Hi girls. 
Last night i went to the Xmas gathering of the local transgender group.  There were only four of us, plus the boyfriend of the foreman, just a nice
cozy chat over cake and cookies.  i like the girls, they are all post op and i was nervous of course and feeling a bit as the odd one out, but they
were quite friendly and open. At one point they began discussing clinical aspects of their transformation, the surgery and the aftermath, i think
they were partly trying to scare me a bit in an effort to show me what i am getting into, make me think about it.  Probably what i needed.
On the whole though i had a wonderful time, really enjoyed their company and for a time was even able to relax a little.

Later on today i have an appointment with the head psychologist over the transgender program.  Honestly thought he would flatly turn me down
and have been a nervous wreck these last few days and so i was delighted to get a message from him yesterday that he will see me today.
My x T also contacted me to tell me that he has found a woman psychiatrist that has experience with transgenders, will see her early January.
Simultaneously i am seeing a counselor at a rape clinic every few days.  This is all a bit overwhelming suddenly.
i woke up this morning scared and wondering if i am doing the right thing, am really nervous about the meeting today.  i don´t want to spoil
anything for myself, want to be confident that this is what i want so as not to blow my chances with the head guru.
Told my wife how i am feeling and she just told me to look in the mirror saying look at yourself, i did and i don´t see a guy looking back at me.
Am worried that i might regret this later, but also know that if i don´t do anything i will surely regret it.  All confused, can anyone relate?
Linda

These are certainly common feelings for many people at the outset. There's a lot going on and a lot to process. Nothing needs to be done all at once, just baby steps - that way you won't overstep the mark and find yourself in up to your neck before you get a feel for whether it is the right thing.

Hi Honey,

It is a time when we start off that we feel nervous, meeting new therapists is quite daunting, but they are good and very understanding.
I think is is sad that the post op girls tried to scare you! We only decide on having surgery when we are very sure it is right for us, and for some women it isn't right, and girls who don't have surgery are no lesser women for that.

So get some rest and see your therapist with confidence and just tell them how you feel.

Hugs

Quote from: Ms Grace on December 19, 2014, 03:10:46 AM
These are certainly common feelings for many people at the outset. There's a lot going on and a lot to process. Nothing needs to be done all at once, just baby steps - that way you won't overstep the mark and find yourself in up to your neck before you get a feel for whether it is the right thing.

Hello Grace.  You are right of course, think i just needed to know that i am not alone with feeling like this.  Am petrified at the thought of facing
the head psychologist today though.  If he says no go, then that´s it.  The best i can do is just be me and hope for the best.
It´s a long process ahead and now i am grateful for that.  Thanks for replying.

Quote from: Cindy on December 19, 2014, 03:14:22 AM
Hi Honey,

It is a time when we start off that we feel nervous, meeting new therapists is quite daunting, but they are good and very understanding.
I think is is sad that the post op girls tried to scare you! We only decide on having surgery when we are very sure it is right for us, and for some women it isn't right, and girls who don't have surgery are no lesser women for that.

So get some rest and see your therapist with confidence and just tell them how you feel.

Hugs

Hi Cindy,
i sense that there is this feeling among the group that you are either all in or not at all.  At the same time we did discuss the tendency people have of
putting others into boxes and all agreed that it isn´t helpful.  i don´t want to complain about the girls, they were on the whole very nice to me
and am really glad i went there, it did increase my confidence in some ways.  When i left their advise was just be yourself, which would be okay
if i knew for sure what that self is lol.
That´s good advise Cindy, will do my best to follow it. Thank you.
Hugs

Linda, been there, done that

These feelings will pass, and they will return. I have them -- those moments where I wake up in the middle of the night thinking "what on earth am I doing, how did I even get here?". I don't think these thoughts will ever entirely leave me. The important thing for me is to listen to these thoughts and explore where they come from, not pushing them away. If you have a therapist whom you trust, it'll be good to work on these fears and what they relate to.

