This is a topic I'm quite curious on and I don't see covered much. I am personally quite a coward specially when it comes to transitioning. (I still present as male everywhere.) I'm not in accepting area and I'm still legally male due to state laws. How have you gained the courage to be out? I'm curious because my therapist has high standards for me to do stuff that can possibly end up with me being in bad shape.

I've seen a few people just do it bravely and not care of others opinions. I don't see how they do it, I care too much about being accepted in society. I'm also terrified of employment discrimination because of the things I've seen and how my family still treats me. My passing skill is basically non-existent. So I at least want courage, but unfortunately I don't know where to start for courage. Sorry if this is the wrong place.

I definitely feel weak and helpless when it comes to my transition. I am quite young 19 (in a technical college that says I can be myself shocking for it being TN.) I've also grown terrified of people in general due to dysphoria being so severe (I rarely speak to my family even though I live with them.) I abandoned thanksgiving but I shall not be able to do such for the rest of the holidays.

Sorry this seems like a rant but I just wanna know how everyone gets the courage to be free or go full time.
My therapist hasn't helped much with this.

Feel the fear, and do it anyway. 

I simply overcome it by doing it. I was terrified when I first went out as myself, all female. I thought the world would stare at me. Turned out, that it's not that difficult. I noticed that most people are so self-absorbed that they mind their own business and don't look, let alone stare at people. First time I got a couple of stares, but it was manageable. I live in a busy city, so a lot of people saw me.

In 5 years time, I was being called a transsexual, ->-bleeped-<- and the other T word 3 times. All of which happened in the 1st year. Which was the worst, because I was clueless about clothes, hair, makeup and looked incredibly slutty and immature. But I heard that many go through such a phase...

Courage, yeah, I guess if you just do it, courage will grow on you. Later on you'll also learn to have a thicker skin, and be less sensitive about what people say or think. One thing to keep in mind, which helped me a lot is to remember that nobody really cares what you do, wear, or own. Everyone thinks they are the center of the universe, and when you know that, things become less scary because when you are nice to others, they will be nice to you. So part of it is attitude. Try not to be so quickly offended or hurt, when people judge you or say something about your gender, they probably aren't personal and can only see your outside presentation on which they will judge you. Take it as a gauge in how well you are progressing in passing. They will let you know, and one day they will address you they way you want them to. That is the reward for your hard work.

I wish you good luck in your journey, it will take effort, discipline, patience and dedication, but it will be worth it.

Thank you for the advice it makes me feel a bit better. I'm probably going to try one small step at a time. The main thing that scares me is makeup. Lol judgement is a very strong thing in my family so it has caused me to have a lot of fear in the outside world (and employers haven't helped.) but thank you. Maybe this will help me stop hating myself too for failing.

Hi Skylar,

It's interesting you bring this up. Because I have always felt a need to be accepted in life, to fit in if you like. Yet the past six months has seen me put myself on the line, to fully expose to everyone who I am. This was to friends, family (including my young children) and on Friday, my entire team at work (140 people) - who mind you will advise through various means the other 1000 employees lol. I tell you, when I think about this it fills me with a level of excitement which is on the verge of fear, but I am mindfully trying to steer it in the direction I want it to go, which is joyful excitement. The relief I felt on Friday was something I haven't felt before. And the support I received from so many, including my CEO who came to have a friendly chat with me over a glass of wine.

So what's changed in the last six months for me to make me risk 'being accepted' in life? I really think it's simple, I decided to pursue who I know I am, and unless I was to do what I've done for 36 years, which is hide who I am, I just had to take a few risks.

But before I started transition, I asked myself a simple question: Am I prepared to lose my friends, family - including my children and my job? If I had answered no to any of these, I would have decided against transition. So being clear in my mind front about the risk I was taking, and being prepared for any consequences that may come of it, has helped me a lot in moving forward. What has also helped me is to make sure I remain in control of the situation. By that I mean I have a plan, a very comprehensive one. I also don't rush things. I won't be full time at work until June next year. That may change but we'll see.

So I'm not sure it's courage I have, but more a solid understanding and foundation for who I am and who I am becoming, and how I'm going to get there.

