sometimes I can't even tell the difference between actual nonbinary feelings and me being mean to myself or in denial
for example I have struggled with the name thing for a long time
for example a lot of the time I feel like I really don't need to be completely rejecting of my birth name the way most FTM people seem to be
I feel like my birth name will always be part of me
but I also know that I need to be Jason to feel whole
I can't tell how much this is just a nonbinary thing and I need to let it be how it is and how much it's that I still can't completely accept that the name I've had for 18 years is wrong and I need to push myself to move on and reject my birth name.
does anyone else feel this way ? how do you tell the difference?

So many complex things going on - whether you feel non-binary, whether you think it is you denying the fact you are a ftm. Feeling some obligation to your name which could be for many reasons, and feeling like this is not the same at other ftm's.

Some things are pretty clear though. You are not comfortable with your birth name. After 18 years you would know by now if you were going to be comfortable. It was not wrong, it just does not feel right. You like the name Jason and that makes you feel good.

Change is not easy. But here is no hurry to change this. You can try it out, be a trial Jason. You might go back and forward on it and that is ok. No hurry at all. And there is no need to reject your birth-name entirely. You could even try putting it as you middle name as a nod to the history it has with you. You don't have to feel like other ftm's as you are your own unique self and your needs and desires are just as valid. Give it another 18 and see how it feels 

Hugs xx

Hi Jason,
How does that sound to you?  If good, then that is a start.  It isn't that your birth name is wrong.  It is not, but is it useful?  My birth name is Doug, my name is Julie.  Julie has significance to me, I adopted the name of a young woman who helped me discover myself long before  I could understand dysphoria, or gender fluidity, or much of who I am.  Doug is no longer descriptive of me, but some in my family call me that and I am not offended.

A name is a label, a good name imparts information.  An inappropriate name obscures meaning.  What does Jason mean to you?  What image does it conjure?  What about your given name? Is the picture pleasing?

Nicole suggests a trial.  Good idea, play with names.  There is no rush, and no perfect answer.  Only the answer that is perfect for you.

Julie

julie- My idea of how trans people are "supposed" to feel about their names comes from a trans guy friend of mine who refuses to say, write or have anything to do with his birth name. So the fact that your obvoiusly not like that since you wrote your birth name makes me feel better.

Hi Hon,

It took me quite a while to be comfortable in my name, I did originally change my birth name to a feminised version of it (Peter to Peta) and use Cindy as my middle name, now I am very comfortable as Cindy, but it takes a while. As Julie said your name reflects you and is the first point of call when meeting new people so don't hurry into it, you will know when you are ready.

also right now this is what I look like [/URL]. I obviously could try a little harder on the whole passing thing. I'm not sure if the reason I don't is because I really don't want to or that's somehow out of meaness/denial too....

Swap out the glasses, play with your hair, put on a collared shirt and you can pass as however you choose.  How old are you if I may ask, you look very young?  If you are over twenty, with your face shape you will mostly be read female.  To be seen as non-binary you will have to push the clothing and accessories that way.  Regardless you look healthy and attractive.  I think as with everything, you get to decide.  Oh, Jason btw I resurrected a conversation about names that you might find helpful the next time you pop in.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,173104.0.html

Peace

Julie