Okay, first of all I apologise if this is in the wrong forum - I don't know where I fit in society let alone which subforum to post i!

I'll cut to the chase, this is best way to sum up how I feel (will become clearer as you read on!)..

Right now this very moment in time, I feel like someone with no gender who has to make the decision of whether to choose to be male or female - and that I've got a very, very short window of opportunity, if I haven't already missed it.

Okay, that probably sounds like the majority of people out there.  I've always felt more feminine, and wanted to be female or at least be more interested in dressing up in girls clothes (since I was in primary school).  However when I was 14/15 I lost the ability to produce testosterone hormones (long story, aside from some general body issues not too big of a deal I don't think).  I've always been small, both in my stature and my bone structure (my hands are the size of a womans and I'm only 5"4).  I was always small, even before what happened to me as a teenager - but not being able to produce any hormones right in the middle of puberty has no doubt messed everything right up.  Because I didn't really know anything back then, I was just confused and a complete mess I went on male hormones to start to make up for what I had lost.  This was when I was about 17. However I didn't take it regularly at all (It was a gel I had to wipe on myself and it was a pain and I was too lazy to do it on a daily basis).  I switched to injections around my late teens and have been on them regularly now (I'm 26).

So.  I'm on hormone treatment for male, but I'm still harbouring all of these thoughts of wanting to be female.  I've always wanted to be female.. but at times I've been able to suppress it enough so it doesn't bother me.  Perhaps it matches up with the pattern of how often I had my injection, I don't know (it's a 3 monthly one where the T levels drop significantly towards the end).  I'm really not sure. 

Essentially.. If I had the choice right now I would go for female.  I'm pretty damn certain of it.  I've got about 6 weeks left until my next Testosterone injection is due.. I need to decide pretty sharpish if I'm going to take that, or seek medical help for female hormones.  I really, really don't know what the hell to do.  Yes I should see my GP - but from everything I've read the waiting time on that is huge.  I don't want to hang about and wait - if I am going to go down the female route I need to do it now, not in 6 months time.

It's possibly not helped that I've started to lose weight - it was a lot simpler when I was fatter as I just moped about and accepted I'd never pass as female and could probably have trudged along in life like that.  Over the past 4 months I've lost 4 stone and I've been going out more feminine (not full on cross dressing - best way to describe me right now is androgynous).. and I feel so much more comfortable like that.  I'm starting to see for the first time ever just by losing weight that I probably can actually pass as female - and that's really making my head go skewed because it's not something I ever thought possible.

I'm sick of not knowing what the hell I am and whether or not it's something from when I was born or a massive complication due to my hormonal imbalance. 

Right now all I know is I want to be female.  I'd do absolutely anything in the world to be that.  This isn't the first time I've felt like that - but right now is the strongest I've ever felt it before.

I just need help, I don't know what the hell to do.. I could book a private consultation with that Doctor in London everyone's raving on about.. I can't decide on my own to self medicate either - due to complications with my testosterone levels I wouldn't have a clue where to begin with what meds to take - would be a pretty foolish thing for me to do.  I can't just stop taking my testosterone injections either as that would cause a massive imbalance without any estrogen.  I'm going to see my GP asap but I'm not putting my eggs in that basket for an answer as the waiting time will kill me (I just think it's probably a pretty safe thing for me to do alongside what else I choose). 

So, so, so, so confused right now. :\

Hey Aneydo

Welcome to Susan's    Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

It certainly sounds like you need to start talking to someone about your gender identity and what you would like to do about it. A gender counselor or a psyche would be a great start but you may not be able to arrange that before your next T shot. Are you able to postpone the T shots until you have spoken to someone? I'm going to move your post to the MTF section, it'll probably get a better response there.

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Cheers

Grace

I must second Ms Grace's advice, find a gender counselor ASAP. You say you're 26, that means you should be able to call the shots on whether or not to get the next T injection. In the meantime, start researching Gender counselors in your area.

And P.S. Welcome to Susan's and best wishes on your journey of self-discovery!

26 is not to late and as far as the shot just don't go in for it until you can talk to some one unless the shot is needed to stay healthy.   Sounds like you are a adult you do have a say so in your life. All you have to do is find the voice and use it.


