We are married since 18 years and still together. I fully transitioned in spring this year and I am post OP.

It is likely that we will split up because we are both heterosexual women. Of course it is not easy for her. But currently our relationship is good besides the lack of sex. We are both dating men.

Lara

Mine did not survive, I was divorced. Most of my friends that transitioned did not either, there is one exception. That put my personal knowledge average at around 85% divorce rate.

BunnyBee : Please notice the study and statistic I posted - 45% survive. The gloom and doom does not help the partners who DO want to make it work...

The longer version of my story is that I didn't even know I was trans until I was 32, and when I came out to my wife neither of us realized I'd be fully transitioned within 11 months. She was and remained my staunchest supporter, and I'll always be grateful beyond words for her; we had some rough moments during the transition process, but neither of us ever considered divorce. And several years on, we're blissfully happy together.

Tessa : That is a *very* good point about other "transitions" that can come with a marriage. Personally, I think we're blessed that we're both still healthy and stable, and if this is the worst that ever happens, we're lucky.

Broken-hearted : Wow, that's a bit cold from your spouse. They're asking a lot of you here, and not to even acknowledge that...

Thought I would make it but my x turned on a dime when I started looking more about GCS.

Marriage 24 years 28 years together.

Now since remarried and will be 9 years in the spring.

Life does not have to end alone. It is yours to make move forward.

No...support means telling the truth and representing "Relationships ended for 45% of those who came out to partners." isn't the question. Implying 55% of marriages survived transition based on that vague stat/statement is a flat out misrepresentation.
That doesn't say marriage, heck is doesn't even say transition, much less a name change and SRS.

Quote from: Missy~rmdlm on December 15, 2014, 09:09:36 PM
No...support means telling the truth and representing "Relationships ended for 45% of those who came out to partners." isn't the question. Implying 55% of marriages survived transition based on that vague stat/statement is a flat out misrepresentation.
That doesn't say marriage, heck is doesn't even say transition, much less a name change and SRS.

Exactly.  55% success rate of gender non-conformig and /or simply coming out as such is not surpirsing to me at all, and may totally be right.  If that is all you're doing, then you have a much better chance than I am talking about, cuz I'm talking about if you fully transition with your partner not knowing anything going into the marriage.  I am skeptical of the second part of the study where it says to expect a 45% success of your relationship surviving post transition, though.  It doesn't jive with what I have observed at all.  If the study is true though, then cool.

I don't really like being the pessimist, it isn't usually my role, but idk...  I just want people to have realistic expectations.

Our marriage has so far been surviving though I worry once we are both on hormones how well things will go. Sex is very important to DW and sometimes hormones can muck things up but to what extent, we won't know. If that does happen, it's highly likely we'd have to consider an open marriage or something similar to a FWBs set up. I'm not sure how that would work though given my ideas of monogamy.

I will be honest in saying that sexual incompatibility wouldn't be the deal-beaker but it would be part of the divorce should it happen.

No, the survey used a double barrel direct question by using "spouse" and "partner" in the same question like they are synonymous thus it lacks content validity for this question. Did they allow for disagreement? What about uncertainty? Are the questions exhaustive and mutually exclusive? Did they use a likert scale...a thurstone scale? Was it only a dichotomous question? The study also failed to track this cohort across time to see the effect of year 1,2, or 3 on said relationships. Of the 55% that allegedly stay, what about a year later...or two years later? What about those that fully transition? Do their partners stay with them? What impact does fully transitioning have on the relationship a year down the road? This is an inherent problem with cross-sectional studies like this because it only looks at a bunch of people at one point in time and in order to achieve truly generalizable statistics it has to be repeated. Still, the researchers could have chosen a cohort study that tracked a significantly smaller sample across three years giving them one of three surveys each year and that would make it much more generalizable than the current study. Furthermore, why type of analysis was used? Did they use OLS regression? Do the findings indicate statistical conclusion validity? If so, what is the effect size? Did they control for the "noise" in terms of the variance so the  model could be changed for any spuriousness that may be occurring? What are the the coefficient values for this question? How much of the variance does it really explain in terms of "relationships" ending?

So...I question the veracity of the study; especially this question due to all of it's problems. Therefore, I stand by my first statement that only 7% of people stay with a transsexual after 3 years of transitioning.

That is the closest thing we have to an actual study on the subject, and I've seen it cited repeatedly for the employment and suicide attempt statistics. (also, it's unfortunately impossible to track marriage statistics in a population where not everyone is allowed to legally marry in their state or country.)

Natalie, what study are you using for the 7%? I assume it meets all of the criteria you just listed...

Ours is working, better than ever but with different struggles - we all have them. We have three kids too. Open minded, loyal, fluid orientation, all describe my wife. Transition has been slow, very slow but full time is within a year or 18 months now as social and medical transition has started!!

To be fair though, she never once said she couldn't do it, she said she wasn't sure, and 12 years ago was when I first told her.  there's a lot of time that had passed in order for her to process.

