Incurable GID.

GID seems to have become a permanent problem without permanent solution for me. Even after surgery, my GID isn't gone. Not that I expected it would be, but reaching my goal of surgery also didn't do much for changing the way I look at myself. I still feel that I have too many cues that reveal the opposite sex. When I scan my body in front of the mirror, I still see male cues among the female ones. These cannot be fixed. I feel like I cannot be cured, at least, the cure wasn't successful. I do not have any regrets about it, but I feel like I cannot overcome these physical boundaries, which influences the way I think and feel and thereby my GID continues to persist. I think my GID has not been cured, and I am not sure if it ever will. I still feel depressed and the urge to end my life sometimes.

The price I paid was high. I lost my work, family and friends. I have no one. And I can't seem to make any new friends, I just do not know how. This seems to compound my GID as it influences my non existing self-esteem. My career is shattered, I have start from the bottom again. I cannot get my family back, it is too broken. Friends can be made, but I am not sure how to do that. I do not have any debts, but I am unemployed. I can't seem to find someone I want to share life with, been alone for as long as I can remember. The holidays are close... and again, I will be staring at the wall or outside my window. Probably crying. Been like this for at least 10 years. There is no progress...

So what's the point of all of this... I think my transition was a failure. Failure upon failure, that seems to be the only thing I can master and be successful at. Looking at the future, I see nothing for me. I think that my GID is just incurable.

Maybe it is time to admit that I cannot be fully cured, and find a way to live and cope with that reality.

Or is it simply time to accept the same things that women accept at some point - that their bodies are not perfect, not what they wanted, and just move on. I'm a walking ad for male physical markers and yet I'm very rarely misgendered. I accepted those things I couldn't change and dealt with the things I could.

I refuse to believe that a transition can "fail".  I nit pick my face all the time and worry myself to death that i wont be able to pass...but then i realize Im willing to accept not being perfect.  Have faith sister, your beautiful whether you see it or not.  Trust

I have to apologize, I think this thread was way more dramatic than I intended it to be. I think I suffer(ed) from a post-op depression. I do think my SRS has helped to alleviate my GID greatly, and I think I confused with having a really bad week plus a post-op depression of some sorts. I am sorry, I guess I am still human.

I thought you just got laid.

Quote from: PinkCloud on December 06, 2014, 10:32:53 PM
I have to apologize, I think this thread was way more dramatic than I intended it to be. I think I suffer(ed) from a post-op depression. I do think my SRS has helped to alleviate my GID greatly, and I think I confused with having a really bad week plus a post-op depression of some sorts. I am sorry, I guess I am still human.

You mean to tell me that GRS will not make me a Goddess 

Actually, the thread is VERY GOOD. A poignant reminder that there are no magic pills. Self acceptance comes from within. It comes from the self. No solution is perfect. Every solution is a compromise.

Sorry, I would never have though that GRS would cure me of my gender issues anyway. Sounds to me like you are being overly harsh on yourself if you are still standing in front of a mirror finding "male cues"...that's just gotta stop. I'm glad your second post is acknowledging a bit of post op blues so I hope that mood lifts and you can get on with living your life.

Plus, what Kelly said.

@Ms Grace Yes I am too critical of myself. Even this morning, looked in the mirror and all I saw was cues that I want to erase. not sure how to fix it, other than FFS.

@JoanneB True... but reading it again, and I feel like it is excessive ranting. I know that words have power, and I don't want anyone to think that this is the norm after surgery. It might scare some away...

@Susan522 LOL, that too

Quote from: PinkCloud on December 07, 2014, 12:02:32 AM
@Ms Grace Yes I am too critical of myself. Even this morning, looked in the mirror and all I saw was cues that I want to erase. not sure how to fix it, other than FFS.

If you already pass and no one else sees or cares about those cues then accepting yourself, loving yourself, staying away from "mirror, mirror" is another way to fix it.

Quote from: Ms Grace on December 07, 2014, 12:09:57 AM
If you already pass and no one else sees or cares about those cues then accepting yourself, loving yourself, staying away from "mirror, mirror" is another way to fix it.

And right now is the absolute perfect time of year to try out my favorite reality therapy. Spend some quality time waiting on a check out line in a supermarket or Walmart checking out the women there with you. I always found it to be an ego booster

GID aside, the loss of family and friends, especially arouond this time of year, is a tough one to overcome. The way I look at this loss is this:
If they cannot accept who you are, and support you, then how much of a friend were they really? There is an old saying "You are what you do, when it counts" and when our friends are in need, when they are at their lowest, is truly the time we as friends, need to rise up and support them.

I cannot vouch for family, for I have little to none, it was a decision made for me long time ago.
Friends are another matter. Making new ones, as we grow older, is increasingly difficult. I have joined a couple of clubs, one being a photography group, and have found new people to talk with and hang around with. This has helped.
And while we cannot be with you in person, know that we *fully* support you in spirit, online here, and in our thoughts. You are stronger than this, rise above and defeat your doubts (sorry, that came off like a Jedi saying, you get my meaning)

I just wanted to say you are not friendless, I consider everyone my friend until they prove otherwise. I wish i could just teleport around, because as far as i can tell i don't mind spending time with people doing what they want. i find beauty in anything in this world. I came to terms early on i won't look perfect. but i can try to be the best i can.

PinkCloud, I think that I might know what it is when you see "male cues" in the mirror. It's not the whole story to say one just sees male-like traits in one's skeleton. It is as if you were seeing the Poison staying inside you and not being able to get it out of you. I think that if you were a genetic female and you would happen to have the same features, as sometimes happens with genetic females, you would dislike them very much as well, but it would be possible to come to terms with them using the approach that all females need to accept their body, as pointed out by kelly_aus. But since you not only see the features themselves, but also the "Male" behind them, it doesn't work for you!

Am I close? (well, basically, I'm not decribing you but me. I just think you might have it similar.)

There is one biological fact that might help you. You might be haunted by not being able to escape the male chromosomes which you see in the mirror. However, all tissues except for the ovaries/testicles are basically genderless! In the sense that they don't care about your sex chromosomes but instead just develop in the direction commanded by sex hormones. 99% of your body is the same tissue between both males and females. It just got somewhat different orders than in genetic females. It is like: on bad nutrition, the tissues of your body would have grown shorter, on good nutrition, taller, but it is still the same tissue.

And what's more, now your only tissue that is hard-linked to the sex chromosomes, i.e. your gonads, is gone. You're free in this sense!

(There might be some biological inaccuracies, but I think the basic picture is correct.)