So, I ordered hormones last night, and then instantly felt less sure than I've been about this for the last month. I've already told most everyone that I'm doing it, but I'm a little worried now... my sister made me wonder about future children, and I will most likely become infertile pretty quickly... I also don't even care much about what I look like, or imagine myself looking any certain ways. I just want everyone to know and perceive me properly.

Maybe I shouldn't self medicate after all, and actually see a stupid shrink... I'm still looking forward to the support group meeting on the 12th, maybe I can find out some things. I also have to have my medicare switched over to this province, which I haven't done yet.

I just want everyone to see a woman when they look at me, and that is all. That is the extent, and totality of my motivation -- and I worry that even if I do everything, that people still won't...

I'm glad I saw a therapist beforehand. I didn't think I had a lot of issues and I didn't, but she helped me in ways I didn't expect. I believe my transition is ahead of where it would have been if I had just gone for the hormones. The cost was only 5 months of delay for the hormones. For me at least it was well worth it.

In my case I felt like I was too old to have kids. I'm almost 33 and don't have a girlfriend. So ideally I would need to meet someone, get married, have some together time before kids and then have kids. I would be at least 35 assuming all that started today and well I haven't had a lot of luck in the dating department. So I said screw it, I don't need kids and I can always adopt. While I don't mind kids, I don't like babies anyway. If I ever want kids I'll go for like a 5 year old probably.

However if you were to change your mind its my understanding you would be able to for several months to a year before sterility becomes permanent. Before that you could de-transition long enough to get a sample.

Self medicating is never a good idea. Even going by the dosages that others use is unsafe, each body is different and you need a doctor to be able to adjust the dosages for you.

By going through the proper steps you will have a better and safer result.
Plus seeing a proper gender therapist is also a really good idea, they will be able to guide you down your proper path.

Quote from: awilliams1701 on December 30, 2014, 04:14:13 PM
I'm glad I saw a therapist beforehand. I didn't think I had a lot of issues and I didn't, but she helped me in ways I didn't expect. I believe my transition is ahead of where it would have been if I had just gone for the hormones. The cost was only 5 months of delay for the hormones. For me at least it was well worth it.

In my case I felt like I was too old to have kids. I'm almost 33 and don't have a girlfriend. So ideally I would need to meet someone, get married, have some together time before kids and then have kids. I would be at least 35 assuming all that started today and well I haven't had a lot of luck in the dating department. So I said screw it, I don't need kids and I can always adopt. While I don't mind kids, I don't like babies anyway. If I ever want kids I'll go for like a 5 year old probably.

However if you were to change your mind its my understanding you would be able to for several months to a year before sterility becomes permanent. Before that you could de-transition long enough to get a sample.

Yeah, I've never been in a relationship, but women like me. I get a lot of reverse validation, as strong, handsome, etc. I just spent the summer doing roofing (I knew someone in it, and it pays really well for my lack of skills, so I jumped on it), and now my upper body is pretty huge. Carrying between 40 and a 100 bundles up a ladder most days, each weighing 77 lbs.

I'm 30 now, but that isn't too old for children, hardly. Adopting isn't a bad idea though, there are a lot of kids in need of good homes, and I already have enough siblings that pretty much all of my genetics is being spread vicariously.

Last time I went to a shrink, I was suicidal, and emotionally exhausted, having just suffered a nervous breakdown, and was monotone, and fairly emotionless from the outside. She tried to tell me that I was a schizophrenic within five minutes, and asked me if I'd consider medication for that... I told her of course I wouldn't, and attempted to explain the symptoms of schizophrenia, and why I don't have them, to which she replied "if you don't have it, then why do you know so much about it"? So, in fearing that the eye rolls would cause permanent damage to the sockets, I decided to just leave.

I worry that it will take me awhile to find one with half a brain.

Quote from: White Rabbit on December 30, 2014, 04:26:09 PM
Self medicating is never a good idea. Even going by the dosages that others use is unsafe, each body is different and you need a doctor to be able to adjust the dosages for you.

By going through the proper steps you will have a better and safer result.
Plus seeing a proper gender therapist is also a really good idea, they will be able to guide you down your proper path.

Well, I would of course consult a real doctor, and get routine checkups, I'm talking about seeing someone to talk my issues out with, bounce things off of, and get a second opinion on what would be better for my life, and whether or not they think I'm thinking straight etc.

