I came out to my family within the past week and alot of my family is perfectly fine with it and are going to be making an effort to use my chosen name when referring to me, and try to use the right pronouns.

My aunt on the other hand is a different story. her and her kids are fine with it, but are refusing to call me by my chosen name and instead are using a male version of my birthname. They basically said they dont care what i say my name is they are going to call me by the name they have picked, and refuse to use the rigght pronouns. they are staying over this weekend.

my mother is saying the same thing and even though i dont live with her i see her alot more than my aunt and cousins.

my grandma is on the fence. like the rest she is fine with it but hasnt been using the right pronouns or calling me by my chosen but ive been too exhausted to correct her all the time.

what do i do? how can i make them understand how important it is to me to use my chosen anme and how bad it makes me feel when they use the wrong pronouns and my birthname?

~o


SIDE NOTE: my cousin just asked something of me using my birthname and i told her that she could only get what she was asking for if she called me kayden and she was all like "FINE KAYDEN" and started laughing a bit saying "HAPPY NOW?" and i told her that yes it made me very happy.
EDIT: im pretty sure after doing this that this cousin is going to keep calling me kayden as she did it later on without me asking. she said after ": i cant believe your making me call you this" but i think she has come to terms with it in her own way.

You could choose new names for them that they don't like.  Childish, yes, but that could get your point across to the dense ones.

I'd have to second Jill's opinion. Likely childish, but so is THEIR behavior, and your doing so will hopefully highlight that for everyone.

Don't answer to them.

I gotta agree with everyone else.  Your family is acting childish, so throw it right back at them.

Or you could, you know, be the mature one and tell them, "You know, what you're doing is very hurtful to me.  How would you feel if I behaved this way toward you?"

And definitely get the legal paperwork done PDQ.  Then, if they pull that rubbish again, flash your ID.  Better yet, if they call you the wrong name in public, just shout, "YOU'RE NOT MY MOMMY!  HELP!  STRANGER DANGER!  STRANGER DANGER!"  It'll embarrass them AND get your point across.

You can also just not respond to the incorrect name as they are not addressing you but someone else.

My response is usually "who?" - but that has been for colleagues who were at least trying and slipping up. Might not work so well for obstinate relatives. I was thinking of calling my father "mother" if he does it on purpose, except he'd likely lose his $#!@.

Quote from: Ms Grace on December 06, 2014, 01:24:10 AM
My response is usually "who?" - but that has been for colleagues who were at least trying and slipping up. Might not work so well for obstinate relatives. I was thinking of calling my father "mother" if he does it on purpose, except he'd likely lose his $#!@.

I did once tell one of my lab managers, in front of my staff, that if he ever misgendered me again with the wrong pronoun that I would cut his balls off and he could wear them as ear rings. He has never slipped up since

I have just about had it with it too!
From excuses like "its not that easy because we been calling you the old name all along", through to ill call you your new name when your ID reflect it...
Here where i stay, it takes years of fighting to get your ID changed, mainly due to incompitance and transphobic individuals that do not follow the law...

Anyway, i also suspect that when i get my new id, (hopefully before i die one day) those people will still not uss the right names and pronouns. ..
I'm starting to try other ways to get it in there heads now. Like ignoring,  and even looking for names that annoy them, to call them by... childish maby, but what else can i do...

I would explain to them one more time how it makes you feel when they don't use your chosen name, then if they still don't use it just don't respond to them when they use the different name, same with pronouns. It should get so annoying to them that they'll finally switch names. I agree that if they're acting childish you should too.

Your family is being childish about what you have chosen, so throw it back at them.

I had a teacher who liked to misname people. Since my family name is WinterXXXX, he Would call roll and call out SummerXXXX instead of my proper name. It was funny once or twice, but after that I got tired of it and wanted him to use my proper name. His family name was XXXXXson, so when he called "SummerXXXX" I replied with "Yes, Mr. XXXXXdaughter?" He stopped misnaming me fairly quickly after that!

