So, today I found out that the new employee at my job was offered full time with benefits when I, the part time employee who was looking for needs benefits, had seniority and was never approached at all.  I have nothing against this person.  In fact, she is a very nice and professional employee and I think she does her job well, so my gripe isn't with her in any way.  But I'm part time and severly in need of benefits.  I don't have to tell everyone how difficult it is to be a transperson without insurance, especially when you are young and broke like me.  When I took the job, I realized it was just shy of part time., but I was told that they could potentially do something about it after some time.  Well, it appears that a position did open, and instead of offering it to someone there, they give it to someone new.  At first, I didn't care as i thoufht it was another part time position, but today I learned they get benefits and are fulltime which was something I was unaware of. .  Its like a slap in the face that no one told me and thought to tell me there was something potentially full time. And here I am soon to lose my mother's insurance in early febuary.  I talked to my boss and she told me that she would look into the possibility of picking up the necessary hours to become fulltime... Two weeks ago and still no word.  I get that its not up to her and ahe needss approval from corporate for everything, but when they had a full time opening earlier, no one thought to discuss it with me.  How am I not supposed to feel insulted and hurt?  Everyone else either has fulltime benefits there or through their spouse, but not me and I guess I should just smile about it and swallow my pride. I don't know.  I'm scared.  I don't know how I am going to afford everything without insurance and yet I have no where to go if I don't get insurance.  No one wants to hire a weirdo loser like me.  And let's face it.  I am a young and inexperienced transperson.  I'm not in a strong position to demand decent work and benefits.  I have nowhere to go even if I wanted to. My whole life is a mess.  I'm soon going to likely lose my home when I decide to go fulltime as I've been told that's likely the final straw,  so I will have to find a way to pay for rent along with even more healthcare costs.  I probably won't get insurance at work so that means paying everything out of pocket without the ability to do this.  I'm just tired.  When does life get easier or more bearable.  I'm constantly told things will get better... Well when?  It hasn't yet.  Transitioning has taken so much out of me and has been so difficult.  And its not just the finances but the emotional as well.  To be honest, I don't pass and likely will never.  Who would accept me for who I am.  I see how people laugh at me or talk behind my backwhen they think I don't notice.  Sometimes I just want to give up.  I'm tired pretending better days will come when they never do.  And its not just in one area of my life but in almost all areas. What's rhe pint?  I'm tired of constantly trying to make my life work when it never does.  I just wish I had a little stability and reashrance that things will be okay because i of wishing and getting kicked down all the time.  Of course, as hard as it is, I don't regret my transition and its better than the a!tentative (which there really isnt one for me); however, this has been very hard and its taken its toll on me.

But one thing is for sure, I no longer feel comfortable working at my current job.  I feel like a walking jerk and don't even want to step in that building anymore.  I really don't want to show up anymore after hearing what i did yesterday as i just feel really hurt and insulted.  If I'm in a dead end situation, I need to find something else.  I always knew this was a stepping stone but with the upcoming loss of my insurance, I can't afford being there without benefits.  And the fact that i was passed up, when i really was in need just feels really hurtful.  That's just what it is and I have to accept it, but I don't really think I can stay there anymore if that's what it is.


Sorry, I just needed to bitch and have a pity party.  I'm just sitting here drinking/cryinh alone and jua feel so stressed about my finances and everything.  Cant get sleep cause of the anxiety as usual.  All I want is an ounce of stability and just something to go right for me for once in my life.  I'm sick of being the failure in every possible way.  And yes, I acknowledge that I am also to blame for my life situation as well.  If I didn't chose to transition, I would probably be doing something I love in my field (politics) as I once had options.  Now, obviously, no one wants me and in have no where to go.  But that was something I brought on myself.

Thanks for listening to me whine... And yes I know that's what this is and that I likely brought a lot of my current situation on myself.  I'll probably ask for some career advice and help/tips with looking for employ!ent as a transgender individual as many here are more accomplished and established than I am, but I just wanted to vent for tonight.  Thanks.