First off, DIY is not a good option, especially if you have any doubts and even more so if you aren't well versed in medicine. Being seen as a woman takes no more work then putting on a dress, some makeup, do up your hair. Just like most other women. HRT is not some magic elixir and its effects typically take a year or two. Just to put things in perspective further, many places have protocols that will not allow you to have HRT untill after 1 year of real life experience. Something I have a major problem with since being on/off low dose HRT helped me to keep my sanity for decades living and working as a male.

Part of the cold feet may be an innate sense of guilt knowing you aren't doing things properly. You are already planning on taking a major step of going to a TG support group meeting. I was totally floored by the end of my first meeting. My group turned my life around for the better

Its not that 33 is too old to have children, its that most likely by the time I'm in a position to be able to choose to have children with someone I will be older than I would like to be.

Quote from: JoanneB on December 30, 2014, 04:42:42 PM
First off, DIY is not a good option, especially if you have any doubts and even more so if you aren't well versed in medicine. Being seen as a woman takes no more work then putting on a dress, some makeup, do up your hair. Just like most other women. HRT is not some magic elixir and its effects typically take a year or two. Just to put things in perspective further, many places have protocols that will not allow you to have HRT untill after 1 year of real life experience. Something I have a major problem with since being on/off low dose HRT helped me to keep my sanity for decades living and working as a male.

Part of the cold feet may be an innate sense of guilt knowing you aren't doing things properly. You are already planning on taking a major step of going to a TG support group meeting. I was totally floored by the end of my first meeting. My group turned my life around for the better

I wonder if I'd ever be passable with all of the medical technology in the world, let alone just putting on a dress and makeup. I'm also bald (was bald by nineteen.) And I'm pretty sure that they make you go full time for like two years in Canada, and I think that's cruel, especially for someone like me.

I am really looking forward to the support group though, I really want to make real life friends, and make my way into the community.

Quote from: awilliams1701 on December 30, 2014, 04:43:16 PM
Its not that 33 is too old to have children, its that most likely by the time I'm in a position to be able to choose to have children with someone I will be older than I would like to be.

I think that you can still pull it off well if you did it before forty five. As long as you take care of yourself, sixty five isn't that old. That's just my opinion though.

I wonder that too, but I would rather try and hope for the breast  .

Quote from: Elsa Delyth on December 30, 2014, 04:48:11 PM
I wonder if I'd ever be passable with all of the medical technology in the world, let alone just putting on a dress and makeup. I'm also bald (was bald by nineteen.) And I'm pretty sure that they make you go full time for like two years in Canada, and I think that's cruel, especially for someone like me.

I am really looking forward to the support group though, I really want to make real life friends, and make my way into the community.

I can't see myself having kids after 40.

Quote from: Elsa Delyth on December 30, 2014, 04:49:40 PM
I think that you can still pull it off well if you did it before forty five. As long as you take care of yourself, sixty five isn't that hold. That's just my opinion though.

I think you're pretty cute, and I like that pose. Not that I'm big on selfies, I posted a few on face book a week ago to be before pictures, because the couple I had on their were nearly three years old, but here is a couple:





Of course I always wear something that covers my head, to conceal my baldness. Aristotle once said that despite what we may wish to believe, baldness doesn't count as mutilation.

Quote from: Elsa Delyth on December 30, 2014, 04:05:53 PM
Maybe I shouldn't self medicate after all, and actually see a stupid shrink...

No, you absolutely shouldn't self-medicate. I can't stress enough how dangerous it can be. You could end up damaging your liver and/or kidneys, get blood clots, have a stroke, and cause any other number of problems. HRT is medication which shouldn't be taken without proper medical supervision of you blood and other vitals. You cannot know what is the appropriate dosage for you only a trained professional can. Don't suppose that if someone else is on x dose that you can likewise take the same dose.

Yes, talking to a therapist is a good idea, especially if you are having doubts. As Amy said, there are often other things that we need help with anyway and any support mechanism is better than none.

Quote from: Ms Grace on December 30, 2014, 05:25:42 PM
No, you absolutely shouldn't self-medicate. I can't stress enough how dangerous it can be. You could end up damaging your liver and/or kidneys, get blood clots, have a stroke, and cause any other number of problems. HRT is medication which shouldn't be taken without proper medical supervision of you blood and other vitals. You cannot know what is the appropriate dosage for you only a trained professional can. Don't suppose that if someone else is on x dose that you can likewise take the same dose.