If I were to play devil's advocate, I would point out that this is fairly new for them and they need time to adjust, given time the correct pronouns will likely fall into place, as long as they are trying. As for your name, If they can't respect what you have chosen, then pick something for them that they don't wish to be called. It will get the point across.

I had an aunt who hated when her children were given nicknames before they could make it known their own preferences, hence we couldn't call my cousin Tom, but had to say "Thomas", etc. There were some family members who resisted this ultimatum for a while - more for laughs than anything else, but eventually everyone came around. This is similar. Just be strong and don't budge!

P.S. One could at least give them a round of applause for using a male version of your birthname, but if you don't identify it, it's a moot point.

Hey O,
I'm sorry they're giving you a hard time. Their behavior is hurtful, and your aunt is just outrageous, sorry.

If you came out to them only a week ago, give them a bit more time to get used to the whole thing. Correct them, maybe try to explain again what you're going through and why the misgendering and misnaming hurts you. But yeah, if they refuse to learn and be educated, protect yourself!

Quote from: Amadeus on December 06, 2014, 12:38:45 AM
I gotta agree with everyone else.  Your family is acting childish, so throw it right back at them.

Or you could, you know, be the mature one and tell them, "You know, what you're doing is very hurtful to me.  How would you feel if I behaved this way toward you?"

And definitely get the legal paperwork done PDQ.  Then, if they pull that rubbish again, flash your ID.  Better yet, if they call you the wrong name in public, just shout, "YOU'RE NOT MY MOMMY!  HELP!  STRANGER DANGER!  STRANGER DANGER!"  It'll embarrass them AND get your point across.

that last part killed me! XD

im cant get my name changed until im 18 because my family is saying that they aren't going to let me do it with them.

\

Quote from: Cindy on December 06, 2014, 01:26:34 AM
I did once tell one of my lab managers, in front of my staff, that if he ever misgendered me again with the wrong pronoun that I would cut his balls off and he could wear them as ear rings. He has never slipped up since

oh my goodness, thats hilarious, unfortunately i cant say that to my family, but ill keep that one in mind in case i ever have to use it XD

Quote from: alexis.j on December 06, 2014, 01:30:51 AM
I have just about had it with it too!
From excuses like "its not that easy because we been calling you the old name all along", through to ill call you your new name when your ID reflect it...
Here where i stay, it takes years of fighting to get your ID changed, mainly due to incompitance and transphobic individuals that do not follow the law...

Anyway, i also suspect that when i get my new id, (hopefully before i die one day) those people will still not uss the right names and pronouns. ..
I'm starting to try other ways to get it in there heads now. Like ignoring,  and even looking for names that annoy them, to call them by... childish maby, but what else can i do...

my grandma has said that once i have my name changed that they will have to call me by the right name. The hard part, my aunt and cousins are validating them saying it by saying that kayden doesn't fit with my birthname. DUH THATS WHY I CHOSE IT. The whole  reason i chose Kayden and not jack was because i was thinking about what would make me more comfortable, and that i only get the chance to rename myself once, and it better be something that i like rather than something thats just an abbreviation of my birthname.

Quote from: LoriLorenz on December 06, 2014, 07:43:16 AM
Your family is being childish about what you have chosen, so throw it back at them.

I had a teacher who liked to misname people. Since my family name is WinterXXXX, he Would call roll and call out SummerXXXX instead of my proper name. It was funny once or twice, but after that I got tired of it and wanted him to use my proper name. His family name was XXXXXson, so when he called "SummerXXXX" I replied with "Yes, Mr. XXXXXdaughter?" He stopped misnaming me fairly quickly after that!

If I were to play devil's advocate, I would point out that this is fairly new for them and they need time to adjust, given time the correct pronouns will likely fall into place, as long as they are trying. As for your name, If they can't respect what you have chosen, then pick something for them that they don't wish to be called. It will get the point across.