Okay, now that I wined a bit, i really need advice.  Honestly, I'm not sure what to do.  Ever where I look, I see part time Jobs but nothing full time.  And staying where I am now just feels like a total dead end nor do I feel comfortable there anymore (I've never felt more awkward).  I need career advice and some help from those who have been in my shoes.  Even more complicated, is the fact that I am a non passing transperson.   It makes employment even harder to secure I have found.  And as much as I would love to start over somewhere else and go fulltime, i am pretty much going to make myself homeless by that decision as my mom told me she won't live with me anymore a t that point.  Plus, i don't pass and I already feel awkward about the stares, laughing and whispering behind my back.  I know I have to get pas $ ed this but I'm still hoping hrt and weight loss will help more in this department,  plus surgery.  I want to do this as emotionally and financially simple as i can.  But knowing that my health care costs will probably be somewhere around 50000 the next 2-3 years makes it all the more difficult.  That isn't easy for a 25 year old that doesn't even make close to that in a year.  It's terrifying.



I really could use advice on what to do and how to make my search for fulltime work with insurance easier than it was the last time.  The only thing is I refuse to hold off on my transition for too much longer and don't want to compromise my happiness much longer.  To be honest,  my transition hasn't been easy and I've been so emotionally drained by the process.  It's worth it but it's been harder than I ever thought.  So I apologize for my negative vibes and all.  I'm just going through some pretty heavy depression and anxiety due to my transition and all the financial stuff is just topping me off into a weird depressed zone that's been very intense. I think I need to start myself on medication to get through this.

Any suggestions or help with career advice and se curing fulltime employment with benefits as a transperson would be appreciatwd.  Thank you.  And thank you for tolerating my annoying personality.

Ltl,

My heart goes out to you, it really does. The only advice that I could possibly offer would be to move someplace where employment might be more available and jobs are less discriminatory. If you truly don't pass (I have no idea what you look like), I would really look into relocating to a place that is specifically transgender friendly. San Francisco comes to mind, but there are others.

Not sure how much help that is, if any, but that's all I've got at the moment. I hope things brighten up for you, and you find a reason to smile today.

Yours,
Teg

Before I knew I was trans I used to work a number of jobs that they didn't like to provide more than 20 hours as some kind of unwritten rule. I also know that 30 hours was supposed to be an official corporate limit. These are part time jobs after all. But I said I need the money and I'm willing to work, yet constantly they would reduce me from 18 hours to 15 hours and hire additional people. And every single time the new person tended to be lazy.

Is it possible they overlooked you because you are trans? Yes its possible. Is it possible that they overlooked you without meaning to? yes its possible. My suggestion would be to do a good job and prove your worth. Keep bringing up the fact that you would like to do more. In the meantime look for alternatives and if you find another job with benefits then take it. But hopefully this happened by oversight and maybe you have a chance for next time.

I have no answers for you , I put up with that same crap for 20 years until I realized it was too late. The only thing to do is keep showing them your worth it and put out a lot of resumes to try to find something better. I definitely know the feeling of corporate betrayal .

Thanks for any advice and empathy.   Again, it's nothing against the person that hit fulltime but I'm in such a bad place financially and always work really hard and yet it means nothing.  Honestly ive been miserable the past few days about this.  I always try hard but the result is failure.  I just don't know what I am going to do.   I really want to leave as i feel realay unhappy and uncomfortable now but i dint know what to do.  I'm apparently not hire able based on my resume and being a transitioning transexual clearly doesn't help.  Seriously,  sometimes u really just want to give up on life.   I know that sounds horrible but im never happy and things never go well.  And the sad thing is no one but my mom would even care about my death which is ironic as she is the one who is most actively against my transition.  I don't think I'll ever know what stability feels like or even happiness.  It's just a series of failure and haRd ship one after another.  And you can tolerate some failure but consistent and constant failure is another thing.  I just want a differvent life.   One with happiness and stability but i can never get there and dobut I ever will even though I want to.

I really apologize for the depressing tone I've just never felt so bad and down.  I feel like I have hit rock bottom aND won't be getting back up.  Forgive me though for my negative outlook.

If you think you could stomach working at the same place and going full time/transitioning there, I'd say what you really need is a bargaining chip. Apply for those other jobs even if they are part-time. You don't need the job, you just need a competing offer to bring back to your management, provided that you're an excellent employee.

Whenever I want a raise or some other perk (work from home days, bonuses, etc.), I throw out some resumes and go to some interviews. It's a numbers game - eventually someone bites and makes some kind of offer. I then come back to my boss and say, "Hey, look what I got, I'm going to go over here now." And then I get whatever I've expressed a desire for, because I've made myself incredibly hard to replace in this business.

