i'm gonna try to make this short. i was born a girl, but i've always felt more like a boy. i feel like i've always known, but around third grade or so my parents started worrying. i could tell, and i wanted to fit in, so the "easy" thing was to act my sex. i lived my life as a straight woman, i have amazing girlfriends, i've been in relationships with boys, i'm "girly", most people think i'm cute and smart and well.. you know how the story goes.

i've never felt like myself. i've always known i was born in the wrong body, but i've never told anyone.. and now it's just killing me. i don't know what to do with all these feelings anymore. 2 years ago i got really depressed, this was around the time i started accepting the fact that i will probably never be truly happy. i don't feel comfortable with who i am today, nor would i feel comfortable living my life as a ftm.

i don't think i can say i've ever been in love with any of my boyfriends (none of my relationships lasted very long), i have however been in love with two women. i never acted on these feelings cause im just not comfortable with who i am. i dont think i would look good "transitioning" or cross dressing for that matter: i'm short, curvy and feminine looking.

due to my depression i've been spending a lot of time on my own, leaving me lots of time to think about everything; and the more alone time i have, the more i act who i truly feel like i am.. and it feels so good, so natural, and so easy. but around people, i just wouldnt dare. i'm struggling with these feelings cause a really big part of me feels like i will never be truly happy as the girly girl everyone knows me as, but i also dont feel like i will be happy living as a feminine looking man.

deep down inside i KNOW who i am, i guess i just dont have the guts to live the life i "should want". i'm in my early thirties, so i've had these feelings for a really long time and now i just dont know what to do anymore. anyone else struggling with feelings like these? all transgender people i come across seem to be so proud of themselves (i am SO jealous) because, im not proud of who i am at all.

Quote from: myboyblue on December 05, 2014, 04:35:47 AM
i'm gonna try to make this short. i was born a girl, but i've always felt more like a boy. i feel like i've always known, but around third grade or so my parents started worrying. i could tell, and i wanted to fit in, so the "easy" thing was to act my sex. i lived my life as a straight woman, i have amazing girlfriends, i've been in relationships with boys, i'm "girly", most people think i'm cute and smart and well.. you know how the story goes.

i've never felt like myself. i've always known i was born in the wrong body, but i've never told anyone.. and now it's just killing me. i don't know what to do with all these feelings anymore. 2 years ago i got really depressed, this was around the time i started accepting the fact that i will probably never be truly happy. i don't feel comfortable with who i am today, nor would i feel comfortable living my life as a ftm.


i don't think i can say i've ever been in love with any of my boyfriends (none of my relationships lasted very long), i have however been in love with two women. i never acted on these feelings cause im just not comfortable with who i am. i dont think i would look good "transitioning" or cross dressing for that matter: i'm short, curvy and feminine looking.

due to my depression i've been spending a lot of time on my own, leaving me lots of time to think about everything; and the more alone time i have, the more i act who i truly feel like i am.. and it feels so good, so natural, and so easy. but around people, i just wouldnt dare. i'm struggling with these feelings cause a really big part of me feels like i will never be truly happy as the girly girl everyone knows me as, but i also dont feel like i will be happy living as a feminine looking man.

deep down inside i KNOW who i am, i guess i just dont have the guts to live the life i "should want". i'm in my early thirties, so i've had these feelings for a really long time and now i just dont know what to do anymore. anyone else struggling with feelings like these? all transgender people i come across seem to be so proud of themselves (i am SO jealous) because, im not proud of who i am at all.

