Does being in deep denial admit me into the club? I knew at age 4 or 5 that I wasn't like the other girls, but not like a tomboy either. Turns out I'm a femme/metro guy myself, but only realized this a few months ago. I have the embarrassing excuse of having ignorant criteria for being "trans enough" and internalized transphobia while growing up.   

I want to quote Bran and Dangertom, but I'm on the moblie version, so I'll just comment again later.

i feel exactly the same way. i didn't finally admit to myself that i was male until very recently. i do enjoy ~femme~ things but i've always felt like that wasn't really me. presenting as masculine makes me feel at home.

I didn't know what transgender, GID, or Any of it was. I did know that I felt better in women's clothes. I know I felt wrong at a young age. And I learned that I had better not breathe another word about it. I practiced masculine behavior patterns and everything. If I didn't I knew I would "have to be toughened up". I also learned what any derogatory term to describe my dysfunction was, from my brother, my mother and stepfather. Now I have issues 35 years later not feeling shame about who and what I am. I still need to get to a therapist, I know that. But my question is why do I feel worse after I acknowledged Dysphoria, than when I was suppressing it? What should free me, is turning me into a hypersensitive emotional wreck.I came out to my wife, and stepsons, and they were cool with it, and very supportive. Yet I have this fear in me. Rambling now,  so time to shut up.

Quote from: natash on December 27, 2014, 10:31:13 PM
I didn't know what transgender, GID, or Any of it was. I did know that I felt better in women's clothes. I know I felt wrong at a young age. And I learned that I had better not breathe another word about it. I practiced masculine behavior patterns and everything. If I didn't I knew I would "have to be toughened up". I also learned what any derogatory term to describe my dysfunction was, from my brother, my mother and stepfather. Now I have issues 35 years later not feeling shame about who and what I am. I still need to get to a therapist, I know that. But my question is why do I feel worse after I acknowledged Dysphoria, than when I was suppressing it? What should free me, is turning me into a hypersensitive emotional wreck.I came out to my wife, and stepsons, and they were cool with it, and very supportive. Yet I have this fear in me. Rambling now,  so time to shut up.

It does seem ironic that putting a name to the beast makes it worse, but it's more like, putting a name on a thing is the result of seeing it clearly and fully. Before, maybe you only caught glimpses of it, in the mirror and in the fit of your clothing, and that made it seem like maybe it's not real; maybe it's not there; maybe it's not threatening. But then you learn that there is a name for the thing, and you realize that you can no longer rationalize away the beast: it's there, it's real, it's unignorable. But the good news is that once you know the nature of the beast, you'll know how to face it. And with the support of your wife and stepsons, you seem to be in great hands.

i didnt particularly know what was wrong.  i was just continuing to live my life and being miserable with myself.  trying to blame my misery on other things going on and working on trying to fix them.  of course, while the things i dealt with ended up making my life easier, i just kept getting more and more miserable, till i realized that it wasnt the things going on in my life, or the people around me that were the cause, but rather i was the cause.

in hindsight, there were alot of signs.  but i hadnt talked to people about any of them so i thaught that they were "normal" and just dealt with it.
pretty much the moment when i was having a conversation with an old friend of mine online about it and she enlightened me.  was like flipping on a lightbulb in my brain and all the pieces started falling together.

Thank you dangertom for your kind words.

First off MTF waiting for HRT to really make sure if I am if that makes any sense. I think I know why GID bites us in the tush is that after thinking of things in the past and how we reacted to things and or other people perhaps differently then our birth gender that we find out about GID. When I discovered it it was like a eureka moment of o that's whats up with me then started to think more on it and as I accepted it more then I really got more emotional about it.

Big reason I was emotional about it was I think It was the fact I was facing the truth and in that the old fear of truth and that truth hurts thing. Next step for me at least is to taste the hormones so to speak as well as delve into my soul more to figure out who/what the heck I am.

Now I could be wrong but I think the bad part of GID is more the fear of change as well as the fear of oppression by others for thinking nah you cant be or when you are in that transition phase people looking at you oddly fear. I admit I also have days of what in the hell am I thinking am I just delusional and in ways I hope I am would be easier to deal with but maybe I am not delusional either.