I've used the same tactic with success in retail, consulting, and office work. The only environment I've found that it's ineffective is in the public sector.

Quote from: ftmax on December 16, 2014, 08:18:49 PM
If you think you could stomach working at the same place and going full time/transitioning there, I'd say what you really need is a bargaining chip. Apply for those other jobs even if they are part-time. You don't need the job, you just need a competing offer to bring back to your management, provided that you're an excellent employee.

Whenever I want a raise or some other perk (work from home days, bonuses, etc.), I throw out some resumes and go to some interviews. It's a numbers game - eventually someone bites and makes some kind of offer. I then come back to my boss and say, "Hey, look what I got, I'm going to go over here now." And then I get whatever I've expressed a desire for, because I've made myself incredibly hard to replace in this business.

I've used the same tactic with success in retail, consulting, and office work. The only environment I've found that it's ineffective is in the public sector.

I'm an office assistant/receptionist for a medical office.  As much as I wish I had leverage,  i don't.   And the fact is,  in a very shy and quie person.  I've always hoped working hard and doing my best would play off, not playing office politics which ironically is something I'm not good at.  I've learned that I was wrong and I suspect I'm not really valued much at all if I am one of the few part timers and was passed up by someone totally new.  It is what it is and I'll have to accept it and move to other avenues if I'm to be without benefits.  I really do aprecise the advice and it may come useful in the future,  but i really don't see much changing where I am.  Our practice is part of a large company and everything needs approval.  There is negotiating here and I'm not good at that nor am I really one of the employeyes in the position to do that.   I'm just disappointed that even when there was something that could have been done, I wasn't even considered. 

As for applying to part time employment,  i just can't afford that anymore.  I need insurance.   Transitioning has been so expensive and without insurance with looming rent (and likely a replacement vehicle to the one dying as we soeak )thrown on top, it's too difficult.  I could apply for a market place plans, but even with the subsidies, I'm looking at a huge deductible that will never cover my blood work, endo visits and therapy sessions.  Medications on top of this, and of course the two surgeries I'm saving up for worj major out of pocket expenses,  it's just a lot to take.  And while people outside of our community will say this is cosmetic and blah blah, thru hsve never spent a Damn day in our shoes.  I'm tired of the constant misery and dysphoria.   I just want to wake up one day and feel happy about being alive.   Looking forward to living. Right now, i feel so far from that.  And while I have issues with depression,  anxiety and low self-esteem that aren't fully related to my being trans,  i can say with certainly that this is a huge part of my unhappiness. But my point is this ramble is that i need to afford this all and part time without benefits won't cut it.  Problem is I have had a really tough time finding work, especially one with benefits. And I don't know how to find that or what to do at this point.  I'm really lost and scared.  Next year I turn 26 so it's time I grow up and take responsibility for my life.  I just don't know how to deal with all these costs all at once and no ability to deal with them.  And the emotional aspect has been really taking a toll on me lately all this looming financial stuff is just the last straw.  I can't sleep and even stop panicking about rhis. I don't know what to do and honestly fear I am at the end of the road with no where left to go or paths to take.  Like I'm heading off a huge cliff.

LTL,

You're panicking. Breathe. You can make it through this if you take it just a day at a time, one challenge at a time. Please take care of yourself, and call someone if you are feeling dangerous.

Teg

Quote from: Sincerely Tegan on December 16, 2014, 11:40:16 PM
LTL,

You're panicking. Breathe. You can make it through this if you take it just a day at a time, one challenge at a time. Please take care of yourself, and call someone if you are feeling dangerous.

Teg

I do appreciate the help, but i have really bad anxiety that verges on OCD level, so it's hard for me to breathe at times.   But i have no idea how to move forward in sp many ways and doubt things will improve.  I can take an affordable care act plan but i can hardly afford the premium and the deductible for them.   I can do it but that would be my entire paycheck and leaves me in difficult position paying for the rent at home and my car insurance.   And if I do get kicked out of my mom's house,  then I have idea that I could ever make it.  Honestly,  I should have been better prepared.   I guess I always hoped that if I worked real hard that I would be able to get the 3 or 4 hours I needed for benefits, but i assumed incorrectly.   Now I have a whole new slew of financial and emotional stress and it's all too much.  All i want is a little stability and security in at least one area of my life.  And I do really want to believe it gets better,  but it hasn't done so yet and in some ways it just gets harder.  I just feel like giving up.   

