The evening before Thanksgiving my husband of 10 years told me that he liked to wear women's clothing. That was a shock to me since he said nothing for 10 years or even when we dated. So it has been a secret. Later I found out that he had been wearing my clothes.
We have talked about all this and what he wants and what I want. I agreed to go with him wearing items under his clothes if he wishes, but I did not want to see it. We also have a 6 year old and I did not want for our child to see it either.
He has kept this hidden from me for over 10 years. Pretty much lied to me and betrayed my trust in him.  We have built a life together over the years and have dreams for the future. He swore he wasn't going to do reassignment surgery because he has not ill feelings to his genitals and wants to preserve our bedroom relations. That was a relief. I do naturally fear that he may lie again and do something more drastic. My trust in him is completely gone. I am terrified, scared, angry, sad, lost and broken as his wife. I have cried so much in the last few days and the emotional pain has grown into physical pain. I have no one to talk to. There are no support groups that I can find and articles that I have read deal with either "embrace it all" or "leave him." I don't want to leave him and I don't want to embrace it all. He is my husband and the father of my child.  He says it isn't sexual and that it's what he feel he is. Fine. I wish that my feelings and hopes and dreams would be taken into account. This is where the trust issue is... what else will he do? What else is he hiding? I have questioned him about being gay/bi... he isn't. I have questioned him about surgery... he said he won't do it. I have asked him why he never told me... I get a million different answers. I have asked for him to find a psychologist so that we can all talk about this on neutral ground and try to compromise in this because it's my life and my son's life too.  So that's where we are currently. It is very difficult and I have never felt more alone in my life than ever.

I hope I am not intruding, but would like to explain some things. Forgive me if it upsets you.

The reason most of us hold this terrible secret (cross dressing, being trans, etc.) is because from early in life we are told it is wrong and severe punishments can be laid out. Some are forced from the home, lose jobs, well, basically lose everything. That is why it is hidden for so long. I knew I was trans since age 7 and was put through very abusive "Reparative Therapies". After that I held it all inside for 40 years less the beatings continue. None of us want to keep this secret at all, but we are compelled to by society. Please understand the feeling magnify over the years leading to many, many trans people transitioning at an older age and while married and trying to hang on to it all. It just gets to be too much. Most marriages fail when this secret is finally revealed, but the trans person has to do it or go insane. By the time it gets to this point the suffering is severe and many 41% attempt to end their lives. It is horrible to have these feelings. It is just a feeling we can't adequately describe to people. That is the trans perspective.

Now for your feelings. They are perfectly normal and I know you feel like your life is falling apart. The betrayal, hurt, anguish and embarrassment. It is something no one ever wants to go through and seems to come out of nowhere all the sudden. I would ask you to see a Therapist as well to try to figure out where to go from here. You are going through just as much if not more than your SO because your SO has known for a while and you are just getting hit with it. I do know your SO telling you was very painful. I would rather have been drawn and quartered myself. Anyway, you have a lot of decisions ahead of you and it never hurts to have someone not directly involved to help you through it. As for kids, they are amazingly resilient because they do not have pre conceived notions yet. The younger the better. In my case my 16 year old daughter left with disgust while my 15 year old son stayed and has been a pillar of support and love. He says I am a much better parent now than before. Kids will surprise you, I promise. I will give a caution here as many who have told their loved ones and started dressing most of the time do not stop, but go on to either hormones or surgery. The taste of reality after so many years of hiding are intoxicating beyond anything imaginable. I do hope you two can come to some kind of acceptance and remain together. The love that will flourish when true selves are let out is incredible. Good luck to you both.

Finally, no one will blame you if things can't work out between you two. This is quite a burden and shock. I hope you find peace with it anyway so your kids can be raised by both loving parents. It can work!

Hey Sad Panda

Welcome to Susan's Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

I would echo what Jessica has said, there is often so much cultural antipathy towards cross dressing that it is impossible to tell other people, even those closest to us, for fear of rejection. I can imagine there have been many many times your husband has wanted to tell you but has been too afraid, too ashamed to do so, at the same time the guilt at not saying anything has likely compounded significantly over the years until it reached breaking point. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Anyway, there are many significant others on this forum going through similar issues so I hope you can connect with them and hear from them. I'd certainly suggest talking about it with a therapist, for both of you and separately. Small steps are the best approach. If your husband loves you and you love your husband there is hope for a way forward. Truth and honesty and openness are a great start. I hope you can work things out.

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Cheers

Grace

I'm afraid I have to run in a minute so this will be quick, but (and you can look back through my old posts for my story/advice) I did want to say your feelings are valid and understandable. He probably lied out of fear, but that doesn't change the sense of betrayal that you have, and you shouldn't feel guilty for your reactions. There are as many ways to make this work as there are people, and you are entitled to set boundaries and have your own needs.

