First of all, I don't want the title to appear ableist, but the fact that she has a disorder of this kind is very relevant to her behavior. (She's always been one for gaslighting, passive-aggressive insults, emotional manipulation, etc.)

So I kind of came out to my mom recently, but I played up the "still exploring my identity" thing so it would be less of a shock. Since she tends to make up narratives for my life, I actually wrote my entire life story in the message that I sent to her and detailed my gender confusion from age eleven to now. I'm 20.

At first, she responded to me in a very positive and supportive way! It was great and surprising. However, my sister tells me that my mom's been crying a lot, saying that she knows me and she knows it's a phase (and when my sister asked, "wouldn't 'wham-blam' know their emotions better than you do?" she responded, "Of course not! I know her best! If you were a therapist, I wouldn't talk to you."

She also told me on the phone today that this is hard for her to grasp because I've always been feminine. This is just false. I wore baggy guys' clothes all through high school, and as a kid my favorite toys were plastic dinosaurs, legos, hot wheels...I played pretend with barbies and other kinds of dolls as well, but wouldn't most kids who have them? I've been mistaken for a boy here and there since I was in fifth grade.
I had two feminine years- seventh and eighth grade- but that is the only point in my life where I tried to be particularly feminine.

She also mentioned to me that she told my dad about my 'gender issues' without asking me first. He's conservative and can be judgmental (he's compared gay marriage to owners marrying their dogs), so I definitely didn't want it to happen like this. I asked her how he reacted, and she said "Nothing surprises him anymore."

Then she asked me if I was molested as a child. When I said no, she asked how my meds have been working. (My meds are for anxiety and OCD). She told my sister, apparently, that she thinks this is my OCD acting up somehow.
When I first came out to her she had mentioned finding me a gender therapist, but on the phone tonight she seemed iffy on that. She wants me to see a therapist, "but not one that's going to influence you in a certain direction. This could just be some other kind of psychological problem, you know?"

Just needed to vent/rant about her. Thanks for reading.

That's kinda rough. It's almost like she's doing the 7 stages of grief backwards or out of order somehow.  Sounds like she's reverted to bargaining and/or denial from acceptance?

Anyways, stay strong and I'm sure you'll find your happiness!

Yeah, and this is kind of what my sister and I predicted would happen; supportive at first, and then not. We were both just hopeful that she might react to this issue differently than the way that she reacts to most things. 

Thanks for the well wishes.

Oh dear, sounds like the initial response didn't stick.  Sorry your prediction turned out to be right.  What's the best tactic for dealing with your mother, usually?  Does she eventually come back around to sense, so can you wait it out?  Is there a way to redirect, so that even if her brain is doing this absurd thing, you can still interact with her about different things without this interfering?

And good gender therapists *don't* influence you-- that's not their job.  (I'm pretty sure this is in the official literature for the profession, so some digging would likely get you information to take to your mom).  As a person who's seen a bunch of therapists, it's just not true that general therapists can help you deal with this kind of thing.  It's not covered well enough in general mental health training for non-specialist mental health folks to do a great job of it, unless they've picked up the skills informally.  So, even if you *were* dealing with gender dysphoria due to some other mental health issue, a gender therapist would still be the best person to help you sort it out. 

They'd also probably be more than happy to include your mom in a couple of appointments and explain it to her (and it wouldn't bias their therapy with you, either).  Any chance you can find a therapist, yourself, and ask your mom for help going, and to meet with them so she could have her concerns addressed?

Good luck!  Parents with untreated mental health issues can really mess with your head. 

Mothers thinking you are someone who they want you to be other than who you are,  I get that. Major sympathies.  I know that's a lifelong issue  and not just a Trans* issue.  My mom is narcissist bipolar, too.  The good news is, she will take attention from you because of her theatrics.  The other good news is that she wants you to  go to therapy, instead of is fighting you on it.  I'm glad you've got your sister on your side.  You're in my thoughts.  Good luck, man.