The big question I think all here can attest to is To be or not to be or to really be who you are?

Btw failed to mention now at 42 I have finally seen the light or think so even though had signs in the past and one kicker was first friend I came out to. I went to tell him and in reverse he asked me first which put me into shock and don't have a lot of friends or family but basically all of them have so far seem to accept it.

If we can all figure out the truth about ourselves and deal with it however that goes then I think we shall finally be at peace. Just hope for all that the road is smooth and not bumpy but I am sure it will have some bumps along the way no matter what.

It's taken me being forced off work and stuck at home with literally nothing to do for me to realize that I have genderqueer tendencies. I am still somewhat unsure and private about it in person, having shared it with only two people in my circles (and by proxy to some friends of the first, since they had met me as F and then were informed prior to a group party where I was presenting as M). No one in my family knows one whit about this yet, even though I was bound at the family XMas gathering.

The scariest part of this for me is how strongly I feel drawn and called to religious life (Nun, Priest, Monk... I don't know anymore, my friend made up Nunk for me). Up until I started exploring this aspect of myself, I was *hardcore* seeking into a Nun's community, now I'd be rather embarassed over the whole thing!!!

I really knew all along. It was pretty intense too. Every time I wanted to nod off for a nap (at home, on the bus etc) I would imagine myself as a woman. I would even feel it too, feel my breasts and  even my vagina. I got very good at it that I had some vivid dreams as a woman too.

But I never really felt the need to transition because I felt I could live and be happy in my little fantasy world. I also thought I would never look like a woman, and I would look like a freak. Well I was so wrong. Dressing came back with a vengeance and I saw you tubers and what they had done and how they were before. Then I figured I should get help and try to make myself happy. Then we are where we are now.

It wasn't until I was 12 that I knew that something's off as I started to have weird feelings, and I'd picture myself as having a vaguely feminine body when I grow up (with breasts). It didn't make sense back then, but now that I look back, it only reinforces what I am now. Before that (ages 6-10) I thought I only had a problem with assigned gender roles, it only got worse after that until I finally figured out what I was going through when I was about 20. At the moment, I just don't want to grow up.

I'm so glad this thread exists. I'm 28 (not all that old I know), but still I feel like looking back there were all sorts of blatant signs that I just ignored or pushed away. I didn't grow up in a very accepting house and went for a pretty conservative college for my first two years.

Still, I knew I was different. I just stuck to the whole tomboy thing because it was easy.

And now, looking back, I wanna shake some sense into my younger self.

Quote from: Cin on December 31, 2014, 07:57:37 AM
...At the moment, I just don't want to grow up.

Haha yes... it's like I'm going through a second adolescence and I don't want to grow out of it just yet.

Quote from: AbeLane on December 31, 2014, 08:16:59 AM
I'm so glad this thread exists. I'm 28 (not all that old I know), but still I feel like looking back there were all sorts of blatant signs that I just ignored or pushed away. I didn't grow up in a very accepting house and went for a pretty conservative college for my first two years.

Still, I knew I was different. I just stuck to the whole tomboy thing because it was easy.

And now, looking back, I wanna shake some sense into my younger self.

Heh you're 28, I'm 26 and I still think that's "old" to have figured it out, especially since I grew up in an accepting household; the pressure was all self-inflicted. Like when I was a kid and was dressing in all boys' clothing, and a kid actually asked me out because he said he liked "sloppy dressers", and I thought I was looking all cool and grunge, so I started incorporating more girly clothing so that other boys would like me and not think of me as sloppy. I was thinking at the time that boys wear this stuff and don't look sloppy; why can't I wear it and be perceived as wearing "normal" clothes?

Younger self is less wise, always.

Quote from: DangerTom on January 02, 2015, 05:08:45 PM
I thought I was looking all cool and grunge.....I was thinking at the time that boys wear this stuff and don't look sloppy; why can't I wear it and be perceived as wearing "normal" clothes?

Yes. Totally this.

Also, lets build a time machine and go educate our younger selves.

