Hiya folks.

God, so check this out. My ex felt the need to share the following post on her public Facebook on CHRISTMAS DAY. I should point out that we have not directly communicated in over 6 months, and the only things I know about her, her activities, and her postings are what people tell me; I don't ask. This post was brought to my attention on 12/27, so she did not manage to ruin my Christmas, which was quite lovely (thanks for asking). I also want to point out that the allegation of abuse, physical or otherwise, is a lie. As is, of course, the insistence that I deceived her about my identity.

Without further ado, here it is. I warn you, this is royally effed up. I frankly think that someone may have been visited by significantly more than three spirits on Christmas day, if you catch my drift. Glug glug.

Anyway, here you go:

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"So...I suppose as we end the year I should address the elephant.
Hello elephant; I am getting divorced.
So, about 18 mos ago, My my husband revealed and detailed that his life would be better if he did it as a woman. Yep, he wants to borrow my lipstick, and I know because I saw him do it.
But, I like men. I like men a lot. That was not a relationship I could do.
We are in the process of divorce. If
you want the juicy details, message me. It's a long story. If you want to God or judge me, just unfriend me. You should probably stop stalking me anyway. I'm way too controversial. Or conversational.
Anyway...
I held his secret for a long time. A year and half. Out of obligation. But he hurt me. Phyisically. Emotionally. He lied to me about his identity for seven years. And I let him. Because I didn't like myself all that much.
So I went to therapy and got emotionally healthy. I like myself.
I decided to pursue my Doctoral degree. I decided to be myself.
And now am in the process of moving on legally.
There were other bumps this year. My grandma is Sick with lung cancer. She is 84 and is too stubborn and fun to lose.
My mommy needs a few new parts for her heart. Think of her on January 13.
But there were good things, too.
To my surprise, one day at D-land, I unexpectedly met a remarkably smart, interesting, creative, snarky, and superbly handsome man with whom I have fallen in love. I am happy and motivated and passionate and inspired with him.
I met a whole lotta bunch of awesome people this year.
So...
As we end this year, I want to focus on the positive. The health, the family. The friendship, the love. The year might be challenging, but we can pursue! We really only get one shot at this, so make it great. Merry Christmas!"

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So there it is, my Christmas present from the ex. Sigh.

What can I say? What is there to say?

I'm just trying to get on. That's all I can do.

I hope she's really as happy as she says she is.

Ugh.

-Tegan

Wow, that is rotten as hell. Hugs though girl, I am very proud of you for your choices. You are a great person and please don't let her weigh you down.

Well she certainly sounds vindictive!

To be honest as it is out there, there isn't much you can do.

If it was me, I'd praise the goddess that she isn't in my life anymore, stand up tall with a large smile and live your life to the fullest with great enjoyment and happiness.

That will really annoy her!!

When my Ex tried to set the narrative against me, I got as many friends as I could to create a counter narrative until she took down all of the posts that were attempting to create a narrative against me. Lots of what she claimed was an extreme stretch of truth and it wasn't going to stand. This caused her to remove most of the mutual friends that were more friendly with me than with her, but the result was exactly what I wanted: She says what she wants in private to her friends, and the wider world doesn't really know what happened.

Don't let someone create a negative narrative for you publicly if at all possible. I got my friends to pull everything they were doing for me, once she pulled her, so it was a purely defensive action on my part. It is really just PR management in the social media age. Of course, it also helps that I am not stealth or anything, and we were together while I was transitioning for a while, so she couldn't really pull that as some sort of excuse.

Still I would always fight back against someone who was credible and saying things that make me sound like a bad person.

So apparently she needed you to come out as trans before she was able to pursue her doctorate and "be herself"? What is she complaining about? She should be thanking you.

Wow, way to play the victim card / bring someone else down at the same time :~s

Personally, I'd own it.
If you don't give them anywhere to go, there is no controversy.
If someone asks "are you gay?", say "I am a transwoman."
If someone asks "Was it so bad, that you had to switch sides?"
Say "I couldn't live with myself anymore."
By not giving them anything to start nastiness with, it shuts down the controversy. If your attitude shows shame, they will use it against you, but if you treat it like it is nothing special, then yes you run into a few bigots, but on the whole people will take you at face value.
My stepson is gay and uses this technique. Even in a Podunk hick town in Georgia, it works.
Just remember that the individual is smart, and able to cope better than we would imagine. The mob however, always falls to the lowest common denominator.
One last thing, I am a truck driver. I was at a petro fuel stop in Kentucky. A pre-op trans-woman was running the cash register. I remember because I could see it was difficult for her. I made my purchases, using the correct pronouns, "yes ma'am,no ma'am", and she says "4 dollars and fifteen pennies.." I asked her if a dime and a nickel would work. She said it would suffice.
The lady working with her said "she likes pennies". I said "she's alright. " after which she just got all bubbly. ( I still present as a man)
The other drivers behind me naturally related to her as female after that. If they didn't, they kept their judgements to themselves.
Point is, it's only a problem if you make it a problem.

I'm with you Natash. Totally agree with owning what we are.

Every now and then I'll get a rough reaction form younger guys when they get close and clock me ('What the *** are you?' is the common Australian vernacular).

I like to respond cheerfully with 'I'm a ladyboy! What are *you*? :~D'

What usually follows is one guy will then say 'oh my mate here wants your number ...!'