Thank you for the concern.  I am talking to my therapist tomorrow for an emergency session as i have been extremely depressed and stressed about life and have no idea what to do ti move forward.   I've been on the verge of a breakdown for sometime but i think I may have finally hit rock bottom need dome guidance and help.  But I'm not dangerous or anything.   While I may have suicidal thoughts and depression,  i could never put my mom through that.   And I would never harm another person or animal in a million years.  I just get these hopeless feelings and really don't know what to do anymore. 

Again, i apologize for being annoying and whiny.  I just have no one to talk to about this and I'm just so lost, depressed and scared about what's going to happen to me.  And besides the financial stuff, i know I'm going to have to come out and go fulltime pretty Damn soon.  It's just so much crap all at once and my mind is on overload.  Thank you everyone for putting up with me during this.  It means a lot.

Quote from: learningtolive on December 16, 2014, 11:13:26 PM
I've always hoped working hard and doing my best would play off, not playing office politics which ironically is something I'm not good at.  I've learned that I was wrong and I suspect I'm not really valued much at all if I am one of the few part timers and was passed up by someone totally new. 

Sadly this is usually always the case. It depends on the organisation and their advancement system of course but in many instances promotions go to the confident and out going types.

Quote from: Ms Grace on December 17, 2014, 01:22:19 PM
Sadly this is usually always the case. It depends on the organisation and their advancement system of course but in many instances promotions go to the confident and out going types.

True.  To be honest,  I'm not a likeable person either.  I'm so crippled with depression and anxiety that I'm sure I'm read differently than I intend to but that's my own fault.

Anyway, I'm just in the Wtf do I do mode right now.  I really don't see a good option for me.  I've calmed down a bit, but i really am frightened and don't know what to do.  Maybe the job fairy will visit me and I'll find something stable with benefits soon.  Just don't see it happening and feel really b hurt that I was passed up for fulltime like that.  It's kind of hard not to feel really awkward/ uncomfortablebaround my coworkers and I'm not really in the mood to put much effort in there anymore, to be honest. And it kind of sucks to be looking for new work while transitioning.   It makes the whole situation even more awkward and difficult than usual.  Still only way is forward,  right?  I feel a little better but no less worried and scared than before.  Thanks everyone for listening and trying to help.

Do you have any places nearby that do sliding scale billing? I know the clinics here in NYC offer low cost healthcare for people who don't have insurance. Callen-Lorde and APICHA are two of them that do transgender care and their core mission is care for the uninsured.

LTL i respectfully suggest you now have some valuable experience and it is best to have at least one year of that on your resume.  Your experience qualifies you to apply at a government or union covered medical service agency such as the VA, State, City or County health systems.  Those groups or a fortune 500 company are IMO most likely to have great insurance and non discrimination policies and opportunities for redress or a grievance process for what you encountered in being passed over.  You don't have to be loud to have your rights and needs met.  Quiet but persistent is just as effective in the long run.

Hang in there Hon, you are making progress.

I want to say thanks everyone that has helped me these past few days.  I've talked to my therapist and she has made me try and focus on my future aND overall potential.   Even if I feel I have no worth, I do.  And even if I am undervalued by some, that doesn't mean I have no value.  My therapist has given me the assignment to search out new employment as she feels that I have more value than what my current situation is providing.  Ultimately,  i am not being unreasonable to expect a few more hours so I can get benefits and I am not wrong to feel upset about being passed up and to see so many things get approval at work but being denied benefits when I work hard to earn it and need it.  I just have to look elsewhere and belive that I have value and a future.   This all came at a bad time and I'm not sure how transitioning at a new place will go, but it seems there are much better opport unites out there for me.  Just have to deal with the fear and anxiety about the unknown and have to deal with the hurtful/uncomfortable feelings I have at my current place until I can leave and have something else.  Hopefully I'll be okay even though I feat otherwise.  Just scared about having to come out at a new place and wonder how the job search will turn out at this particular stage in my transition as i am visibly trans at the moment.

I've experienced in the past pertaining to my life that totally immersing your self in writing the perfect resume and e-mailing them as much as reasonably possible , helps to minimalize  the depression and anxiety .