I wrote a long windng post, but I basically wrote down my whole
life and didn't want to post all of that here. Still, I feel I'm
getting so much from this forum that I should be giving something
back and at least introduce myself. You are all my heroes. And I
think we are all some of society's heroes. Everything is changing
fast. There is a revolution. The clear distinctions between female
and male, feminine and masculine are disappearing fast, and at
the forefront of this revolution are transgender persons.
Growing up I never thought about being or becoming a girl. It was
more that I hated myself. I came out as gay. Didn't quite connect
with other gay persons. Started crossdressing. Got caught. Stupid
#ยค(/# colleague started spreading rumours about me. Was suicidal.
Nothing much happened. Don't know what has happened to those rumours,
just know that they were very nasty (and very much true). I don't
think I've ruined my career but the thought of it still jumps at me
every other day and instantly gives me a panic attack.
I would like to move more towards femininity, but I feel that those
rumours are making it more difficult. I always read people saying
that you can change your hairstyle, fix your nails etc. and noone
will notice it. Problem is, people WOULD notice it on me due to all
that gossip. I feel like that son-of-a-bitch robbed me of my
experimenting phase.
Anyway, I'm still waiting to see a gender therapist. It feels like
I'm in some sort of haze all the time. I've come out to a female
friend of mine, she is supportive, but she is also a very busy person.
I feel so isolated in all this. It feels like I've forever damaged
my "male" reputation. I've gone too far to go back, and I've put
myself in a tricky situation which makes it very hard for me to
go forward. I'd like to just move and start all over but various
commitments make that impossible for at least a few years.
I'm approaching 30. My brother is older than me, looks very much alike.
But I can see how the testosterone has made his jaw line more prominent.
Looks more masculine. I don't want to become like that.