I thought that I was some weird crossdresser or something when I was a teenager (40 years ago).  Nothing in the literature at the time talked about "transgender" behavior. 

Fast forward to now.  After living all these years as male, I still think "WTF?" when I feel "complete" dressed as a woman.  I didn't know that my feelings were that strong.  Must have been buried and now they're coming out.

Marie

When I first discovered 'TGism', I just wanted to fit in with everyone else, even though I didn't feel as strongly about cross dressing/make up and stuff like that as most other people (I felt strongly about wanting a different body though). I had a hard time accepting this, because I felt insecure and didn't want people to question my 'authenticity'. Now I realize that no transgender people are the same, or at least they don't have to be. 

Quote from: Cin on January 03, 2015, 02:09:17 AM
When I first discovered 'TGism', I just wanted to fit in with everyone else, even though I didn't feel as strongly about cross dressing/make up and stuff like that as most other people (I felt strongly about wanting a different body though). I had a hard time accepting this, because I felt insecure and didn't want people to question my 'authenticity'. Now I realize that no transgender people are the same, or at least they don't have to be.

This is interesting. I definitely get this. When I was debating cutting my hair, my first worry was that I would be ugly. And having some interest in dating guys, I couldn't think of anything worse than being perceived as ugly. I just wanted to fit in; I didn't want my short hair to make me different. But I wasn't being authentic, so I was really torn. I knew how to be an attractive girl; I didn't know how to be attractive and androgynous/masculine.

No two cis women are the same: some like skirts and some prefer slacks; some like their breasts others think they're too big/small. No two cis men are the same: some like dressing dapper and others prefer flannel; some like their bodies and others want to be bulkier/skinnier/bigger. Why should any two FTM or MTF be the same?

I think after years of inauthenticity, it starts to feel easy to use group membership to dictate personal choices, so it's really tempting to trade one group membership for another, and try to be an average/normal/standard trans person. But no such thing exists, and you won't be automatically accepted if you fake a strong desire to cross-dress from a young age.

Anyways yeah, I'm totally in this position. But like right now I'm wearing guys' clothes and a binder and flower earrings, and up until 10 minutes ago had nail polish on. We all do gender a little differently.

Quote from: AbeLane on January 02, 2015, 06:07:02 PM
Yes. Totally this.

Also, lets build a time machine and go educate our younger selves.

I'll get my legos and my copy of "Nobody Passes".

As a small child (until I was about 4 or 5), I didn't know there was a difference bebetween boys and girls. When I finally realized there was, I started to think we could change by choice thanks to that ever popular parent line "You can be anything you eant to be when you grow up." Around age seven I started being really concerned that other boys had a penis and I didn't, so I asked my mom when mine would groe. Needless to say, the resulting conversation spurred years of self loathing.

I guess I just always knew.

Quote from: DangerTom on December 19, 2014, 10:52:44 PM
I am pretty femme/metro as far as guys go. And for a long time I thought I was a girl. But although I loved putting together femme outfits, I always felt like I was dressing someone else; styling someone else's hair. I didn't really recognize myself in the mirror. Nowadays I am binding more and more. I realize that many of my hangups during sex were about how we interacted rather than who I was with. But I feel like I should have known! I should have had more indications than a really hardcore tomboy phase when I was a kid. Granted I had really conformist friends who shamed me for doing anything weird, and I spent years trying to fit in with them or fearing their scrutiny. Anyways, slowly I'm getting more comfortable being seen as masculine, and I can't really help it, I'm just drawn to presenting masculine, I feel a serious need to flatten my chest, and I like my male name (which I haven't told many people about) better than my birth name. So like, ->-bleeped-<-'s getting real. I just... I mean... come on, shouldn't I have known?? And did anyone else just not know??

Hey Tom I don't think anyone just knows at least I didn't I was born a boy but even at a young age 7 or 8 I would try on my mums jewellery. I had no idea someone could be as the Cliché goes be born in the wrong body I thought I was alone in feeling the way I did. It wasn't until later years I came to realise I'm not alone and It took quite a while to work out that I wasn't just a boy who liked girls clothes but a girl who was born with the wrong body.