I'm currently about 3 months into transitioning and I now know that my life will be a living nightmare for quite some time. I understand that everyone has passing issues but how do you get out of bed, look at yourself in the mirror and try when you know that everyone will give you harsh and cruel labels and wear you down each and every day? Stopping hrt and trying to act like a guy is out of the question and i cant just leave because I have a boyfriend that really really loves me. but im scared that sometimes I cannot control myself when im having a meltdown.
I have begged for counseling from free sources and its all just a call that never comes.  I have no actual friends or anyone I can talk to about this so if you have information on dealing with this from your own experience please give me some advice. Thank you so much <3

MetaProwler
Welcome to Susan's family.
There are a many here that should have information to help.
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Have you tried the planned parenthood. They have a lgbtq support network.
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Stay safe and healthy passage on your path, popcorn?

Izzy
Forum News: new for our members under 18 a new safe place just for you. Youth talk.

As for the light its there.

Takes a long slow walk on your lives path to get there.

Where does the light come from?

That's what you need to understand to walk this path.

Lots of luck.

Hugs

Thank you so much for the response.

Hi Hon,

Is there someone at the clinic you are getting HRT who can talk to you? Most if not all clinics have counsellors as part of the transition process. If you are self medicating can you get to clinic that has psychological support and let them know.

It is a very hard road we walk but it does reap benefits, can you talk to your boyfriend?

In the mean time, when I started off,I didn't pass for crap, probably still don't. But I started to build my armour. 'I'm me, I'm free and don't care what people see. I'm me'

I do know we all know here what it feels like. But hang in. Do little things to help the dysphoria, maybe polish your nails? Have a bubble bath or a nice shower with some feminine smelling soap? I know it seems like small stuff, but we need the small stuff.

Hugs young Lady.

I do receive counseling and I have monthly bloodwork done to makes sure im healthy.  the services I go through are outpatient only, and not an acceptable form of insurance anywhere else... except for the clinic I go to. no one specializes in dysphoria despite the fact it's mainly for the lgbtq community (ADAP). I have five doctors I can choose from. After going through two doctors, I found someone that would check my estrogen and T levels under the guise of checking to see if I have low testosterone and she helps make sure my electrolytes are at normal levels. I do speak to a counselor once a month which really helps but I cant really see her for more than 30 minutes once a month. I have begged my case manager to let me see anyone that can somewhat help multiple times but they never call and the person i need to speak with is never in her office. ever. she is always on break, or just stepped out or on vacation and I have left way too many messages for her to not get any of them.

My boyfriend knows, and is incredibly supportive and a genuinely kind and loving person. I have allowed him to be my rock and he helps me so much and has never let me down or made me feel bad. Our combined income is improving and will be able to get specialized services and pay out of pocket soon for the services i need such as legal, someone to talk to, and a legitimate prescription. The only place im not ok with going out is work. I understand what I have gotten myself into beforehand and I knew there would be times when I wouldn't just be fine and ok and would have difficulty controlling my emotions but im still under prepared.

I have found buying a nice pair of jeans and buying a cute (but not too cute) shirt is just such a relief compared to how I tried to dress and what I bought before.

and yes I have nice shiny nails and bubble baths are the best! (i have been blessed with a jacuzzi tub and it has jets) :3

I know the feeling: you're walking down this dark tunnel and you can't see the light ahead of you.  I always remind myself: there is no light behind me.  It's all darkness there.

But is there any light ahead of you?  You can have faith that there is.  Metaprowler, here's my bit of pop psychology.  I know it's pop, I know it's easy, but it's what keeps me going.  The fact that you're going forward--that is the light.

To stop, to go back--you're just surrendering to the darkness.  To go forward, that is the light.  You're being positive, you're being hopeful.  As Oddball would say, you're full of positive waves, baby.  You're full of light.  You just haven't noticed it yet.

