused any more, she said we can't update that on our system here, write a formal letter to the headquarters in Brisbane, also send a photocopy of both your nirth certificate and the letter, explaining why you are sending these documents and the situation you have faced, they may update it there but don't guarantee it, after all it isn't a police officer's job to do so. I said and abusing a member of society is? She told me to go away and do what she said, which I have, some months ago and have no clue whether the headquarters have actually updated my info, I wasn't even aware I had to do so with the police, or I would have when I did it with everything else. I told my doctor about it, she said the same thing, that getting harrassed and abused is a risk I have to take and too bad. I started seeing a new psych, has the one that cleared me to start T said he was no longer interested in seeing me again, because obviously all of this has a negative impact, I have bipolar and borderline personality disorder, they aren't being treated. I also have PTSD and social phobia, also not being treated. Saw him 3 times, and he said the same thing god knows how many psychs have said, that I have run out all the conventional medications and therapies for such mental illnesses, so it is worthless to treat me, and on my side that I should stop seeing any mental health professionals, as I don't respond to treatments anyway. And that too bad I am suffering. So I just sit in my house, or sleep all day, and ridiculously hope something that will actually help me will come, when in reality it probably never will. I hate to add to the negativity, but I am also a pensioner and my pension is most likely going to be stopped in a few weeks, because according to Centrelink, I am capable of working 20 hours a week. Maybe so, if I could actually find a job. I have been looking for years and there has been absolutely nothing. So in the end I probably won't have to feel like garbage anyways, having no money will eventually put an end to it after all......

I was hoping for advice, not ignorance. I will leave again tomorrow if I keep getting ignored........ And this time I won't come back

If you were looking for advice, it would probably help to ask a question. Or even start a thread that's an invitation for advice.  I'm new around here, so I'd bypassed your post, because it sounded like a re-introduction for people who already knew you. 

For myself, I'm not ignoring you, but I am ignorant.  It sounds like you're having a pretty crappy time of it.  But I don't know anything about resources or culture where you live, or anything about your situation beyond what you wrote in your post.  Based on what I know about the standards of care for treating trans folks, and what you've said here, your doctors don't seem to be very mainstream.  I'm sure you've tried a lot of this already-- but have you tried finding providers through trans-specific resources?  If there aren't any local, you could get recommendations from other trans folks, or even call the closest geographic providers who *are* recommended in the transgender resources, and asking if they know anybody nearer to you? 

The mental health stuff, too-- can you find somebody who has a special interest in the areas where you have problems? There are almost always more treatment options. (I know folks who've been fighting mental illness for decades and have never been on any treatment regimen for more than a couple of years-- and they're still trying new things.) But you have to have a provider who's willing to try something other than the basics, and who's familiar with your diagnoses. From what you say, I think you also are probably going to have to prioritize your mental health.  It's really hard to advocate effectively for yourself when you're having trouble with mood swings and anxiety, so I think you probably need to concentrate on getting a good mental health team together before you'll be in a position to get the best care for your gender transition.

The legal issues are especially hard.  I've got no idea what you need to do to avoid police harassment in Queensland, or how you appeal a pension decision.  You've got to have a local support structure to help you with that.  The best advice I've got for this is to find a community service organization with some good social worker types.  Those folks can work magic, and they know everybody. 

I do hope all of this gets better for you. You really are dealing with a lot of hard stuff, and you need a good IRL support system for that. 

Thanks. I did in fact have a mental health team just a few short weeks ago, however the psychiatrist said he feels that treating me is worthless, as I am pretty sure I already stated. Every other psych and therapist I have been to since has said similar things, so I am left to deal with such things on my own, which to be fair are fairly easy to self manage when my dysphoria is being managed properly.

There are no trans specific doctors where I live, but there are in Brisbane and I will speak to my current doctor about perhaps changing and going down there, as much as that would be very difficult as I have no way of getting down there that I can afford. My current doctor is supposed to be in regular contact with the doctor in Brisbane, and another up in Cairns, however she fails to do so most of the time. I have been to other GPs and asked them if they would be willing to prescribe my T to me and monitor it but they said something of no, I would like you to re do the whole psych assessment again if that was the case.

I have no friends around here, I know of a few transmen around but rarely ever see them, so I guess gathering moral support around my area is off the cards also. I have been to the group association that is usually pretty good in providing answers or solutions to trans issues,however law is law so they couldn't help with the issue of my birth certificate.  I have already filed various complaints of abuse from the police, as well as writing that letter, nothing has been done. So I'm back at square one.

Quote from: ThatAussieDude on November 29, 2014, 08:58:53 PM
. . . the psychiatrist said he feels that treating me is worthless, as I am pretty sure I already stated. Every other psych and therapist I have been to since has said similar things. . .

It made me really sad when I read that in your original post, because it's total bull->-bleeped-<-. So, either your docs aren't willing or able to treat you-- not because the treatments dont exist, but because they won't or can't use them-- or they didn't do a good job of communicating what treatments there might actually be.  It may be true that medications won't be helpful, but therapy is real treatment, too, especially if you're talking about the more specific kinds of therapy for phobias and PTSD. I'm glad if the mental health stuff is really doing OK, but I've got to say, the tone of your posts makes me wonder about that.  Your thinking is very negative-- which is not inappropriate to your situation, but is definitely not going to help you.  Living life successfully as a transsexual, especially in a community that's less than understanding, is going to require you to have a higher degree of emotional stability, self-efficacy and coping skills than most people will ever need.  Even people with no mental health challenges aside from being trans, would need either awesome social support or long-term counselling to make that work.

If you can get down to Brisbane occasionally, or even once, one way to keep your doctor on track is to see the more specialized provider from time to time. The specialist can evaluate your progress and lay out a specific plan for the next few steps, with contingencies if things don't got as expected. Then, if you can, get a copy of their recommendations for yourself, so you can work from it with your doctor back home.  This is stuff you shouldn't have to do, but "should" is unfortunately useless in these situations. 

I agree with Bran. And I understand about that who job situation...I've been looking for over 4 years and still can't find anything.

I wish you the best of luck with everything.

Thanks Bran. I appreciate it. I have tried therapies also, DBT, CBT and a few other ones specific to emotional regulation and negative thinking. I can say for sure that they may have helped, had the relationship with the therapist not been so less than. I've seen about 6 therapists for my mental illnesses. I am aware that my thinking patterns and specifically my anger problem are inhibiting my potential in the community. However for me, because I'm so introverted and couldn't really care less about being in the community and around people, its kind of hard to find a balance that makes me more sociable but keeps me comfortable. Probably seems surprising but the more I go out, the worse my thinking pattern and borderline personality get, because I can use the strategies I have created myself much more fluently and effectively at home, by myself. It just helps me to be more mindful and observant of myself. I would like to be capable of feeling positive emotions, as all I am currently capable of feeling is depressed, paranoid and angry, and that's on a good day. Most days I am completely anhedonic and numb, and no matter what I do to try and hepp myself, I stay that way.

I am hoping to go down to Brisbane, but I have to tell my doctor first, she wouldn't like it that I'm seeing someone else behind her back so to say. I think Brisbane will work better, as that doctor works in the gender clinic and from speaking to a few guys, she is mostly using informed consent, and within reasoning, lets her patients decide on their treatments depending on how they feel, rather than using the standards of care, and the wrong ones, like my doctor does. My doctor doesn't even take my bloodwork into consideration, yet alone my feelings and both my subjective experiences and the ones I have being in the community.

And I'm back to wondering why I made the effort to come back....... Seems my situations are just too negative for anyone to want to bother, and it would be better if I just not say anything anymore cause it isn't going to make a difference whether I talk or not