God I feel for you, I am 30 and a masculine tattooed guy, I am a war vet and I am 6 ft 240 pounds and not fat, Ill trade with you lol, inside I m girly as hell. I am gonna transition in February, I am so scared, gonna take the hormones and present male until I have gotten back down to 165 170 pounds, and been on hormones for atleast  8 months, and I am getting vocal surgery also then it will be fulltime from then on out. I pray for you and I am no expert at all on any of this especially ftm, but from what I understand testosterone is pretty powerful and I have a cis guy friend who is like 5 ft and built muscular and has tattoos, I think the lead from five finger death punch is like 5'3. he is cis male, so tallness isn't a issue, I hope you can be yourself and never lose hope.

that was a quick reply. thank you! after re-reading what i wrote i was worried i would come across as shallow, but that's obviously not the case.. just thoughts that's been going through my head. anyways, glad to hear i'm not the only one feeling like this. i don't really know where to go from here, i feel like i'm kinda stuck. i want to live my life as a man, i always have.. but scared ->-bleeped-<-less of not passing. i dont think i will. i dont know.


happy to hear that you're gonna transition in february. wish i would have more to say about that, but im not very well read on mtf transitioning. i know what you've been going through though and you'll be in my thoughts and i hope everything goes well! i'd be happy to trade with you! why isn't it just that easy?

Lol! don't worry about it, work out if you transition, and from what ive seen of ftm after hrt
there pass easier than mtf mostly

Quote from: myboyblue on December 05, 2014, 04:35:47 AM
i'm gonna try to make this short. i was born a girl, but i've always felt more like a boy. i feel like i've always known, but around third grade or so my parents started worrying. i could tell, and i wanted to fit in, so the "easy" thing was to act my sex. i lived my life as a straight woman, i have amazing girlfriends, i've been in relationships with boys, i'm "girly", most people think i'm cute and smart and well.. you know how the story goes.

i've never felt like myself. i've always known i was born in the wrong body, but i've never told anyone.. and now it's just killing me. i don't know what to do with all these feelings anymore. 2 years ago i got really depressed, this was around the time i started accepting the fact that i will probably never be truly happy. i don't feel comfortable with who i am today, nor would i feel comfortable living my life as a ftm.

i don't think i can say i've ever been in love with any of my boyfriends (none of my relationships lasted very long), i have however been in love with two women. i never acted on these feelings cause im just not comfortable with who i am. i dont think i would look good "transitioning" or cross dressing for that matter: i'm short, curvy and feminine looking.

due to my depression i've been spending a lot of time on my own, leaving me lots of time to think about everything; and the more alone time i have, the more i act who i truly feel like i am.. and it feels so good, so natural, and so easy. but around people, i just wouldnt dare. i'm struggling with these feelings cause a really big part of me feels like i will never be truly happy as the girly girl everyone knows me as, but i also dont feel like i will be happy living as a feminine looking man.

deep down inside i KNOW who i am, i guess i just dont have the guts to live the life i "should want". i'm in my early thirties, so i've had these feelings for a really long time and now i just dont know what to do anymore. anyone else struggling with feelings like these? all transgender people i come across seem to be so proud of themselves (i am SO jealous) because, im not proud of who i am at all.

Everything you listed here, I struggle with...except the EXACT OPPOSITE lol. extremely muscular (although i've been doing every and anything to get rid of it. lost most) , very macho alpha male type outside. Now when I'm by myself? pfft VS PINK capris, bras, Little Black Dresses, blouses, heels, painted toenails, etc. Its like a complete 180 and for that reason alone, I know transitioning and coming out is going to be extremely difficult because i've constructed my male persona so well, its simply impenetrable. To come out is going to be 100% confusing to everyone around me, they'd think I was lying or joking 

I wouldn't say i'm not proud of who i am, more so not proud that I can't be myself because its simply not tolerated by society. In a perfect world, this wouldn't be an issue because people would accept that there are different types of people in this world.

Also to add: the bolded part, I wouldn't doubt testosterone. It is some seriously strong stuff. that stuff does wonders for building muscle and/or masculinizing

If you're truly trans then these feelings probably wont ever go away. It's hard but it sounds like you're on the edge and you need to take some time and decide whether to deal with it and live as a female or take the jump to the other side.

Cross-dressing is good to explore yourself. You may think the world will look at you weird for butching up a little, but a little white lie about performing as a guy in a theatre show / helping someone's fashion/art project about guys should do the trick.

