I was confused little kid. I did like girly things in secret, and could hardly relate to all my boy mates. I secretly wished I was like my girl classmates, I'd even hang out with them even if they thought it was weird. As I grew up, I wanted to hide my femininity to protect myself from both ridicule and feeling like something's wrong with me, so I was all like "Girls suck!" or "I hate girls" around my mother, and she really believed me, she often tried to teach me a lesson about girls hoping I would change my ways. This facade I put up was partly due to the fact that some people, particularly those that knew me that were not my family often would comment about how much I looked like a girl or behaved like one outside the house. I hated being compared to girls even though I secretly liked it on the inside. It's hard for me to explain how I felt back then. In High School, Since I was a boy outside and spent most of my time with other boys, I had to hide any of sign of sensitivity or weakness to keep the bullies away from me. I was like that all through my early teen years until I finally figured things out when I was about 20, for me to say that I don't like being a man and feel very different inside, I think it would shock a few people, and then there would be a few really close to me that would say 'I doubted it all along', especially the one or two people that expressed doubt that I'm gay. 

I'm afraid that if I 'fully' came out to my mother (after one partial attempt), she wouldn't believe me since she knew what kind of kid I was growing up. I wish I could go back and tell my younger self to not be so insecure (or be true to myself), and that there was nothing wrong with me.

I just had to say this. I don't know if it makes sense I'm in no hurry to come out yet, I just wanted to share this.

it makes a lot of sense, I think we're pretty similar. I never went as far as to express hatred for girls, but I did subconsciously attempt to seem more masculine to people, and any time I was accused of doing something girly I'd get extra defensive. I remember one time in like 5th grade my friend found a girl's bow on the ground and jokingly told me to put it in my hair. I got really mad and yelled at him in front of a bunch of people, which shocked everyone since I was never one to get that mad.

I figured things out close to when you did, at 23. Im also not out yet to anyone, and Im extremely nervous about it. partially for the same reason you said, I feel like people who knew me since childhood may be very shocked. my parents may actually understand since I was pretty sensitive as a child, but its my siblings and my best friend/roommate that Im really worried about. I think I was much more careful about it in front of them.

sorry I can't offer any advice, just wanted to say that we're sort of in the same boat here. wish I could go back and be more true to myself, youre not alone!

Quote from: sonson on December 30, 2014, 02:41:01 AM
it makes a lot of sense, I think we're pretty similar. I never went as far as to express hatred for girls, but I did subconsciously attempt to seem more masculine to people, and any time I was accused of doing something girly I'd get extra defensive. I remember one time in like 5th grade my friend found a girl's bow on the ground and jokingly told me to put it in my hair. I got really mad and yelled at him in front of a bunch of people, which shocked everyone since I was never one to get that mad.

I figured things out close to when you did, at 23. Im also not out yet to anyone, and Im extremely nervous about it. partially for the same reason you said, I feel like people who knew me since childhood may be very shocked. my parents may actually understand since I was pretty sensitive as a child, but its my siblings and my best friend/roommate that Im really worried about. I think I was much more careful about it in front of them.

sorry I can't offer any advice, just wanted to say that we're sort of in the same boat here. wish I could go back and be more true to myself, youre not alone!

It was hatred in a childish, innocent sort of way though. I had a similar thing happen to me when I was in 4th or 5th grade where my friend borrowed his friend's alice band and tried to put it on me, I think I got really upset, but he apologized later.

Thank you, It's nice to know I'm not alone, that's really all I wanted.

Quote from: Cin on December 30, 2014, 02:06:02 AM
I'm afraid that if I 'fully' came out to my mother (after one partial attempt), she wouldn't believe me since she knew what kind of kid I was growing up. I wish I could go back and tell my younger self to not be so insecure (or be true to myself), and that there was nothing wrong with me.

Two thoughts in response to this:

1) When it's time to come out to your mother, tell her what you need to tell her and let her worry about reacting---don't try to do that for her in advance. She will do what she will do, so focus on doing what you need to do.

2) Regardless of what kind of kid you were growing up, you're not that kid anymore. We all change, some more than others. Change is awfully difficult if we worry too much about whether we're being consistent with what others thought of us. Plus, often what we mean by "what others thought" is "what we thought" about ourselves. Remember who you were, but don't let it turn into baggage that makes you miserable.

Oh, one other thought: let me know if you figure out how to do either or both of those. I'm still struggling mightily with those... 

It is the same with me for all of my 61 years!  Have had some acquintances asking me to my face if I was gay, to whom I have said an emphatical NO!, because I have never been, but no one has ever realized that I was either a crossdresser of finally the truth: transgendered.

If I could go back to before I married my lovely and accepting wife, I would definitely transition, but the fact is that back then it was very uncommon to hear about people transitioning as society was not as accepting as they are today, and not that they are so accepting  today either in many areas of the country.

Emily R

Quote from: jeni on December 30, 2014, 07:18:14 AM
Two thoughts in response to this:

1) When it's time to come out to your mother, tell her what you need to tell her and let her worry about reacting---don't try to do that for her in advance. She will do what she will do, so focus on doing what you need to do.

2) Regardless of what kind of kid you were growing up, you're not that kid anymore. We all change, some more than others. Change is awfully difficult if we worry too much about whether we're being consistent with what others thought of us. Plus, often what we mean by "what others thought" is "what we thought" about ourselves. Remember who you were, but don't let it turn into baggage that makes you miserable.

Oh, one other thought: let me know if you figure out how to do either or both of those. I'm still struggling mightily with those... 

Thanks for the advice.

Sure I'll let you know one day how to do both some day, but don't bet on it being soon.

Quote from: Emily R on December 30, 2014, 07:22:23 AM
It is the same with me for all of my 61 years!  Have had some acquintances asking me to my face if I was gay, to whom I have said an emphatical NO!, because I have never been, but no one has ever realized that I was either a crossdresser of finally the truth: transgendered.

If I could go back to before I married my lovely and accepting wife, I would definitely transition, but the fact is that back then it was very uncommon to hear about people transitioning as society was not as accepting as they are today, and not that they are so accepting  today either in many areas of the country.

Emily R

Thanks for sharing. Times have changed, also I don't think there were sites and resources like susan's back then.

There was no Internet at that time.     Way back then, the only time I read something about crossdressing or transgender was in Penthouse Forum, and even there it was not common as it was not geared towards that kind of audience.

The Internet popularity was started mainly because of porn just like the good old VHS video tapes.

I know there were a couple of crossdressers in my high school, but I was terrified of outing myself specially since I did not know enough to be sure about it.