A male stranger discovered me from a profile I had written six years ago. I had no idea the profile was still on the internet and have, since, tried to remove it. He liked my words.... For a week, we shared thoughts, feelings and dreams as we both agreed, due to the fact we lived in different states, that the chances of our meeting were, as he put it, "slim to nil." As his letters got longer and longer, I realized that he, despite the agreement not to meet, was investing a lot of time in writing to me. While some say that we should only "out" ourselves if someone becomes intimate, I feel that wasting someone's time, if you care about them, is just as appropriate a reason. Our talk was never, contrary to what you might think, sexual in nature. We agreed, from the beginning, to never share personal ID-type info. We are both philosophical and enjoy examining life. Nevertheless, I feel that despite our agreement to never meet, people who are romantic in nature (those who see the glass half-full), can have hidden hopes. He at one point, mentioned "putting his arm around me" in a comforting way. Friends can do that, but who knows what his dreams are? He may not even know himself.
So, I sent him this "out" letter as an INTRODUCTION to the real me. Tears fell as I wrote this last night:
Thank you for your "part 1" -- I feel I must write before you write further... With every letter of yours, I sense you are a kind, compassionate and intelligent person. I've always strived to be those three things, also. Rather than respond to specifics in your letter, I have to confess that I feel weight on me. You state at the end of your email, "If we don't address issues directly, we just tend to make things worse." Stating things directly, of course, has risk. I've told you that I feel guilt about wasting your time and you've responded that you enjoy our talks. Striving to soothe my guilt, I pointed out that you initiated our discussions and even suggested that we write on a weekly-rate. We've both agreed on no-expectations and I've suggested in my letters that friendship, to me, is more desirable. In part, that's because I see little chance for another "love" in my life. Believe me, it's not pessimism: Though I'm romantic in notion - that the best is yet to be - I can also be a realist. Sadly, my past has, so far, sealed my future fate.
Contrarily, when my ex worried that another love wasn't possible, I said optimistically that even people who are missing arms or legs have found love. I initiated the split-up -- the insults towards me, while I know were in trying to protect me, became a horrible lifestyle. We were both very upset when we broke up. I questioned if I was losing the love of my life but, at the same time, also knew that we were different people with different needs. I fell deeply in love two times in the first two years after my split-up. They professed their love for me. We were totally honest with one another and I think they truly did love me. Until they left.
In many ways, you and I share the same values, philosophies, interests and dreams but that may not be enough to keep our friendship. My closest friends see my value in this world and in their lives. I know that I have talent in being able to express my thoughts and feelings. People have told me that I'm a good writer. I've said to you that writing helps me to define my life, examine it, and give it meaning. Whether you choose to continue our "talks" is in your court.
What I am, people have killed. Murdered. With malice.
We've discussed that society has a need for conformity. All things that do not conform must be spit out. Put in the garbage. To bigots, that garbage would be me. I am a popular joke to society. Comics use what I am to get guaranteed laughter. I am a post-operation male to female transsexual. There -- I've said it. The people in a film group I belong to understand my life because they've known me and have appreciated me and my work over the years. People around the U.S. have enjoyed my video documentaries and have even called them "precious." Yes, I also worked as an editor at a Hollywood studio but architecture, not mass-media cop shows, is my true love.
I have lived most of my life, 48 years, as a person who knew from birth that I was a woman. Yes, it's a comic's joke but it also happens to be true. There are many medical studies going on trying to find the "reason" for transsexuals. Some studies note that the brain and body of a baby develop at different times. If the hormonal "soup" in the womb is different from one thing to the next, the body can end up one way and the body another. Of course, all people, male and female, start as female.
Other studies have shown that, in dead transsexuals, the gender part of the brain is the same size in my brain as in any woman's brain. In males, that part of the brain is larger.
Others point to children who have mixed genitalia at birth. Some doctors and parents have secretly agreed, at birth, to make the male genitalia disappear because it's an easier thing to do, surgically. Creating a penis is not possible. Unfortunately, there is a high statistical rate for these "women" to feel, as they grow up, that they are men. There was a 20/20 episode about this problem. It depicted how the parents, in most of these cases, eventually admit to the child that a doctor did gender surgery when they were born. Suddenly it's an "Aha!" moment for the child. That's why they felt like they were in the wrong body for so long! Most then elect to "transition."
For 21 years, I was married to a woman who, like you, had a Jewish background. When I transitioned, she was very worried that I didn't understand prejudice as she did. In her past, she'd told me how she would be upset if her parents put anything "Jewish" into the front window at Christmastime. She didn't want her friends finding out. One time, a friend let her wear a Christian cross at a school day-trip to Olverra Street and she admits that she felt happy at the time. She felt that she "belonged." She admits that she wanted to be like everyone else -- not different.