If it's any consolation, there ARE cross-dressers who do not go on to transition. It's entirely possible that he's a CD but not a trans person, and that he's not lying about surgery because not even all trans people want *that.*

My biggest pieces of advice to partners in your position always boil down to : don't borrow trouble (don't worry too much about the future if you can help it, the present is quite enough of a mess to be going on with right now) and your feelings are real and deserve to be respected (by him and by you) including taking care of yourself first if you have to.

Good luck, and I hope things settle down for you soon.

Quote from: SadPanda on December 02, 2014, 01:09:23 PM
The evening before Thanksgiving my husband of 10 years told me that he liked to wear women's clothing. That was a shock to me since he said nothing for 10 years or even when we dated. So it has been a secret. Later I found out that he had been wearing my clothes.
We have talked about all this and what he wants and what I want. I agreed to go with him wearing items under his clothes if he wishes, but I did not want to see it. We also have a 6 year old and I did not want for our child to see it either.
He has kept this hidden from me for over 10 years. Pretty much lied to me and betrayed my trust in him.  We have built a life together over the years and have dreams for the future. He swore he wasn't going to do reassignment surgery because he has not ill feelings to his genitals and wants to preserve our bedroom relations. That was a relief. I do naturally fear that he may lie again and do something more drastic. My trust in him is completely gone. I am terrified, scared, angry, sad, lost and broken as his wife. I have cried so much in the last few days and the emotional pain has grown into physical pain. I have no one to talk to. There are no support groups that I can find and articles that I have read deal with either "embrace it all" or "leave him." I don't want to leave him and I don't want to embrace it all. He is my husband and the father of my child.  He says it isn't sexual and that it's what he feel he is. Fine. I wish that my feelings and hopes and dreams would be taken into account. This is where the trust issue is... what else will he do? What else is he hiding? I have questioned him about being gay/bi... he isn't. I have questioned him about surgery... he said he won't do it. I have asked him why he never told me... I get a million different answers. I have asked for him to find a psychologist so that we can all talk about this on neutral ground and try to compromise in this because it's my life and my son's life too.  So that's where we are currently. It is very difficult and I have never felt more alone in my life than ever.

Panda,

Your post scares me a bit, and I'll tell you why.  Your words are echoing those that came from my wife's mouth last Spring.  She discovered that I was exploring my gender identity, and she did not handle it well.  She is now my ex, and I'll try to explain to you the path she chose that made this situation inevitable.

You see, she started out with the pain and outrage, too.  She hoped onto Susan's with a message very similar to yours.  And similarly to you, she didn't want to go with either option- staying and dealing, or cutting bait and running.  The thing is, Panda, there is no third option.  You either stay or go.  Instead, she refused to wrap her head around it; there were days when she acted as though nothing was going on, and many days in which she acted like she had just found out all over again.  The tantrums became legendary and the abuse eventually led me to the edge of suicide.  And, Panda, I'm talking about a person who I considered my best friend.  By the end, my tears brought a smile to her face every time.

So to escape that fate, you have to let go of those negative feelings in regards to your spouse.  No guilt, no shame.  No under-the-table punishments.  No snarky comments.  No change in intimacy.  Not if you are going to move forward.  If any of those things occur, then what you are doing is slowly killing your relationship.  And it will die.  And it will hurt both of you.

If, on the other hand, you want to continue in this relationship, you're going to have to let go a bit.  The first thing to let go of is the idea that he's been lying to you.  Secrets and lies are not the same thing, and what this was was a secret.  His reasons for keeping this concealed were likely due to embarrassment and fear, shame and doubt.  But he came clean to you in the end.  That shows a massive amount of trust.  Return it in kind.  Trust is so important to a relationship.  And it is a choice.  Decide now whether or not you will trust him from now on.  If you cannot or will not, walk away.

Also let go of bringing your son into the discussion.  Your husband has just as much stake in your son's well-being as you do.  It's doubtful he wants anything but the best for the boy.  So don't hurt your husband by making it out like he's some kind of danger to his own child; it's cruel.

Finally let's talk about cross-dressing.  If your husband says that's all he is, a cross-dresser, then it's possible that that's all that's happening.  Cross-dressing for some is a fetish and not an expression of internal gender identity.  It really is very possible that this is not an escalating situation.  Consider that.

In the end, therapy can help this situation.  A therapist for you, first and foremost, to help you deal with all your emotions, a therapist for him to sort out any confusion he may be experiencing, and a therapist for the two of you, to rebuild things if that is what you decide to do.

