Here's my (longish) story, and I hope I can find some help on this forum:

I am a cross-dressing male, in a great relationship with a wonderful woman for nearly a decade (married for the last few), and she has always accepted me in every way, including knowing and being supportive of my CDing (within our home) in the recent past.
She has asked me a few times (in that strange way where you know there is only one "right" answer) whether I have anything else on my mind (like any confusions about my gender identity etc) and I have said no.
It's not the complete truth (because I am definitely curious) but it's not a complete lie either (because I have not made up my mind, and I have never had the strong feelings of gender dysphoria that I have read that others have).
But I get this feeling that this side of me is growing, and I may have to do something about it soon.

To give a bit of a background, I was brought up in a 'normal' way where I learnt to live just fine as a boy.
There were ways in which I was different, some of which could be called feminine, which I won't go into here because of the risk of stereotyping.
Despite that, I behaved quite normally as a boy, and even the CDing was non-existent (I may have been curious at times but I was too goody-goody to figure out how to do it without getting caught). The CDing has only grown recently as I have figured out how to buy feminine clothes in my size without getting caught etc.
Coming back to my wife, she is totally supportive of the CDing, and even gets 'turned on' by it (she says she has a bit of a 'lesbian side', which pre-dates her knowing about my CDing), so it works quite well for both of us. But for her, the line is drawn at taking this public, or 'coming out' in any way which will affect our 'normal' lives.
I would also draw the line there, but I do feel (and act upon) the urge to wear at least some of my feminine clothing hidden under my male clothes while going out etc. I know that 'coming out' will most likely cost me my family, friends, career etc where I live, so I cannot even think about it right now, even if I could decide what (if anything) I have to 'come out' as.

But since this feeling is growing, and I still think we have our whole lives ahead of us, I thought I should at least share my story here and see what advice I get. Am I right in believing I have never had gender dysphoria, or do my words/actions indicate precisely the opposite? Is it something which will remain where it is today, or can it grow with time and make things worse?

Hello Cindy,

welcome to the forums

I think unfortunately many of us are experiencing that their dysphoria gets worse as they get older. It doesn't have to be this way, but it could.

From what you write, your wife sounds fairly accepting. You should consider telling her what you just posted here -- that you are questioning your identity and that you're experiencing a change in how you feel about cross-dressing. Make it clear that you haven't been withholding anything from her and that this has begun only recently. You haven't made any decisions yet, so she can be in on this process from the beginning.

welcome cindy,

Quote from: adrian on December 29, 2014, 02:21:00 PM
From what you write, your wife sounds fairly accepting. You should consider telling her what you just posted here

i agree with this 100%, i would also suggest talking to a therapist (if you feel comfortable with this), they can help
i know mine has helped me so much in the short time i have been talking to her.

If you've had gender dysphoria you'd know you've had GD, although you may be unsure that's what it is as GD is a feeling of being uncomfortable with your body or/and being perceived as your birth sex, which can be confused with other conditions.  I do agree that it does get worse as you get older and that you should go see a gender therapist. Make sure it is a gender and not just a regular phychiatrist. Also Cindy's right about telling your wife. If you hide your feelings now your relationship will only suffer in the long run.

If you have a choice of backing out and avoiding the transsexual path, I recommend that you do so.

My wife knew of GD for over 30 years and was somewhat supportive of my cross dressing. I had also told her of my two early experiments with transitioning. Over those 30+ years my cross dressing actually slowed to stopped between other things in life taking priority, in hindsight the pain of jumping back and forth, and the guilt to shame. Though supportive I know she was bothered by it. Often it would take days for her to get the image of Joanne out of her mind, which really put a damper on romance.

I never got asked "Is there anything more". Only the occasional mention or nod that it would be OK if I wanted to dress. But a bottomless and expanding to-do list was always a handy excuse.

Six years ago when my life went into the crapper again, I realized that how I NOT handling being trans was the root cause. More introspection led to finding a TG support group. It wasn't long before it totally hit me that I not only needed to be there, but it was past time to tell my wife what was up.

Six years later we are still feeling our way through the darkness. Plenty of tears. Plenty of raw reptilian emotions. Plenty of sharing.

Thanks everyone for the replies and the advice.

Well, my wife is away for a few days, and I would rather talk to her in person than on the phone, so there's still some time for that.

On the other advice, here are the complicating factors:
- On knowing / not knowing about GD, well I only found out its formal details (especially how it is different from sexuality issues etc) recently. And here are the experiences and features I avoided sharing earlier: I was always considered the most shy and sensitive one in my family, was much better at handling infants than any other male I know of, was really bad at sports and teased for 'throwing like a girl', have features like the elbow angle, digit ratio and wider hips than shoulders which are supposedly feminine. Since I was bookish, it probably helped explain away some of the behavioral things. I never hated my body or my image in the mirror, but I never really cared much about how I looked either. The same goes for the desire to dress etc - I was too much of a 'nice kid' to act on it, but then I also never really defied my parents in other 'typical' ways that kids do. To add to that, my 'straight' orientation post-puberty also probably reduced my worries.

- About backing out and avoiding this path altogether, I hope I can, but for the feeling that this grows.

- I do not know (and couldn't find online) any gender therapist where I live (i.e. in the entire country) who is also not a regular psychiatrist/sexologist. And their pages list GD far below a list of other issues they deal with, so it seems like their priority / experience may be an issue. Nor have I found any support groups etc in my country for this purpose. While there are quite a few LGBTQ groups here, the T part of it seems to be the most marginalized and historically stigmatized. Also, a lot of their conversations are about sexuality (which is the least of my worries, as I am male hetero / mtf lesbian depending on how I sort out my identity issue) and the associated medical and legal problems (e.g. my country still criminalizes homosexuality).