She felt that, by transitioning from male to female, I didn't properly understand society's bigotry. She claims that she was trying to "protect me" but there is a part of me, still, that wonders if she really just feared losing her lifestyle. I'm sure that she thought I'd lose my job, lose my friends and family and become terribly depressed. Contrarily, I was able to continue working as an editor for many years and I kept my friends and family. My family, as I've said, is intelligent and not prone to stereotyping people or blindly following cultural "values." Over time, I've actually gained gay friends who had ignored me up to that point in my life. Most say that being female is much more suited to the true "me" inside. I'm not, as you might guess, the panzy-ish stereotype that some think of when they hear "transsexual." I don't wear dresses or heels and I choose to wear casual attire that is worn by women of my age. If anything, I've resisted wearing overtly "feminine" clothing because, to me, it would be like matching people's stereotype of transsexuals.
Just so you know, most single transsexuals face my dilemma: You meet people and, at some point, you feel you need to tell them about your past. Usually people like me wait until it seems like a relationship has the possibility of being serious. If we told every new person we met immediately about our past, all we would accomplish is watch people walk away. Strangers on the street, 100% of the time, treat me as what they see -- a female. Sometimes, in the morning, I'll need to answer the door and so I quickly throw on pants and a t-shirt. The delivery people always refer to me as "ma'am" and that, of course, makes me smile.
After my ex and I split up, I tried dating both men and women. Though society paints a picture that we're different, my suspicion is that a lot of the differences are nurture rather than nature. I found, as I told you, that most of the men were simply interested in sex. I found that puzzling. I thought that men would rebel against that stereotype -- as I had when I played the "role" of man. Why would men want to be simple caricatures rather than the people who had created incredibly insightful love songs and stories? I also began to worry about being assaulted. I had no desire to end up hanging on a barbed-wire fence, dead. Many American men have deep societally-created homophobia. In addition to hatred that they might feel towards me, I also wanted to avoid giving them grief. Though I'm very "passable" as a woman, I know that men would torture themselves about being with me. It wouldn't be fair to them. I know that most would think, "How could I not sense this? Is there something wrong with me?" The truth for them is difficult to accept: The fault is neither with them or me. They didn't suspect my being anything but a female because, truthfully, I am and have always been female.
Dating women, I found, felt both safer and more of a possibility. If a woman found out my male past, I just don't think it would be as complicated a dilemma for them as it is for men. Many lesbians have dated men in their past and so there wouldn't be that disgust or embarassment-factor (eeeeeww!) that men seem to feel.
There are gender incidents that I experienced which I found interesting -- it's funny how men and women are treated differently. As a "guy," I was ignored by guards when I entered the studio. Now, as a woman, I found that they smiled and talked with me as I entered. It felt like I was going from being treated like a "nobody" to a "somebody." Female to male transsexuals have told me they've experience exactly the opposite -- suddenly, they feel like non-entities.
There's more (gee, that sounds like infomercial jargon, lol). I've come to realize, though, that some people leave and some people stay when I tell my tale.
I'm sorry if, as I feared, I've been a waste of your time. Obviously, you were on a dating site to hopefully find a date. And, unfortunately, I'm the proverbial joke of the internet. That's why I've stopped dating. Most transsexuals and their psychologists consider what we have to be a "birth defect" that is, unfortunately, only correctable by surgery. My brain cannot be changed. It's one of the few medical conditions that society deems appropriate for humor. My friends see, in me, someone with a warm heart -- someone who is worth knowing. Someday, perhaps, I'll find my lifetime companion. In the meantime, I enjoy the friends I have.
The choice to simply be a friend of mine or not is yours. I again, if you wish, have no problem with conversing on a weekly basis. Perhaps, that would add to the chances of our having a longer friendship. As we've discussed, internet friendships seem to rise quickly and die quickly. It can, of course, be a very superficial place.
If the choice is to not continue, I understand. I'm sorry for your wasted time and there is no need to explain. I wish you well. I've enjoyed our "talks."
Teri Anne
-------------Since that time:
He wrote to me the next morning, stating that he wished to continue our "talks." A part of me just wants to crawl back in my hole. While I voiced the thought in Susan's that "I've declared victory" and that "I'm ready for my parade," there seem to always be times when I'm pulled back to that transsexual war. I want a life as a woman. Can I ever leave my past in the past?
I know that many in Susan's will advise me to keep quiet about my past unless there is the possibility of sexual intimacy. In the past, I have always made that my determining factor on whether to "out" myself. But this guy is nice and I felt guilt in his investing an hour or more in writing to me.
While I was worried about him, I confess that I'm tired of "out" letters or "out" talks. I haven't had one in five years. Yet here I am, back in the trenches.
Teri Anne