Vicky

Your "panicked" post about having to do it "now" and "fast" sounds rash.  The next T-shot will not doom you to life as a full time male and I'm not sure what makes it so different from all the others you have gotten for the last 10 years.  Just postpone it or cancel the appointment if its causing you this much mental anxiety - unless of course it could effect your physical health. 

Transition is not something you just jump into and do now or immediately - even if that's what you say think you want it's not a good idea and indicates a bit of rash or unbalanced thinking.  This is a MAJOR life decision, and it maybe very right for you, but the uncertainty in your post makes it clear this is not something to jump into and do fast until you are VERY sure it's what is what you need for a healthy, happy life. 

Everyone so far is 100% correct in advising you to seek the treatment of a therapist who specializes in gender disorders.  You may not get into to see one overnight but that's OK.  Make a appointment, take a deep breath, start reading and researching about GD and transitioning.  Read the stories of others who have been in your shoes.  The main thing is to seek professional advice and therapy to work on the right answer for you and to negate the uncertainty and anxiety that is expressed in your post. 

The internet, even a forum with so many intelligent trans-people who have a wealth of experience, is not the place to seek an answer about whether or not you should transition.  The only answer right for you, is deep inside you.  It cannot come from anyone else, but a therapist will work with you to help you find the answers within yourself.   

Welcome Aneydo to Susan's family

So many topics to explore and posts to write.

We all must walk our own path in our own time.

Transition is about bringing happiness to your life with out the pain of GD.

What they said.  No matter what, don't rush.  You have time.  Talk to a good therapist with experience around this. 
In the end if you have always felt this way, you always will feel this way.  At least, that's the story I get. 

Good luck and happy holidays

Would you believe that in some people testosterone can actually increase gender dysphoria and make them feel a need to be female?  Read what psychologist Anne Vitale has to say:

http://www.avitale.com/TNote15Testosterone.htm

With injections every 3 months your T levels must vary quite a bit the huge surge of T following an injection.  These widely varying levels may affect your dysphoria.

I'm much older, but I became hypogonadic in my mid-fifties.  I had wanted to be female in my youth, but made a good adjustment to living as a male until around six months after I started T.

I don't have any advice for you, but you should be aware that, for some people (and I am one of them), testosterone greatly increases dysphoria.   Estrogen quiets down the dysphoria, but then the body becomes more feminine.

Like you, I don't have the choice of not taking any hormones.  I need either T or E to stay healthy.

I wish I had some answers, but I don't

Randi

Interesting to note about testosterone levels/dysphoria.  I know there would be a link there somewhere, just don't understand how it all works.

I am seeing my GP soon, but that's not going to help the frustration of having to hang around waiting for a referral though!  I've already been waiting 4 months for a referral to my endocrinologist (I'm supposed to see him every few years.. it's got to have been 5+ since I last saw them!).  I won't even get an appointment with my GP until after the new year.

I don't even know if my T levels are normal - last I checked they were really low, that was towards the end of a T injection cycle though.  I'm losing weight but it's really disproportionate, it's all going around my middle but my chest/bum etc aren't getting any smaller. God knows what's going on inside me!

A drastic measure for me would be to go private and make a decision straight away on which hormones I choose to take.

I wish it was as simple as delaying/not taking my T injections.  But from what little I know - I'm pretty sure having *no* gender related hormones in my system at all would be a big no-no.  It's one or the other.. I think!

With the state my mind is in currently I can't see myself being happy until I have a female body.

So for now.. the waiting game.. and it's slowly tearing my mind apart!

Thanks for the replies as well.. sorry, I know I'm coming across as a bit scatty and all over the place, etc.   That's just pretty much my mental state across the board right now.

Hi, I'm Rudy (yeah i know), and I'm intersex.  I can relate.
If I may ask, what happened to you to loose the ability to produce testosterone?

Quote from: Emily King on December 23, 2014, 07:33:06 AM
Hi, I'm Rudy (yeah i know), and I'm intersex.  I can relate.
If I may ask, what happened to you to loose the ability to produce testosterone?

