Hey everyone,

Been wondering for a while if some people on this forum might have tips for me in this particular situation. I do not live with my parents anymore since I am studying @ university in a different city now, but I do tell my parents everything regarding my trans feelings (from appointments with doctors to my feelings about things in general). They have always been accepting and open . They also know that I have been wearing womens' clothing since the beginning of my puberty, but it took quite a while before I told them everything.

Two weeks ago I had a conversation with my mom and dad and I tried to explain to them how I felt about my body and how I feel about the 'inside'. They could grasp the feeling of hating my genitals and body (the physical part, basically), but especially my dad just could not understand how I feel about the inside. He asked me: Do you feel like a woman? My answer to that was something like: I have never really regarded the immaterial part of me as male or female, I am just being me with all my good and bad traits. I did mention that I don't like being treated like and seen as a guy in everyday life. However, I found it hard to give examples... usually the triggers are really subtle (people treating me like a guy when speaking to me, having certain prejudices, me having trouble when shopping for male clothing, etc.).

Some things don't even make sense to me personally, and as a result I find it hard to explain it to other people. Mom understands this, but dad doesn't find my answers very satisfying (I and my dad share this character trait... we always want to understand everything perfectly). As mere human beings, we can't understand everything of course, but it would be helpful if I could explain myself more easily.

Any helpful tips on how to clarify things for myself, so I give an easier-to-understand answer to my dad?

I just posted something in another thread that applies here.

Basically, when I came out to everyone I know, I "dumbed down" how I actually fee, and just stuck to the binary, so that it would 1. be easier for me to explain and 2. be easier for them to wrap their heads around.

I mentioned how people who are only able to see gender in a binary are like the flatlanders from this book I was supposed to read back in highschool. The flatlanders lived in a 2D world, and when taken to the 3D world, they could not see things for what they were, they could only see a 2D representation.

As you understand, gender is a spectrum, not a binary. I think the best way to help someone understand the spectrum is to give very general, and perhaps stereotypical examples.

i.e.

So dad, you ever notice how some guys seem really girly? ...Or how some women seem manly? Or how some guys are super manly, and some women are super girly? And some people you can't tell if they are a man or a woman. From my experience, gender identification and expression isn't a guy/girl or black/white thing.... it's more of a spectrum, like the rainbow! Sure, we identify a few different colors, but in reality, there's infinite hues, many of which our eyes can not perceive. Not only is it possible for a woman to be super manly, but it is possible for someone to be 'fluid', where they identify/express as a manly man at times, and at other times, a girly girl. Or maybe certain aspects of someone are manly, but other aspects are girly. No matter what, it is still one person.

This is how I feel. I do not like being in a male body, that is for sure! But I do not consider my soul male or female, it is simply me. I hope this helps you understand me better. Gender is, after all, a social construct. There are even societies on this planet right now that have more than 2 genders! There was a time when much of the world thought the planet was flat, and that we were the center of it all. Perhaps one day we'll look back at these days and think, "there was a time when much of the world thought gender was simply male/female". I hope this helps you better understand how I feel

Hi Bird Goddess

You've probably seen that the forum is peppered with discussions of people wanting to know what it feels like internally to be a woman.  Internal states are so personal that I think the answer, if one exists, can only really be expressed through comparison or metaphor.  And even in such a case, you won't necessarily identify anything essentially belonging to womankind. 

No doubt your thread is going to be filled up with people giving examples of what women do, how they behave, and so on, but I challenge anyone to explain how it feels to be a woman. 

The closest I would try to get is this:  I feel like a woman because it's a more honest representation of who I am; I feel strong personal meaning interacting in society as a female-gendered person and being treated as female by society.  I feel comfortable with the mannerisms and feelings mostly found in women, and my interests are largely those which attract women.  These internal feelings of correctness are amplified by the desire to have an external manifestation of myself as a woman.

Hugs
Julia

Quote from: jojoglowe on December 14, 2014, 08:08:22 AM
I just posted something in another thread that applies here.

Basically, when I came out to everyone I know, I "dumbed down" how I actually fee, and just stuck to the binary, so that it would 1. be easier for me to explain and 2. be easier for them to wrap their heads around.

I mentioned how people who are only able to see gender in a binary are like the flatlanders from this book I was supposed to read back in highschool. The flatlanders lived in a 2D world, and when taken to the 3D world, they could not see things for what they were, they could only see a 2D representation.

As you understand, gender is a spectrum, not a binary. I think the best way to help someone understand the spectrum is to give very general, and perhaps stereotypical examples.

i.e.

So dad, you ever notice how some guys seem really girly? ...Or how some women seem manly? Or how some guys are super manly, and some women are super girly? And some people you can't tell if they are a man or a woman. From my experience, gender identification and expression isn't a guy/girl or black/white thing.... it's more of a spectrum, like the rainbow! Sure, we identify a few different colors, but in reality, there's infinite hues, many of which our eyes can not perceive. Not only is it possible for a woman to be super manly, but it is possible for someone to be 'fluid', where they identify/express as a manly man at times, and at other times, a girly girl. Or maybe certain aspects of someone are manly, but other aspects are girly. No matter what, it is still one person.

This is how I feel. I do not like being in a male body, that is for sure! But I do not consider my soul male or female, it is simply me. I hope this helps you understand me better. Gender is, after all, a social construct. There are even societies on this planet right now that have more than 2 genders! There was a time when much of the world thought the planet was flat, and that we were the center of it all. Perhaps one day we'll look back at these days and think, "there was a time when much of the world thought gender was simply male/female". I hope this helps you better understand how I feel

Explaining something about the spectrum could be a really good idea, I hope he'll understand it when I try explaining it that way. I don't think I can be much clearer about it. Problem is that he is somewhat of a black and white thinker (just like me). On the other hand, he is a sensitive and 'feminine' kind of man, so he may as well understand it right away.

Quote from: Julia-Madrid on December 14, 2014, 08:19:05 AM
The closest I would try to get is this:  I feel like a woman because it's a more honest representation of who I am; I feel strong personal meaning interacting in society as a female-gendered person and being treated as female by society.  I feel comfortable with the mannerisms and feelings mostly found in women, and my interests are largely those which attract women.  These internal feelings of correctness are amplified by the desire to have an external manifestation of myself as a woman.

Hugs
Julia

Thanks for your reply Julia! I think your explanation is pretty much on spot; at least it is for me. I can identify myself more easily with women and I feel uncomfortable as a guy.

Clarifying my struggles to my dad is no matter of life and death since he already accepts me and I do not feel misunderstood/attacked. It would be nice to make him understand me a little better, and I expect that I will be asked more questions when I start telling more people. Life would be much easier if I can explain most of my struggles in layman's terms.