Has this happened to you?

You come out to somebody and that person decides that you're going to be her personal project - the way you look, how you dress, where you socialize etc.  It's happened twice with me, one trans girl I came out to and one cis girl at work: both are taking it upon themselves to tell me the "right" way to do things and expecting that I do "female" their way.

Not sure how I feel about this.  It's great that I have people looking out for me, but I'm not convinced that such a high level of involvement in my transition is what I'm after.  Sure, it's nice not to make some huge mistakes, but there's so much to be said for forging one's own way through this process, figuring out things alone, and becoming a unique individual at the end rather than a clone of someone else.

Thoughts?  Should I simply be most grateful that at least two people haven't fled?  Or should I be careful about letting others get too close and having too much control over how I transition?

Me personally I would love some guidance being that these are new times for us.  The way I look at it at the end of the day you have the final say so. 


Vicky
MtF

omg, i wish i could meet someone that would make me their project :O

IMHO having guidance and advice on hand is invaluable when you ask for it. Where I'd draw the line is if they start dictating to you what you must do.

Our styles can't be dictated, so just take and process the advice as information.  You said it all about some of what they might tell you could prevent some terrible faux pas in public.  After all we quickly learn what we're doing wrong when it comes to makeup and age appropriate clothes, so it's terribly unnecessary to have a friend guide our steps. 

I've made some really big mistakes, and found that a 63 year old lady looks pretty ridiculous trying to be 30 years old.  My wife tried to help me, but I didn't listen to her and embarrassed myself many times.

I short, you deserve to pick how to portray your own look, style, and mannerisms.  Friends can tell you what's wrong, but they often can't tell you what's right.

Hugs. K

I think having a "Dutch Aunt" would be great. I am not the fan of micro-managers. I am a smart gal, I like to work things out and experiment. But it is nice to have "Sanity Checks" as I do from people whose opinions I respect. Micro-Managers on the other hand I have found tend not to have a clue about reality. Just an unshakable opinion in how things should be

Quote from: Brenda E on December 30, 2014, 09:00:23 AM
Thoughts?  Should I simply be most grateful that at least two people haven't fled?  Or should I be careful about letting others get too close and having too much control over how I transition?

Could be good or bad.

Good: They'll go with you to shop, help you find clothes that match your personal style, give you advice about what does/doesn't look good.
Bad: They'll tell you that your style doesn't make you look good, tell you what body parts you need to hide, pressure you to wear clothes you don't like (This happened to me. Didn't like it).

Bottom line, if you feel supported, then it's probably a positive. If you feel controlled, invalidated, or pushed, not so much.

I like guidance. I don't like micromanagement.

I can decide a lot of things for myself. But I do need a bit of hand holding. I do appreciate all of it.

I'd like to have girl friends not micromanagers

I've been on my own for years before I came out to my parents, who are ok with it. However when my mom visits me she criticizes me for wearing skirts that aren't knee length even if they are about 1" short of the knee. She's complaining about 1". I understand that at this point in my journey I need to be careful and not draw too much attention to myself, but 1" isn't worth complaining about. Once I do pass I would love to wear mini skirts, but I feel that's probably pushing it too much at this point. Anyway I don't mind guidance as long as I'm free to reject it.

Thanks for the responses - all good advice.  I think you're all correct: see how it goes, and if it gets too uncomfortable or controlling, create some distance.  To be honest, I like finally having a couple of girls who I can go to for advice, or who might point me in the right direction once in a while.

Most budding girls experience this from their family and friends until they get the hang of things. It is a rite of passage in some ways.

It does get annoying when people criticize and I am not in the mood, but it would for any young woman, and they still need the help often enough.

Well, from the experience I had of a friend becoming my style guru, it's a bit of a mixed feeling.  Unless you've spent most of your life obsessively studying how women act and dress, you may frequently find yourself thinking  things like "um, what do I do here?", and this is where they can help effortlessly. 

As for your personal clothing style, if you want to look the business there are some fundamentals, call them classics- they're useful.  Maybe you can get through through this part on your own, but I did find it useful to have a couple of classy friends helping me. 

I think it helps to be humble and grateful, and to recognise that these women, most of 'em at least, have been, er, women, for all their lives, and a bit of guidance is not a bad thing. Slowly you'll learn and find that you need them less.  But hey, going to to shop, and interspersing it with a coffee, some chitchat, a few tapas - for me these are fun moments of my social life, even if they shake their heads and advise me against something.  And that, no matter whether you're cis or trans, is half the reason you go out with a girlfriend in the first place!

Xxx
A/J

Like a lot of people here, I'd be in two minds about this.  On occasion they'll probably give you some useful information.  On the other hand, they might give you a lot of unwanted information.

I've never asked anybody for advice about my look.  Mainly because there aren't many women out there who'd agree with my look.  I dress to please myself.  I've found what I'm happy with, and it doesn't matter to me what others think.  Basically they'd be telling me, "OK.  You can dress like a woman--but not that kind of woman!"  The way I see it, if you're trans, you can make your own rules, mainly because you're breaking all the rules.

This question reminds me about my younger days when I had a couple of years in France.  Something about the French, they expect foreigners to speak their language perfectly.  The least little mistake you make, they correct you.  You can hardly have a conversation with them.  It always turns into a grammar lesson.  The occasional pointer helps a lot.  A correction every sentence, and you get to the point where you just want to tell them to shut up.  Especially when you know that their English isn't anywhere near as good as your French.  You're tempted to switch over to English and see how they get on.

I was definitely my own "project".  I wear whatever makes me happy, which usually involves black, sequins and metal studs.  My wife did slap makeup on me for the first month or so before I got the hang of it, but I spent many hours of trial and error perfecting my own look, which I can do in 5 minutes or less now.   It turns out that I have a pretty good innate fashion sense and I never once got (or needed) tips on how to accessorize.   My wife now asks me if she looks OK, or "Which earrings?" more often than I ask her.   

Being girly is super easy for me.  Trying to be a guy was a horrible exercise in futility.

Knowledge is never a bad thing, take what they know and use it to become the person you want to be.

A lot of my girl friends have been desperately trying to guide me along; everyone has hair tips, clothing tips, etc., and I think what excites them more than anything is just the opportunity for an 'extreme makeover' of sorts. Generally I appreciate the help because, well, in many ways I'm like a little girl that wandered into her mother's closet/makeup cabinet/what have you, and generally speaking have very little sense as to how to flatter myself stylistically.

Apart from that though, if anyone tried to coach me on how to behave/walk/talk/etc. I'd reject them immediately, gender norms/expectations be damned! I am me and me is woman enough!

I don't think I'm a "project", but yeah, I have a fellow transwoman friend who tends to give be pretty forceful opinions on what, when and how I should do things. I certainly appreciate all the support, perspective and advice I've gotten from her, so I'm not complaining. But on the other hand, it is sometimes very annoying to get the impression that I should be and do things that I'm not me to be "real". Also, at worst she can be pretty offensive about it and I've gotten pretty upset a few times when she's started to criticize the way I look or the kinds of clothes I wear too forcefully. So you know, it's good and it's bad. But if the good didn't outweigh the bad, we probably wouldn't stay friends.

Quote from: Leila on December 30, 2014, 09:22:44 AM
IMHO having guidance and advice on hand is invaluable when you ask for it. Where I'd draw the line is if they start dictating to you what you must do.

+1

Guidance is one thing...demands are another. The only women who gave me "advice" were adamant that THEIR way was the ONLY way to "do things right for a woman your age."

I would greatly appreciate if someone took me under their wing, as it were, and hope to find just that when I meet some real life people.