Hi,

I need to get something off my chest and I'd like some positive advice. If your going to judge me then don't bother replying. This is a lengthy message so you are warned. This is very difficult for me. I've had very few romantic relationships in my life. I'm 31 and I've only dated five people total in my life and had three of them become my girlfriend. My longest relationship was just over two years. Two of the three girlfriends were dated before I transitioned. I've only had sex with only one person.


Anyway, I am mtf and identify as lesbian. I am currently a non-op. Six months ago I met a wonderful woman who was specifically looking to date a mtf trans-woman. It didn't matter to her if I was pre-op, post-op or non-op. Relationship time wise has been 6 months but we've only had enough dates that would correspond to 4 & 1/2 months. She just turned 38 in Nov. She's a bigger girl, but I don't mind that. She currently doesn't have a job because she was on disability for the last a year and a half because of a horrific car accident. She's hoping to get some kind of job soon cause she was kicked off disability. Since the accident she has constant back pain as well as several other medical issues.


She lives with her aunt who is bi-sexual and possibly has bi-polar disorder. My girlfriend has made plans then flaked out and cancelled at the last minute or we plan but a day later reschedules because of her aunt. This has been going on for a few months. I had talked to her a few weeks ago about this. She said that she wouldn't let her aunt's crap deter us from our relationship. It seems to be continuing though. Due to one of her medical conditions she can't do much physical activity such as taking long walks or spend too much time outside during the warmest months.


My problem is that while I lover her and care about her deeply I feel that sometimes I'm not getting what I need out of the relationship. Sometimes I feel I am. Also we haven't been intimate at all. We've kissed several times and felt each other up only once. We've cuddled several times. Do I stay in the relationship or do I walk away from it? In the past I've only been on the receiving end of a breakup or had the person i'm dating pass away. I've never been the one to initiate the breakup. I'm scared of hurting her. I don't want to break up with her and date someone else then end up wanting to go back to her but can't because she was hurt. About three weeks ago I made an online profile but haven't talked to anyone as yet. At the time I made it I felt ending it was the right thing but just hadn't done it yet. However I seemed to patched things up the second to last time we met which was two weeks ago.


I thought I had decided to remain with my girlfriend, but the last few days I've had the feeling of being stuck between do I stay or do I go in the relationship. The closest analogy is that of Anakin Skywalker who is stuck between the light side and the dark side of the force. How many trans-women have found a cis-gender woman who is attracted to and has the most in common with trans-women? Such a woman is rare to find. My girlfriend is average feminine. I am very much a girly girl. To complicate things more I got my gf a necklace for christmas I made at a bead and jewelry store. My trans-phobic parents had asked me to ask my girlfriend over for christmas dinner/presents. My parents don't have a problem with my genetic female girlfriend but they have a problem with me. Christmas was put on hold on account of my mom being in the hospital for surgery and will be released soon. I just don't know what to do about the whole situation.


I did talk to my therapist about these feelings. Normally he's really good in helping me deal with aspergers syndrome, ->-bleeped-<-, depression ect, but all he said to me was: "you have to decide to stay or leave". I already know that! It didn't help me any. I do realize that I may have made a mistake in creating the online profile but please don't judge me, I do enough self-judging as it is. I guess I'm just trying to get some advice or see if anyone has had such a situation happen to them. I would appreciate any help. Thank you.

Honestly your the only one in the position to understand how you feel about her. are you willing to take a chance and maybe find love  or maybe  find love and get hurt. Sorry , It's really your call.

You feelings legit. Your hesitancy is justified. Your g/f is what we call "High Maintenance". Your relationship is always put on hold for some reason or another. So one has to wonder if there is a big imbalance in how you are viewing your relationship, vs how she is.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with creating a profile. It isn't like you two promised to be totally exclusive is it? Even so, under the circumstances I think it is OK to put out feelers.

I've been in a similar situation; in my case it was someone who was going through her (or, perhaps his) own gender crisis, and I had to back out once it was getting too serous.  I think you need to evaluate what your own needs are going to be in the long run; if you don't think you can handle what she's going through, then things are only going to get more difficult.  Finding a relationship is incredibly tough for a trans-lesbian, I know first hand-I'd kill for a relationship right now.  But being in a toxic situation where the person is completely dependent on you, and you aren't able to have your own needs met is even worse. 

I'm not judging what you're doing at all; I think it's wonderful that you've been able to support someone in such a significant way, but it might be time to take care of yourself.  It's up to you though if you can keep doing it.  If you can't, it's best to leave.  Sometimes, you need to do the selfish thing to survive, and to be happy.

You've acknowledged that you aren't getting what you need out of this relationship. It's tough. Maybe in better circumstances it would work out. Is there any chance the two of you could make some definite plans to go away for a few days so it is just the two of you and no interference? That might give you a better picture of whether things could ever work out. I've usually waited to be told that a relationship was over, that way I wouldn't have to feel like the "bad" one. But once I was pretty much forced into it by a woman who was playing games with me. It was good to just get it out and done with, all the more so because I realised there was little chance of ever seeing her again and our lives hadn't meshed to the degree that a break up would be messy. There is almost always colateral damage in any break up, if you decide to do that you'll just have to be ready to accept that. It's unpleasant at the time and she may hate you for it but there's no point in wasting your life and love in a relationship that is giving you neither. Sorry to say but the choice is 100% yours because it doesn't sound like she's going to leave you anytime soon.

It's not beneficial for either of you to stay out of pity, I think you should move on. You've had more relationships and experience than I have though.

I wish you fortune and happiness.

I think you've already made your choice.  This girl is un-employed, disabled to some extent, seven years older and has a mentally unsound aunt in her house.

You've never actually had sex with her.  She doesn't seem particularly in love with you.

Your low self-esteem is all that makes her seem like a reasonable partner.

Your trans-sexuality doesn't make you un-desirable.  You deserve someone who can love you for who you are. There are a surprisingly large number of women who find they can love a trans-woman. Look at all the middle age women whose steady friend is a gay man (or her cat).  I know widowed women who find that another women is what they really want now.  Women tend to form romantic attachments with their very good friends and a stronger relationship can follow.

I'm sure you can be loved by a cis-woman who is healthy and employed.  Don't "settle" for someone you don't love just to avoid being alone.

Randi