I ordered some tops today I really like what I picked out and can not wait to get them.

I am going to discuss with my therapist the requirements for procedures at least get the requirements met for Dr. McGinn in the New Hope area, PA.  If anyone has any info on her work and opinions please post.

Hey Girl,
Hope you have a great week.. I am flying to Boston Tuesday to see Spiegel.. should be interesting....
Keri    AKA Carrie

Hi Keri, Good luck with your consultation

I went to my Therapist Monday and my Physicians Assistant today:

Therapist
I said want to pursue surgeries and the documentation for the surgeries. We discussed how my wife and daughter would act on the news and subsequent changes. My therapist recommended I save for a new place to live and get prepared.  I slept very little knowing what I finally am going to do and the ramifications. I have been on the fence for a very long time and it is really not a good place to be. I am starting to resent my wife and daughter and I have not even shared with them my plan. My therapist said to make a plan with time line. I need to contact benefits and get a copy of the written Trans health benefits. Aetna directed me to my employer for the document. They did provide me a chart, which I had, and it said Aetna deemed FFS not necessary. I said you know if I was single I would get on with transition much quicker but I probably would never be with someone again. She said never and I said well I would with Dusty (My PA).

Went over injecting a bit early and the battle I am having with not addressing what I was going to do with my PA and rationalizing what I wanted until I did it.  I said I would disclose to my PA today.

I ordered some cloths (tops) and discussed a makeover. I got two places at group for a makeover and I have one other. My therapist said If I had a good wig and properly applied makeup I would pass without surgeries. I just can not see it.

I said I had this thought, I wonder if I feel the same as CIS people feel when I am on HRT. Because with HRT I feel amazing. She said we have no reference to what trans feels like. She realized what she said and reframed her answer.

Physicians Assistant
I had my laser treatment but before that he asked how the IM shots are going. I said I do not faint and smiled but then said I definitely feel at day 10 there is no effect. He said in March at our next HRT checkup he would review my blood and then he said we can discuss 10 day cycles. I was so happy and I feel bad I could not be honest with him. I just could not say it and I phrased it so I did not look like an untrustworthy lying patient. All he has is my best interest at heart.  After the laser he rubbed my shoulder and said Cynthia you did very good. all the pain from laser just vanished. I thanked him, smiled wished each other a happy holiday and off I went.

I went to my Primary Care last night and had a laser treatment with my PA. As I went into the room he asked how are the injections going and are you noticing progress. I said it is fantastic but that at day 10 I can really feel the medication wear off. He said lets see how your blood work is in March and then we can talk 10 day cycles. I was very happy and I thought I need to go back to 14 day cycles and I am too weak to tell him what I did and was planning.

When I walked into the room and looked at him half of my ability to think left the room. I have a crush on him and as he was leaning over me doing the laser I imagined he was on me. When we were done the laser he said I did well and rubbed my shoulder. I said it was not  bad and smiled.

you need to cork those hormonal driven feelings for your PA right now!

Silly teenagers.... 

Hi Cynthialee, he is tall, beautiful eyes, short hair and beard and a voice I just love. My face is so hot right now

I went to the therapist, gym and group.

Therapist
My therapist recommended I volunteer for the Philadelphia Trans* Health Conference. I immediately said I would and signed up today. I will volunteer to work the conference too and I will put in for volunteer time from work My boss will love this; I think the request goes through HR.

I told my therapist I was very emotional driving home and to work Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday.  I really hate being between male body and female mind and on the fence to proceed. My next steps most likely will end my marriage and relationship with my daughter. Still, I can not get these feeling out of my mind.

I told my therapist last Thursday I wend home after group for the 4th time in a row my wife gave me a very hard time and she and my daughter were very disrespectful. She asked if I got angry or did anything in response and I said no. I am thinking about getting an apartment. My wife had a fit when I took my jacket off last night when I came home from group. I thought I looked good. I had fitted jeans and a sweater, white with blue threads. I thought it brought out my blue green eyes, just making light of a bad situation. 


Gym
My trainer  kicked my butt last night.

Group
Uneventful but vey good with a lot of sharing.