Chris

Dude, I'm so sorry to hear that.  I get how painful that is, my mom has similar traits.  I'm not out to my mine, but she has always thought she knows me (she doesn't at all), has the only right answer/perspective, and thus unsupportive (abusive) if you don't fit it.  What has helped me is recognizing that I know myself best, and to do what's right for me, despite the hurt.  It also helps to minimize/control contact if possible so you have better control over the negativity present in your life, not sure if that's an option.  Other other thing is, while keeping in mind that your feelings are real and valid (and I'm not making excuses for her or putting her down), if your mom is anything like mine, maybe you can at least get comfort from understanding that she is limited in her emotional/relational abilities, at least in the present, but she doing the best she can, because if she know how to do better, she would.  I know that doesn't take any the hurt though...just helps put things into context.  Wishing you the best, man.

Well, crap. My Mom actually did the exact same thing, but I didn't want to say so on your initial post. She even suggested I come up with a middle name, so she has a full name to yell at me when she gets mad in the future. We both laughed and it was good.  A few days later, I spoke to her on the phone and she was having a hard time dealing with it. She also mentioned it being "such a shock, since I never displayed any confusion about my gender before". Uh, hello?!? I played with mostly boy toys growing up, cried when I got shoved into dresses at formal occasions, and didn't really connect with other girls. But, they need to grasp onto something, I suppose. It's called "willful ignorance". In the end, I figure this is my life and my path, I need to be the one to walk it. Do you have the means to contact a gender therapist on your own? It might not be bad to go to both kinds, for the time being. I actually know someone who does that. Might help to appease the parents...
Good luck, and good job. Stick to your guns!
-Bear

Quote from: LittleBoyBear on December 14, 2014, 11:13:04 AM
. . . She also mentioned it being "such a shock, since I never displayed any confusion about my gender before". Uh, hello?!? I played with mostly boy toys growing up, cried when I got shoved into dresses at formal occasions, and didn't really connect with other girls. . .

Isn't it amazing how (some) parents can ignore even the most obvious evidence, until the declaration is made?  It's like, until you say you're trans, you were a completely normal, feminine, cis-identified girl, and any incongruities just got ignored.  So strange how things that seem so important to us are so easy to ignore, for parents who want to. 

My mother did the same crap early this summer. I been living as Dylan for 2 years almost 3 and out of nowhere she hid all of my clothes and basically canceled my birthday.
I think your mom is really starting to see that it's not  a phase which is what she hoped it was in the beginning, and she's grieving the only way she knows how.
Eventually she'll get over it. She has no choice. If she wants a relationship with her son.

The thing is, people very often have selective memory. So to us, it's very obvious looking back that we were gender-nonconforming and that those experiences are a validation to us, because those memories are the ones which are important to us. Where to our parents, they often have their own fixed narrative for us in their heads, and only choose to see or remember the elements of our pasts that fit that narrative.

And, well, one doesn't even need to be gender nonconforming in order to be trans. It's a symptom, not the problem itself. So in my view, focusing on the gender-nonconformity will only allow her more space to say "yeah, I know you did these few things that were indeed gener-nonconforming, but you also did this and this and this that wasn't gender-nonconforming, therefore doesn't that prove that you're not trans?" I'd recommend focusing on the long-held sense of self-identity instead. Rather than talking about how you acted boyish as a validation of your male identity, talk about the male identity itself, which has presumably been long-held and unchanging regardless of what you were doing on the outside. That is something that can't be mentally invalidated with her reasoning it away, because you're the only one with access to your own core sense of self. When you tell someone that your identity is that of the opposite sex, and that it's been that way for a long time despite what you were doing on the outside, the only answer in response to it is either denial or acceptance, with no room for saying "no, you're wrong, you didn't do that, THIS is what you actually did."

I'm not sure what will work and what won't, because to a lot of people gender, sex, and gender expression are so tightly-knit in their heads that they can't imagine one without the other. But I think it's worth at least trying to tell her that even if you did do feminine things occasionally, that doesn't disprove your identity, because gender identity is a completely separate entity from gender expression... like, gay guys often do feminine things and act in very stereotypically-effeminate manners, but does that mean they're not male? Lots of young girls are extremely gender-nonconforming to the point that they won't do anything feminine, but does that mean they're not female? According to the APA's studies, even kids who are so gender-nonconforming that they're admitted to a clinical psychologist, are much more likely to be cis than trans. And it completely accepts that some kids who expressed no gender-nonconformity whatsoever can still be trans.

I'm not really sure how to phrase this so that she might be willing to question her views on what makes someone male or female, but there's got to be a thought experiment in there somewhere that will help her learn that a gender identity is something that is completely separate and valid regardless of behavior and how others perceive them.