To most people I'm a hetro, married cis woman with a great job and life (but where are the kids? they ask)
To my husband and close friends and anyone bold enough to ask I'm a bi cis woman in a hetro relationship.

To me? I don't even know. Sexuality isn't confusing. Gender is.

1. I've dated men and women and both kinds of relationships have meant a lot to me. I like my current relationship. My husband is very sweet and supportive.
2. For a 2.5 years, as a teen, I got everyone to treat me like a man. Male name and pronouns, I dressed like a boy unless forced not to. I liked that but it was so stressful to correct and explain all of the time. I remember someone saying I was too short to make a good man. I believed this. I still kind of do. When I went to college I gave up.
3. In college I guess you could say I stayed "butch" but if I needed to dress like a woman I could do it. I just didn't give a ->-bleeped-<-.
4. I just focused on my career, met men and women... dated. I remember once someone described me as "that chick who looks like a 14 year old boy" That made me really happy. Though now the idea of still seeming like a kid at 36 is not appealing.
5. In order to seem normal and fit in I just went with being a woman. I used to hate my body a lot (eating disorder issues) but now I can see that objectively I'm not ugly or anything. But what I like most about me are the things that are not as womanly: I have pretty nice muscles, I have a handsome smile.
6. I work in a field with next to no women and even fewer black women. Some of the time I think I need to be here as a black woman not a man. And then I think that maybe wanting to be a man is just the stress of being in places hostile to women all the time.
7. I love my husband. He knows I'm not girly and he likes that about me. But I feel it's too much to ask of him. I've gotten pretty good living like this. Though there are days when I'm racked with regret. There are days when I tell myself it was all just a phase and I can almost believe that.

I guess I just wanted to lay it all out. God I'm a mess.

Hi Invisibleman 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

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Hugs

V M

Hi! Welcome to Susan's and thanks for sharing. You say you wonder if it is just a phase? Phases don't usually last thirty years or so. Have you thought about talking to a counsellor, especially one well versed in gender identity issues? It might help to give you a sense of who you really feel yourself to be and what you might like to do about it. Perhaps worry about some of that other stuff when you get to that point.

welcome

I'm in therapy for major depression, it's always been one thing or another... depression, the eating disorder, more depression. I have not brought up any of this with my therapist, though. I might need a new therapist. This guy is getting on my nerves as it is anyway. I've looked at some listings for therapists who know about gender but do most people just pay out of pocket? Or is there any hope of using insurance somehow?

I guess I'm also looking for stories and articles how how people just live. I hate feeling so isolated an odd even though I have really diverse friends in terms of gender expression I don't want to burden my trans friends with what they might (legitimately) see my little bS problems. I figure people in a forum can walk away if they need to, so.

Can't help you re insurance sorry as I live in Australia and we have a different system. Sounds like you do need a new counsellor though. Please head over to the female to male section of the forum and ask away, plenty of guys with lots of lived experience who are really happy to offer suggestions and advice.

Hi Invisibleman, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm Brightredwoman! You can call me Devlyn though. 

"I guess I just wanted to lay it all out"  Sometimes that's all it takes to see the answer. In any case, it's always a good start. See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn