I'm familiar with the idea that people who identify as transgender feel that they've been the opposite sex for years. I however have been feeling like I may be the wrong gender only for a short time. Lemme start from the beginning:

When I was little, around 4, I found out that guys don't have to sit to pee like us girls do; they could just stand. And I thought that was so great, and wanted to do that immediately! I stopped only after realizing there was a certain vital 'component' missing from my plan... Disappointed, but I never thought much of it after that... or rather WANTED to think much of that. I felt weird talking about that moment to anyone, worried that it was wrong or that I would be ridiculed.

I never really felt out of place in my body growing up. Being a girl was something I more or less took with indifference. Sure, I played dress up, wore dresses and tights, and my favorite color was pink for a few years, but only because I could see very clearly boys went one way, girls went another. And it was clear that deviating from any set roles for your gender meant being ostracized or made fun of. So I happily accepted my gender role without any questions.

I never constantly thought about being a boy, on occasion sure. But I wiped those thoughts quickly from my head because I thought those were the wrong thoughts to have. I have a progressive family, they accept all people regardless of whatever, but the few thoughts I had of being a different gender made me upset to tell them. Like it would make me sound mentally ill or some kind of pervert.

I never had much regard for my self image. In that I never really stopped and thought about how I see myself. But then by Middle School I hear the kids say how ugly and stupid I am, how I'm worthless to anyone, and how I get in the way and waste everyone's time. That was really the first time my self image was shaped. I noticed the girl in the mirror for the first time and I hated her. All the way up to college and even to this day.

The girl in the mirror is nothing but a roommate to me. Someone I don't quite know enough and it's awkward to even be around her, so I interact with her as little as possible. Her voice and her smile is irritating, and she looks so stupid when she cries.

So then a friend of mine tells me that he wants to be a woman about a year ago, and has wanted to be one since high school. And that was when I started thinking about what I wanted. I liked dressing in baggy jeans and beanie caps. I liked hucking knives at a hunk of wood with my guy friends. I liked the idea of never wearing a bra or pad ever again, and not having to sit down all the time when using the restroom.

I got my first set of men's clothes a couple weeks ago, and I fell in love. My roommie didn't look so punchable when I looked in the mirror after trying them on, and I felt great! I identify much more with being a boy, however while still retaining some love for girly things like long dresses and cute puppies, etc.

I would like to fully transition very much, but I'm wondering how on earth do I explain this to my family? They aren't ready to hear me come out now, I know that. It's good I found a community like this to vent for now. But seriously, can I identify with being trans?

I would call you a human being!

Really though, there's no "right" way to be trans. You are you. There are no boxes you have to fit into. It's perfectly fine to identify as male and still like stereotypically female things. You can identify right in the middle. You can identify anywhere in the spectrum you want. You can identify OUTSIDE of the spectrum if you want!

You are you, and your job is to be as you as you can possibly be! There's only one you, and the world needs it. 

Quote from: MugwortPsychonaut on December 26, 2014, 12:31:39 PM
There's only one you, and the world needs it. 

Thank you, that's so nice! :')

You may want to explore a LGBT community center and a trans masculine group session and seek out a gender therapist.

No one is ready to come out but there are better times.

Explore how you feel, there is no right or wrong unless you act the way others want you to act and that hurts you.

When you are clear about who you are then you can act on that at your own speed.

Hugs,

Cynthia

You are still the same person inside. You shouldn't have to hate the reflected roommate. That person? Is you. Sure, we all judge people by how they look, and when you've survived bullying it's even harder to look yourself in the eye and say you're awesome when you've been told every day by people you trust that you aren't. Transitioning is scary and telling everyone you care about that *everyone including yourself* missed a trick and there's this new hidden side of you that can't stay hidden any more is *terrifying*. The documentaries like to talk about kids who have known since they were little but that's not the whole story. The puzzle only (very very suddenly) came together for me at 32. Others have suggested a gender therapist and I would absolutely agree - exploring how those pieces fit together and where they came from at various points in your life can really help clarify a whole lot else - I know the bullying has been one of the focal points in my own sessions lately.

Coming out to parents is always going to be tricky. No matter how open-minded they are and how diverse your family is, being trans is *huge*. It's worth remembering though, that it's huge *to you*. It's the biggest thing you've ever had to get your head around - feeling like you don't recognise yourself in the mirror... most people will never experience that to such a degree. But to anyone on the outside who has any understanding of what it means, you're still you. The same person you always were, you just want to make the rest of the world see what you see - not in the mirror, but when you close your eyes.

Final point - still being into dresses and fluffy things? Totally legit. You've lived in your body, playing this character that has been the female version of you, for your whole life. You learned how to make it look good (or good enough) and *everyone* likes cute things. Hell, most of the adorable cat videos that turn up on my facebook feed are from guys. The world likes to look at people in binaries - boy/girl, short/tall, skinny/fat, black/white, gay/straight. And the best thing about going through this process is realising that if even that most fundamental first item on that list is wrong, then really nothing can be classified that way. It's all spectrums and the wonderful variation of being human. When I get done transitioning, if nothing changes from where I am now other than the outside, I'll be a spectacularly nerdy/geeky, gay, hopefully professional actor who's into figure-skating, walking up mountains, eating way too much sugar and still sleeps with a teddybear.

Like everyone else said, there's no right way to be trans. And only you can know who you really are, but there's people out there who can help you find yourself, and then help you make the outside match the inside. Good luck!

I'm wearing glittery nail polish right now. I've got long pretty girl-styled hair. My next project is a rainbow tulle and ribbon skirt (for me to wear, not for a female friend), my last self-gift was a purple unicorn plushie (not even kidding, I have photographic proof!), I'm less masculine than most "normal" girls I've known, and I totally transitioned anyways. Not even the counter clerk at the licensing office when I got my gender marker changed on my driver's license hassled me about being too effeminate to be male. Like PucksWaywardSon said, there's nothing wrong about liking what you like and still transitioning.

That said, if you don't know or have a clear idea of who you are or what you might want out of transitioning, then the best idea is to go see a gender therapist to help you figure out what you need. Not what's right, not what's expected, not what you think you should be or need or want, but what you actually need.

You could be a very masculine tomboy or feminine FTM. Or whatever.
Take the time to explore your gender expression. Don't rush into transitioning until you're really really sure.