If you are as girly as you say you are then expect it to come as a shock. Even the most open-minded people associate gender non-conformity with one acting like the other sex.

How you look is directly proportional to how much effort you put in. Yeah you may be a short guy but the curvy can become muscular with T and exercise. The feminine will go masculine a fair bit, by transitioning you'll shave DECADES off your age. Trust me, most end up looking like they're mid-teens -mid twenties until you start getting a little bit a face fluff. Looking younger is a good thing though!

Good luck with your decision. I know its a hard one to make.
Yours
Gentleboy

Your thoughts/feelings are certainly typical for many of us. So are the circumstances surrounding them. Having too much free time often leads to thinking about things you'd rather not, or even dared to. I spent decades using what I call the "3-Ds". Diversions, Distractions and a touch of Denial to "Get By".

I was the tallest, biggest, and going baldest guy when I started h/s. I was 6ft tall when I got out. My voice is lower then a typical males. After two failed experiments with transitioning after college I resigned myself to my fate of trying to be the best guy I could.

It took a few decades to figure out that one! Speaking from the other side of the fence (or on it), a "curvy" guy can go unnoticed. I still present primarily as male. Being a former fatty I was never much for clothes that fit. Looser baggy tops and slacks can hide a B cup as well as not show off 36" hips with your 32" waist. "Male Fail" happens when you are striving for it. I strive to survive. I never had an ideal male body. I'll never have an ideal female body. Yet I finally am happy being in my skin.

Depression will keep you from thinking that the light at the end of the tunnel is anything but an oncoming train. To help me get out of my lifelong depression I started with baby steps, always reminding myself "I know what does not work". You do a little tweak here or there and evaluate the results. Better or worser?  Go for some low hanging fruit like you already are. Allow yourself to allow your inner self to see a little daylight. THen ask Is the total self happier?

There will be upwellings of guilt and shame. I've had plenty of "WTF am I Doing " meltdowns. Yet overall the totality of Me was happier. I knew what doesn't work. I am still learning what does

I felt much the same as you did before transitioning. I don't understand "trans pride" because for me this is something very painful and personal. I was worried I wouldn't be able to live as any other guy, wondered how much testosterone could do for me. I didn't and don't want to live as a "trans man" because I just see myself as a guy and my transition is not a huge part of who I am. And when it is part of who I am it's a painful thing.

A lot of my fears didn't come to pass. The Inbetween phase where you still look female or kinda female is very very hard. But after enough time on T most trans men are indistinguishable from cis men and can choose to live stealth if they wish. Stealth comes with challenges and it's never easy to be transgender.

I'm sorry that you've been dealing with with this alone for so long. I wish there was an easy answer. For me transition was very very hard but it was worth it.

Quote from: myboyblue on December 05, 2014, 04:35:47 AM
all transgender people i come across seem to be so proud of themselves (i am SO jealous) because, im not proud of who i am at all.

Most people I know who are trans seem to be proud of who they are too....I'm not. Never have been. Even post op and on hormones for years and living stealth, Im not proud of being trans. Don't get me wrong, transitioning was the best decision I made and it saved my life. But, I will always wish I was born a normal man instead of having to jump through a million hoops to get here. I guess some people are OK with being proud of being trans and some just feel ashamed of not being normal. I'm ashamed of not being normal.

i wish we could swap., my story is the mirror of yours, or exactly the same just reverse boy and girl. im tall with a square jaw; i wish i could give you my bod in a swap!!

