So...

A friend of mine was noticing a pattern in my behavior and asked if I'd want to know what she thought. She was really reluctant to tell me, mostly because she thought I would deny it. She started asking about my siblings, and I said I was the first to be born male after three females. Then after she explains some other things, she then states that I have an overwhelming amount of female characteristics compared to my male characteristics.

Up until a few minutes after she said that, I was denying it to an extent. Then something spanned, like a dam holding back repressed memories, and I instantly lost all denial. I began reflecting on events from my past, things I've done and thought of. I guess I could explain....

Started back in 5th grade, I would start having random thoughts about who I'd be if I were female. These memories were on and off up until now, but were a heavy influence on how I acted. In middle school, I lost all of my social skills due to thoughts clouding my head, I didn't talk out of the thought of saying something about my thoughts. I isolated myself and found a way to get through the days. In 8th grade, I put on my sisters bra, it felt so oddly correct, and I didn't ever regret doing it. I have the tendency to choose female characters in videogames, like gaige in BL2, or making my own female characters in MMOs. I've gotten attached to a certain female character in an anime because she was almost exactly the girl I come to agree would be me. I have had thoughts about changing, and did some research into it.

Biggest things she has noticed....
- I care for people, even if I've never met them. This may sound normal, but I get depressed and really gloomy if something happens.
- I have had friends in Runescape (MMORPG) that never knew me as a guy, I acted like a girl so well that I had around 30 people that believed the person behind the character was female.
- I have a figure very similar to my sisters, and I'm 138 lbs, 6'1".  I have a very low muscle mass, and I've been in intense fitness classes before and only managed around 3 pounds of muscle in a 6 month period.
- I have personality more similar to a girls than a guys, and that results in my female friends staying around, and my male friends end up not lasting long.
- I talk with reason and don't enjoy things that guys usually do. I'd take a Scion iQ over a truck or suv, don't know why.
- I get emotional to shows like a girl would, my brother could have dry eyes and I'll be crying softly.

I know that I'm messing up and missing stuff, I'm sick today.
I really just want to know your thoughts.

I'm posting this in a public place, on a phone. So I'll add the rest of the info that I forgot when I get home.

Hey Fuzzball,

you could have all the characteristics you describe and still identify as male. I certainly have many characteristics that people would describe as "feminine", but I still know that I'm a (trans)guy. I'll probably end up a very femme guy if I transition, but I'm still a guy.

So you should begin exploring how you identify. I take it that you are questioning your gender identity to some extent, seeing that you signed up here. So dive right into the fun We are here to share our stories, answer your questions, listen to you vent -- welcome!

I'd say don't put too much weight on what your friend said, but more on the way you feel yourself. Personally I've had lots of people tell me that I'm butch (I take this as a softer form of saying you act like a guy, because I've been told that too) when I firmly tell them I'm not. Then some of them start listing some of the things I do/say/like/dislike and go like, "see, you're butch." Not that this offends me or anything, I've always liked being told I act like a guy, but the way you act doesn't really have to reflect who you identify as. And I think the identity aspect is much harder to get at than the gender expression part; if I've read anything stated over and over again on this forum, it's that you should give it lots of time and thought.

As a side note: when I used to play runescape I had a male character, but I can't really remember how well I was able to present as male though.. I probably came off as a whiny 6th grader more than anything. I just hated the way the female character looked, and I remember very specifically that I had an "excuse" for why my character was male, because I used to play with my aunts a lot. Don't remember what that excuse was though.

