I recently started talking to an old friend after several years. Emma was one of my best friends in middle school and my first year of high school. She had a rocky home life and got pretty deep into self harming and drugs. We stopped talking when I moved and only recently she contacted me on Facebook. We started talking slowly and exchanging our war stories of the past several years. She was happy that I finally came out and started being myself, and I was thrilled to hear that she was in rehab and in line to get a good job. She was super supportive and even took it upon herself to binge read everything about trans issues. She was bulimic and I read up on it and we talked about everything in the last few weeks. She was almost finished with her associates degree and was going to work part time while she did her undergraduate degree.

I got a message from her mother less than two hours ago. I was the last contacted person on her phone. She died today from self inflected wounds. Her mother told me that I had been the only person she had talked to recently.

I come from a drug addicts home. My mother has struggled for years to get clean. It tore our family apart half way (my father and his abuse did the rest). My mom was finally clean and I've seen that there's hope. It's a forever battle, but it can be done. I shared my mothers story with Emma and told her that it was a battle, but one that could be won. That she wasn't alone.

I don't know how I feel. I cried for a while.  We weren't that close, honestly, but somehow the fact that I was the last person she talked to hurts. We talked about games we liked, tv shows and lamented that it was the mid season finale for walking dead. The last picture she sent to me was a meme from walking dead. I didn't know anything was wrong. She Skype'd me just to blow a raspberry in my ear. She seemed so happy.

Hell, I don't know what I'm saying. I just feel like I should have known. I've been at that point before and I should have known. She had been one of my best supporters and she was great and I feel like wasn't there.

Sorry for ranting. I just needed to get this out.

So sorry for your sudden loss.  I can't imagine how gut wrenching it must be.  You were a good friend.   Prayers and healing thoughts.

Chris

So sorry to hear this. I had a similar situation with a friend from high school several years ago. By all accounts it sounds like you were an excellent friend to her, and you absolutely shouldn't blame yourself or feel guilty. Hugs.

So sorry for your loss, Ayden. That must be very difficult. But please try not to give in to those "I should have known" thoughts.

:hugs:

I'm so sorry .  It's terrible to loose a friend, even one that's not so close, to suicide.  I've been there, and it seems like such a terrible loss when a person who seemed to be getting their life together dies by their own hand.  It's a loss to the people who knew them and a loss to the whole world-- every life matters.  And mourning someone who died by their own hand is different from other kinds of grief.  There's more anger, usually, and more guilt.  That's normal, but hard. 

I'm just sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry for your friend's pain.

I'm sorry for your loss, Ayden - and I want to echo those who have said that you can't take on the burden on "should have known." People who (no longer) want to reach out for help can be very, very good at hiding what's happening. It sounds like you were a good friend. Take care of yourself.

I'm sorry for your loss. You couldn't possibly have known.

Quote from: Jak on December 12, 2014, 02:47:33 PM
People who (no longer) want to reach out for help can be very, very good at hiding what's happening.

That's also a really good point.  There's this thing that happens with some people who commit suicide-- many don't do it at the bottom of a downward spiral.  They often appear to get better once they've made the decision, and they won't give any signs or tell any one because they've already made up their minds.  And when that happens, there's no way for anyone to know-- even very skilled psychotherapists often miss it.   

I'm sorry to hear this happened. It's scary and sad when a friend dies.

My sincerest condolences, Ayden.  And Jak's right.  Some people are very good at hiding what's really going on for any number of reasons.  Hell, I've got the manly 'bottle that ->-bleeped-<- up' thing going very well.  God only knows what she was going through.  But it sounds like you two bonded a little, even though you say you weren't close.  The conversations you had probably meant a lot to her.  It's the little things, you know.

We're here for you.  Grieve as long as you need to, but don't beat yourself up.

Thank you all. I had my night of sadness. We weren't close recently but we had been. I've been talking with her mother and sharing stories from our youth.

I know logically that it isn't something I could have helped. Emma had a hard road and I don't harbor any anger toward her. I know she had it rough. I'm focusing on the positive and I keep telling myself that at the end, she was a beautiful woman with an awesome heart.

Again, thank you for letting me get this out here. This forum really is a family.