Yes, talking to a therapist is a good idea, especially if you are having doubts. As Amy said, there are often other things that we need help with anyway and any support mechanism is better than none.

I know, and I'm stupid, I'd do it wrong. I'm in too much of a hurry, is all, and have trust issues, that ironically should be a reason why to see a therapist (I'll drop the derision), rather than being my reason not to. I'll be reasonable, and do it the right way. Thanks for the grace, Ms Grace.

And just so no one thinks I'm schizo...  the mask illusion doesn't work on schizophrenics, as this requires that your expectations, or higher cognitive functions overrides your direct perceptions, and their's apparently don't.

I am your not so typical 6ft tall bald, butt ugly, dude. Bald started when I was 14, as well as tall. Twice in my early 20's I experimented with transitioning, twice opting for "Normal". Today I am done with experimenting. I achieved my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman. Oh, and I still primarily present as that same 6 ft tall bald ugly old dude.

What changed was attitude. From extremely negative to very positive (most days). Gone forever are the "Some guy in a dress feelings". How, my TG Support group, A guardian angel or two, Inspirational books, Self-Help books, some therapy and HRT.

I won't lie. I've been on/off low dose E several times over the past 40 years. I doubt I would have made it this far without it. I've been lucky. Twice to three times I should have been dead. As in no kidding DOA dead. God is keeping me around for some good reason. I am also one of the fortunate ones who, to date, most times have more than two options for handling my dysphoria.

Quote from: JoanneB on December 30, 2014, 09:04:02 PM
I am your not so typical 6ft tall bald, butt ugly, dude. Bald started when I was 14, as well as tall. Twice in my early 20's I experimented with transitioning, twice opting for "Normal". Today I am done with experimenting. I achieved my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman. Oh, and I still primarily present as that same 6 ft tall bald ugly old dude.

What changed was attitude. From extremely negative to very positive (most days). Gone forever are the "Some guy in a dress feelings". How, my TG Support group, A guardian angel or two, Inspirational books, Self-Help books, some therapy and HRT.

I won't lie. I've been on/off low dose E several times over the past 40 years. I doubt I would have made it this far without it. I've been lucky. Twice to three times I should have been dead. As in no kidding DOA dead. God is keeping me around for some good reason. I am also one of the fortunate ones who, to date, most times have more than two options for handling my dysphoria.

As someone whom had rocks thrown at them in highschool enough times, I feel some kinship with you sister!

I don't think you're ugly at all, see the nose on me! Lol. I think you look happy, and happiness is always attractive. My attitude is good most days, and I don't experience much anxiety anymore, as I understand that now to be an escape emotion, or a secondary compound emotion triggered by emotions we perceive to be negative, and wish to not be feeling at the moment. I can ride out lower baseline days now with little difficulty or anxiety. I also understand that I may wish to attribute my feelings to some grand overarching thing, when it could be just as simple as not having gotten enough sun the day before, or sleeping wrong, or vitamin deficiencies, or a number of things.

As is probably obvious by my constant allusions, I'm a big philosophy buff, and for awhile practiced and studied Buddhism as well.

I am very excited to attend the support group, and really hope to make a good impression, and make friends. I'm happy that you're still around, and the world suffers, everyone suffers, with every lose of a good person, like yourself.

Quote from: Elsa Delyth on December 30, 2014, 09:17:11 PM
As is probably obvious by my constant allusions, I'm a big philosophy buff, and for awhile practiced and studied Buddhism as well.

I am very excited to attend the support group, and really hope to make a good impression, and make friends. I'm happy that you're still around, and the world suffers, everyone suffers, with every lose of a good person, like yourself.

My life long philosophy passed down through the generations of broken men has been "Life sucks and then you die". Sure there are good to OK moments, be thankful for them.

Your anxiousness only tells me you are not being mindful. Taking on the trans beast is a scary job. I put off dong it for real for well over 30 years. I know now I needed to be at a place and time in my life when I was able to. I sure didn't want to! I had to.

Early on I had a major problems trying to control tomorrow. I still get the occasional admonishment of "Who made you Empires of the Universe?" Occupational hazard for me as Master of the Electron. I still worry about decisions. Life is a balancing act. Everything is a trade off. Every decision comes with costs as well as a benefits, real and possible. One of the great ironies in my life is I abhor change. Yet.....

After six years of this process, this transitioning from a miserable lifeless, soulless wretch to some semblance of a whole, healthy and happy person, I have no doubt that in spite of all the tears shed and the pain experienced by my wife and I, it has all been for the better.