Quote from: adrian on December 19, 2014, 03:47:43 AM
Linda, been there, done that

These feelings will pass, and they will return. I have them -- those moments where I wake up in the middle of the night thinking "what on earth am I doing, how did I even get here?". I don't think these thoughts will ever entirely leave me. The important thing for me is to listen to these thoughts and explore where they come from, not pushing them away. If you have a therapist whom you trust, it'll be good to work on these fears and what they relate to.

i am an over analyzer and so pushing the feelings away won´t be an issue i think, getting lost in them might though.  These feelings come from fear of
the unknown i think mostly and feeling overwhelmed, but i am looking forward to seeing the psychiatrist lady in January and work on these feelings with her.
What on earth am i doing and how did i even get there, yep that´s a perfect description of me this morning 
Thank you so much Adrian, i wish we could all go through this without these feelings but it´s consoling to know that this road has been walked before.
Gives me confidence to tackle it.

Overthinking stuff sure sounds familiar to me [emoji13]

Linda, don't let those post-op girls give you their "big girl" schtick!

Only each and every one of us knows who we are, what we need and how we're going to do it.

Be clear about what you want, not what others might think you want.

Take care.

i have just returned from my session with the head psychologist over the trans program.  i had to be on my best behavior and was, but i did ask him
pertinent questions without really getting a good explanation in my opinion.  The good news is that i have been accepted into the program and that
is a great relief to me, also he told me that the Standards Of Care guidelines will be taken up early in the new year and that is excellent news. 

Am seeing him again at the end of January.  i will have to find something more feminine to wear before that time as he looks very much at the
exterior image from the start.  i asked him if i look masculine to him and he said yes, there is no doubt in my mind that i am sitting across from
a man, so i rephrased the question, do you think i am masculine in behavior, speech, movements and the way i carry myself? No i think you are
quite feminine in all those ways, i watched you walk in and you walk like a lady.  Brought a smile to my face that did. At least he can see that
inside i am female, the rest i can work on.  Now comes the tough part, how to tell my family and friends and i will have to do that before the next
session. One thing stunned me a bit.  The waiting room is for patients of all kinds of doctors from eye doctors, geriatric doctors and so on and quite
a few people were in there.  When he opened the door, he looked over the group and called out Linda and you could have heard a needle drop as i
made my way towards him.  i had told him that i am not out yet to my family and friends, but he chose to do this to test me i suppose that i am serious.
Think i passed that test, there will be many more but i am intent on following through with my commitment to myself as a woman.
i should be celebrating and jumping with joy i suppose, but i just feel a great relief, but am still worried about how to come out to my family.
He said i need to live as a woman now and i asked him how he would define that, what guidelines he had to make that call and he said i would need
to define that for myself, so good i already have, have transformed in every way already except the physical.

Ros, i won´t let the "big girl" attitude get me down, like you wrote i know what i want, that´s what matters.

Hugs to you all my sisters, for all the help that has led me to where i am now.

Hi Linda... So really happy for you in what you have achieved so far, rewarding steps forward for you... As for coming out to the family I really wish you well there...

Love Katy 

Quote from: katrinaw on December 20, 2014, 01:25:56 AM
Hi Linda... So really happy for you in what you have achieved so far, rewarding steps forward for you... As for coming out to the family I really wish you well there...

Love Katy 

Hi Katy.  Today i woke up with cold feet.  i wish my moods were more even.  i know that i don´t want to stay stuck like i have been,
but i don´t want my life to fall apart either.  Will see things clearer later on i hope.
hugs Linda

My testosterone level must be going through the roof today and i hate it when that happens, rate as that may be these days.
Had to go out earlier and move our car to give a snowplow room to manoeuvre in the parking lot.
i thought to myself alright i will use the opportunity and take my time at the grocery store buying some stuff we need.
When i got back twenty minutes later the situation was unchanged and i was directed to park our car way down the hill
and lug our groceries home on foot.  There were some raised eyebrows as i told everyone in sight that i can´t stand this
kind of moping around, either do the job or waddle off and i proceeded to park the car in the clearest space i could find.
The point is not whether my outburst was justified or not, it´s that my maleness uncomfortably shone through
and now i am thinking to myself, have i been kidding myself, is this how a wannabe woman behaves?
i am still pre everything, but i need encouragement now, tell me i am not the only one that has relapses like this.

