I'm a pretty vulnerable person to begin with, and I have learned to see the world as a child again in terms of not being out after dark or walking the street alone at night. While at the university in 2008, when I began my initial start with HRT it was a welcomed awakening to finally wear unisex clothes in public and on campus I started to face something I never experienced before and that was that of having all eyes of the public on my transgender self. ...I blew kisses when guys tried to embarrass me and I tried to mingle and blend in to the crowd and nightlife near campus. But it is hard to truly "blend in" when you stand out in society. I wanted attention but this world is full of buttheads.
First, at a gas station--I stayed in the motel across the street from the station because I couldn't get into a dormitory--I almost got jumped by two young, local truckers who frequented the station probably at the end of their daily shifts. My body was changing and I did not know that cis men could say things to you like "I'm still not going to ->-bleeped-<- you" and think you aren't going to respond. That was my thinking at the time. I quipped back with "Who said anything about ->-bleeped-<-ing?" and that only angered the guy who made the remark. Then, afterwards I was confronted by them outside the station with hardly anyone around and had to just tell them I did not want any trouble and walked away real fast. I always avoided them from then on while I stayed near that area close to campus, while I waited for a dorm room or apartment vacancy.
The next time I was celebrating the win of the school's football team on the local strip and I was dancing in a club and got my face/nose smashed in with a beer bottle. I wound up in the hospital and retreated for the next four months after my fractured nose healed on its own, just commuting from school to home and avoiding being out at night. Then, one fateful Jan. 2009 I ventured out for some Mexican take-out because the whole city did not do deliveries until the students returned the following week. Less than 1/8 of a mile from my apartment I became the victim of a hate crime again. Based on how I looked, I was approached by two cis males and cis females and they asked me what my gender was and I just said I was a "pretty person" and the next thing I knew I woke up in pain in an adjacent alley and I was stabbed beside the head and bleeding. I made it back to my apartment and I was in a daze until the sun came up and the police drilled out the front door knob, gained entrance and I was so scared for my life I thought it the police were the people who accosted me coming through the door. I almost dropped out of school because of that incident, mainly because PTSD kept disrupting my life.
Long story short, I have gotten over those two events and I am a lot more careful these days anywhere I go. The individuals in these two scenarios never got charged with any crime because I was alone and did not have witnesses to benefit me in one situation and in the other situation the accoster fled the scene and was never seen again. I'm happy that the police in that city were very helpful in their investigations but the bottom line is that hate crimes should not exist in the first place. Looking back, I would do things differently and look out for my own safety because that is what comes down to it. There are so many issues on people's minds in America today and gender equality is a big one. On the reverse side of equality is injustice and/or inequality, otherwise these issues would not exist.
I was a little lost since 2009 in finding my path back to where I am today, as a transgender female. Since then, I have used writing, meditation, martial arts, running, exercise and religion to try and explore "where I went wrong" and the truth is that I was never wrong in pursuing who I was in the first place. So, I just have to keep pushing forward and be mindful to avoid the dangers out there. ...I don't have many mtf transgender friends because I think I am always in my shell most of the time--up to this point. I'm not looking for sympathy because that is just not in my nature. I do however want all of us to be safe and on-guard. Thanks for reading. This just seemed like the appropriate place for me to put this out there. Peace and take care of yourselves and each other.