Best wishes,
Foxglove

Quote from: MetaProwler on January 02, 2015, 12:33:08 AM
I understand that everyone has passing issues but how do you get out of bed, look at yourself in the mirror and try when you know that everyone will give you harsh and cruel labels and wear you down each and every day?

Not everyone.

Some people will. Some people will have a religious objection to your being yourself. Others will simply be judgmental. They're all either ignorant or completely lacking in compassion, since no compassionate person would dream of asking someone to go through life pretending they're someone they're not.

Other people won't care. They'll be happy to get to know the person you are, and see your transition as only one facet of the marvelous things that make you you.

And some will admire you for having the courage, persistence and stamina to take this very difficult step.

In the end, the only person whose labels matter is YOU.

So, maybe, remind yourself what a beautiful woman you are, inside and out (because we all know passing does not equate to beauty). Realize that regardless of how you look in that mirror, YOU HAVE THE POWER TO BRING JOY to the people you meet.

Don't let anyone's opinion reduce you. You are a magnificent being, full of possibilities and human specialness. That is true regardless of what stage of transition you are in.

Good luck, MP. I really hope this helps.

The best therapy I ever experienced is from my TG support group and especially from a couple of angels I believe sent there to save me from myself.

I know all to painfully well the feelings of despair. You want to see things change for the better  ASAP. For me I've often fell victim to "The light at the end of the tunnel is really a 3 mile long coal train barreling along at 40 MPH" syndrome.

Which is why I try to always look back. Look back at all the accomplishments I made to date. WHat it took to get to where I am today. How I managed to! I also look further back into the dark past. Back to the time, the era, the decades when I was not handling being trans, except by diversions, distractions and denial.

I still haven't really gotten a hold on the concept that life moves at its schedule, not yours. However I sort of come to believe, it often works out better that way

Even though im not pretty, sometimes I have this incredibly strong sense of I don't care what you think and I project more feminine energy and project a strong attitude towards others and it makes me feel so... so much better. Like someone that is strong and proud and doesn't have little breakdowns every other day.

The last place I tried for advice was horrible. It was only about sex, admirers "traps" penis size and people asking where to buy boyshorts and thongs which is fine if your only into that but don't lay the website out as though its supposed to be a support network.

Its been nice hearing from other girls and I will start going to some sort of therapy soon. I just need to keep looking and figure out how to deal with stuff like everyone else does. Maybe I will try group therapy

Can you go to group? Is there a LGBT center near you that you can go to? Are there safe places like LGBT bars?

I know what you are doing is very difficult. Most everything I do is difficult the first few times then it gets easer then easy.

Transition can be at your speed and what you are comfortable with.

Having a companion to be there for you is very important.

Transition can be awkward and sometimes people look at me and give me confused stairs. They do not say anything but they are processing what they are seeing. If I assume they are thinking something negative then it is me who is putting a spin on what is happening.

Comments can come from insensitive jerks. Jerks are jerks. How many cis woman at told they are fat or ugly by jerks? How many cis woman are cat called by jerks?

The light comes from within. What I have found is that those things that I thought I just could not do I have done. I have done a lot of things I could not do before. I have a long way to go but I have gone a long way. I have found there are those that will be there for me regardless. I think they are the most beautiful people in the world. They themselves are compassionate and have the light. I like being around those people. It makes me feel good. Perhaps being trans make us seek out the light in others and ourselves.

Hugs, good luck in your journey.

There is a support group that meets Thursdays and mondays. I do intend on going very very soon. I really want to distance myself from lgbt clubs for a while.
Although I never pass, I do catch major signs from strangers that they may in some level know. Even people who don't think of me as a girl or have any clue will offer me help with various things and that has never ever happened before. I have let so much of my guard down at work and have allowed some of my femininity to show and the general responses have been positive. I almost went a whole day without being called guy, dude, sir and then the clerk at a gas station spilled the beans. My ass keeps on bumping into the side of various objects and I still feel emotionally drained and tired at the end of each day but hopefully that awkwardness and stress will get more manageable.

Thanks for your response Cynthia you do the same <3