I had an aunt who hated when her children were given nicknames before they could make it known their own preferences, hence we couldn't call my cousin Tom, but had to say "Thomas", etc. There were some family members who resisted this ultimatum for a while - more for laughs than anything else, but eventually everyone came around. This is similar. Just be strong and don't budge!

P.S. One could at least give them a round of applause for using a male version of your birthname, but if you don't identify it, it's a moot point.

thats why im not too worried about the pronouns right now, because i know it will take time, i just correct them when we get away from the situation in public or when i get the chance and say, "hey you called me she again, your supposed to call me he now remember?" and stuff like that. with my grandma i think she tries, but forgets, thats why im not too worried about her.

my cousins are the other story i think they are just refusing to use the right pronouns and name, but the one i corrected yesterday is doing alright with it, so ill do the same thing with her and correct her like i do my grandma.

to put in easy terms, she is easy to break if it comes down to it, shes not a real mule. 

not to mention my one cousin is a 13 year old stubborn biotch, we usually ignore half the things she says anyways, so for her i will definitely start playing the reverse name and pronouns game with her, because in all honestly she freaking deserves it.

It's pretty sad if a 13 year old is like that, just imagine her at 20... yikes.

i just got in an argument with my grandma about my name..

i mean i get what she said shes old and theres alot of kids here to remember but she could at least make an effort.

after a five minute argument she corrected herself once.

BUT WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR THEM TO GRASP THIS.

for me its easy, you just have to be conscious of what your saying, its like having a filter on your words to make the things you say appropriate, and she can do that!

Honestly if you just came out to them it will take some time. Just be grateful you have a family who still wants you even after you came out. Believe it or not a name change can be hard to remember. I had a cousin change her name (non gender related) And it took me a while to remember she had changed her name. So if it's just the name cut them a little slack just keep reminding them how much it would mean to you if they called you by your new name.

It is hard for Grandmas to change names. All growing up my grandma would slip up and call me my mom's name. However after saying the wrong name she would immediately correct herself. And this is with one grandchild, can't imagine more than that. Now that I've come out she rarely uses the right name, I haven't pushed her to use the correct one so can't blame her there.

I do understand the frustration but to expect everyone to change their pronouns perfectly while still letting your coming out sink in, is a bit too much. Again, I understand your frustration but you are forcing your change of living onto them in a few days while it took you probably years to get to this point. Give it some time.

I'm in a similar pickle as well. My mom says she doesn't want to have to remember another name, and that my being transgender just "Makes the holidays more stressful", and that I'm still a girl and will only call me by my birthname until I get myself manparts and change my name legally. She hasn't even TRIED. I told her I was totally understanding if mistakes were made- I'm a patient guy and I know it's not easy. But to have her tell me something like that, it hurt, it really did. She also said "What do I tell STEVEN?", who is my 8-year-old brother. "How do I explain to a young boy that his sister wants to be a boy now?"

I'd love to know what to say in this situation too, since all I did was buckled down and took it, cuz I'm afraid of arguments and people being mad at me.

Are you fully passing? It's generally harder for them to use right names if you're not actively passing. I know that's an issue for me, cuz I don't pass well without binders, so everyone just thinks I'm joking around or not serious about this.

In any case, your aunt sounds like a loon, but you ARE right, with what you said about your cousin- some people just have their own ways of coming to terms with it. Being honest and firm about your stance and showing you're totally serious about this, and that it would make you so happy if they called you by your preferred name and pronouns will help them realize that the effort is definitely worth their while.

Hey brother if you want some real advice.. Give them time... It is not really fair for you to expect them to just start calling you a new name as soon as you come out.. This isn't only a big change for you.. but also for them.. If you want them to be supportive and accepting you have to realize that this going to take time to process. Based on how you handle this situation will ultimately determine how they will handle it as well.  Give them time. So many trans men have been totally disowned by their family after coming out... your family actually handled it very well. Give them time and as the weeks pass, slowly stop responding to your birth name, and respond to your chosen name..