" Im not proud of being trans. Don't get me wrong, transitioning was the best decision I made and it saved my life. But, I will always wish I was born a normal man instead of having to jump through a million hoops to get here. I guess some people are OK with being proud of being trans and some just feel ashamed of not being normal. I'm ashamed of not being normal."

the pride comes from being give a huge extra problem to deal with and dealing with it like a fking boss

Firstly Welcome myboyblue to Susan's

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Quote from: myboyblue on December 05, 2014, 04:35:47 AM
i'm gonna try to make this short. i was born a girl, but i've always felt more like a boy. i feel like i've always known, but around third grade or so my parents started worrying. i could tell, and i wanted to fit in, so the "easy" thing was to act my sex. i lived my life as a straight woman, i have amazing girlfriends, i've been in relationships with boys, i'm "girly", most people think i'm cute and smart and well.. you know how the story goes.

i've never felt like myself. i've always known i was born in the wrong body, but i've never told anyone.. and now it's just killing me. i don't know what to do with all these feelings anymore. 2 years ago i got really depressed, this was around the time i started accepting the fact that i will probably never be truly happy. i don't feel comfortable with who i am today, nor would i feel comfortable living my life as a ftm.

i don't think i can say i've ever been in love with any of my boyfriends (none of my relationships lasted very long), i have however been in love with two women. i never acted on these feelings cause im just not comfortable with who i am. i dont think i would look good "transitioning" or cross dressing for that matter: i'm short, curvy and feminine looking.

due to my depression i've been spending a lot of time on my own, leaving me lots of time to think about everything; and the more alone time i have, the more i act who i truly feel like i am.. and it feels so good, so natural, and so easy. but around people, i just wouldnt dare. i'm struggling with these feelings cause a really big part of me feels like i will never be truly happy as the girly girl everyone knows me as, but i also dont feel like i will be happy living as a feminine looking man.

deep down inside i KNOW who i am, i guess i just dont have the guts to live the life i "should want". i'm in my early thirties, so i've had these feelings for a really long time and now i just dont know what to do anymore. anyone else struggling with feelings like these? all transgender people i come across seem to be so proud of themselves (i am SO jealous) because, im not proud of who i am at all.

Why are you not proud of yourself, you should be, to maintain any sense of reality over years of knowing you are someone else, and being accepted in that sense is certainly and achievement. Trust me I have been there all my life... (this year it changes)

It is the hardest thing to live with... but you need to assess your self, can I really do that? The issue with GID it can get more intense. Of course some can manage that, as I have done till recently (last year in particular, then 12 years ago when I went on HRT, to ensure I could achieve my minimum goals).

Please try not to be alone you do need friends... try and figure out some close friends you can re-ignite friendships with.

Also do you or have you considered getting some time with a counsellor or therapist....

Anyway here you'll find friends and kindred spirits to help you along.

Look forward to seeing you around the forums.

L Katy 

I am going to try to give you something to think on that might improve your attitude. First, before all of us came out we all pretty much had the same attitude that you are currently feeling. The only reason we appear proud is because we have taken the first step toward getting better. Should you make that step you could find yourself with the same mindset we have in a very short period of time.

You are dealing with two independent things, Gender identity and Sexual preference. They act independent of each other and to make it simple for you (thank you Bruce Jenner) Sexual preference is who you want to go to bed with and Gender identity is who you want to go to bed as. At some point you will be able to answer both questions for yourself and we don't judge here. I think you are a good person and as a good person we will do whatever we can to help you. We are not doctors but we have a good deal of information you can draw from. If at some point you decide you like your life the way it is, that's fine with us. If you decide you want surgery, that's fine with us as well. We are only interested in helping you get well. I can help you with ideas but some of the guys around here will be far more helpful with the body stuff.

In either case, you should think about a consoler because none of us have medical degrees. I am a computer programmer who wants to help people avoid all the pain I went through. Others on the site have their own goals and reasons for being here. I felt a good deal of shame when I found the group that enabled me to make my change and almost didn't go back. I did go back and have been so happy for the last 30 years that I have a hard time wiping the smile off my face. That can be you so stay with us and explore your options. In the end, the doctors declare you sane enough to decide what you want to do and you are the one who decides what your are inside. I hope to see more post from you in the future and when you can PM, if I can help you, let me know.