One day at a time, Panda.  And be sure to live in reality, not the scary realm of "what if."

Good luck,
Tegan

*mod edit per ToS #10

Quote from: SadPanda on December 02, 2014, 01:09:23 PM
The evening before Thanksgiving my husband of 10 years told me that he liked to wear women's clothing. That was a shock to me since he said nothing for 10 years or even when we dated. So it has been a secret. Later I found out that he had been wearing my clothes.
We have talked about all this and what he wants and what I want. I agreed to go with him wearing items under his clothes if he wishes, but I did not want to see it. We also have a 6 year old and I did not want for our child to see it either.
He has kept this hidden from me for over 10 years. Pretty much lied to me and betrayed my trust in him.  We have built a life together over the years and have dreams for the future. He swore he wasn't going to do reassignment surgery because he has not ill feelings to his genitals and wants to preserve our bedroom relations. That was a relief. I do naturally fear that he may lie again and do something more drastic. My trust in him is completely gone. I am terrified, scared, angry, sad, lost and broken as his wife. I have cried so much in the last few days and the emotional pain has grown into physical pain. I have no one to talk to. There are no support groups that I can find and articles that I have read deal with either "embrace it all" or "leave him." I don't want to leave him and I don't want to embrace it all. He is my husband and the father of my child.  He says it isn't sexual and that it's what he feel he is. Fine. I wish that my feelings and hopes and dreams would be taken into account. This is where the trust issue is... what else will he do? What else is he hiding? I have questioned him about being gay/bi... he isn't. I have questioned him about surgery... he said he won't do it. I have asked him why he never told me... I get a million different answers. I have asked for him to find a psychologist so that we can all talk about this on neutral ground and try to compromise in this because it's my life and my son's life too.  So that's where we are currently. It is very difficult and I have never felt more alone in my life than ever.

Hi Panda,

I am married 10 years to my wife and I am basically in a similar situation as your husband except that I am in transition.

The accusation of betrayal is understandable, but do understand that is not betrayal at all. I received a ton of it and I think it is unfair but I let her go ahead and make them to me.

I have had this sense that my gender was "off" since I was 4. My mom caught me dressing in girl's clothes a few times and I had fun dressing in girl's clothes as a child. But none of this was due to the environment I was raised in. It had everything to do with something deep inside of me. I enjoyed dressing in women's clothing as a child and when I got the opportunity as an adolescent and a teenager.

As for why your husband took so long to tell you, it could be anything. Maybe he felt he could work it out within himself and not harm the marriage. Or perhaps he was just afraid, or apathetic. Or maybe he figured he could cross dress in secret and he would be happy, and you'd be none the wiser, and both of you would be happy to some degree. Unfortunately these scenarios happen to many of us, and hindsight is always 20/20. For many the path ends with coming out, and maybe transition and hopefully acceptance. For others it ends with depression and/or suicide. I am not saying that your husband will kill himself but it is a fact that suicide rates among transgender people is high.

Now, as pointed out he might just have a fetish for women's clothing. However if he says it is not sexual then maybe he needs to see a professional to get some help to sort out his feelings and gender identity.

As for your child, I have three four year olds. They see me dressing and they've made comments about the dresses I'm wearing but I brush it off and they still love me anyway, dress or not. Your son won't be influenced by his dad to transition, because gender identity isn't really a product of one's environment. I grew up in a hyper masculine household with my dad because he and my mom split when I was 10. Yet somehow I still had a strong desire to be a girl, to the point of going to great lengths to get women's clothing to dress with. So if your son decides to follow in his dad's path it will only be because he has it in him already.

   That for sure was a bomb to drop on you.  Hopefully he was gentle with it.  I can say from experience (I once dropped some news on my ex wife... just shy of admitting being trans).  Your husband very well be telling the whole truth.  This is a very hard thing to hold in after a while.  With age comes maturity and you start being less influenced and caring about the external world.  From where I am, almost 32, this has been a secret since I was eight!  Growing up I would lose aproval of my mom and dad.  They almost found out a few times.  Yet when young you learn how to hide very well.  That in turn causes a deep loneliness and the ability to adapt to what you are supposed to be as a man.  The fact that he told you must not be ignored.  Of all places to come out... he did to you.  He values your relationship and your respect... probably so much so he'd risk losing you.  The rejection of your spouse is an ultimate blow.  With parents you grow up with a defiance in you to be your own.... but getting married you bring someone in and build something with them.  This I am sure hurts really bad but his omission of this topic in your relationship didn't come easy to him.  He probably has always wanted to tell you and always wanted your approval. 

