Everyone,

I think I am more the rule rather than the exception, as I started dressing in my Mom's all-in-one, girdles, stockings and particularly high heels shoes starting at about age 6 and I have not stopped crossdressing since, but at the beginning was for sexual satisfaction and then immediately removed the article of clothing with fear and shame of being caught which I did a couple of time without any major consequences.  I have always realized that I was different but did not or could not face it.

For many years I looked at a well dress or sexy good looking woman and instead of thinking of having sexual relations with her, I would think of how it would feel looking like her, literally being in her dress and shoes and experiencing her life.  Now that I have the opportunity to openly crossdress within the confines of my house as agreed with my wife,  I think,  no anxiously desire to become one! I am already shaving my whole body and having Laser sessions to remove my hair on the body, unfortunately due the number of white hairs in my face I will need to have an electrologist remove my hair and finances are tight to do so.

I no longer have to physically release my male tension while dressed to feel good, as a matter of fact I avoid doing so as I associate it with my manhood and would much rather experience the woman style of pleasure, but since I can't I rather not feel anything.

My high is now manifested by dressing, acting and imagining myself being a total woman. It makes me lose all of my constant ongoing anxieties and it is the only time when I feel so relax that I have no way to describe it, maybe like an out of my male body and into a female body experience!

I do not want to have any male genitalia and definitely want some breast maybe a B or C sized but I realize that at 61 the chances of getting through SRS without any complications are not very high, financially unreachable and because of my lovely accepting wife of 40 years and a beautiful and lovely college age daughter that does not know anything YET I cannot transition now and may never be able; but could very well live the rest of my live with my most desired female attributes as a male in silence as being 6 feet and older would make me very difficult to pass and I would not like being embarrassed by being read all of the time.  I do plan on HRT maybe in a low dosage to prolong the inevitable and welcome changes that will take place.   BTW I like to dress modern but not too far from my age, BUT on the other hand I love my 4" high stilettos with passion.

Is this the definition of gender dysphoria?   I have been constantly thinking about it for the last 6 months since I came out to my wife, and planning how to reach my objectives even if in disguise? Including HRT  All of this may change in the future when we will probably relocate to somewhere else in the country more transgender friendly, as South Florida is not openly transgendered and I think that is highly influenced by the "Latin Machismo" which I was born into but never been part of.

BTW, I am looking for a recommended Gender therapist and Electrologist in the Kendall, South Miami area.  Please let me know if you have had good experiences with one or the other to begin treatments.

Again,   Is this Gender Dysphoria??

Any and all comments are welcome and thank you for reading my first post ever coming out.

Emily R

I fondly remember my mom's full length girdles. Obvious I am also a Pre-Jurasiac dinosaur. I too followed much the same route except twice "Experimenting" with transition in my early twenties. Both times stopping because I grew up in an era of 5'6" women, 5'10" men and I was 6ft and a candidate for "The Hair Club For Men" since the age of 14. Along with a childhood best remembered as being a big fat target for abuse and ridicule which helped to feed my negative self-esteem I never shook that "Some guy in a dress" feeling though I prayed every night since the age of 4 to wake up as a girl.

Up untill six years ago, if you asked anyone who knew me, who I worked with, even those just that saw me around, my family, my Dad, even my wife; they would all say this kid from Bayonne made it to the top of the heap. Traveled the world, making big buck, been involved with all sorts of very cool things. All I could think is "Life sucks and then you die". Sure, people think I am great. It wasn't me. Not the real me, but an image. I was a fraud. But, I do what I have to to survive. Over time, even the sort of monthly need to cross dress (which my wife was fully aware of) got stuffed down. Too many more important things to get done in the precious little "free" time I had away from work.

Then six years ago it happened again. The excrement hit the air handler, again. I wound up alone, in the middle of the boonies, lost everything that I defined myself by. For all intents and purposes even my wife. For the first time ever I was absolutely and truly alone. Even my life long friends, Diversions and Distractions, Gone. Way too much free time for a person that has "Problem Solver" flowing through her veins. (Except when it came to my life). After a lot of introspection there was only one conclusion I could draw, How I was NOT handling being trans was why my life was filled with these disasters. Also gone was the third of my 3D's. Not just Diversions, Distractions, also Denial. I needed to figure something out.