I did my IM injection t 3:30 this morning. By 8 I started to feel happy and at 10 I felt a little bit sick to my stomach which passed when I ate.

I spoke with my health insurance "handler" about trans procedures and the electronic document so I can plan my time line and plan. I think I will immediately start with head hair restoration and continue with face hair removal. I will work to get all the letters to comply for the future procedures.

My wife has commented 4 or 5 times now that I have been looking pale lately. When I look at woman's faces they are much paler than male faces. I have been on IM for 10 weeks and pills for 15 months. On pills I was never pale.

I had several people, one male that asked what was I doing because my face had a glow ( and then said what ever it is keep it up) and another (Office Manager) that commented my face had a glow and last week my face was fuller.

I never noticed but I just looked in the mirror ( not my best friend) and my face is pale. My next blood test is in March unless I suspect something is wrong.

How many noticed their face is pale? How many have had comments about a glow?

your E levels go through a cycle with these shots
When your E levels are at their highest it is sorta similar to a woman's cycle when she is ovulating. During this period those attracted to females tend to be more attracted to the woman. Her complexion somewhat pales and this accentuates the redness of lips which is a sign of fertility. Also there is a more full face thus giving a plumper appearance than normal, this is another sign of fertility.

Take notice of when men and lesbians compliment you in relation to when you have your shots. Bet you a dollar to a donut that there is a direct correlation.

That makes sense about the cycle.  I'm on tablets but I'm following the cycle.  I'll watch out for compliments!

 Cynthialee, you are 100% correct. I get the complements and comments when my E is at the higher part of the cycle. I can not wait till March when I go to 10 day cycles, hugs.

Mary, I never received a complement on pills. Perhaps it just took more time but I think it is the cycle. I get a high libido too, hugs.

I went to the therapist, group and gym today.

Therapist
We discussed my time line, what is needed and how to go about getting the needed information and meeting the requirements. I have a goal before the next meeting. I said I would tell my wife I joined the LGBT gym. I have to tell her I joined and not say I was thinking of joining. Not hiding is very difficult for me.

Group
We had a great group tonight. We are going to put together a proposal for a session at the PTHC (Philadelphia Trans Health Conference) in June.

Gym
My trainer kicked my butt today. She point blank asked me why I do not like to look at the myself in the mirrors while exercising. She has asked me this every time for the past 10 training sessions. Sometimes several times in a session. I will look at an object but not myself. She asked me point blank tonight and would not take a deflect answer. She knows I am trans too. I looked at her and said I do not like mirrors. Then I said I do not like seeing myself in mirrors. It clicked and she said to focus on an object.

In the coed locker room there was a guy in there when I was getting changed to exercise. I put on my sports bra and work out cloths and when to exercise. Coming back after exercising there were 2 guys in the locker room. I did what I had to do and I felt like ok lets do this. I kept my back to them but it was embarrassing.

Hey Cynthia!  You shouldn't be in a locker room with men - you're a woman dammit!  Take care of yourself, and that includes being in a woman only space when you need to.  Don't accept any argument on this.

I'm OK with mirrors now although it needs a bit of dissociation when I shave.  Otherwise I can see what I know I really am.

Hi Mary, hugs

I need to get over this but I feel so odd because I look like a guy. Even when I go to group at Mazzoni wearing a top, bra and fitted jeans, where I think everyone is LGBT and we are told to use the bathroom that make us comfortable I use the men's room. One of the girls said to me 3 weeks ago that eventually the men's room will not be safe.

I think I will make using the ladies room at group a goal. After I get FFS (if I can get FFS) then that would a perfect time. I think I would fit in better. Then after grs I will be very comfortable in the ladies locker and bathrooms everywhere.

I shave my face in the shower. I look at my face for grooming reasons daily but I see flaws.

I had my third laser session today. When I saw my PA I asked if I could please go to a 10 day IM cycle. It was on my mind so much I think I burst out the question. He said yes .

My laser is over and now on to electrolysis for the light hair.

I asked if he would write a letter for FFS and GRS and he said yes and just let me know when you want it.

We talked about my wife and daughter and their not accepting me and he said some of the most amazing things. It is like he read my mind. He said I was an outstanding husband and father but I have been living for others and now it is time to live for myself and other such comments.

