I hope you all will bear with me. This is the place I feel most comfortable going to for advice. What do you think of what I wrote below?

Right before my transgender realization hit me, I'd been doing a lot of deep introspection and spiritual contemplation, and writing about it in a private space. I didn't want to share it with my husband, because it was so personal and sacred to me that I didn't want a soul in the world to see it, not even him.

He knew about it and was upset, so I eventually got the courage to share everything with him, because I know I have a tendency to be overly secretive. After that, I agreed to share everything I write or feel with him. He doesn't want me to keep anything private, because he's my husband. It upsets me that I'm not "allowed" to have anything private because I'm such a secretive person, but he kind of makes sense, right? It's not generally a good idea to keep secrets from your spouse. And to be fair, he lent me a journal that he'd kept secret from me for the 8 years I've known him so that I could read it.

Very recently, some months after the above happened, he's been acting like a jealous boyfriend. It's creepy and obnoxious and doesn't seem normal. He'll prompt me to tell him what I'm thinking if I look slightly upset, or what I'm doing if I hop on the computer. We've been having ongoing conversations about my gender in the months in between, so something we said probably prompted this behavior.

His attitude toward sex is similar, but because it's sex, it's worse. I'm his wife, he should be able to have sex with me whenever he wants, says he.  This is more complicated, but I don't want to delve into my sex life on a public forum. I will mention that I have always had intense boob dysphoria (from them being touched) that has always made things even more complicated.

I've been wondering, what if his issue with my transition is that "his" wife, who is supposed to be a lovely woman, is turning into something other than a lovely woman? What if he feels some entitlement to my feminine side? Like it's his, it belongs to him, and he's going to miss it if it goes away? And I'm the one destroying what belongs to him?

He thinks he knows me better than I know me, and has been trying to "save" me from myself before I do something I'll regret. This whole time, I've been wondering why I feel like I'm being treated like a child or an object, and it all finally clicked into place: I married a male chauvinist. Or did I? What? What is going on? My best friend, whom I've shared so many wonderful memories with and get along so naturally with, thinks he's superior to me???

And then it makes me wonder, how do I know that I'm really FTM? It all makes so much sense, it clears up so many life mysteries, but...what if I made it all up? What if it's really internalized misogyny? What if it's just an escape, an attempt to feel like a human instead of an object? I don't even know what I'd do with myself.

Not sure where in the wedding vows it said anything about male entitlements over sex?

Relationship survive transition with open communication.

Respect ones boundaries is a must.

Dysphoria is devastating to anyone who has it.

Therapist, communication  and respect.

Hugs

Thanks, Mrs. Izzy.  But I guess it's not really about the transition itself. More that the transition has opened my eyes up to the possibility that I married someone who views me as his belonging. I wouldn't want to stay in a relationship like that no matter what my gender is. I'm really confused about everything right now. I don't know who I am or who my husband is either.

Hey GDL,

That sounds very uncomfortable for you and I sure don't want to rag on you husband.  IMO no marriage or significant relationship entitles us to access the physical being of another.  no one is property, no one is owned.  That was slavery and those sentiments sound very misogynistic.

Boundaries, personal privacy and respect are important and you may do well to discuss all of this with a neutral party like a therapist.

As to making it all up or are you really FtM; many of us had some of those same questions when we started.  Doubts and uncertainty are again where a therapist could help.  Feeling FtM persistently sure seems like the real deal to me tho;-)

I'm just gonna say be careful with possessive people, they they can get violent really quickly when they realize they don't own anyone n it's true no on can own another person, so I would say if you really want to transition and the relationship feels like it's going to become toxic, find somewhere safe n leave for your transition, sorry for being so blunt but I personally wouldn't take the risk in sticking around.

And Hanazono, your wrong marriage is about family n love, children are family, partners are not, like  blood is thicker then water.
Real partners share love as a feeling of chemistry, if chemistry doesn't exist then neither does love, even friends have some chemistry but a real partner is a best friend, so the only thing they can own is your loving heart and/or your friendship, but only if you love them n nothing else, you belong to you n you only, tho you may give your heart out to many before you find the right one. 

I do think marriage can be about belonging to eachother, but not about owning eachother. Or entitlement to sex for that matter. Especially when it's one-way-owning.