My GD if I let it can hit me a hundred times a day. Clothing adds, walking the street seeing other women, a mom with her little child, especially a daughter, just about anything that reminds me that I am not living a completely genuine life.

Yet, I also consider myself blessed. How I handle my GD has not come down to the two choices of transition or die. Well, today it is. I hope also tomorrow

For me, I do NOT remember dressing in anything at all. Not until I was about 12. I would have fantasies about dressing up and being a girl so all the boys would like me and want me. Even to this day when I dress I want a nice gentle man
to want me and be a part of my life. I prefer to dress classy with great high heel shoes or boots and have a man that desires me.

I fantasize about dressing sexy in the bedroom and having big strong man take me and make love to me and to let me do what ever I can to make him happy.

A lot of different ways, longing for boobs and the ability to get pregnant, jealously over women's curves, hatred of my hand size, discomfort with my facial hair, a sense of loss from never getting to be a little girl, ect. I don't think I could distill it down to a single thing, it attacks at all sides. 

I've never really had a longing for the ability to get pregnant, but I do have a thing for boobs, it isn't extreme though. I hate my facial hair, and my thin head hair, I know that most men hate thinning hair, but in my case, it really makes me depressed, I just hate it. I'm not even close to going bald either. Discomfort dealing with certain male parts and characteristics is there when I'm naked. I don't really have a strong urge to cross dress.

I had a consult yesterday for top surgery. As soon as I said I didn't want to keep the nipples he said that meant I wasn't looking for chest masculinization. WTF?! I don't want to be fully male but I do want a male physique (no lumps of fat hiding my chest muscles, straight hips instead of an hourglass) without the dangling boy bits. Definitely feeling a bit pissed right now.

Anyway, as to the question how dysphoria manifests for me: when I see most of what's below the upper chest it's a bit of surprise because that isn't the body I kinaesthetically feel I inhabit. My boobs and saddlebags and fat ass have been permanently glued to my body but they sit outside of my mental/emotional/spiritual skin. I don't look in the mirror very much and when I do there is a feeling of "I can't believe that's me."

Hhmmm....It's been awhile, but back when I seemed to be frequently crossing paths with individuals who reported GD/GID...most of those folks reported some pretty heavy major depressive disorder.

Then, the depressive disorder was generally assumed to be secondary to the GID/GD and was the premise used to justify pharmacological &/or surgical intervention(s). [Don't know if that's changed....]

Wonderful feedback.  Please keep it coming

Emily

when I was young I would crossdress and it would arouse me sexually. I would always feel ashamed of myself for doing it, and eventually forced myself to stop. I would always fantasize about turning into a woman. I didnt think it meant anything serious so I would just ignore it.

around college age it started to become a nagging obsession, but I would assure myself that it was just a fantasy and nothing more, or if I just get a girlfriend it will go away, and did my best to ignore it. it got worse as the years went on. the obsession got stronger and stronger and it became harder and harder to ignore or deny, but I continued to deny it anyway, which brought extreme anxiety and depression.

it went on like this on and off for a few years until it got to the point where I realized this would never go away. that realization made me feel suicidal for the first time in my life, which scared me enough to realize that I need to seek help for this. that was only about 2 months ago. I allowed myself to crossdress again, which helped the dysphoria. Ive felt terrified, yet better about myself.

in the last few days however, the dysphoria hit me hard again. last night I watched videos of myself from a year ago (bad idea) and it made me feel ugly and horrible, like Ive just been fooling myself by thinking I could ever transition. I know these are just negative thoughts brought on by dysphoria, but knowing that doesnt make them feel any less real. I just feel so low right now, I cannot wait until I can see a therapist later this month hopefully. I need to talk to someone about this. 

Sonson.

I know that suffering thru someone else's pain is not the same, But i can tell you that you are a good looking person with feminine characteristics, with your whole future ahead of You.

I am not sure if you are on HRT yet or not, but the fact if I think there is some hope for me at 61, and it may not be total as age is not kind to surgeries and also have a lovely wife that I love and also have to think of her, but you have the whole world open for you to grab and run with it!