I went to my therapist, gym and group Thursday.

Therapist
I told her about my laser treatment (last) and onward to electrolysis. My PA was talking to me and asking how my home life was while he was zapping me and I had my face turned on side facing his lower torso. Needless to say I had difficulty speaking. I told her I was allowed 10 day IM . I also mentioned how empowering Dusty is. I also mentioned he said he would write letters for me for FFS and GRS and said I far exceeded the requirements. I asked my therapist if she would write the letters for ffs and grs for me and she said yes and I far exceeded her requirements. I asked what her requirements were and I far exceed them. I asked if she worked with a Psychiatrist who will writ me letters after say 3  visits  and she said she would get back to me. I texted my wife I joined the 12 street gym (LGBT gym).

Gym
My trainer really kicked my butt. She is 57 and looks absolutely wonderful and at most 45. She came in 3rd in her class in the Spartan challenge this summer. She is trying to get me to another fitness level and it hurts. I have found that exercise balls and kettles are torcher devices .

Group
I got a lot of support last night from the group. I take a lot of crap at home and when I go home from group I really get a lot of crap. Because I told my wife I joined the gym I knew I was in for a lot of crap. On a side note I asked one of the girls how she got letters from a Mazzoni Psychiatrist. She said (because I see an outside gender therapist) I need 10 therapist sessions and 3 Psychiatrist sessions and then they will write the letters.

Home

My wife followed me into the bedroom when I got home. She inspected my bag. She demanded I take off my coat and this week she said my top wasn't bad.  Then she inspected my toes and fingers for polish. (I felt like I was with my Mom when I was young) . She expressed several times emotionally I was pushing her away, that I am a liar and that I am breaking her heart. She said that I said I would not wear woman's cloths and I have no memory of that. So to keep the peace I just said I am a liar. I did not apologize.

ME
I am beginning to realize my transition and my marriage most likely will not coexist and that at some point I will be alone. I will lose my wife and daughter, my two best friends, and the ones I want to share being myself with the most.  I guess time will tell.


This week I told my wife I joined the gym, got Dusty to allow 10 day IM, asked Dusty and my therapist if they would write letters and found an alternate Psychiatrist letter rout if my Therapist does not have a person I can use.

I was thinking, I really like wearing fitted jeans and tops. There is nothing sexual that I get from expressing but it feels good and reaffirming. The cloths I wear are typical woman's cloths and nothing flashy. I know I do not fit the mold but I feel better. When my wife criticizes what I am wearing and degrades me I get a feeling deep down and I think how dare you and what gives you the right to tear me down.

I went to my therapist today because my normally scheduled day is Christmas. I have the trainer tomorrow for the same reason.

Therapist.

1) I used my higher pitch voice for the first time today on a person. She said it was very good it sounded natural and it is like my own voice, which is not deep, but higher. Also she said it was not strained  and that she has heard a lot of traswoman's voices and that it was very good.  My male voice, I have been told is on the high side of male and in no way deep.

I definitely need practice with people because I caught a lot of fluctuation ( it seamed like a lot but it was not in reality) and I caught the pitch ebb at times. The thing is I have been practicing for 2 years and never used it in conversation with someone else. My therapist said I should us it in group. If I get OK feedback from group I may try it on Susan's.

I know it is not a big thing but to me it was big.

2) I went over what my wife did when I got home on from group Thursday.

3) Went over what my wife did in the supermarket. She wanted red plastic plates which they were out of. They had white, blue and clear. I said did you see the clear plates and she got mad and said do you think I am blind or stupid. I said no they are just words. She said just words, ok, you are a ->-bleeped-<- freak in a very mean way and in my face. I walked away for a few minutes. I thought it would feel so good to just keep walking. I came back and continued shopping after 2 minutes.

4) I asked if she found a Psychologist and she said all are on vacation and I said ok lets give it till January 5. There is a Director at work I can contact that is the Director of the Trans program that I can e-mail and ask for names if the other route is not successful.

5) I said I do no know how I would approach my wife about FFs and GRS. I love her and I do not want to hurt her but it is something I have wanted for a very long time and I have a shot at this. She asked where I envisioned I be in 5 years and I said in an apartment in the gayborhood. I just can not see my wife tolerating a full transition. I will try but I think she will not have any of it.

