It is weird, this time last year, I was certain that I needed to come out as MTF and transition.. But now I really think that would have been a horrible choice. As much as I would love to just identify as a woman and transition, I feel like that is wrong for me.. Also to identify completely as a man feels a bit weird as well, doubt I could ever identify fully as any gender.

Though, I am fine with my birth name and my gender pronouns, since after almost 18 years, it feels normal to me. My clothing, already leans somewhat androgynous, and I am perfectly comfortable with how I dress at this moment(dark clothes mostly, a t-shirt, jeans, orange converse, during the winter I of course wear thick jackets).

But anyways, yeah, this is just weird. I am finally somewhat happy with what I feel I am. I currently don't identify as any gender, though I wouldn't risk telling my parents now since they can legally kick me out of the house, and I finally know that they think trans people are freaks.

I am also no longer as anti-social as I used to be, and much more open to physical contact. Can finally have a conversation without just randomly going silent, probably mostly due to having stuff to talk about now(mostly medical related, thinking about going to college for physical therapy or nursing).

I think my sort of cousin is going to be spending a week at my parents house starting I think either Saturday morning, or Sunday morning, which will be interesting. I technically turn 18 in about 30min(probably closer to 1am, since as far as I know I was only about an hour away from being born on the 25th). I guess overall at this moment, I have things figured out.

I forgot the point of this post already, mostly just doing and update type of thing.

Oh yeah, touching the sexuality side of things for a moment, I am sort of identifying as panromantic ace or something like that, since I have finally realized I am in fact, not sexually attracted to any gender at this moment, but I do have feelings for some people. Took me a long time to figure out that part.

So glad I am no longer just sitting on my computer feeling sorry for myself, that felt horrible... Also made me never get things done.

Guess this was my update type of post thing, time to go back to lurking.

Nothing all that weird about finally feeling comfortable being in your own skin. Finally happy being you. Finally happy feeling like one complete person. Feeling good about whatever steps and introspection that took place over the past year or so to get to where you are today. You found peace. You can experience joy, perhaps even passion.

Of course, if you only just scared the crap out of yourself over this past year, let the lifetime of shame and guilt drive you into deeper denial... well perhaps some more introspection may be in order some day, when you are ready to and desire to be able to.

I experimented twice in my early twenties with transition. Both times I stopped it. Six years ago I decided I needed to take the trans beast head on. Not that I wanted to. Today I am finally happy being in my own skin. I can embrace all my accomplishments and feel good that I really did earn them. I am far happier then I ever was. I also wish I didn't have to do and be doing what I am to feel this way. But then again I never wanted to be a TG either.

It is human nature to see what appears to be THE solution and latch on to it, to run with it before even think if it really is right for you, much less stand a chance of really working. In this internet age you see hundreds of success stories, thousands of testimonials... from the winners. Losers tend not to be braggarts. I still, after six years, on HRT, achieving my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman, am still unsure about a full-time transition. I consider myself lucky, I don't NEED to. Today. Six years ago I didn't see myself walking around with a B cup either.

Hmm, sort of unrelated, but one thing I think I will probably do at some point in the next few years, is get my hormone levels tested, wanted to do it earlier this year out of curiosity, but thinking about it I do have some things that I would like to make sure things are going as they should and don't require some kind of medical help.