"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone."

- Robin Williams as Lance Clayton in World's Greatest Dad (2009)

I was just looking in on my daughter who is sleeping peacefully while soft Christmas music plays from her little battered radio she keeps on at night to help her sleep.  She's 8, and so excited about Christmas this year. She's been chattering about it all day.

She has no idea that my marriage is crumbling apart, or if she does, she's not said much to suggest otherwise. I have a strong feeling that this time next year she's going to be with my wife and I'm going to be far away and that just breaks my heart.

I've been the primary caregiver to my daughter since we adopted her when she was 8 years old. Currently I'm unemployed while going to college full time and caring for my daughter when not in class, while my wife works at a bank making about $40,000 a year. While I won't be graduating with honors, I've done very well in school and I graduate college in May. I stand a good chance of finding employment in museum work, which will pay alright. Transition is going relatively well, if slowly, and isn't an issue with my marriage. That all makes it sound like my life's about to do nothing but pick up.

Unfortunately, it's about to all come crashing down.

My wife has always had issues with anxiety, but over the last 3 years, it's skyrocketed to the point that it's completely ruined our relationship. By that, I mean that I have no idea what will throw her into a screaming panicked rage and it can be anything from spilling water on the kitchen counter, to a simple question like what she would like to do for dinner. She refuses to get help. She also has, since I've started college, taken absolute financial control over our life ... and run our finances completely into the ground. She refuses to let me even look at bills, which bothers me greatly. She makes decisions without my consent or opinion (such as getting a car that costs us 400 dollars a month which we really can't afford), attends concerts on the other side of the country that cost thousands,  and rules how our marriage is run and how our child is raised in ways I don't have time to go into right now ... all in an attempt to try to make her mother proud of her. On rare occasions she becomes violent, but she is thankfully not strong enough to cause me any serious harm.

...I know that sooner or later our marriage is going to be over. I'm scared that I won't be able to get custody of my daughter. I'm worried because I have no idea how much debt will be shoved onto me if I divorce, and I know that when I finally do, all she's going to have to do to get custody of my kid is to say she wants it ... simply because I can't afford to pay for a prolonged custody battle.

...

I have no idea what to do.

Plan for the worse, hope for the best.

For us, the worse, since she knows you're trans, is making it very public ahead of schedule and making that the reason for everything. Throw in a good size dose of trans induced shame and guilt and you right along since deep down you know in your heart you really did cause all this. The world was a happy place for everyone in your life before dropping the T-Bomb.

As an end run start now and document, document, document. Every blowup, every irrational act, every physical altercation, every tossed anything. One of those sound recording pens may be handy. This way if things go bad it is a bit more then a He said, She said. Demonstrate how irrational she is. BTW, if your name are on any finanicial accounts you can have access to the records. If not, you're in big doggy do-do. One day she'll be gone along with every dime you thought you had. With some backup to your claims you "May" stand a small chance of getting custody of your daughter. Sadly, in this age men are still sacrificed upon the alter of Divorce Court

My wife is also prone to very high anxiety. Most days I have no clue what I am going to come home to, High Strung, plain ole suicidal, A night of WTF did this come from, Or why/how is this something to jump down my throat over? It has taken me a long time to barely get a handle on it. A good portion of it started blooming not long after I dropped the T-Bomb and us going through months of healing and gallons of tears. One minute she is totally supportive and knows my pain well, then later or the next day some off handed totally hurtful comment

In her case we both know where this really comes from, her medications. She has been living with debilitating chronic pain for about 15 years now. The one common side effect of every pain med is... anxiety. I don't really consider 10% a low incidence but apparently the pharmaceutical and medical world does, so the docs dismiss you, especially if you are a female. To get these guys to do anything for her I need to be with her for the doctor visits. Otherwise I guess they dismiss her as being hysterical.

Is your wife on any sort of medications, prescribed or recreational? That may be the underlying problem with her

Hugs, Amy. This is one of the hardest things you can go through.

There's no pleasant way to deal with the potential breakup of the marriage. It will involve pain, hurt feelings, and situations you can't control.

During my divorce my most powerful weapon was acceptance. To accept that there were things I couldn't control, and outcomes that might be bad for me. Praying helped, though I'm a bit of an atheist, so I prayed to my inner strength to be able to accept that I wasn't going to be able to control what happens. It really helped.

And one more thing: You MUST get legal help. Protect yourself and your money legally. If you can't afford a lawyer, look into low cost legal help. Don't sit and wait and hope things will get better. Do what you can to protect yourself.

We're always here if you need us.

Amy, hugs

I am sorry you are dealing with this. Divorce is painful and loss of custody is crushing.

It sounds like your wife needs help. Perhaps her mother can help get through to her.

Her actions do not seam rational at all.

This is a hard one. I don't think a solution is likely to present itself until your wife recognises and admits she has a problem. Does she have friends or family who are noticing similar to what you are noticing? Maybe one or more of them of them can get through to her, make her see she is in a spiral and find a way to start treating it. As Joanne says, hope for the best, see if there is a way you can influence the outcome. Hugs.