I would be cautious about hope if your partner had drawn any lines but if those lines are going to be erased it will be gradual and over time as she sees how beautiful your relationship can become - she will need to see what she gains instead of what she loses and it will need to be persuasive.

Quote from: ashley_thomas on December 16, 2014, 07:51:56 AM
I would be cautious about hope if your partner had drawn any lines but if those lines are going to be erased it will be gradual and over time as she sees how beautiful your relationship can become

This is important.  It is a very gradual change process, if you push it hard and fast then it is going to end.

We grew through no dressing in front of me, no HRT, FFS, orchi, and now we both can't wait until we can afford GCS and I finally have the body my mind expects.

Go slow, listen to her feedback.

If you just think about what transitioning asks of the cis partner, you have to think it's unlikely couples with a transitioning spouse should expect a similar divorce rate to the rest of the population.  If you do a study poorly enough, you can get it to show virtually anything you want.

That being said, it isn't hopeless, but you have to be pretty special and so does your spouse. But also, if it does end, it can be a good thing.  I have seen people stay together and both partners be absolutley miserable and the trans person getting stuck in limbo and it doesn't seem pleasant from the outside looking in.  When you negotiate your transition alone, you do it on your terms.  I understand having kids does throw in a wrench.  It's all very complicated and you have to prioritize.

BunnyBee, thank you for your six point synopsis of why it is hard to stay together. For most of our marriage, I've been sensitive enough to her that I could pretty easily make sure to say things in ways that didn't hurt her, or quickly apologize when I did. But now I'm dealing with emotions that are so deep-seated that it's hard for me to be sensitive to her anymore. I snap at her a lot without even realizing it. Until now, we've talked about the fact that she couldn't stay with me, but we would still be best friends. But now, as I'm talking about it more, and as it's becoming more real, we're wondering if that's still possible.

*tears* How can I go on without her? I married my first love, and I've never been with anyone else.

But at the same time, how can I go on as a man?

The price of both options is too high for me. If I pursue transitioning, I lose everything. If I don't, I lose myself.

ImagineKate, you bring up a good point about the kids in school. To complicate matters, we live in a small town. It would get out. I should probably speak with the high school guidance counselor about it... who ironically was my guidance counselor when I was in school here.

Tessa... oh I can't imagine the pain you must have gone through! To have your spouse hate you and call you, "it." God, it just breaks my heart.


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It's all very sad .   I am sorry for the pain you feel .

Thank you BunnyBee.

Tessa, thank you for your kind message. I can't respond because I haven't posted enough yet. I guess I need 15 posts. I'm not sure what I'm at, but I guess I need to get more chatty.


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The standard narrative tells us to expect total rejection.  Marriages end, family disowns you, and friends desert you.  They say it's an inevitability.  And of course that does happen for some.  But it certainly isn't the standard.  In fact, from my own anecdotal evidence I'd say the 50/50 split is about right.  About half the trans people I know who were in serious relationships lost them, and the other half didn't. 

One interesting thing about the study that Jenna posted is that it breaks it down further by MTF and FTM and by age group.  FTM's have a 60% survival rate across the board.  MTF's start with a 60% survival rate earlier in life, and the rate goes down as they get older.  So MTF's in their 60's only have about a 30% chance of maintaining the relationship.  But overall, the average is still close to 50%.

This is good news!  The standard narrative is wrong.  And the whole "typical transgender", trannier-than thou, doom and gloom nonsense needs to stop. 


Ryan, does your wife know about this yet?

Imagine that, stating flaws in a study is allegedly combative and negative. That's down right hilarious. However, one's subjective opinion of my statement does not negate the veracity of it.

I would like to state that members can reconsider their smites and decide whether they would like to withdraw them.

Quote from: Cindy on December 17, 2014, 04:01:00 AM
I would like to state that members can reconsider their smites and decide whether they would like to withdraw them.

Smites should effectively be handed out with extreme parcimony but Natalie, who is very definitive, should also answer the question she was asked regarding the standards applied to the study where she got her 7% survival rate figure. As it happens, apart from my own case, I personally know three other couples , MTF + cis female and all in their forties or fifties, where the mariage survived a complete transition. I also noticed that in a poll on this site regarding where people stood in terms of their relationships, the largest group by far (about 40% I think) was MTF married to cis females
It has already been mentioned by others but I would also emphasise how important it is to allow one's partner  lots of time to adjust. In my own case, I spoke about my gender identity issues from the beginning of our relationship in 2005, did not begin HRT until more than 3 years later and only finished my transition 6 years after that.

Quote from: katiej on December 16, 2014, 11:03:50 PM
And the whole "typical transgender", trannier-than thou, doom and gloom nonsense needs to stop. 

Tone-policing could also stop.   We all have different opinions and perspcetives and biases, we don't all need to fall in lock-step with each other, or be afraid to express our honest opinion.  Dissent is good.

Regarding smiting, I have always disliked it.  It seems very petty to me.   It's ok to disagree.  Really.