Quote from: lindagrl on December 19, 2014, 11:46:47 AM
i have just returned from my session with the head psychologist over the trans program.  i had to be on my best behavior and was, but i did ask him
pertinent questions without really getting a good explanation in my opinion.  The good news is that i have been accepted into the program and that
is a great relief to me, also he told me that the Standards Of Care guidelines will be taken up early in the new year and that is excellent news. 

Am seeing him again at the end of January.  i will have to find something more feminine to wear before that time as he looks very much at the
exterior image from the start.  i asked him if i look masculine to him and he said yes, there is no doubt in my mind that i am sitting across from
a man, so i rephrased the question, do you think i am masculine in behavior, speech, movements and the way i carry myself? No i think you are
quite feminine in all those ways, i watched you walk in and you walk like a lady.  Brought a smile to my face that did. At least he can see that
inside i am female, the rest i can work on.  Now comes the tough part, how to tell my family and friends and i will have to do that before the next
session. One thing stunned me a bit.  The waiting room is for patients of all kinds of doctors from eye doctors, geriatric doctors and so on and quite
a few people were in there.  When he opened the door, he looked over the group and called out Linda and you could have heard a needle drop as i
made my way towards him.  i had told him that i am not out yet to my family and friends, but he chose to do this to test me i suppose that i am serious.
Think i passed that test, there will be many more but i am intent on following through with my commitment to myself as a woman.
i should be celebrating and jumping with joy i suppose, but i just feel a great relief, but am still worried about how to come out to my family.
He said i need to live as a woman now and i asked him how he would define that, what guidelines he had to make that call and he said i would need
to define that for myself, so good i already have, have transformed in every way already except the physical.

Ros, i won´t let the "big girl" attitude get me down, like you wrote i know what i want, that´s what matters.

Hugs to you all my sisters, for all the help that has led me to where i am now.

Hi Linda,

I'm happy that the meeting with the head psychologist went ok. I must say your description of how he treated you shocked me a little . I'm sorry you have to play by his rules. It sounds like he put a lot of pressure on you.
Will you be dealing with him a lot?

Quote from: adrian on December 20, 2014, 01:20:02 PM
Hi Linda,

I'm happy that the meeting with the head psychologist went ok. I must say your description of how he treated you shocked me a little . I'm sorry you have to play by his rules. It sounds like he put a lot of pressure on you.
Will you be dealing with him a lot?

Hi Adrian,

Yes it´s him or swim so i have to try and make the best of it, but he is not making it easy for me, basically outed me against my wishes.
There was a point in the session where he was going through all the requirements and rules where he explained that only after living as a woman
(whatever that means to him) for a whole year and using my chosen female name for that time would the committee headed by him decide whether
i would be allowed to go on HRT and continue the process.  i interrupted him there and said if you and the committee deem me unfit after that time
where in the world does that leave me then?  His only answer was that this very nearly never happens.  Very nearly is not nearly good enough,
but like the other requirements something i have to accept and hope for the best if i want to be in the program.
He also told me that my reaction was not typical of the women he had accepted into the program, that they were so very grateful and happy
to be "allowed" to fully become what they are inside.
i told him that i had been so worried and afraid that i would not be accepted that i had needed lots of support from online lady friends
before heading off to the session.  What does that tell you, i asked him, it should tell you how much i want to go on with this.

As disappointed as i am with how he treated me i am glad that i am in the program, but grateful? If he had been nicer, yes.
i have patted myself on the bra strap for keeping it together in there and showing him who i really am and i think that´s probably
the reason why he accepted me into the program.  That i lost my cool in the parking lot is likely because of stress from yesterday,
will forgive myself for it and consider it a one off.  Apologies for using the term wannabe woman earlier, i am a woman and in my opinion
so is everyone of you ladies on this board.
Thanks for replying Adrian, kind of you.
Linda