I had to have an operation which led to them bits that produce testosterone having to be removed, both of them! Sexual relationships with women have always been frustrating because of that - I've never slept around and only been with long term partners.  Sexually I work fine as a male, aside from missing a couple of bits.  I was never offered prosthetic ones either, which I thought was odd.  Mind you I was only young.. I've never ever spoken to anyone professionally about any of this in my adult life.  During adult life the only professional contact I've had with this kind of thing is probably 2 or 3 appointments with my endocrinologist talking about my testosterone levels.

I booked an appointment with my GP, still not sure what to say to him.  Still contemplating going private.

Thoughts of the day..

I don't understand why my feelings towards this are so strong currently when they have never been this strong before - or maybe they have and I've just pushed them aside?  Really bizarre.  Thing is, over the past 10 years there have definitely been times when I've been happy to have been growing facial hair and looking more masculine.  (I can't grow facial hair properly still, not like every other male I know anyway.. ). It's a weird one.

The only downsides I see to being female are social issues.. Yeah, I know it's stupid to be thinking like that.. but I could possibly harm my career if I'm female (or at least transitioning to one).  I don't know, I realise that's an incredibly backwards and possibly insulting thing to think.. but sexism and discrimination in this country doesn't go unnoticed - especially when it comes to having a career, I think?  But perhaps I'm just making too big a deal out of that? I don't know. I've discovered over the years that a lot of my happiness/depression is often down to my financial state.. so that's a massive factor in the wellbeing of my life, unfortunately!  Maybe that's just something that easily resolved, by being more social and not having to rely on money so much, I don't know?

I keep looking at myself in the mirror, all the time.  I go down to the toilet to have a quick pee at work and I spend 5 minutes prodding and poking at myself etc.  That's a bit odd.  I'm still overweight, but not by as much as I used to be.  I've lost about 4st and in my mind I've got another 4st to go until I'm a comfortable (skinny) weight!  I'm wondering what my body shape will look like when I lose weight, and also how much better it would look if I lost weight on estrogen instead of testosterone, like perhaps the fat placement would be more feminine?  I think I have more female hips than I should.. Not sure what to make of that one.  I've got quite broad shoulders but my hips definitely have a bit of a fatty point out towards them!  Perhaps.  I don't know, I can't say I've studied the male anatomy too well to know what they look like naked!

I'm wondering if perhaps I should have been born female, I'm short (always have been).. I have an odd body shape (I think), my hands are tiny.. but then again I don't know how much of this is due to my hormones going completely haywire during puberty?  Really don't know!  

Perhaps this isn't transgender issues, but just severe body dysmorphia of some kind.. I don't know.  I would certainly most definitely prefer to be female though, and a feminine body shape.  So maybe it is TG.. Oh god I just don't know.

Gahhhh.

7 days until I see my doctor.  7 days of wondering what the hell is going to happen! I just feel like I need some sort of answers so I can make a decision on what I want to be for the rest of my life.

