Wrote another novel in my journal... thought Id share.  Maybe I am a nut.   

I have to realize that my resistance to what is will only cause my resistance to my life in general.  Lets put it this way, if someone is rejecting me for who I am, then I must accept them for who they are and that they are rejecting me.  To not reject them and continue the negative cycle.  I am who I am and I have been me all along.  Repressed and outwardly being the opposite of how I feel.  Things in my youth are coming back to me. My emotional connection with myself is returning.  I am finding more things revealing my real inner self.  At work, home, the store, I just feel different.  It feels good but I cant help but to wonder what it would really be like to just allow myself to be.  I cannot do HRT at the moment, but in time I will probably go that route. 

So my family will most likely reject me at first.  Some of them might for the rest of my life.  Thats okay, but its only okay because I will not reject them.  I will not fall to that level of judgement and say that I don't want them in my life.  I will not pull that into who I am.  My father would reject me and he wouldn't understand.  Nor would he try.  I accept that.  It is who he is.  Not who I am.  For once I am accepting myself and it feels good.  Things are getting better in my life.  I just see that all the heartache throughout my teens and 20's were a result of me going against how I really should have just been.  Resisting myself, resisting life basically leads to heartache. 

I find it funny lately how clearly things are presenting themselves to me.  I opened a can of worms by being honest with myself.  A very bright colored can of gummy worms.  Lmao!

So my can of worms is open.  At least to myself.  Most of this week has been really positive since joining this site.  I've been on these sites before, Ive read this stuff before, and yet even that got repressed.  No more.  No matter what decisions I make along the way I will own how I really feel on the inside.  Nothing but heartache otherwise.

I think for many of us there is whole shelf full of Can O' Worms just waiting to be opened.

Thanks for the share!

 

Maybe I shared too much.  What I read and see here just inspires me to really look at how I have always been.  Ive been calmer this week but way more excited about life.  Have my moments though where I feel odd and sorta depressed. 

Can of worms is no joke. I'm in the same boat you are it would seem. Hope it sails us somewhere awesome!

Quote from: TrishaJane323 on December 11, 2014, 02:14:05 PM
Maybe I shared too much. 

Not at all!

Things will be in order and how they are meant to be... some place good I believe.  For today I need some cute new panties. 

 

This can of worms is like an old box of treasures from so many years ago.  Once almost forgotten about.  I find so many things in this box of treasures.  Today I remembered why I use the name Trisha.  I had forgotten.  It's based off my grandmothers name who passed away many years ago.  Patricia.  Hmmrrph!  How could I ever forget that?!  The funny thing about this box of treasures though is its full of things that should have been forgotten.  Old pain and moments of being judged for being slightly different.  Ohh well right?!  I found lost pieces of me.  It's like a twilight zone at the moment.  I'm sure in coming months things will settle down.  The past week or so being full circle with my life has left me anxiety ridden and sleepless.  Excited, scared, and a little wired!  It's wonderful though because I feel like with enough work my life will match what I really feel inside.  Patience will have to get worked into my daily thoughts.  I have to get back living in the moment and just smiling for the sake of smiling.   

Treasure box. I like that!

I echo all the sentiments you've expressed here exactly. I'm starting to be able to sleep and eat just a bit now as I calm down more and the whirlwind of emotions begins to dissipate. Feeling more peaceful inside. It's been like there's this giant raw nerve in my chest and stomach that's been pummeled by feeling ways about things. I'm not sure I've ever experienced emotions (other than anger) in such a physical capacity, it's freaking exhausting.

Keep smiling

<3

Hi Trisha,

I like you attitude toward accepting who you are, you go girl.

I remember the moment I accepted who I am; I was in total panic. The people here helped me until I had my intake.

If things get difficult keep the lines of communication open and we will be here for you.

Awww thank the both of you!! I was just reading on more things a moment ago.  I'm working really hard to keep my smile and positive.   Seems like the more I find in me the less my life makes sense.  Friday was hard and I didnt know why.  Now I do...  when things come together and work out Ill finally be on the right set of tracks...  for now is backtracking and relearning me. 

And "Idonteven" I know anger well.  Its always the easy cover for being a man.  Its predictable though.   I work with all men.  Its funny but I always see how things play out.  Im always eemotional. ...inside.  Im working at it all...

I will for sure be open here.  I think to come and talk here all day long.  Friends are few in this phase of my life.  I have 2 right now but to come out.. I might have zero.  I love Susans place.  Knowing I can talk here puts me at ease and makes me smile.  Thank you Cynthia, you have commented before and I love your ray of sunshine!