I'm really sorry to come on here and be depressing which I've done a few times now. I just feel so bad and it makes me feel like I'm doing something about it, even if it's only temporary. I've pretty much hinted a couple of times to my therapist that basically the reason I feel so hopeless about my situation is because there is no way with the way I look now that I could ever look female. She has not uttered a single word to suggest she disagrees with that. I get that she's supposed to not push any particular path on me, and I don't know maybe she will challenge that once we've gone through some other stuff, which would make sense to be honest, to cover all bases type thing. I've probably lead the conversation in other directions myself anyway, but I've definitely hinted at those concerns. Maybe she just looks at me and knows it would be an incredibly tough life because hormones wouldn't do much for me.

She told me a story about someone she sees who's life circumstances changed when they were 60 which meant they finally felt able to 'live as a woman.' She's used that phrase a couple of times in discussions, like HRT is just like something that is done on the side, like the main thing is people just one day decide to 'live as women.' I know it's probably the healthy way to look at it. I've seen enough discussions on here already to know that the general consensus is you have to be doing it for more than the physical reasons. But for a bunch of reasons for me personally the way I look would be the key thing determining whether I was happy or not.

I wasn't even sure I had gender dysphoria until a few weeks ago. Now I feel so sad that I've realised I do. I'm so sad for how I could have looked. I was watching a film last night with the actress Rebecca Hall in it, and I felt like crying because if I had figured this out when I was younger I think I could have looked like her. But not now. I went through puberty early and then the ugly changes started happening around age 18, particularly in my face. I'm big boned. Really big boned for my size actually. I'm 5.11 but I can run over the top of guys way bigger than me in my chosen sport. I work out a lot but I'm not even very strong in the gym. I just have this frame that allows me to be big even with a small amount of muscle on it. I have a massive pelvis which you might think would give me feminine like hips but it's so high and wide that there is no gap between the top of my pelvis and my ribcage. My whole upper body is just this massive wide block. I have no waist, so no room for fat changes to have an effect on HRT. I have stupid big feet, size 12 uk mens, which look silly for my body as it is because at my height that's a bit bigger than you'd expect. I have a massive head, big ears, big nose, big lips, big face in general. I actually used to be kinda good looking because I also had massive hair which kept everything in proportion. But that started falling out at 18 and now tbh I think I'm ugly. I think the way a receding hairline looks at the corners is so repulsive and I can't live with it. I couldn't live with it even if I was a totally happy guy. When I look in the mirror these days I see an ugly stranger looking back at me.
 
Does that sadness ever go away? Transition or not? I think letting these feelings in might have been the worst thing possible. I was going nowhere fast before but I definitely didn't have this crippling sadness that I do now.

Only nineteen year old boys can transition into nineteen year old girls. Then they grow into old women. If you're looking to avoid that, well, the human race hasn't produced a single survivor yet. It sounds like your issue is a lack of self acceptance. I can't understand why someone else's opinion of what you look like matters to your transition plans. I think the only thing your therapist confirmed is that you're holding yourself back.

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: orangejuice on December 10, 2014, 07:07:39 PM
Does that sadness ever go away? Transition or not? I think letting these feelings in might have been the worst thing possible. I was going nowhere fast before but I definitely didn't have this crippling sadness that I do now.

Certainly did go away for me, but I needed to transition for it to happen. The bald patches were no big deal - a wig took care of them. I know many women who are large boned. People can tell that they're trans, but they're so thrilled with their transitions that they don't care. They celebrate every day that they can live as the women they are, and they are some of the happiest and most beautiful women I know.

Will that work for you? I don't know. But I know so many people whose dysphoria faded with transition, that it's worth exploring with your therapist.

And the feeling of being ugly? Sorry, you're stuck with a little of that. Every woman I know, cis or trans, has some piece or pieces of their presentation that they feel self-conscious and uncomfortable about. Part of being a woman, and comes with the territory. Nothing to do but embrace womanhood and take the good with the bad.

Good luck OJ. I hope this helps.

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on December 10, 2014, 07:25:52 PM
Only nineteen year old boys can transition into nineteen year old girls. Then they grow into old women. If you're looking to avoid that, well, the human race hasn't produced a single survivor yet. It sounds like your issue is a lack of self acceptance. I can't understand why someone else's opinion of what you look like matters to your transition plans. I think the only thing your therapist confirmed is that you're holding yourself back.

Hugs, Devlyn

Hi Devlyn, you are right, I definitely don't accept myself, its just that I don't know how to change that. I totally admire people who can not care what others think, but I fear that might just be an attitude you either have you don't. It's not something you can just turn on... is it?  I could get into a whole deal about why my appearance would have extra importance for my own personal reasons, and not superficial ones either, but it would really be an essay which I've already done on here! Thanks a lot for the reply anyway I appreciate it.