I am not certain as to the reason for the testicles being removed unless it was due to them having a growth or cancer on them.  However, I do believe that even with trying to balance your hormones out to that of male and yet you still "want" to be female is quite interesting.  I'm not one to diagnose and in no way am I'm going to do that, I will say though that it is interesting to me that you are wanting that over being male.  So, it would seem that you do indeed have gender dysphoria as did I and in the same manner as not being able to identify with being either gender.  There is a lot involved in transitioning, as in laser hair removal, changing clothes choice, sitting to pee, makeup, etc.  as well as the idea of sex in that gender role, with will come to you on how you feel inside.  I don't wish to get into to many details about that topic as I understand mtf do not always change sexual preference, though that did happen for me.  As after starting HRT I became attracted to men.  I would like to say that going through a short trial period on estrogen would be beneficial to see if you feel better and more content in that mind set.  You can go through 2 months easy with no major physical changes but experience the emotions and mannerisms change and that should tell you or give you a good indication if you feel you should be female.  There is no harm in asking the doctor to start you on that to help you 'bring out' that side to find out if it is right for you.  Yes there is social differences when it comes to being a female.  How you speak and act compared to that of being a man.  As for financial, that can be quite an open area to work on as there are lots of jobs that you can do while in transition and while in andro phase simply slowly little by little let out the female while maintaining presenting male.  As well, you don't nessasarily have to take a female job role, there are many jobs that both genders do, especially in the blue collar working field.  Operate machinery, forklift, lift machines, drive a truck, etc, do light work that's not to demanding but enough to earn a good pay.  I've thought about going to school for RN nurse as I use to be an EMT and drive an ambulance and I'm currently driving a semi truck which I plan to get out of.  These are variable issues that can be worked around if you truly want to be female.  The big question you still have to ask yourself and weigh out your current life in your current gender, versus transitioning to life of womanhood.  Can you see yourself as a woman, softer, feminine, clothes, maintanance, hair removal, learning to speak like a female, socialize as one and generally be seen as one.  Call yourself "ma'am, miss, her, she". Then do the same for male pronouns and see which you like more.  One of the ladies on here helped me by saying that same thing to me, she asked me if it bothered me or do I cringe to be called "he, sir, him, that guy etc".  Yes I hated those, but everyone is different, take the time and ask every question to yourself you can and see which you enjoy and are happy with more.  I will mention that not all girls are very feminine and girly as like me a lot of trans girls are tomboys and still relate and do guy things.  I still see and think the same for the most part, I still feel like the old me Chris, but I look in the mirror constantly and go wow..that's right I'm a girl.  It takes a long time for the brain to rewire itself and learn how to be this new outer gender it is creating and in time if you are indeed transgender mtf then your mind and body will slowly being balanced and align so you will be able to identify as a gender.  So, I'm really hope I haven't said anything over the line and have anyone bark at me because all I was wanting to say is, never give up hope, seek therapy and discuss your gender dysphoria, and have patience to find who you want to be in your mind.  I wish you warm hearted luck.  - Christina

Sweetie, don't worry about the 7 days to make a decision.  Find yourself first.  Any female body development will be about the same even 6 months from now.  Heck, I started hormones at 48 and have had good development.  If you need help finding yourself, talk to a psych.  If you are afraid, you should be.  This isn't a casually decided thing.
Best of luck and hope things work out.

I agree with others here. You have time to decide so decide. And to help you sort things out, find a professional therapist, preferably one with some experience in gender identity issues.

Thank for the responses, I do appreciate it lots as it is starting to help ease things a just to speak openly about this and have some input.  All the advice regarding not rushing is definitely comforting!  Honestly, I'm a bit scared to see what HRT actually involves.. I know that sounds daft, but I'm worried I may find out something which means it won't live up to my expectations. 

There's only two people I've spoken to properly about this, one is a friend on Faceybook who I've known for a bit, she's being incredibly supportive despite my selfish incoherent rants about myself.. I did also tell my mum about some of these things too, she's been supportive listening to me and trying to understand but I can tell she's really apprehensive about encouraging me to go through any kind of medical treatment for it, but definitely wants me to speak to counsellors/psychiatrists etc. 



Thoughts for today...

So sometimes I'm thinking, maybe this isn't a case of gender dysphoria, and just body dysphoria.. like those people who get really obsessed with cosmetic surgery, etc.. and do everything they can to attain what they see as their perfect image.  I'm not ruling that out as a possibility anyway.. Either way the end goal is I want a female body and to present myself as female.  Who knows! Hopefully these questions shall get answered by someone if I ever start getting into counselling/psycyhiatrist. 

I've also thought a bit about why now.. why only now am I starting to think about doing something about all this.  I've always had these kind of thoughts, but buried them deep.  For the past 3 + years it was because I was in a relationship with a woman who I tried to speak to about this subject but very quickly put a stop to that.  It led to me cross dressing behind her back which was one of the reasons she stopped wanting to be with me.  I thought she'd have been more accepting as she has history with lots of her previous ex's being into cross dressing, etc.  I guess she just wasn't attracted to that.  Before that I was too busy trying to get a job and my career going.. it's only really when I've not been in relationships that I've been able to explore this side to me more. 