Bree xxx

That's very impressive breezyb :3 I about fall over just telling one person and it has to be done over messaging. Lol I have aspergers which tends to add to my social anxiety. If I'm able to find a job (which I haven't yet.) I'm so fearful of things because of male identification too. >_< I'm qualified for IT which is a good paying thing but I believe professionalism is what's stopping me from getting a job (because of hair length.) my hair without the extensions is half way down my neck (about 1-1 1/2 inches from my shoulders.)

Yes, good question. I advise that baby steps can be a way to overcome fears when going out in girl mode. Chose an area where you will feel safe, make sure you can leave if and as soon as you need to. So, not a night club or bar or the like, but maybe a shopping mall or street - you don't even have to buy anything or interact with people. Just be in public for a few minutes, and if you start to feel comfortable a few minutes more and so on until you feel maybe you've had enough. Or you could go to see your therapist in girl mode. Presumably their staff are under instructions to treat you respectfully no matter what gender you present as. My first time out was to see my gender therapist...mind you that required that I walk to the train station through a busy mall and catch a train. Part of me expected failure and humiliation and yet it never came, no one hardly even looked at me. It was a good first go and gave me the courage to try a second and a third time. The second was with a group of trans women in public, wow was I petrified but again, success! The third time was extremely public at a friends art show launch - a lot of people. I saw the room full of people and came close to bailing I was so petrified but I knew that if I just turned around and went home I would hate myself and berate myself afterwards. So in I went. And ended up having a great evening... one where I did a lot of speaking and had dinner and so on. So it was steps, increasing the complexity and risk - I could never have done the third night on the first time. Don't start with the hardest thing first but don't stay in the kiddy pool any longer than you have to.

Quote from: Skylar105 on December 06, 2014, 07:35:08 PM
That's very impressive breezyb :3 I about fall over just telling one person and it has to be done over messaging. Lol I have aspergers which tends to add to my social anxiety. If I'm able to find a job (which I haven't yet.) I'm so fearful of things because of male identification too. >_< I'm qualified for IT which is a good paying thing but I believe professionalism is what's stopping me from getting a job (because of hair length.) my hair without the extensions is half way down my neck (about 1-1 1/2 inches from my shoulders.)

Don't worry I think there's things you can do with long hair if you still want to present as male. And by the way, I work as a Business Analyst in a large IT department, so don't worry too much about the fact you need to work in an office. Beleive me I think it would be a lot easier that the other work locations in my industry, like a grain silo in the middle of regional australia lol. But you'll be really surprised at how supportive companies will be nowadays. but as Grace mentioned, baby steps are great. I see others jump straight into full time, and great for them, but it wasn't for me. I needed a clear plan and time to get everything in order. My first outing is New Years Eve, but it's a safe place, a gay bar and they have a huge party so really looking forward to it. Apart from that I haven't ventured out in full girl mode. I wear female clothes, but there androgynous and are just about making me feel comfortable.

It is an interesting question.

I've reviewed my changes recently when I was asked some very pertinent questions by a new staff member.

I had to admit I enjoyed bringing back the feelings, fears, hope, shock etc from about three years ago.

At that time I told my staff on a Friday afternoon that I was trans and would be transitioning into my female life. On the Monday I remember waiting at the pedestrian lights to cross the road to work with the breeze blowing on my legs, yep, Cindy was arriving to work in a skirt and blouse.

The actual doing it was easy. The people I work with were awesome. The people I didn't know didn't care and honestly nobody in any shop, pub, public place anywhere has ever insulted me as a transwoman. People really don't seem to care.

How did I get to the place in my brain that I could do it?

It was about six months previously, I was so terrified of going FT, I had so much to lose, then I woke up one morning with another hangover and another empty whisky bottle on the bed. I knew why I was a drunk, I knew I was hiding my pain. I knew it was killing me - death by fear.

I decided I had to stop being frightened. It was not courage that drove me, it was fear.

OK, Grace, Bree and I are Australians, and Australia seem to be very accepting but the fear is the same.

Actually, a few other things to keep in mind when you go out in public...

- most people are more interested in themselves and their own problems rather than you
- most people are more interested in their smart phones, iPads, electronic gizmos than anything else
- learn to walk confidently and look like you HAVE A RIGHT to be there, look scared or unconfident and people immediately think you're up to no good
- when in doubt, smile.