I think any big change (like transitioning) can bring out elements of a partner you hadn't seen before. This can be because this is how your partner acts under high stress (temporary) or because it's always there just less obvious (to you). I don't really have any advice, but I think that if the balance gets suddenly tipped you will have to try to find a new balance. That can be the old balance again, just slightly different or finding a completely new balance.

This is some ->-bleeped-<-, dude.  I'm a cut-and-run kind of a guy by nature, so unfortunately, I'm not so well equipped for relationship advice.

I mean no offense to your husband, but it sounds like he's being a dick. And to a certain extent, I get it: things are changing, it's scary, he's grabbing onto you like a kid makes a dive for their security blanket after a nightmare. I'm sympathetic.

Ultimately, though, you are and must be allowed privacy. In your thoughts and with your body. Idk. That's the long and short of it, imo. I respect that he's spooked, but that ->-bleeped-<- ain't cute, and I am really sorry you're dealing with it.

Quote from: Tessa James on December 02, 2014, 11:54:05 PM
That sounds very uncomfortable for you and I sure don't want to rag on you husband.

...

As to making it all up or are you really FtM; many of us had some of those same questions when we started.  Doubts and uncertainty are again where a therapist could help.  Feeling FtM persistently sure seems like the real deal to me tho;-)

Thank you, I appreciate that. I don't want to sound like I'm ragging on my husband either.

Both therapists I've seen for gender have sucked. I'm done with gender therapy for now *shake fist*. Going to support groups has been more therapeutic than seeing therapists in this regard.

Quote from: Hanazono on December 02, 2014, 11:59:20 PM
marriage is about belonging to each other.

I felt the same way once, but I feel odd thinking of my husband as someone who "belongs" to me, and the concept doesn't work so well when it's one-sided.

Quote from: Clhoe G on December 03, 2014, 12:49:37 AM
I'm just gonna say be careful with possessive people, they they can get violent really quickly when they realize they don't own anyone n it's true no on can own another person, so I would say if you really want to transition and the relationship feels like it's going to become toxic, find somewhere safe n leave for your transition, sorry for being so blunt but I personally wouldn't take the risk in sticking around.

Thank you for your concern. I think he's too gentle a person to become violent, but I have looked into places to go if I need to temporarily escape to save my mental health.

Quote from: NathanielM on December 03, 2014, 01:18:58 AM
I think any big change (like transitioning) can bring out elements of a partner you hadn't seen before. This can be because this is how your partner acts under high stress (temporary) or because it's always there just less obvious (to you).

This calmed my nerves SO MUCH. Thank you so much. You're probably right, he's just really stressed and acting out, or it's some combination of both. There are times when he's a totally normal, sweet guy, so it wouldn't make sense for me to have this sudden realization that he's a total creeper.

Quote from: captains on December 03, 2014, 01:36:27 AM
I mean no offense to your husband, but it sounds like he's being a dick. And to a certain extent, I get it: things are changing, it's scary, he's grabbing onto you like a kid makes a dive for their security blanket after a nightmare. I'm sympathetic.

That first line made me lol XD And thank you, I'm trying to look at both sides as well.

Quote from: Hanazono on December 03, 2014, 02:26:53 AMI wonder if reassurances that your basic personality will remain the same, help?

Again, I thought so as well, but he has repeatedly said that I'm turning into someone he doesn't recognize. There's nothing I can do to reassure him that I'm the same person, because to him, I'm not. It's a very unfortunate scenario. To me, I have always been the same person and am shocked that he didn't see this coming in some form or another. That's why sometimes I think he's projecting his idealized woman onto me. Or maybe I really did resemble her when we were dating. Meh, who knows.

Overall, thanks so much for the support you guys. I was too chicken to even talk about this, but I'm glad I finally got the courage to do so. I was going to talk to him about divorce, but now I'm going to see if he'll do couples' counseling with me instead. Maybe that will help.

Wow that is so nice to hear GDL.  I am a terrible romantic and want to believe in happy endings for everyone;-)  I too have a keen sense of belonging to my wife and she on the other hand states firmly that "you belong to yourself."  Your comment about therapists resonates here and i feel many of my friends and family have been every bit as therapeutic for me.

