It's not quite a coming out letter, but close to it. I'm going to be pretty anxious until she responds.
"Hi mom,
I know this is long, but it's very important to me that you read this and give it your full attention when you have time.
It has recently been brought to my attention that you are worried about me and my identity. It probably started after you noticed me binding (flattening my chest) a few weeks ago. I did this here and there in high school, but you probably didn't notice because my methods didn't work as well. I've been told that the reason you're worried is because I seemed to be "feminine and happy" until Clark. I'm writing this letter to walk you through my 'gender journey' from age ten or eleven to now. Please read it slowly and carefully. I've been thinking hard about all of this for years.
When I was a kid, I predominantly used male online identities. (I know it's not unusual for kids to explore gender in this way, but bear with me.) On neopets, my first 'name' in fifth grade was Blake. I told someone on the site that I was actually a girl, and was told by them that wanting to be a boy was immature and a phase. I was embarrassed and I deleted the account.
However, I ended up making a new male account shortly after with the name Trainer. This time I didn't tell anyone I was a girl. I can't exactly remember what events happened in fifth grade and what in sixth, but I'm sure you remember that around this time I cut my hair really short and was occasionally mistaken for a boy. I loved when that happened. For a while I used to fantasize about waking up as a boy.
Around six/seventh grade, my friendship with Sky and Lexi was getting stronger. They taught me how to be 'cool', encouraged me to dress and wear my hair in girly ways (hence growing it out and getting highlights), and, if you remember, Sky would even come shopping with us sometimes and pick out clothes for me. I thought this was all very fun, and through seventh and eigth grade I had a good time being girly. Toward the end of eighth my style started shifting to punk, and my friends tried hard to discourage that, but I was ready to do my own thing.
Freshman year of high school, as I'm sure you remember, I was pretty depressed (though I denied that whenever you asked) and kind of isolated myself from friends. I started styling my hair kind of freakishly and wearing lots of black, baggy clothing. I liked looking different and weird, distancing myself from traditional femininity, etc. It's hard to say why I was depressed.
(The letter is about to get very personal and include things that have been some of my biggest secrets, so please read slowly and carefully and try not to judge.) I knew that everyone was having sex around that time, and naturally, as a sixteen year old, I was fascinated by that. However, whenever I tried to imagine myself having sex, it seemed so wrong and disgusting. It occurred to me around that time that I wished I had male 'parts' so that I wouldn't have to confront the idea of having sex with a female body. For some reason, the thought of having sex with a flat chest and male parts felt completely right, but not in a million years with the body I had. I thought that I was the world's biggest freak for thinking these things, so I never told anyone. I just quietly identified as asexual.
Sophomore year (or was it the end of freshman year?) I cut all of my hair off, back to the way it had been three years prior. I immediately felt much more confident. I started dating mike and expanding my circle of in-school friends a bit. Part of the reason that Mike ended up breaking up with me was because I wouldn't let him do sexual things. I couldn't even let him touch my chest OVER my shirt without feeling like crying. I didn't know what was wrong with me to make me feel this way about my body and I used to tell him that, and he concluded that I was a prude.
As you know, around this time I started dying my hair in crazy ways and experimenting a lot with my style. It was fun and my depression was going away. I stayed away from boys and turned a few down, telling myself I wouldn't date any more for a long time. I continued to wear baggy band-T's and was still occasionally confused for a guy by store clerks, but a couple of the hairstyles I cycled through were more 'female'. I payed less attention to the gender and more attention to what looked cool. However, every time I wore more feminine outfits to school, I felt totally bad and self-conscious before second period. I couldn't understand this, and I thought that it must be due to shyness.
I remember you used to ask me sometimes why I dressed slobbily for school, and you once tried to reason that I could be "goth but still girly". I never really knew how to answer so I would just get upset. I remember one conversation we had in the car where I started to explain the difference between sex and gender. I had been learning about it recently, and I felt very excited about the new terms and concepts, although I didn't necessarily think they applied to me. You disagreed with the concept initially, and for some then-unfathomable reason I started to cry. This confused you and you asked why I was crying and if I was trying to tell you that I was "a man", and I insisted that I wasn't.
Obsydian started when I was a senior (I think, or it could have been in the summer. I don't remember.) During gigs, I generally wore my black button up shirt with skinny jeans. During the summer before Clark, I would sometimes wear a tight tanktop to gigs. I have distinct memories of looking down at my bass, seeing my boobs, and feeling suddenly self-conscious and wishing I was in a baggy shirt.
During the summer before Clark you took me shopping for clothes. I was determined to make friends in college, so I went for normal. Normal for a girl means at least a bit feminine. You were happy that I was picking out feminine clothes, and I felt happy that you approved and hopeful that it would help me to seem normal at school. I genuinely liked them, and still do, because I like pretty things.
I soon found out, though, that I couldn't tolerate pretty things *on myself* for very long. Partway through freshman year, I cut my hair off again (much shorter than you would've liked) and started to revert back to my old clothing. I remember a few conversations with friends that year about gender, in which I would always get upset and even once or twice told them that I wished I was born a boy. In the summer after freshman year, I cycled between feminine and not, and feeling weird and bad about my chest and feeling okay.
Early this year, I started binding with ace bandages. I would flatten my chest while wearing feminine clothes, sometimes. I didn't get the idea from anyone at school. When I was in Pinkerton I occasionally did the same thing. I'm not sure what prompted me to start this year, but it felt really good emotionally. I started asking myself one day how I would feel if I didn't have boobs, and my answer to myself was 'liberated'.
I told Brad about some of this because I know he struggles with gender and would understand. He ordered a chest binder for me because he's an incredibly good friend. I've been wearing it every day. That's what I was wearing at Best Buy when you noticed. It's been such an incredible confidence boost.
-part cut out for personal reasons-
I'm probably not going to wear feminine clothes anymore, at least for a while; I'm not going to keep trying out tight tanktops with regular bras and short-shorts and talk myself into thinking I'm comfortable. If I were born a guy, I would probably like wearing feminine clothing like that sometimes, but I wasn't, so I can't handle dressing that way. I probably understand those particular feelings as much as you do, which is not much. This year, though, I've been embracing my feelings thanks to the help of friends who make me feel like they aren't freakish things to feel. I'm going to keep binding and buy men's jeans. It will be like an experiment to confirm or deny whether I've finally pinned my emotions correctly, although I really think I have.
That's where I'm at right now, and that's all I know. I'm not unhappy; I'm happier and more confident with my self-image than I've ever been, and I feel less like I have deep-dark weird secrets since they're no longer secret. I don't know what I'm doing exactly, but I'm exploring and feeling better about myself, and I wanted to keep you in the loop (that I've excluded you and everyone else from for years).
-Meaghan"
(I used my birth name because I still go by it unfortunately.)