Think positive and act appropiately according to your wishes and needs.  Life is not easy and everything I have achieve I have work hard one way or another to accomplish, not to reuse the old saying but "yes you can", take some baby steps, which is what I am doing right now to confront dysphoria, this I am trying to do this now just by getting the name of a recommended therapist in my area.

Again, walk before you run, and if you fall just get up and walk again, 2015 will be kind to us looking for guidance and help.

Emily

Quote from: Cin on December 31, 2014, 10:40:43 PM
I know that most men hate thinning hair, but in my case, it really makes me depressed, I just hate it. I'm not even close to going bald either.

Ahhh  Thinning hair, I can still remember it not so fondly even though it was well over 50 years ago  I miss those good old days of my youth.

Quote from: sonson on January 01, 2015, 01:18:14 PM
when I was young I would crossdress and it would arouse me sexually. I would always feel ashamed of myself for doing it, and eventually forced myself to stop. I would always fantasize about turning into a woman. I didnt think it meant anything serious so I would just ignore it.

I crossdressed for the very first time when I was 15-16, I remember feeling really terrible after that, I was ashamed and thought there was something wrong with me.

Quotearound college age it started to become a nagging obsession, but I would assure myself that it was just a fantasy and nothing more, or if I just get a girlfriend it will go away, and did my best to ignore it. it got worse as the years went on. the obsession got stronger and stronger and it became harder and harder to ignore or deny, but I continued to deny it anyway, which brought extreme anxiety and depression.

it went on like this on and off for a few years until it got to the point where I realized this would never go away. that realization made me feel suicidal for the first time in my life, which scared me enough to realize that I need to seek help for this. that was only about 2 months ago. I allowed myself to crossdress again, which helped the dysphoria. Ive felt terrified, yet better about myself.

in the last few days however, the dysphoria hit me hard again. last night I watched videos of myself from a year ago (bad idea) and it made me feel ugly and horrible, like Ive just been fooling myself by thinking I could ever transition. I know these are just negative thoughts brought on by dysphoria, but knowing that doesnt make them feel any less real. I just feel so low right now, I cannot wait until I can see a therapist later this month hopefully. I need to talk to someone about this.

Hopefully this therapist will help you answer all your questions and ease your dysphoria

Quote from: JoanneB on January 01, 2015, 08:47:47 PM
Ahhh  Thinning hair, I can still remember it not so fondly even though it was well over 50 years ago  I miss those good old days of my youth.

My hair really makes me sad. I feel even more uncomfortable in my body thanks to my thinning hair

Quote from: Emily R on January 01, 2015, 03:06:34 PM
Sonson.

I know that suffering thru someone else's pain is not the same, But i can tell you that you are a good looking person with feminine characteristics, with your whole future ahead of You.

I am not sure if you are on HRT yet or not, but the fact if I think there is some hope for me at 61, and it may not be total as age is not kind to surgeries and also have a lovely wife that I love and also have to think of her, but you have the whole world open for you to grab and run with it!

Think positive and act appropiately according to your wishes and needs.  Life is not easy and everything I have achieve I have work hard one way or another to accomplish, not to reuse the old saying but "yes you can", take some baby steps, which is what I am doing right now to confront dysphoria, this I am trying to do this now just by getting the name of a recommended therapist in my area.

Again, walk before you run, and if you fall just get up and walk again, 2015 will be kind to us looking for guidance and help.

Emily

thank you so much for the kind words. to be honest Im a little embarrassed for feeling so down on myself when I know there are so many things in my life that I should feel positive about. when I wrote that this morning I was just feeling so low and dysphoric, and when Im feeling that way it feels impossible to focus on anything but the negatives. You all are such a huge inspiration to me and provide me with the constant reminder that there is always hope. I love you all for that, thank you

Quote from: Cin on January 01, 2015, 11:22:04 PM
I crossdressed for the very first time when I was 15-16, I remember feeling really terrible after that, I was ashamed and thought there was something wrong with me.