I've been feminising myself a lot over the past few months, it's so much easier now that I'm losing weight.  I feel much more comfortable now that I'm not just slouching around and lugging myself about.. walking with a proper posture, sitting with my knees together, silly little things like that I know, but I feel much more comfortable out in public like that. I dress fairly androgynous anyway, kind of tomboy-ish, but I'm absolutely nowhere near comfortable to start wearing skirts/leggings/low cut tops out in public yet yet.. that will come weight weight loss (and hopefully HRT, I think.. possibly).

When I'm out in public or with friends I wear makeup anyway, even in "boy mode".. or just andro mode.  It's easy as everyone I hang out with are into alternative-type-stuff.. I'd hate to use the word goth, but er, I guess that sums up a lot of people I know!   To be fair, everyone I know personally are incredibly laid back and accepting of everyone, even my work colleagues! 

I'm hoping being on HRT would smooth and soften my skin, it's very noticably harsh and male looking!

Odd thing about my weight loss.  I still have tits.  I've always had a large chest.  I used to just think they were man boobs, they don't look like womens breasts anyway.  But whislt I'm losing weight everywhere else - nothing is going from my chest.. so tonight I was able to my corset on and have proper looking breasts.  That made me so happy to see. Probably doesn't look appealing to anyone else but I see that as a first step to actually growing real breasts and them filling out properly. ;\  I have to wear a really tight slimming vest when I wear shirts or tight fitting clothes as my chest looks massive.  Frustrating.. I'd rather just not have to do that.  But on this plus side, if I can have large breasts without estrogen.. I'm really looking forward to what I can develop with it.

I'm okay with people call me "he" and "mate" etc.  Probably because I've not actively tried to pass as a woman to anyone..  However I do like it when people think I'm female (except that second glance when they realise I'm not!).  Always used to happen when I was in my teens at college.  To be fair I did wear make up and had long hair, so..

I'm starting to be a bit asexual lately.  I've never been interested in men that way or desired sex with them, I've always only ever had sex with women and desired sex with them.  But when I'm feeling like this and I look at a woman - instead of thinking "they're hot, I want to have sex with them".. I think "they're hot, I want to have a body like theirs".  Bit awkward! 

I've *always* hated my voice, I can't stand to listen to it back.  I'd love to have softer tones to it.

Essentially I see myself as having two options.. start taking female hormones and let my body develop into female (I kinda think it's half way there anyway..).. or fix up my testosterone, have testicular implants & chest surgery to reduce my chest size (as weight loss doesn't seem to be doing anything in that area!).  Even with fixing myself up as male, I don't see myself being too comfortable or happy.. I'm still shorter than every other bloke I know, still want to act feminine and what not.. Blerf.

There may be like a paragraph in here that is half written because I got distracted when I was writing this and don't really want to re-read it all to make sure it all makes sense.  Whoops.

So uh, a more direct question rather than full on rambling incoherently like I seem to be doing.. I'm not entirely sure how to start or bring up the conversation with my doctor.  Really not sure what to say!

Gosh. I have read so much stuff over the past few days.  So much to take in.

One frustrating thing though I can't find any info on someone going through something similar to what I am.  In that I'm already on male hormones and just want to switch to female ones.

Blerf. 5am.  This ->-bleeped-<- is driving me insane.  counting down the days to my appointment with the Gp.  I suspect he will be useless, I have no faith in that doctors surgery!

Testosterone is a powerful drug. It can do a lot of things. One of them is increasing your general level of anxiety. This only amplifies any feelings of gender dysphoria you may have. If you are getting testosterone shots, you should also have some lab work on what those levels are. It may just be too high for you.

Talk to the doc about cutting back. This can help two ways. First off you should not stop cold turkey. Crashing hormones of any flavor is not a good thing to do. If with lower T levels you feel emotionally better, then test drive that for a while. I've seen many reports of endo's starting us out on just an anti-androgen for a few months just to see how we handle the lowered T levels

The "Normal" male range varies widely. For me after a good 5 years on HRT without an anti-androgen my T level bounces back into bottom but normal range for a male. Probably totally normal for normal 58 y/o males! I have no baseline pre-hrt. I suspect that at age 14 being 6 ft tall and already starting to bald may be a small indication of how high it was.