That doesn't go to say that omission is a good thing.  I've been on both sides of it and ultimately it feels like betrayal!  It might help with a therapist to navigate where to go from here.  Really it is up to you.  He let the real him out.  Hes vulnerable now and really Id bet that he would love to rebuild a trust for you two.  That's up to you though.  The fact that you are here reading shows a lot of love and the need for understanding.   Amazing!  You'd have to be an amazing woman to come here instead of just casting him out.  Props to you.  Take it a day at a time.  Focus on what you need from him and your relationship if you decide to work on it.  I'm sure he will put in the effort!

Remember clothing is just clothing... there are so many different styles all over the world.  If hes okay with his body then thats all it really is.. 

Maybe another positive.... if he shared THIS with you (thats a pretty big secret for a guy) then your communication can be better than ever.  With time of course.  Trust and transparency from both of you would be required.  Most men... especially manly men have a bottle full of emotions they never show and things they never talk about.  He let a wall down and in the end he might be so much more affectionate and more vocal about his feelings...  just something I have read on. 

Just trying to be positive for you.  I can imagine that you are probably way off balance right now.  Understandably!

Yeah, I'm not so sure she's reading these.

I tried to reply earlier on my phone, but it did not go through.
I've had a lot to process over the days and that is why I have been MIA. I've received some private messages.... some supportive and some not very friendly. I've read all of your replies and have had a lot to process. I honestly did not know what to say or how to say it. I have done a lot of crying.... and I mean a lot.
One issue I did not disclose is what I have also been dealing with since last year... my father's Alzheimer's diagnosis. It has been weighing heavily on me since this is now my 3rd family member to have it. It is progressing at an alarming rate. I am trying to be strong for my mother and be there for her as she endures this. It is so hard... and then having my husband disclose his issue to me was more than I could take.
My husband and I have talked some about all this. Some of it pleasant, some of course not pleasant. We have looked into therapists, but in searching... many either do not return phone calls or emails OR their hours are not something we can do. I work full time as a single office manager and I cannot afford to take off work 3 times per week during the day as many therapists want.... My boss will fire me and find someone else. I cannot afford to lose my job. My commute to many of these therapists is far.... I feel stuck as far as this goes.  We are trying to find a therapist who can work with us.
From what we have discussed, he doesn't want surgery. He wants to feminize his look... which is scary to me. He wants to wear the clothes, but doesn't want to go public. He wants to stay married and raise our son together. And also live our dreams of owning land, raising animals and travel. I want that too. But my enemy is worrying about the future. Can we find a happy medium to where he and I are both happy and comfortable? Or will he not care how I feel and tell me to like it or leave it? I fear the future. I feel completely out of control and out of the loop almost.
The topic of forgiveness was discussed and I had thought about this long before he asked if I could forgive him. Forgiveness is not something dished out freely. It also accompanies trust.  Trust has been violated, but not terminated.... if that makes sense. One I feel I can trust my husband again, the forgiveness I'm sure will follow. I do see that happening.
Like i said, I am still in full mourning... I'm still sad, angry, worried, etc. I may always be. This morning I feel stunned/jaded. Like I've had the wind knocked out of me again. I've asked God "Why this? Why us? Why am I being given this to deal with? What kind of test is this?"  It's so hard.

SadPanda : I used to say it felt like I'd been handcuffed to a speeding train. You have my sympathy, and understanding; it's normal to feel the way you do, and to have a "processing backlog."

(You also can report abusive PMs. This section is supposed to prioritize SOs, and if you're catching flak from trans people, the moderators should address it.)

Hey SadPanda,

I'm really sorry for all you're going through right now. You have my deepest sympathy. As others have said, your feelings are valid and understandable.

I totally understand the desperate desire to just have a "normal" life. This isn't the life you pictured, and it sucks when life throws us these unexpected curves. It sounds like you have good relationship with your husband, and that he's a good man. The fact that he ever felt comfortable telling you shows how much he trusts and needs you. A traditional man confessing that he likes to wear women's clothes is a big frickin' deal. There's a lot of stigma, judgement, and even shame associated with men who are into "girlie" things.  I don't want to trivialize your trauma or feelings, but in the end they're just clothes. And shaming him over this may only discourage him from fully opening up to you in the future. Making him feel safe to explore and express his feelings is really the only sustainable way forward. That doesn't mean you have to be happy about it, or hide your own worries or anxieties. You don't have to "embrace it all", but just accept on some level that this is part of who he is.

I'm sorry you've had such a hard time finding a therapist. Psychology Today has a good therapist search engine (http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/?tr=NewSrch). You could also look into online therapists, who should have more flexible hours.

Hugs.