Yes. That is exactly how I feel... my life is unworthy of life. I feel unhealthy, fat (which I am), ugly (Im a guy), stupid (because I screw so many things up in the past), fatigue, my brain doesnt work right.... like I forgot what i heard a day or two later. Seriously I was going to have random hookup with some guy just to make myself feel better ... but I stop myself because thats pathetic. Im not a whore. But I want to be female so bad that when Im with a guy I feel female.

I dont think my life is worth living but Im like going threw the motions. I dont die because I dont want my family to cry ... and i dont think theres an after life... so once this is over theres no more. I dont want to do it just yet.

Im freaken miserable.... my job now expects me to be a driver (assume I can drive well and such)... I cant drive for the life of me... Im terrified. Im tired of it all.

I have nothing to make me happy.... my job makes me miserable , my body, my voice, my mentality. And I cant get away from my job... im trap with it.

And Im not depress right now.... Im just saying the everyday feelings.

I cant go on hormones either because of my job. And Im sick of being called man too. Its been 23 years of misery... always hoping. But tomorrow ill be alone.. repeat the motions and continue going through the motions.

I find myself in a world worst than death.

Sorry that things are bad for you. Of course you're life is worth living, you just feel down and overwhelmed. Sounds like quite a few things need to change, your diet and health and weight and your job so you can look at HRT. You need some goals and a plan to achieve them. What's the first step/s?

Lol. You make it sound easy. Thank you.

Losing weight. The job I cant quit... I wish though, its like a job that is anti-me. I cant go too much into it but its a binding contract.  And I have 2.5 yrs left of it....

Im done fighting myself... just done. I finally hit that point were you either transition or not... Im a female. So I could give two rats butts what anyone else say. That includes my family.... from this point on Im going to make myself a female.

Quote from: Wild Flower on December 06, 2014, 05:50:04 AMmy brain doesnt work right.... like I forgot what i heard a day or two later. Seriously I was going to have random hookup with some guy just to make myself feel better ... but I stop myself because thats pathetic. Im not a whore. But I want to be female so bad that when Im with a guy I feel female.

My brain is like yours. I try to see it as a positive. It helps me live "in the now".

I have gone through with the random hookups with guys. You did the good by not doing it. It didn't ever make me feel better, and one time, I found out the guy had AIDS. I was intoxicated that night, but thank goodness he used condoms, and my tests came back negative. (It can take a few months before you can trust the negative result of an oral test, since it takes time for the AIDS "thingies" they test for to build up) <What a horrible and scary time of waiting

We transition physically so that the world can see us for who we really are (female), but it is not a requirement, as being female is part of our person/soul not the body.

Have you seen a doctor or therapist yet? This would be a good first step. If they clear you for transition, you could easily start 6 months - 1 year before the end of your job and nobody would know... it takes time for the changes to happen.

I think seeing a therapist would be a great first step.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You might not be in the best spot right now in life, but in a few years you can look back at this time in your life and laugh at it! It's the tough times that make us stronger, if we accept the challenge.

Quote from: Wild Flower on December 06, 2014, 06:13:25 AM
Lol. You make it sound easy. Thank you.

Losing weight. The job I cant quit... I wish though, its like a job that is anti-me. I cant go too much into it but its a binding contract.  And I have 2.5 yrs left of it....

On the plus side you'll be getting the jumping into the deep end of the pool driving lessons. It just take practice. And after having driven several hundred thousand miles in the NYC metro area I can assure you even a total non-driver has to be better then some on the roads here.

Manhattan driving is totally fun if you have the right mind set and REALLY know your car. It's dimensions, how fast it can accelerate, brake, how sharp you can turn and how close you're willing to get to someone's bumber for a lane change while speeding. Well that's how I drive a lot when I'm in the car alone told it has to do with impulsivity from borderline personality.
To OP I'm glad you choose life I attempted the other thing twice in the last year and you don't feel better after wards. You end up hurting a lot of people you aren't even aware would be hurt. I still have trouble dealing with the guilt.

I was where you are.  I am not now.  Life is looking amazing from here, with so many options.

This is not a pep talk, it is a reminder that things can change for you.

I transitioned,  lost weight, slowly got my life back together.  I did it with baby steps, as I was depressed, I learned the science behind being trans, so I could understand what was happening to me.  I got help, from ladies here, endo and psych.  I went to hospital when things got really bad.  I got through.

I made it.

You can to.

Quote from: Wild Flower on December 06, 2014, 06:13:25 AM
Lol. You make it sound easy. Thank you.

Losing weight. The job I cant quit... I wish though, its like a job that is anti-me. I cant go too much into it but its a binding contract.  And I have 2.5 yrs left of it....

How about making yourself comfortable, some nice music, grab some makeup if you have any, and try it out. Have some fun with it. Maybe browse through some fashion magazines, cut out some styles you like and buy a nice piece, try it on. Maybe look in the mirror, have close shave, and think... can I do something to feminize right now? how about those eyebrows? (single most important thing you can change, even more drastic than FFS is shaping your brows) Enjoy yourself experimenting!

Quote from: Wild Flower on December 06, 2014, 06:13:25 AM
Lol. You make it sound easy. Thank you.

The thing to keep in mind is that most change takes time, especially when it comes to weight loss and transition and saving and therapy etc. There are no real quick fixes, just the intention to take the steps (even if they are baby steps) to achieve those goals. Most of the time we can't do these things by ourselves, find the right people to help you. You can get there!

Quote from: jojoglowe on December 06, 2014, 07:50:31 AM
My brain is like yours. I try to see it as a positive. It helps me live "in the now".