My therapist said I need to start expanding my circle of friends in my community.

6) I went over how unbelievably accepting the gym is. I said I just can not imagine being in one of the large commercial gyms. She agrees the 12th street gym is pretty unique and the member are very accepting of everyone. I said I am able to get dressed and undressed in the co-ed locker room. I said it is odd, no one bats an eye. She said why do you thing they are in a co-ed locker room, paying  a premium and not the general locker rooms? I said oh, they are not comfortable in locker rooms.

7) Got my first and not last mani-pedi after the therapy session.

I had my monthly one on one with my boss today and went to the gym

Boss

I went through my agenda and when done he asked how my personal life is ( He knows I am trans). I said I had a Gantt chart and time line for FFS and Grs. He asked what they were and I told him. I told him I am now on IM of estrogen and how it is wonderful for me mentally and psychologically and that it decreased my dysphoria. He asked what dysphoria is and I told him it is a feeling of unwell. So gender dysphoria is a feeling of unwell about my gender and sexuality dysphoria is a feeling of unwell about my sexuality. I explained how homophobia and transphoba leads to self hate and how bad that is.

He said I will support me but I will be alone at work and some may say things. I told him I have dealt with that (poorly in the past) all my life. He said others will think I am confused. I told him I am apprehensive about dressing at work and walking in the atrium or the control room but I will. He said a lot of people will not understand and some will express hate and they will not want to hear reasoning especially from me. (My boss is also a University professor and on a school board. )

I told him I have 2 of the three people I need to write the letters I need for the surgeries and that I m working on the third person. When I do I then will request FFS and GRS through insurance at work.

We had to go to our next meetings so we went our separate ways.

Gym
My trainer worked me hard and it felt good. I was laughing at one point and she asked why (this was when I was on a large ball and I was supported with my head and upper back and hips thrust up and  doing dumbbell presses. My glutes were on fire and I was laughing. I told her about my conversation with the time line and procedures and how my boss was speechless for a little while and the look on his face was priceless. My trainer is variant and I am out to her.

I forgot. I got my first mani-peti Tuesday. I did not get color this time but I will next time on my toes. I was super nervous but I walked in and an an Asian lady grabbed me and put me in a chair and we started. It was so relaxing. The chair gave me a massage ad my feet were soaking and being worked on. My nails look great.   

Last night was worse than the day I told my wife I am trans. Today I have to travel 3 hours in the car to visit my wife's father. I will be with my wife and daughter in the car and I dread the trip.

I know being trans is not my fault. I know every stem I take makes me feel better about my identity but the pain, hurt and anguish is the price I am paying and it is overwhelming.

I have made some poor choices in my life because I tried to hide and cope now all that I made is based on lies. I am learning to address an issue and be honest and it hurts. 

Today started off really  bad. The ride up to Reading PA was so difficult. My wife was crying the whole ride up. On the way home she slept. My wife, daughter and I did not say a single word in the 3 hours of driving. My wife is sleeping now.

I have work tomorrow and I look forward to it.  I feel so bad I am trans and I hid this from my wife.


So this is what happened.
We were opening gifts last night and my wife purchased me two male sweaters and 2 male shirts. When I opened up the box I smiled and said thanks. Later after her sister left my wife said the look on my face was of disapproval and kept asking why. I just kept repeating I do not like the colors or style. After a while she said it is because they are not woman's cloths. Then things went South fast. She kept asking what my plans were and was I going to  wear woman's cloths full time and get procedures. I avoided the questions then she said she had a right to know. I told her I am going to get electrolysis (I did not tell her laser was done) and that I am trying to get my hair corrected. I then said I wanted FFS and GRS. Things got bad. I remained calm and answered her questions. Some 4 or so hours of this went on. My daughter was there and she does not want anything to do with me if I transition. She said I can not come to her graduation if I do not cut my hair. 

Looks like my Boss so far was right.

