I have been together with my spouse for five years. He is straight. He knows I am trans and would be ok if I just got a top surgery but doesn't accept me as a man. He would like me to be deeply closeted all the time. He has gotten angry about stuff like me buying mens' deodorant. I understand him. This is hard. He wanted a family with me. Grow old with me. He doesn't get how being a man could be so important.

The thing is that I didn't choose this. I can't carry on like this. It is not an option. I can't help it that I can't live as a woman. I got to leave him but it's hard. He will think I am selfish or sick. He is afraid of living alone. He thinks he will never find anyone else and neither will I if I transition. I know it would be hard for him to find anyone since it's hard for him to talk to new people but if he wants he could always have me as a friend and as a flatmate if he would be ok with it.

When we got together I knew I wanted to live as a man but I couldn't imagine I would transition some day. I was messed up and really sick. I didn't know I would have to do this to him.

I keep wondering if I am just selfish. But wouldn't it be worse to know I can't really carry on and have a family with him or something and then mess up the family? Or deny him the change to have kids. He isn't getting any younger either so would it be wrong to take any more years from him? He is still quite young so he would have plenty of time to find someone and have that family with someone who actually is a woman. And it would be awful if I got really sick and committed a suicide and he would blame himself for the rest of his life. I know I must leave him but it's hard.

I don't know. I just needed to get this out. I know many of you have propably been in similar situation or you are in one at the moment.

Hey Pogotractor,

I'm sorry it's difficult for you at the moment. Many of us can relate -- I'm in a similar situation with my husband of 14 years (no anger from him though).

I feel guilty for what I'm doing to him, but transitioning doesn't have anything to do with being selfish. It's mostly about survival and about having a chance to find some peace. I don't think anyone has the right to pressure us into giving up this chance for their sake.

I'm really sorry for all you're going through right now, Pogotractor.

You're not being selfish at all. Finding and being your true authentic self is one of the most important things in this life.

I think the best course of action is therapy and/or support groups for you and your husband. It sounds like he needs someone he can talk to and work through his feelings with, and the two of you would probably benefit from couples therapy to help you communicate better and work through this and plan for the future.

Best of luck with everything.

Quote from: Pogotractor on December 19, 2014, 03:21:40 AM
I keep wondering if I am just selfish.

Needing to be who you are is not selfish.

Even if it were, what kind of partner would you be if you were constantly fighting a battle between who you are and who other people want you to be?

IMO, no one has a right to ask another human being to act like someone else other than who they are. That sort of dishonesty destroys the soul.

Hi Pogo,

Your situation seems so familiar. I'm of course on the other end, mtf, wife, 8 month old son. I have no answer for you, but would like to share my story with you.

Like you, I have come to a point where I want/NEED nothing more than to transition for my sanity. I also want to spend the rest of my life with my wife but know she will never accept the woman she married. She did marry a woman, I just wasn't honest with her or myself at the time.  I knew, I really knew about this since I was 5, just always thought I could subdue my inner woman and suppress the desire to transition.

I identify as lesbian and always have, just pretended I could live as a man. Impossible when you're about as feminine as you can possibly get pretending to be a man. I see a therapist who helped me acknowledge that this isn't going to go away and will just increase in intensity.  It has year by year, month by month, and now week to week, day by day. It's so out of control at times I can't imagine living like this the rest of my life.

I feel such guilt and shame, not for who I am, I like me, but for the pain and suffering I know will be brought to my wife and son when I eventually have to make the transition that is inevitable. It is inevitable, and I figure I may as well start the process now, rather than in 2, 5, 10 years. It is just going to be harder on everyone the longer I wait. I love them more than anything  and nothing makes me happier than being with them. The thought of losing them kills me.

When I think of transphobia and what it will do to stigmatize them and not just me the rest of their lives, I feel like a selfish bitch. Then I get reminded of how painful the dysphoria has become and feel there is no other choice. If only the world was accepting as most of us are here regarding gender identity.

Whatever decision you make, you are not alone, I found guidance here, found the perfect therapist through another girl here and am starting to sort this all out. The people you will meet here will never have all the answers, but they will support you and help you as best they can.

Amelia

I've long maintained that SO's have a far harder time dealing with this then we do. We spent a lifetime trying to get a handle on what it means to ourselves to be 'trans'. It is something you cannot explain to yourself, much less anyone else.

My wife, who knew I had GD and is very well acquainted with it, knew of my early experiments with transition, knew I needed my occassional cross-dressing to survive, was not all too happy after 30 year of me dropping the T-Bomb on her. Six years later she still isn't thrilled but I am alive, and a far better person for tackling this head on. I still primarily present male due to other circumstances. We play things one day at a time.

Even SO's that want to be supportive do eventually 'Crack'. I've seen it twice now in this past year or so with my support group members. Gung-ho supporters but when things got to be too too real, aka 'Not a phase', that was the end.

Statistically speaking most relationships don't last. But then neither do half or more of all marriages these days. So, Chicken or Egg? One statistic that is not in question is the suicide rate for us.

Which odds do you want to try to beat?

Thursday an office friend I talk to gave me some advise. We were talking about a very similar subject but it was about me and my wife. I said I am at fault or it is all my fault. I may have said it three times. She said she would hear her girlfriends say that all the time then she said look you made a mistake, pick up the pieces and move on.

Another office friend and I were discussing the same matter. I said I gave her 5 choices and she said do not put it in her court and ask her to decide. Instead, tell her what you want and ask her if she can live with that. If not then decide what you are doing to do then do it.

I am in a very similar situation but my wife is 47 and my best friend. However, we are distancing and I feel guilty.

So am I being selfish? I think I am not lacking what and how my wife feels about me transitioning to a woman. I understand how she feels, betrayed, hurt and afraid. So I am not selfish. However, I am changing my body and how I am perceived by others. Also, I am asking her to accept and be with me. Being trans in public is very difficult unless you pass. I am asking her to share in that displeasure. She also has said she is not lesbian and is heterosexual. So I am changing while she is being consistent. I guess I am shattering the old and making a new and I know this is causing her displeasure. It hurts doing this to another person, someone you love, but this is what I am doing. I am trying to match on the outside how I feel on the inside and if it hurts her  and I feel her pain.

Thank you for all the replies. I am sorry for not returning earlier. I wasn't in a good condition. I guess I was near to some kind of mental breakdown. I have been with family for X-mas and although they know about me being trans and they accept it but they still call me "girl" 5-10 times a day (I guess I am lucky. No gendered pronouns in our language). It's not the only factor but stress piles up and it was the last straw. I must remember that. I can't even handle this anymore. How could I live as a woman for the rest of my life and be happy? I try to be cool with being misgendered. I try not to notice but it doesn't work. I would like to experience physical pain rather than being called a girl.

JoanneB, you are right. We have been dealing with this for all our lives. This is not an easy thing to understand. For cis-people being male or female is very different. Most of them don't try to be mean. They just don't get it. Even we don't really understand and I guess it's hard to accept for us too.

I know my partner would prefer me to stay alive and be happy even if I have to break up with him. He just doesn't understand how this is about it now.

Thank you again for replies. You made me think a bit clearer about this.