So long story short, even if I were to sort things out myself and with my wife, we'll probably still not know where to go from there.

As a person who tried to "sort things out on my own" for well over 40 years, that route is far from my first choice. Six years ago when I needed to really really sort things out, or as I put it taking on the trans beast, for real, one of my guiding principles became "I know what does not work". I have great career based upon my ability essentially tear out all the crap that doesn't work, learn from their mistakes, and do things over again the right way. But for 50 years I was pretty stubborn about applying that talent to myself. One of the great ironies in my life is I hate change. Go figure.

Two things I never did before about the GD, see a therapist or get involved with groups. Having grown up a 15 minute subway ride away from NYC, the whole T scene scared me. All I saw was a way to get sex. Not for me. Therapy! Are you kidding me? Life sucks and then you die. Suck it up and move on. Better luck next lifetime.

So there I was in the boonies of rural West Virginia, the furthest and most unlikely place in the galaxy to find any sort of trans support spending hours each evening after work searching and searching on the internet for a straw to grasp. Anything that wasn't a three hour drive each way. I finally found a "Local" trans only support group. (BTW - T appears to stand for Token, even though it was the ->-bleeped-<-s throwing the first punches at Stonewall. Go figure?)

"Local" in my case was one state and several counties away. A 90 mile drive each way. I reached out to them, got OK'd to come to the next meeting, and was totally floored by the time it was over.

@ Joanne, thanks again for your response.

I think one thing to do is of course to talk about this with my wife in a few days.

Beyond that, when I meant I can't really find therapists or support groups, I didn't mean it as just my personal opinion, but a larger systemic issue. The country where I live criminalizes any sort of 'deviant' behavior when it comes to gender and/or sexuality, so 'coming out' can literally be a life or death matter. The only transgenders that exist are those who are basically forced to live off the street, or the occasional caricaturish celebrity. Gays and lesbians (even though criminalized) are still beginning to be somewhat open, but there is a long way to go. Given this scenario, the only doctors/therapists I could find who even list GD on their pages are those primarily dealing with sexual/fertility issues with couples etc. It almost seems like they picked the mention of GD from a medical manual or something, while their main focus is something else. Doesn't seem like they would know how or want to deal with GD, when there is very little legal or social recognition of the issue like in the west.

Despite all this, I took a bit from the advice so far and wrote to an LGBT activist that I have heard and read about in my country. Let's see if some help can be found there. Meanwhile, this virtual space already seems very helpful, so I'll keep coming back for more.

Quote from: cindy16 on December 30, 2014, 04:12:44 AM
... I was always considered the most shy and sensitive one in my family, was much better at handling infants than any other male I know of, was really bad at sports and teased for 'throwing like a girl', have features like the elbow angle, digit ratio and wider hips than shoulders which are supposedly feminine. Since I was bookish, it probably helped explain away some of the behavioral things.

It does look like you could have some kind of intersex thing going on there, which would explain the gender dysphoria. Here's a list of characteristics I put together for "eunuchoid habitus" (which is a type of body structure that often develops in people with intersex conditions).
* long, slender arms and legs
* a leg length that's significantly greater than the height of your upper body (the two should be about equal in men)
* an armspan 3cm or more greater than your height.
* sparse or very fine body hair
* a female "escutcheon" or pubic hair pattern (like an upside down triangle and confined to the pubic region)
* an inability to build upper body muscle
* feminine facial features and a generally feminine appearance (soft chubby features rather than hard muscular ones; gracile bone structure etc).
* gynecomastica
other things such as a female carrying angle, female digit ratio, absence of acne as a teenager, long, lushious eyelashes (in my case anyway). Basically you end up looking a bit like a cross between a man and a woman. It's much more noticeable during your teens and twenties; after that, testosterone (even at below normal male levels) is likely to have masculinised your body to the point where you tend to just blend in with ordinary men. The unusual bodily proportions will still be there though, since your bones have stopped growing by the time you're aged about 20.

Other things are having small, hard testicles (which could mean you're XXY), or your mother being given hormone treatment while she was pregnant with you (this, although very few doctors are likely to admit to it, is a common cause of intersex-related abnormalities and transness too).

If you do have the things in that list then I'd suggest going to a doctor and having a full set of blood work done, since it can help to narrow down what's happened to you, and should also show whether your testosterone levels have fallen to the point where your health could be affected. Unfortunately, T levels tend to fall as you get older, so, if you start off from already low T levels,  there's an increasing risk that it could start to affect your health as time goes by (of course if you are trans, then going on female HRT will avoid that particular problem, since estradiol replaces T as far as your body is concerned).

@ HughE: Thanks a lot for that helpful list. I have maybe 1-2 of those things, but not others, and there are other very masculine things about me as well. So it's a bit mixed up I guess. Although my previous medical history has never revealed anything drastically wrong, maybe this gives enough reason to seek medical help on some of these specific questions. That should be easier than finding someone trained in dealing with GD.

Wishing you all a very happy new year!

OK i found this article and although it might not apply to everyone it nailed the way I felt. i made a blog post with by scraping some of the relevant parts and putting them in one place, and a link to the complete article, its helpful to show to people when coming out. see what u think. remember, you shouldnt feel ashamed.
xx alex

http://b4and.blogspot.co.uk/2015/01/do-or-pie.html

Thanks Alex.

I already saw that article a few days back as someone else shared it as well. The 'Group 3' description pretty much nailed how I felt too.
Strangely, though I have not exactly resolved my feelings (whether or not it is GD, whether or not to transition etc), I do feel much better, and do not feel ashamed at all, simply because I was able to share my feelings with my wife, however confused those feelings may be.
We've always loved each other irrespective of any labels, so maybe that helped us both discuss it objectively.