Hopefully this therapist will help you answer all your questions and ease your dysphoria

thank you!
Im nervous yet excited to finally take the first step in this journey 

I have always felt more comfortable in asexual or male style clothes. In Elementary school I tried to do all the fun activities even when I was made to wear a dress or skirt; I even emember riding my bike wearing a summer dress that definitely caught the wind. I prefered riding the bike to wearing the dress and I didn't care. In High School, I hated the days I had to wear my kilt (I went to a Catholic school), and counted the days to when I could wear pants. We were allowed, during the cold months, to wear pants, and the warmer months to wear golf shorts, unless it was a special assembly or Mass day. I swore that after High School I would never wear a dress or skirt again.

I had to be taught how to behaving in a girlish or feminine way, and catch myself more and more now, thinking and calculating if my body posture or behaviours are more M or more F. What sticks out in my memory are the times I was called tomboy, or told I think like a guy, etc. Thinking back, I never felt upset or aghast at the pronouncement, rather I felt proud!

I am not overly put out by my body in general, but I can't call the moobs or my lower organs "mine". They are there, that is all.

Instead, I get definite feelings of happiness and euphoria when I notice my more male features. (I am decidedly proud og my 12-hair goatee.) I am looking forward to getting a more guyish cut, and was most pleased to shave my head, though I am not going to do it again for a good while to save myself the ridicule in my family.

Quote from: LoriLorenz on January 02, 2015, 01:32:08 AM
In High School, I hated the days I had to wear my kilt (I went to a Catholic school), and counted the days to when I could wear pants. We were allowed, during the cold months, to wear pants, and the warmer months to wear golf shorts, unless it was a special assembly or Mass day. I swore that after High School I would never wear a dress or skirt again.

ugh I know the woes of private school all too well! for me it wasnt the uniform though, it was the strict haircut policy. I absolutely hated my hair all through highschool

Quote from: LoriLorenz on January 02, 2015, 01:32:08 AM
to save myself the ridicule in my family.

if I have to hear "so when ya gonna get your hair cut?" one more time I may explode

In my case, it seems to have hit recently like a bad sucker-punch.

Even if there were any signs since childhood, they were hidden for the following reasons:
- Anything that I couldn't do as well as other guys, didn't matter because I was lost in books most of the time, and anything girlish that I could do better than other guys, didn't matter much if seen in isolation.
- Was too nice and obedient to risk trying out anyone else's clothes or anything else. In fact, was too naive to even figure out gender differences until shortly before puberty. Was also too obedient to not abide by the strict haircut policy of my school as well, so I am not sure whether I hated it or not. I just thought it had to be done irrespective of what one felt.
- No girls of my age around who I knew well enough to relate to. Closest ones were a few cousins I met very occasionally.
- Never really related to the feminine clothes or behavior prevalent in my culture, so my mother's generation was not what I wanted to emulate either. And though I had and still have good relations with my family and friends etc, I feel like I kind of 'switch off' when the males and females slip into their respective traditional gender roles. 
- Any other gender-non-conforming behavior was strongly discouraged by the realization of what happens to such people in my culture.
- Being a 'straight guy' since puberty, and not knowing the range of alternative expressions of gender and/or sexuality (everything 'abnormal' was lumped into one 'bad' category), I was quite confused when I was attracted to girls, but also at times wanted to be like some of them.

It's only later that I found a more 'modern' version of thinking about femininity, gender and sexuality in general which I could relate much more to. And in the recent past, I have begun cross-dressing, and the personal comfort factor driving it has been growing much more than any sexual reasons. Also experimenting with growing out my hair and shaving my body hair, and loving it.
I'd never ever liked my male clothes sticking to my body before but with female clothes, it is a totally different feeling, and I don't mind them sticking to me at all as I layer them under my male clothes.
However, the comfort that I get from trying to be myself (as I see it) is overwhelmed by the feeling of being sucker-punched by, like, all these things from my past just coming and hitting me at once. For one, it seems to have affected my appetite, though I am trying hard to maintain some sanity with what and when I eat.
I am happy with my personal, family and professional life for every other reason, so I cannot even say that this is coming from somewhere else.
Though I am still not sure how much beyond clothes and hair will I go, if at all, I do find the HRT-driven changes attractive. However, even as I recover from the strength of the feelings and memories that seem to be hitting me, I am hit again by the realization that I cannot do much of any 'unusual' stuff where I live. Longish hair and hidden clothing is fine (though I do get ribbed for the hair sometimes), but anything else which gets noticed can be very dangerous.