I have gone through with the random hookups with guys. You did the good by not doing it. It didn't ever make me feel better, and one time, I found out the guy had AIDS. I was intoxicated that night, but thank goodness he used condoms, and my tests came back negative. (It can take a few months before you can trust the negative result of an oral test, since it takes time for the AIDS "thingies" they test for to build up) <What a horrible and scary time of waiting

We transition physically so that the world can see us for who we really are (female), but it is not a requirement, as being female is part of our person/soul not the body.

Have you seen a doctor or therapist yet? This would be a good first step. If they clear you for transition, you could easily start 6 months - 1 year before the end of your job and nobody would know... it takes time for the changes to happen.

I think seeing a therapist would be a great first step.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You might not be in the best spot right now in life, but in a few years you can look back at this time in your life and laugh at it! It's the tough times that make us stronger, if we accept the challenge.

yes, an aids scare was the worst nightmare I ever had

Quote from: Wild Flower on December 06, 2014, 06:13:25 AM
Lol. You make it sound easy. Thank you.

Losing weight. The job I cant quit... I wish though, its like a job that is anti-me. I cant go too much into it but its a binding contract.  And I have 2.5 yrs left of it....

That kind of contract sounds like a lot of money.  Use that time, (2+ years), and money, (lucky you), to do those things you can do while on the job.  Like get your head on straight, (stop with the belly aching).  Lose the hair on your face, (again, time+money), and lose the weight.  The exercise will improve your metabolism and your state of mind.

Quote from: Susan522 on December 06, 2014, 03:33:13 PM
That kind of contract sounds like a lot of money.  Use that time, (2+ years), and money, (lucky you), to do those things you can do while on the job.  Like get your head on straight, (stop with the belly aching).  Lose the hair on your face, (again, time+money), and lose the weight.  The exercise will improve your metabolism and your state of mind.

No. It was probably the worst decision of my life (since it didnt go my way) I didnt get the job I went in for... but the contract binded me to the company.

I only make 20k a yr.

Quote from: Wild Flower on December 06, 2014, 10:59:35 PM
No. It was probably the worst decision of my life (since it didnt go my way) I didnt get the job I went in for... but the contract binded me to the company.

I only make 20k a yr.

Sounds an awful lot like the military :p

Hmm. It doesnt matter what it is... I am binded to it. ((I lost my 1st job because I couldnt read a map after trying for a month...))

It wouldnt be so bad if I enjoy the work. The root of all.my depression is from that guy who treated me special and then it turn cold. I wish he would have left me alone or ask me on a date. Now my TG dysphoria went skyhigh... when I usually can control it.

I fall in love. Got a hold of myself... now I feel like Im living an unworthy life because Im really am a woman but the world doesnt see it. My brain is so incompatible with my gender it isnt even funny. Everyday I yearn to be recognize as a woman... like its so strong.

My family doesnt know. Im scared but I think I must disown them because theyll see me as a joke... in the back of their heads. I remember my mother shaving my hair at one point... I never lived a life. Im just living for living sake.

Military is what you make of it. Honestly I spent way more time not working then anything else in my 5 years in the military. Best assignment was when I worked the overnight shift at the ER for West Point Military Academy. We rarely got patients after 10pm so after midnight we took turns sleeping till 5am. I played World of Warcraft on my laptop when I was awake. Maybe there's a way you can make your contract work to your advantage and find enjoyment in the job you have even if its not the job you want? If you end up becoming a driver you get a lot more freedom in a sense and you can express your self more, will the people you're driving to know its a male that's driving there? If not you could start easing into transition easier then if you were stuck at a desk.

Its really not my job causing my misery... its just a job. Its like gloom doom setting behind my problems.

Before I spoke to a therapist about my Gender Identity I basically got to the point where there was a voice screaming at me that she's had enough of the old me blundering through life. When it got to that point I brought up to my regular therapist and I also scheduled to see a gender therapist. It was actually right around this time last year. I saw her 3 times before we decided that hormones would be a good idea and by January 10th I began hormones and everything started to feel A LOT better. Mind you its not magic and my life hasn't totally fixed it self, but my dysphoria is definitely lessened I just wish someone would invent a way to grow long beautiful hair over night so I'd look less like a boy.

Lace wigs.

Yep doing the little things makes a difference. This is not something I wish upon anyone. Its like I dont know how to function in real life besides a monotone robot. Im just a robot at this point in my life. Im tired of it all. Im not a gay guy... since well Im not.

I wish someone accepted me when I was young... I show all the signs of tg; barbies, wearing dresses, shaving my arm hair plucking my eyebrows, never did masculine things, even dress as a witch (lol not a princess), but it was like no one knew.. i didnt know.... i guess my suffering will never end. I wasnt meant to be a guy. Im so feminine I cant hide it... nor deny it. Im more feminine than most women I come across. Its like being the ultimate girly girl trap in a dudes body.

I have like 3-4 wigs, I got sick of them, they definitely make me instant pass, I even have inserts. I wanted to be me without aids after I got out of the army, the wig was kinda mandatory with army haircut which is why hair is so short this far into transition. I didn't have anyone treating me like a girl my whole life. I spent 28+ years denying myself, I lived life how society wanted, joined the military, married a women (who now wants to get divorced), and had a kid. Eventually you need to accept yourself and decide if you're going to take the steps you need to get help, or if you're going to struggle with it the rest of your life or possibly break under the pressure. While I was denying myself I went to bed every night since I was 12 wishing I'd wake up as a girl, even after I was married.