Life is awesome :~D

Hugs Tegan, that's pretty harsh... (kinda think that could be me getting that later this year too FWIW)

It seems to me she has thought about what's happened to her, and wants to let it all out... FB can be a very unkind place to air...
- ATM my FB is by invite only... Kinda wishing I had not used my name... but only have an avatar on it for ID...

Is the account your previous life one or a new one?

Anyway xoxoxo - be strong, take care and love life

L Katy 

I like that. That's awesome.  I understand where hikari is coming from, and the first reaction is fear...but I don't agree with being vindictive.  Now that they both have had their war on Facebook, the ex comes out smelling like roses. You can't control anything except yourself. That's the motto I live by.

F it. Own it.

Taylor Swift own what the media portray her as in Blank Space. (Lame comparison).


But own it now. And forget it.

I agree! Own it.

She's royally messed up though, but ex spouses can be like that.

Quote from: katrinaw on December 30, 2014, 07:06:24 AM
Hugs Tegan, that's pretty harsh... (kinda think that could be me getting that later this year too FWIW)

It seems to me she has thought about what's happened to her, and wants to let it all out... FB can be a very unkind place to air...
- ATM my FB is by invite only... Kinda wishing I had not used my name... but only have an avatar on it for ID...

Is the account your previous life one or a new one?

Anyway xoxoxo - be strong, take care and love life

L Katy 

Yeah, my facebook USED to be by invitation only then I got involved with various things and it exploded. I used to have about 150 friends who were my actual friends or school mates, and I knew everyone on it, now I have almost 500 people on it. I think I'm going to nuke it from orbit anyway. It's becoming unmanageable. It's sad though because I've been on it since 2005 when it was only open to the Ivy league, NYU and a few others.

My ex unfriended me as she was in the process of leaving me so I have no idea what she's sharing, if anything, with her friends. I have reason to believe that she hasn't told a soul because I embarrass her now. If that's true I sent Christmas cards to some of our old friends this year so the rumor mill is likely humming - Whoopsie! 

Yes, your ex is a spiteful and vindictive person and thank heavens you are away from all of that now. The news is certainly out there at this point, so like others have said own it and correct the inaccuracies if someone brings it up. I think she's out of ammunition at this point so hopefully there aren't any more salvos in your future.

It also sounds like your ex (like my ex) quickly found a rebound lover which most likely won't last, but it will at least keep her busy and out of your hair for awhile.

That has to be so hard. If you are a tender person it will come as no consolation that this claim she made is totally mistaken: "So I went to therapy and got emotionally healthy. I like myself." Emotionally healthy and happy people don't do what she did. They understand that life is a struggle for everyone. They stop drinking and spewing poison.

I'm sorry for both of you in different ways.

Quote from: Jane's Sweet Refrain on December 30, 2014, 08:50:37 AM
Emotionally healthy and happy people don't do what she did. They understand that life is a struggle for everyone. They stop drinking and spewing poison.

Especially this.  Happy people really don't need to drag other people down.

Still, it's out now.  It's a shame about the fiction-based side swipe but one more reason why not staying together is a good idea?

The only (arguably) useful piece of advice I'd give is get off Facebook.  I did so a few months back.  It's really no struggle to find more interesting things to fill my time with and I was shocked (shocked!  I say) how rarely people show me pictures of cats in real life.

Rosie

Hey everyone,

Thank you for the support. Rest assured that I am not panicking or losing any sleep over this. I was very upset when I first heard about it, of course. I cried on and off for a couple hours. But it wasn't because I didn't want people to know; I am who I am and  am fine with that, and fine with people knowing.  My big brother asked me what about the whole thing made me upset, and I truthfully answered that all of the hurtful things she has done in the last six months have hurt mostly because of the intention behind them, not necessarily because of the effect. I mean, I loved this woman; the betrayal is incredible. I still find it somewhat staggering.

But it is what it is, sadly, and I can't change it.  Life will go on, free from that brand of toxicity. I'm working on acceptance.

In truth, we only had a handful of mutual acquaintances left anyway, and I cannot imagine any of them being anything than utterly appalled at how wicked her post was. No matter what, though, I cannot control their reactions, only mine. And I'm going to move on.

As for Facebook, I have no intention of fleeing. And I do not have two accounts; my account will transition as I do.

Anyway, thank you all. Onward and upward. It's nearly the new year, and these moments only make me stronger in the end.

It will get better. I know it. In fact, it already is.

-Tegan

PS: Rosie, I like seeing cat pictures. 

Just came across this article: http://transformingfamily.net/2014/01/19/outing-a-trans-person-is-an-act-of-violence/ Found it to be relevant.

That may be good leverage, and if you think it's a good idea I would say ask her kindly to take it down and give her the link to that. The title/headline is enough to make her think twice.

My ex has been dealing grudges too recently- luckily not publicly though. She knows if she did it would just make her look bad.. The whole grudge thing is why we were breaking up in the first place before I came out. Me being trans sealed the deal in the matter, and she still hasn't fully forgiven me. But that is just her, she always had an impossible time forgiving anyone

I tend to hold my ground on things. I think the suggestion to "own it" is SPOT ON. Confidence goes an incredibly long way, especially living as a trans person.

All class that facebook post..(!)

Her story is to talk about you, then herself.

She should just get on with her own life, and not trash you in order to do so.

She lives her life, such as it is. Get on with yours, and be the better person.