This is helpful to me too. Courage is definitely a big problem for me. the only thing I've learned so far for me is to trust my heart over my brain. my brain usually over thinks every thing which only makes it worse raising my paranoia and anxiety.... i started thinking about things way in advance, but as it came closer i just dropped it and went with my heart. it was odd that when i went female mode to my therapist that i had like zero anxiety the whole time going there. i just was like this is who i am, i planned this out lets do this.

I can relate to the fear issue. I go out on Thursday afternoon. I go to my therapist, gym (LGBT) and then group. All the locations are in 12th street from Locust to Market streets about 5 blocks ( the center of the gayborhood). I started in the summer. I wore sunglasses when on the street and they helped a lot, I do not know why. My first few times I had on 511 Levis and a top. Now I wear straight leg female jeans and a top. Next is my fitted stylish down coat which I will get in 20 days. I also go into places like a WAWA convenience store or Starbucks.

I do not dress slutty. I will add some light makeup soon

I will be expanding my presentation in time, I take small steps. Go slow and expand slowly.

I have found people do not care, at least in the gayborhood and in convenience stores.

The first time I was dressed I was going from the gym to group, 5 blocks away. Half way there were 5 or 6 drunk homeless guys (older) on a corner. One guy came up to me on my left side and started shouting and pointing at me. He was shouting you are xxxxxxx nuts. I stopped, turned my head and looked at him. I kept looking at him for 10 seconds then he became quiet and  backed up to the wall of a building and I went on my way. If felt so good to stand my ground. As I was walking away I felt so good about myself.

Another incident, I was early to group and I was standing on Market street killing some time and looking at people. A homeless guy come right up to my face, we stared at each other and he says I am not going to rob you. I am hungry, can you help. I always keep 2 dollars in my left pocket. I reached in and gave it to him while maintaining eye contact. He said thanks and left. Why did he come up to me? Did he think I am an easy target or someone who he knew would help?

Work
I am meeting with HR to review my plan. They have known I am Trans for 2 years. I was contacted by them (senior HR person) the day after I spoke with benefits and the Aetna plan coordinator to know what was needed to access benefits for trans surgeries and procedures. The more costly procedures require RLE. So, the work dress and disclosure issue and time line will be discussed.

Funny thing, I really like how I look and feel expressing. I forget what I am wearing and I am myself. It feels good.

I suggest to go slow and find places that are accepting. Then be yourself.

@ Ms.Grace - I still need to get involved with the trans community. (Still can't get there currently.) I think it would help. I'm also never up to good on other note lol. I'm always plotting evil xD. :3

@ Cindy - I would say all the people are awesome where I go. In my class a lot are accepting but there are a few stereotype Americans (I mean the stereotype for a country person.) I don't wanna describe it too much because it may offend a few. He just isn't the brightest bulb or have a light in the bulb period. Lol

@BreezyB - I hope so because people care so much about professionalism here that it's crazy. Basically they are at the point they don't care if you can do the job long as you can look the part. Lol

@Lost in L - It's kind of funny I can barely use my female voice with my therapist much less dress. My therapist is a online therapist too. Lol my social phobia has been damaged quite bad by my family. So it's generally why I'm terrified of people.

@Cynthia Michelle - That's a very interesting story :3 good advice too. I've been trying to get to a perpetual transition meeting (but it's in a bad area and I've been banned yes banned.) lol by my grandmother which owns my car. So getting to such a place would be difficult as it's a hour or two away. I mean I've been told by student services I can do whatever considering I'm protected federally. But with the people that are there it can end up being dangerous I also start to wonder if my therapist is trying to get me killed. >_>

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

When I first started taking on the trans-beast for real six years ago it was in rural West Virginia, about halfway between Pittsburgh and DC. Not total hick but far from the NYC area where I grew up and lived till then. Fear comes from not knowing, not being in total control, it comes from lack of faith in yourself, your feelings, your abilities.

My nearest support of any sort was a group 90 miles away. Better then the other 60 or so to get to a big city. There were others like me, at one time almost exactly where I was. I learned taking any step isn't a question of having the courage, or being brave enough. It really came down to "Which PAIN is worse?"

