so, i have been for a long time, wishing more than anything to be a girl.  and since my realization and coming out to myself, getting to the point where i can start hrt has been my main goal and going strong towards reaching it.

but now that im actually scheduled for the hormone clinic in 2 months, all of a sudden ive become stricken with fear, but cant really figure out what im actually affraid of.

i know that to be able to be able to be happy with myself i have to do it.  but now im wondering if i will actually be able to.


been dealing with financial fears as well that i put ina different post.

the lgbt organization that i thaught was inactive in this area finally replied. after almost 6 months after contacting them.  and i guess they are active and provided me a link to their new page/name.  and they have a 2x/month trans support group.  but even though i want to go.  i cant seem to get myself to actually get out and go to it.
ive never been to a support group before, no clue what to do at one or what happens.  im not even on hrt yet or even look like i could be feminine at this point imo.  even though i want to belong it doesnt feel as though i should now.

why is it that my fears are just starting to show up, now that my prayers have been answered, and things actually seem to be going the way that i wanted them to?

I'm guessing that your fears are just now starting to show up because things are becoming real? Like, you said you have dreamed about being a girl, but dreams are easy, but now things are progressing, starting the journey, its becoming real, and it is hard, scary, unknown. I know that is scary for me too. If you are like me, probably had these feelings forever and did everything you could to keep em hidden, soon that is gonna change, so I think is normal to be scared.

Are you not going to the support group because you are scared or some other reason? Again, if you are like me, it is new, therefore unknown and scary. I always get like that lol..After you do it though, becomes less scary each time. Off topic a bit but, when I first wanted to start on hair removal, wanted to call and make an appointment, couldn't...so I thought, hmm, I will drive there and make one in person! So I drove there, parked, and sat in my car, too scared to go in....After like 30 minutes of trying to get the courage to do so, realized I couldn't, so I called! Called from the parking lot LOL! They didn't even answer when I did, but called me back a bit later since somehow I managed to leave a message, I think. First time going in and meeting her and starting, I didn't think would happen on first meeting so wasn't prepared really but guess worked out good cuz didn't have time to worry or chicken out of it, but now have no problems going and getting it done.

The best thing I can think to say is just take things slow, take baby steps. One thing at a time. Maybe next time they meet, give yourself a goal of just driving to the location, not going in, just driving there. Maybe then you will be able to think bout going in and attending, if not, try again next time. Just work yourself up slowly.

hmmmm, i would say i have had issues with change.   so far everything in my life has been fairly straight foreward.  boring and bland =.=

prolly fear of unknown and fear of change.  even when the changes are for the better, and are what i need.
or perhaps my sad excuse for a male persona trying to resist.

mmmm.   i did get a very weird question from my uncle, who is generally neutral on the idea asked, so what happens to (current name withheld for privacy) when you transition? does he die?

and while i know, i dont actually die, i just change.    from reading, i see alot of us tried to fit in as a guy.  some with success, some with failure.  but has anyone else's male side tried to fight back against the changes at all?

Quote from: Hanazono on December 10, 2014, 01:39:47 AM
could you be afraid of actual progress?

I did feel some fear whenever I tried out something new. But this fear was accompanied by a thrill of exploring the unknown (in a safe way, meaning, i had done my planning, my failsafes, fall backs, plans B,C,D...etc. )

ive got all sorts of plans worked out.  hmmmm, fear of progress.  i don't quite know that one.  i love making progress and trying to better myself, in most cases.

im even out to most of my family, except my grandparents.  i guess perhaps i have some fear there as well.  in the absence of having my biological father in my life my grandpa has pretty much become my father figure, and i am pretty much his "special kid" out of his children and grandchildren.    but he is extremely conservative. (ie.  hes become emotionally abusive in the past, because i was letting my hair grow out past ~2 inches cause it looks unprofessional, claiming ill lose out on promotions and raises and job offers, or could even lose my job for having long hair... lol)  anyways.  my step grandma being a alcoholic and pretty much runs my grandpas life and has split my grandpa from the rest of the family, im pretty much the only family member left that he talks to on a regular basis now.

hmmmm.  perhaps fear of disappointing him? cause of how much he has put into trying to help me throughout my life.  or fear of losing his support, cause i know when him, and my step grandma get word of what is going on, s*** will hit the fan big time between me and the two of them.

hmmm.   writing helps organize my thoughts.  thanks for reading and support.

Mai,

I think it's probably a good thing that you have these fears, since it shows that you are, on a conscious or subconscious level, thinking about what you want to do.

Here's a practical suggestion:  sit down quietly and write down the pros and cons of your life now, and imagine your life in the future, and do the same.  Identify the issues that are key, both on the positive and negative sides, and see how you can deal with them.  Be blunt and honest with yourself, and don't censor your replies.

I would say that starting HRT is a far bigger psychological step than it is a physical one.  It's an indication of commitment to change and, to some extent, a journey into the unknown future. 

Beyond my suggestion above, I would add one thing from my personal experience.  For my first 6-8 weeks on HRT, I almost daily had moments of great uncertainty.  Was I really sure I wanted this?  And then I would stop and say to myself, look, you're getting those breasts and access to a female body and life you've wanted for over 20 years.  And then I would be ok.  And as your mind and body gradually move into a more feminine space, you'll find life more comfortable.

Good luck Mai.  Embrace the change - it will make you feel alive.

xxx
J

Agreed with Julia . I just started HRT and trust me the first few days I felt more stress than enlightenment and I think that is pretty normal. But don't worry and think too much about now, how scary it is now, but what would you like 5 years ahead of you? Where would you like to stand then?