Two years into my transition I do feel i am a very different person while my principle values, and orientation are relatively constant.  Transition and dealing with a once secret truth are big challenges to our relationship and I admire you both for valuing each other enough to work for it.

When a partner transitions, or transforms, or searches, or grows asymmetrically - the relationship must grow and change too or it will fail.  In profound ways you are becoming someone new and different.  You are discarding a persona and becoming authentic.  When I became aware that I could no longer live as a man, one thing I spent a long time contemplating was how I would respond if the situation was reversed.  Could I acknowledge that my wife was becoming my husband?  Could I accept that her journey to him or they was as essential as my journey to her?  Do I have the courage to accept that the imperative to live authentically was stronger than the imperative to remain a couple?

The hardest thing about this journey for me was not passing or fear of being misgendered.  It was knowing that I might break the heart of someone I cared about.  It turns out that I did, we have separated, but two years later we are on the path to becoming friends which is all I could hope for and honestly all that I want.  It will almost certainly come out in counseling, but your gender ambiguity is likely something that your spouse was, and is, attracted to - although maybe not in those terms.  Some couples navigate the shoals of transition and find a path that works for them.  Take a look at Aisla's posts, or follow Tessa to wisdom.

I could not pull it off.  My spouse is a heterosexual, gender normative woman.  She simply cannot wrap her mind around me and what I have had to do to become whole.  Dysphoria is not a choice, transition is sometimes the only remedy to live happily and in my case to remain living at all.  That it sometimes costs almost more than can be borne is why sites like this exist.  If it was easy and accepted there would be no need.  But there is.

I hope that counseling both together and separately helps you and your husband find answers, and that you continue to share your story and remain open and loving.

Fair winds,
Julie

He may have had conjugal rights to "sex on demand" one hundred years ago but that is no longer the case. A no secrecy policy may be reasonable to a degree but a no privacy one is absolutely not. Having no privacy is tantamount to mind control. I would agree with Hana above, if he is very far along on the hetro male sexuality scale he probably believes he is losing th "woman" he loves (or possibly, that he somehow believes he "owns") and what's more he may feel he is losing you to another man. Your observation about him being jealous may be quite accurate. Not sure how any of that gets dealt with except through communication, counselling and trust.

Well I will approach it from the MTF side as someone who is battling this same thing but with the opposite end - my wife does not want me to transition but she can't stop me and she wants me to be happy. She says she wants to support me but cannot. Common things she says are that she is not a lesbian, she is not into women, I am breaking our vows, it will affect the children negatively, etc etc. As harsh as she sounds there is a grain of truth into this. I brought this into the marriage and it's all on me. She married a woman without me telling her I was one, and that is wrong on my part.

As for the sex on demand thing. It is expected that married couples would have sex with each other whenever the opportunity and need arises. But is it an entitlement? NO. It is more of a mutual agreement, IMO, and isn't true for every couple.

As for "his wife is turning into something other than a beautiful woman" yes I can see that being a problem. If you can work that out, great. If not, you may have to part company, unfortunately. I went into this with the full realization that it would cost me my marriage, and that is probably going to happen. But in the end I have to decide whether I want to be unhappy in a "happy" marriage or I want to be happy as a single person or with someone else.

Quote from: ImagineKate on December 03, 2014, 03:08:05 PM
......
But in the end I have to decide whether I want to be unhappy in a "happy" marriage or I want to be happy as a single person or with someone else.

In this "happy" marriage, only one side of the marriage would the "happy" that would apply and even then only if they had blinders on. My wife told me that even though she is pansexual and misses some of the old male things (she also loves many of the female things) she could never be "happy" if she knew I wasn't being my true self. If a spouse says that they would only be happy if you didn't transition, then they are only thinking of themselves. If they really care about you, they will realize this once they start to understand that you are not being your true self. For a successful marriage, both sides need to be happy. A one sided marriage will not last. Obviously each side has to make compromises, but they should be happy over all. Not transitioning is not a compromise any trans person can be happy with to stay in a marriage.

I agree fully so we are sorting this out or we part ways amicably. Transition is on either way. I can't live as a man anymore.

Quote from: ImagineKate on December 04, 2014, 04:30:03 AM
Transition is on either way. I can't live as a man anymore.

A big high five on that one Hon!

I've always believe that sex should be mutual. If you don't want each other its a bad sign that something is wrong.