Sending you biiiiig cyber hugs. Please know we're here to support you during these difficult times, and, you never know, your wife may eventually come around. In any case remember this; your transitioning because you need to in order for you to be happy,and being trans isn't your fault. Alot of friends and family are shocked at first, but eventually become more accepting when they see how much happier you are since beginning transition vs, how depressed and unhappy you were prior to it.

Best wishes!
Ally

Thank you Allyda, I appreciate the support, hugs

It is a lot more calm tonight. My wife and daughter have not mentioned anything this evening. I guess it may have been good. At least my wife knows what I am planning. I just can't share the details and how I feel with her. It is tough to face her and share. I know I will get unconditional negative support and emotional waves of painful crying.

At work today I came out to another Sr. Director. I have known him for 27 years. We talked for an hour and I disclosed a good amount. He said he thought I was gay and in the last year he and his Maintenance Manager have discussed they though I was either gay or trans. He said it did not mater to him that I am trans. I also told him I am bi. He said when  told him I was going to get married (22 years ago) he was very surprised.

I asked how he thought people would react if I had FFS and GRS, changed my name and wore woman's cloths. He said were we work it would be fine. The guys (we manage collectively 75 trades and operating engineers) would talk behind my back and some will hate. I said I know. He said some will joke about it to me. I said I know. He said eventually it would be ok in a few months.  He said something I never expected. He said we need you here. Wow, that meant a lot.


Today, Saturday 12/27/2014 I sent an e-mail to schedule an electrolysis session on 1/5/2015 and I inquired about PRP and hair transplants to a plastic surgeon in Bala Cynwood, just outside Philadelphia. Insurance will cover electrolysis and hair transplants but not PRP. It is a 80% out of network then usually 80% customary cost so a little over 60% of the cost is covered. PRP is not covered. I will try to work a PRP/hair transplant deal. I signed the e-mails as Cynthia and disclosed I am trans. I plan to express for the appointments. 

I scheduled my first electrolysis appointment or 1/5/2015, yay. The EC said I need to not shave 1 or 2 days before the treatment and to leave the chin and upper lip grow hair for 1 or 2 days first. We can go from there.

I was reading that for GCS I would need to have hair removed around my genitals or risk possible future infection. So I will need to talk to the EC about that. I will need to deal with exposing myself and that is a big deal to me.

I went to the gym today and my trainer kicked my butt. We also shared a bit. I shared how bad Christmas eve and Christmas day was and because I did not like the 2 male shirts and male sweaters my wife got me ( being returned). It wound up to having to choose in the future either my marriage or full transition. My trainer shared that her Mom is very over weight and it scares her and she gets very frustrated and emotional when she sees her Mom. Also, her Mom has circulation issues and it is really on her mind a lot. She also shared she was a fashion designer at one time then had to get away from the field because she ended up hating the thing she was doing. So, she became trainer 20 years ago. Sharing what we are afraid of and are going through really made a bond today. She still kicked my butt though Side note, there are some beautiful guys at the gym!


I came out to the Maintenance Operations Manager Monday. We chatted for over an hour. He said some really kind things. He said he felt sorry for me for how I hid who I am and for some of the things that took place when I was young. He also said I need to be who I am to be truly happy. Also, that the Hospital Doctors and Nurses and their leadership will be fine about me expressing but the trades people are not usually inclined to think critically so that may lead to hate. I expressed a concern my boss had that would put my position in jeopardy which is that my staff (operating engineers) may not follow my direction and I will be ineffective. I have a lot more confidence in the majority of the staff to tolerate and accept me. There will be outliers on both sides ( haters and welcomes).

I see my therapist Friday. Christmas eve and day are almost a week past and would have been a huge issue last Thursday but is now something I think was good to get out in the open and we processed our emotions and are close again. My wife even is wearing the earrings I got her She got me a beautiful coat that we negotiated. It does not have all of what I wanted but it is close and I have access to a FTM tailor

Wednesday, today, I was in the control room at shift change. We were talking about Christmas and other things. As with many shift change conversations after turnover and log review the Operators started complaining about money, competitive needs at home and past and present conquests. I am on the periphery and stop the conversations when they cross the line. One guy said to me your wife needs to keep an eye on you because you have boyish looks. I am 52 and HRT has had a dramatic positive effect on my face with my skin and fat under my skin.