We are all pretty clumsy and awkward at first being out in the real world as the real us. It is expected. It isn't like you spent your whole life living that way, just a few minutes. Going to a support group presenting is good practice. Going out w/supportive friends is a good way to overcome fears. Always remember You Are Not Alone. My first daylight public outing was to my therapist. Even a safe space like that I anguished for weeks over. Mostly because I was afraid of where that one step will lead me closer towards. One more excuse lost. As it turned out, one excuse was lost. Totally blown away by lunch time with the required "walk around the mall" where no one paid one bit of attention to me. The Earth did not swallow me up. My wig was not singed by a direct lightning strike. Fear eventually gave way to the euphoria of being out in the real world as the real me. In time came me achieving my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman.

After that it got better. As most things do with practice.

I still harbor plenty of fears. Uncertainty is the biggest. I still live as and present male due to other life circumstances. I don't know if it is just I "want to", or "need to" go back to a life part-time or even full-time. All I know is right now is not the right time. Which buys me time to know when I come to the fork in the road, I'll choose wisely with no regrets.

JoanneB - I'm not really able to have faith in anything so it tends to be difficult to even trust myself due to my own perception of myself is worse than it really is. According to a few different people. Which makes me feel better to some extent. Appearance is definitely my weak point over anything and lack of confidence in such. It's kind of ironic when my therapist made mention of the same problem but she put me down in a subtle way due to my appearance.

But your story was definitely interesting to me and I'm glad to have all of you to offer advice in these things. I really do appreciate it.

It is not like the thoughts of others don't matter or sometimes hurt. I wouldn't call it courage either but rather determination. You want something so you have to pull trough. The pace depending on how badly you want it.

@kirey that's a interesting point of view. :3 I know how the feeling of others can hurt, and unfortunately knowing that today is registration for school today I know the lady is going to misgender me on purpose (because she's ignorant.) I could report it to the school services but usually they don't do much. I'm trying to figure out how to prepare myself for it. (Appearance is my weakest spot as I'm sure it is with some others.) when I'm misgendered as such it makes me feel like crap for days. But I do understand the emotional part too well. :3 misgendering is the main reason why I don't live much anymore because I got so tired of it.

How aboutttt, you wear what makes you feel comfortable instead of what you think you have to wear to pass? It is a shame but no one passes from one day to another. We all gotten that stage where people simply don't know. Judging from your picture (is that a wit though?) you look fine, but insecure people wil get picked on not caring whether they are trans, bi, different race than majority, big, small, etc.

Might sounds cheesy but just be you. Everyone is unique and weird in their own way but the more you think everyone else is normal and you really stand out, the more everyone else looks at you in such a way. If you feel there is nothing to be embarassed about then comments wont hurt you as much either. Sure, in my case it hurts when people laugh or laughed but how are they 'better' than me, in such a way that I am laughable or there to make fun of? Such people are trash you don't want to get to know anyway, you are better than that.

Rambling and can't edit text very well on my iPad x_x.

Haha it's my hair :3 the extensions are fake (my hair is about 1-1 1/2 inches from my shoulders.) and it's a bit difficult due to no income and the southern community is a bad problem. (No acceptance.) But I do appreciate the compliment it really helps me so thank you. :3   I wouldn't mind as much with the passing part other than the lack of so makes me feel like a failure. (It's bad to look at it that way I know.) more so than passing I have more of a problem with the pronouns people use regardless of what I say. :3

But you don't pass then? Do you know or have a feeling of why you think you don't pass?

Well some things I can possibly think off of the top of my head is my hair length isn't long enough yet without extensions, my other face angle is bad (pretty masculine), voice sometimes cracks (given.), and when I wear male clothes in public to avoid rude people. I usually wear a female polo to school (sometimes it has a guys dress shirt unbuttoned over it.) So there are a good bit of reasons for me not to pass. It'll get better when my hair gets longer and I get more brave. (I don't get to use makeup at all.)

I've always been concerned with my face structure though. Which I have some okay features I suppose that aren't like hyper masculine. I don't have much support here although the school did handle my problem in regards to being misgendered on purpose by the one woman. (She wouldn't ever mention gender until I came up.)