I had something similar happen to me. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but about 6ish months ago I started asking if I was a girl. It seemed like all the right doors were opening for me and I did some experimentation and discovered that yes I am. The second I realized that, I had a flood of old memories hit me like a ton of bricks where I experienced moments indicating I was really trans some of them going back to 5 or 6 years old. I remembered some of them more than others. I too tried on some of my sister's clothing once and I was so scared of the fact that it felt right, that I completely 100% repressed the memory. I had a hard enough time living as a nerd. Being trans just wasn't an option. Fast forward to the past 4 years, I've been learning to accept myself for who I am and not what other people think. I thought I was really close, but there was a huge void. I thought it was the fact that I had been single for years. Once I came to terms with being transgender the void vanished and I'm happier than I've ever been. If you told me a year ago that I was trans and would be on hormones I would have said you're crazy, but now I can't see myself any other way than being a girl.

Yeah, I understand what you're saying, dark.

I knew about most of the things she told me before then. Her bringing them up and questioning me was like the biggest realization I've ever had.

I will try to explain my feelings and thoughts about this, but I may just end sounding like I don't know what I'm talking about. Around the time I was in 5th grade, I had a nagging feeling that something about me was incorrect. I would think about it enough to the point where friends left, grades dropped, and one day I just blacked out while in the lunch line. In middle school I started feeling a huge difference between me and the guys. I became emotional, tall, and slender. Around this time is when the thoughts about my identity became more clear. I started wondering what life would be like if I had been born a girl, I still do. My sister left a pile of her clean clothes on the bathroom counter, and I had the odd idea to try on one of the bras she had. As I was putting it on, I noticed that I was more calm than nervous. Got it all the way on, adjusted it, and it felt so right. I had no luck in dating up until recently, I was always the victim of the infamous friend zone. With my friend asking me about my feelings and thoughts, I had a sudden rush of memories as if she had pulled the one pebble holding the dam together. I had some depression that has yet to come back as a result of my talk with her. I was really clingy with my current girlfriend, now I'm not. I had issues talking to people and speech in general, now I can speak to someone clearly and with little nervousness.

I have thought about transitioning since I was 14, and now that I'm almost 19, it's possible that I might do it. I feel as though I should do it, I identify myself as a girl at heart. I just feel that my physical body doesn't quite match up with the spiritual one.

Thank you guys for listening, and for the advice, I really needed it.

Something made me really happy the other day, choosing the name by which I'd identify as. It's a name that I use in Runescape and have come to love heavily.

Vulynn.

I did notice recently that when my friend refers to me as a girl, I like it and it feels right, but when someone calls me a guy it makes me uncomfortable.

So now a few more people in my Runescape group know of this. We chat on Skype, and up until now they have called me Brandon. Now that they know, most of them call me Vulynn and refer to me with her and she.

Really comfortable with that, all I did was get a little nervous when they started talking. I'm happy with accepting Vulynn as the person I am inside. I also found out that there is another person like me in the clan. :3

Sounds great, Vulynn! Just keep exploring! Sounds like you're on the right track. Just take your time

Quote from: adrian on December 10, 2014, 09:27:19 AM
Sounds great, Vulynn! Just keep exploring! Sounds like you're on the right track. Just take your time

I definitely will take my time, I'm not going to jump into a life changing transition unless I know that I'm ready. As of now it's just me coming to understand all of the things that I need to know.

Are you wondering if you are transgender? It's possible but you should discuss these issues with a gender counsellor and explore what it means to you, how you might like to proceed, etc.

I'm not questioning it anymore, I just don't have any idea of what to do. I don't have a working car atm, and my only other option is my mom (who I don't want to tell out of fear of it making its way to my religious relatives). So going to see a gender counselor would be next to impossible. For now I'll just do research and get to know myself better.

I shaved my body for the first time about a week ago. I had always heard from people that shaving anything other than your face is a girl thing, and being that I identify as a girl... I was in the bathroom getting ready for a shower, saw my razor, and just did it. I sucked at it... but after I fixed what I messed up, it was amazing. I was actually thinking about using lotion afterwards, but couldn't find any and gave up.

I actually had a dream like 2 days ago where I was a girl, I was with my friend, the one who helped me come out, and we were hanging out together.