Quote from: suzifrommd on December 10, 2014, 07:30:53 PM
Certainly did go away for me, but I needed to transition for it to happen. The bald patches were no big deal - a wig took care of them. I know many women who are large boned. People can tell that they're trans, but they're so thrilled with their transitions that they don't care. They celebrate every day that they can live as the women they are, and they are some of the happiest and most beautiful women I know.

Will that work for you? I don't know. But I know so many people whose dysphoria faded with transition, that it's worth exploring with your therapist.

And the feeling of being ugly? Sorry, you're stuck with a little of that. Every woman I know, cis or trans, has some piece or pieces of their presentation that they feel self-conscious and uncomfortable about. Part of being a woman, and comes with the territory. Nothing to do but embrace womanhood and take the good with the bad.

Good luck OJ. I hope this helps.

Hi Suzi, thanks for the reply. Ye I have heard that when people start transitioning all these things start to ease. I guess its really hard to know where I stand personally in terms of what chances hormones would have. I totally get that people are all different shapes and sizes, and I am sensitive to offending anyone who may have some of the things that I've described, such as being big boned. I just think for me there's one too many things about my body that I'd need a miracle in order to be happy. I suppose it is about acceptance from others but also from myself. I can't help but feel I'm a slightly different case to most others I've heard. I even feel like if people on here could see me go about my day they'd think there's no way I'm transgender. I'm not feminine in my mannerisms at all and I sort of wouldn't want to be.  I mean if I was a girl, there would be nothing out of the ordinary about the way I would act. I'd just be that type of girl that I like who doesn't expect people to treat them a certain way because of their gender. But deep down my emotional responses to everyday things, people and conversations, are way more female and I know I'd feel so much better and more capable of tackling life if I didn't bear that like it was some kind of shameful defect. But because of all the outward stuff which I wouldn't really want to change,  if I looked like a man, or even if I just wasn't passable, me being me I think would not only would make others uncomfortable but I think I myself would be uncomfortable with who I was. Maybe it is just self acceptance that I need but its hard to imagine getting there. Thanks though I've heard a few times now that what hormones can do is make you feel differently about that stuff so maybe its something to bring up with my therapist.

We love essays, rants, long-winded posts, you name it. These are the exercises by which people learn what they need to move ahead. What if I told you that in the years I've been here, I've seen countless people say that they can't accept themselves if they're not going to pass, then later say that once they accepted themselves they no longer cared about passing? Some day that will be you, when you realize that being happy with who you are is much better than being unhappy about who you aren't.

Hugs, Devlyn

I'd say thanks and that was what I was hoping to hear

 You can look at this as a curse or a gift.  When I accepted the gift I accepted myself.

Quote from: orangejuice on December 10, 2014, 08:11:31 PM
I'm not feminine in my mannerisms at all and I sort of wouldn't want to be.  I mean if I was a girl, there would be nothing out of the ordinary about the way I would act. I'd just be that type of girl that I like who doesn't expect people to treat them a certain way because of their gender. But deep down my emotional responses to everyday things, people and conversations, are way more female and I know I'd feel so much better and more capable of tackling life if I didn't bear that like it was some kind of shameful defect.

Luckily, when we're women, we're allowed to be whatever kind of women we are, right? If this is the sort of woman you are, you'll be in good company. A lot of cis women feel exactly this way.

Nothing shameful about being trans. You didn't choose this. Transwomen are an exceptionally courageous and resourceful lot. I'm actually proud of being a T-girl.

Quote from: orangejuice on December 10, 2014, 08:11:31 PM
But because of all the outward stuff which I wouldn't really want to change,  if I looked like a man, or even if I just wasn't passable, me being me I think would not only would make others uncomfortable but I think I myself would be uncomfortable with who I was. Maybe it is just self acceptance that I need but its hard to imagine getting there. Thanks though I've heard a few times now that what hormones can do is make you feel differently about that stuff so maybe its something to bring up with my therapist.

People are uncomfortable about things they're not used to. People with accents, people with birthmarks, people who are taller/shorter/heavier/thinner than average, those all make others uncomfortable. Until people get to know them. Then they're no longer "that really tall skinny woman" instead they're just "Suzi".

I wouldn't expect a lot from hormones, but living as a woman and realizing I'm just another woman, that was very powerful. My first few outings I was shy and scared. Now I'm so comfortable, that when someone notices I'm out of the ordinary, it surprises me.

Sure there are things that make me unique, some having to do with being trans, others not, but that's true of everyone, isn't it?

Never say never. Look at the before and after thread to look for inspiration. What hormones don't take care of it is possible that surgery can. And to be honest there are a lot of cis women with body issues so don't worry too much.

Your therapist is partially right about hormones being a side thing. For me it's part of the whole picture. The hormones will give some physical features but not all. It does help with emotional effects in that the dysphoria is drastically reduced now, but I still have my days. There is a lot that can be done - hair, makeup, clothes, voice, facial and body hair, attitude. I also doubt your bone structure is an insurmountable obstacle. Women come in so many shapes and sizes.

Most important though is not giving two hoots about what people think. Assert yourself in your gender and you will be fine.