It took a lot of hard work; tons of introspection; at least two guardian angels, to get me to this somewhat confused place I am today. Early on I had PLENTY of "WTF am I doing " meltdowns. I still do but with far far less frequency and intensity. I believe with every fiber of my being that all that I am doing is right, just as strongly as I believe "I know what does not work" after spending 30+ years of trying the "Normal" alternative.

Quote from: JoanneB on December 30, 2014, 10:12:14 PM
My life long philosophy passed down through the generations of broken men has been "Life sucks and then you die". Sure there are good to OK moments, be thankful for them.

Your anxiousness only tells me you are not being mindful. Taking on the trans beast is a scary job. I put off dong it for real for well over 30 years. I know now I needed to be at a place and time in my life when I was able to. I sure didn't want to! I had to.

Early on I had a major problems trying to control tomorrow. I still get the occasional admonishment of "Who made you Empires of the Universe?" Occupational hazard for me as Master of the Electron. I still worry about decisions. Life is a balancing act. Everything is a trade off. Every decision comes with costs as well as a benefits, real and possible. One of the great ironies in my life is I abhor change. Yet.....

After six years of this process, this transitioning from a miserable lifeless, soulless wretch to some semblance of a whole, healthy and happy person, I have no doubt that in spite of all the tears shed and the pain experienced by my wife and I, it has all been for the better.

It took a lot of hard work; tons of introspection; at least two guardian angels, to get me to this somewhat confused place I am today. Early on I had PLENTY of "WTF am I doing " meltdowns. I still do but with far far less frequency and intensity. I believe with every fiber of my being that all that I am doing is right, just as strongly as I believe "I know what does not work" after spending 30+ years of trying the "Normal" alternative.

Mindfulness in Buddhism is the opposite of that. It is being intentionally, and attentionally present in the moment, and not being dragged away by thought. I tore my psyche apart more than once trying to figure this all out, and wanted to be anything but what I am. I was raised fundamentalist literalist Christian, with lots of misanthropy, and denigration of the human race. With the demonizing of deviants like me -- which created a demon in me. I haven't been able to, nor will I ever be able to escape the fear that I may be evil, and making all of the wrong choices. I've studied the wisdom traditions, and various moral codes, and analysed everything to death. I got into Buddhism originally when my father got sick because I wanted so much to change, and thought that I could perhaps destroy my ego, my identity.

Believe me, I've been down the rabbit hole a few times. I guess that I'm anxious because I'm afraid of the self-doubt, and self-loathing. I want to stay out of those ruts. I'll never escape the fear that I may be morally insane, all I can do is try my best to be a good person, and have faith that following my heart is the right thing to do.

I'm a different generation than yours, as well. It was a whole lot scarier, and lonelier twenty and thirty (or even ten) years ago than it is now. This is our time of liberation, and I want desperately to be a part of it. I feel it in the air.

It was a whole lot scarier world in the 1970's then today for sure. I was there as a teen, I was trans, I was scared. A second generation offspring of blue collar marginally middle class immigrants growing up in a blue collar city with either a church, a bar or a bank on every intersection. Oh add in a good dose of Irish Catholic shame and a dash of Russian Orthodox guilt

When I began this journey 6 years ago I was a trembling mass of fears and self doubt. As I got healthier the self doubts faded ever so slightly, then the fears cracked just a little. Eventually I was able to break out of the cocoon built from shame and reinforced by guilt.. But not completely. I never saw myself escaping that devil that trashed my two prior experiments. Shame and guilt are powerful forces. I escaped those forces just as many before me have, and as you can. It takes time, it takes work. They stand little chance against the joy you feel being out in the real world as the real you. They will fight it, but they can't win

I guess we all battle the three headed hydra of fear, guilt and shame -- but when you couldn't be more contrite without entering the quantum scale, surely that counts for something.

I just tried any amount of cross-dressing for the first time a week ago. A cheap wig I got for like 5$ on ebay, and some pants and a sweater I got from the thrift store, and some makeup and perfume I got from the drug store... I expected to feel ridiculous, but I felt really good. I really have no other options, it really is either this or die. I've got no fall back, and never have. What do I do, go live a lie? Lie to everyone I meet, pretend -- be a Cagliostro for the rest of my life? I won't suffer that. My very presence itself is a lie.

I don't have to rush things though, just because of the elevated mood coming out, and experimenting has brought me. I can do it properly.