I did all of that, but the shaving part was my therapist's idea. She said that if I wasn't comfortable with the idea of shaving now how was I going to be able to deal with far worse things after coming out. I shaved that day as a result. Let me suggest that you invest in sugar scrub from bath and body works. The worst part about any hair removal method (I tried shaving, veet, and epilating) is that the hair grows under and along your skin. Sugar scrub helps remove some of the dead skin and makes it easier for the new hair to come through so that the next time you shave you won't have to dig to get to it. It also feels and smells amazing.

Hi Vulynn,

Quote from: Electric Fuzzball on December 09, 2014, 05:04:16 PM
I had issues talking to people and speech in general, now I can speak to someone clearly and with little nervousness.

This has happened to me, too. It's amazing.

Quote from: awilliams1701 on December 11, 2014, 10:39:43 AM
I did all of that, but the shaving part was my therapist's idea. She said that if I wasn't comfortable with the idea of shaving now how was I going to be able to deal with far worse things after coming out. I shaved that day as a result. Let me suggest that you invest in sugar scrub from bath and body works. The worst part about any hair removal method (I tried shaving, veet, and epilating) is that the hair grows under and along your skin. Sugar scrub helps remove some of the dead skin and makes it easier for the new hair to come through so that the next time you shave you won't have to dig to get to it. It also feels and smells amazing.

Yeah, maybe I should get some of that, didn't know what I was doing when I started and shaved against the grain x_x. I had wanted to shave for a few years, but feared doing so because I live in a fairly intolerant community, I live way out in the country (we did fake bills in class, the only one to not pass was the gay/lesbian marriage act, 75% said no... It was a very sad day to see my classmates do that). I was afraid of being the new victim of bullying.

My friend kept suggesting that I do it, even way before she questioned me. I really wanted to do it, and finally one day got a chance. My mom had come home from work and had a basket with random stuff in it. I saw what looked to be a razor popping out of the side. I asked her who she bought it for, and she said that she didn't buy it.

So now I have one of those new Proglides from Gillette. I'd have to say, feeling smooth skin makes me feel really close to Vulynn.

Quote from: jeni on December 11, 2014, 11:11:49 AM
Hi Vulynn,
This has happened to me, too. It's amazing.

=3
I love it because I can talk to people without getting choked up or lost. Coming out gave me so much self confidence and took care of some of my insecurities. I don't know what I'd do without my friend.

I've noticed quite a few things about my behavior and actions since I came out that are changing/resurfacing.

-I've started to cross my legs more feminine
-I'm no longer trying to hide the soft part of my voice
-I let myself cry instead of holding it in
-I've become really annoyed with my birth name, yet very comfortable with Vulynn
-I have the urge to dye my hair =3

I was also in a Cards Against Humanity game with my friends online yesterday. The card that came up was "I am a victim of ____", and I had a card that said (and I don't know if this is appropriate, but) that said "balls"

"I am a victim of balls"...... it was like some comedic superior force knew I was there and wanted to tease me... 0_0

So, I guess that I wasn't being the nice person that I thought I was (To myself and others). I took the time to think to myself of all the views I have on things.... people, subjects, interests, myself. I realized that I that my thoughts were fairly negative, or just downright rude and selfish.

I feel sick at some of the ways I used to think... it's like I was some evil person before. My mind was such a broken and dirty place...

As of now, I have dropped most of what I used to believe. I opened myself to more things that I used to have problems with.

I would love to tell everyone about it, but I just don't know if people will be fine with what I had to let go of to get to how I think now.

It's fantastic you are being open on here, it looks like there's a lot going through your mind.

Love the CAH play. Sometimes it feels like the powers that be are trying to tell us we're on the right track. My daughter was teasing me a few days back by saying, "Daddy, you're not a boy you're a girl!" I chuckled. It wasn't hard to play along.

Re: your old attitudes, etc, try not to dwell on those. You can't do anything in the past, only now and the future. Your awakening sounds like a wonderful, positive thing.