Feet may not even be an issue as many have seen shrinkage on HRT. But even if you don't, so what? Rock it anyway and carry yourself like a woman.

I work in television meaning I see perfect people day in day out. They get everything done professionally - hair, makeup, wardrobe etc. High dollar stuff. Not only that but a lot of our on-air talent are highly attractive women. Can I compete with that? Not really. Can I be ordinary and feminine in my own way? Heck yes. That's what I'm shooting for. If I get a better result, gravy.

Good luck and I hope you find yourself.

Quote from: suzifrommd on December 10, 2014, 07:30:53 PM
Certainly did go away for me, but I needed to transition for it to happen. The bald patches were no big deal - a wig took care of them. I know many women who are large boned.

Pretty much all women don't like something about their bodies - it's part of existing as a woman and the messages we receive all of our lives about beauty. Even that gorgeous Victoria's secret model thinks she's fat.

As trans women we have another factor to fight that genetic girls don't - the effects of testosterone on our bodies.

You know, only a microscopic number of women have the looks to model for Victoria's secret. Most of the rest of us fit into the ordinary category.

Do you want to know what ordinary looks like? Spend some time at the mall really observing women and you'll see many of the same issues that you listed about yourself - women with facial hair, women with hair loss, women of size, and women with androgynous features. Notice how these women minimize these features with their dress and makeup. Even with these features they are accepted as ordinary women.

You have to decide if your gender dysphoria is severe enough for you to transition, and if it is then you will need to find a way to deal with your feelings about your appearance. As someone else said there are surgeries to help with some of these things, and hormones will help some too. A wig is not an unbearable thing to wear to hide hair loss (I wear one every day). We do what we have to. Women do this all of the time with dress and makeup; you probably aren't aware of it because it isn't apparent. For example, a loose fitting top can help hide a large upper torso. Notice this too when you are at the mall. If you know what to look for you'll see it.

My gender dysphoria vanished when I transitioned. I am happy now, even as a trans woman that's not 100% feminine looking. Life is good.

I know that you have some tough decisions ahead of you and my heart goes out to you. We've all been in your shoes.

~Eva

Quote from: ImagineKate on December 12, 2014, 07:34:21 AM
There is a lot that can be done - hair, makeup, clothes, voice, facial and body hair, attitude. I also doubt your bone structure is an insurmountable obstacle. Women come in so many shapes

Mmm I dunno. I've looked at a lot of amazing transformations. I do know what is possible. I feel like I have too many things that hormones or surgery can't change. My rib cage, the size of my head, my pelvis, my long arms big hands and ginormous feet. I know it sounds like I'm just focussing on the negatives. I actually do have some things that are quite feminine about my body, for example I have really soft skin. Particularly on my face, hands and feet and although they are big they are weirdly actually quite feminine looking. It's just that all the negative stuff is specifically stuff that can't be changed. I think I would always obviously look like a trans woman, it's just going to be whether I feel bad enough now to prefer that option. I'm kinda open to that possibility even. Or even just making some changes if possible but still outwardly living as a guy

But anyway thanks for the reply. I really admire your attitude. I really admire a lot of people on here I'm realising.

Quote from: Eva Marie on December 12, 2014, 09:42:47 AM
Pretty much all women don't like something about their bodies - it's part of existing as a woman and the messages we receive all of our lives about beauty. Even that gorgeous Victoria's secret model thinks she's fat.

As trans women we have another factor to fight that genetic girls don't - the effects of testosterone on our bodies.

You know, only a microscopic number of women have the looks to model for Victoria's secret. Most of the rest of us fit into the ordinary category.

Do you want to know what ordinary looks like? Spend some time at the mall really observing women and you'll see many of the same issues that you listed about yourself - women with facial hair, women with hair loss, women of size, and women with androgynous features. Notice how these women minimize these features with their dress and makeup. Even with these features they are accepted as ordinary women.

You have to decide if your gender dysphoria is severe enough for you to transition, and if it is then you will need to find a way to deal with your feelings about your appearance. As someone else said there are surgeries to help with some of these things, and hormones will help some too. A wig is not an unbearable thing to wear to hide hair loss (I wear one every day). We do what we have to. Women do this all of the time with dress and makeup; you probably aren't aware of it because it isn't apparent. For example, a loose fitting top can help hide a large upper torso. Notice this too when you are at the mall. If you know what to look for you'll see it.

My gender dysphoria vanished when I transitioned. I am happy now, even as a trans woman that's not 100% feminine looking. Life is good.

I know that you have some tough decisions ahead of you and my heart goes out to you. We've all been in your shoes.

~Eva

Hi Eva, thanks, I've got a lot of good advice on here and again I think you're right. I have been doing that. Looking at other woman more to try and notice all different types. Although I've got to say I find looooads of women totally beautiful without make up or all dressed up or whatever, which can make me sad, because in the very best case scenario it would be a huge effort for me. Thanks though. You look amazing in you're profile pic btw.